Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me realise this guy is no good for me!!

55 replies

inbound · 09/12/2021 11:44

I came out of a very long term relationship a year and a half ago. Around 6 or 7 months ago I started seeing a new guy, he's slightly younger than me (I'm 25, he's 23) and things were good at the beginning but I'm starting to realise that I don't think he's good for me.

He hasn't got a job, can't drive, is in debt and always skint, always getting drunk/doing drugs, extremely jealous and paranoid of me.

Looking at that written down it's obvious RUN! But why is it so hard to actually leave? He's very obsessive of me and apparently loves me so much, he cries a lot and is scared of losing me. Every time I try end things because of his behaviour I end up going back. I think the thought of him seeing someone else scares me (even though it's only been a few months, it just feels like a lot longer).

Sorry for rambling but does anyone have any advice/experience of the same type of thing?

OP posts:
Lasttraintolondon · 09/12/2021 11:57

You already have your answer.... This guy is an anchor and will drag you right down. You're young and you can have a much better life than this. Don't do it, otherwise you'll look back with regret at all the decent men you missed out on whilst you wasted time with this guy.

me4real · 09/12/2021 12:06

You already realize it OP, you even put it as the title of the thread.

Now you just have to act on what you know and block him on absolutely everything.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2021 12:09

The fact that you've wasted even a minute of your youth on this loser is tragic. Raise the bar.

Carboncheque · 09/12/2021 12:24

’He hasn't got a job, can't drive, is in debt and always skint, always getting drunk/doing drugs’

He sounds like quite the catch.

’extremely jealous and paranoid of me … He's very obsessive of me and apparently loves me so much, he cries a lot and is scared of losing me.’

I suspect that this is what keeps you coming back. Some part of you must see that obsessive, crying, possessive behaviour as love. We all want to be loved, to be that important to someone. That kind of loud, demonstrative, moody love is awfully dramatic and you can get caught up in it. It is love but it’s akin to what a toddler feels for their comfort toy - very one sided. They absolutely have to have it, no one else can have it, there are tears and tantrums if you remove it but it’s all about the toddler’s needs and wants. Does the toddler care if Teddy has had a bad day and just wants a little me time?

Ardvark111 · 09/12/2021 12:29

Mans POV here. Seriously you need to ask.?? It always amazes me how unemployed people find money for booze n drugs.!! Benefits money no doubt or stealing to fund or both… . In debt too. Would you say his / or even your future together looks bright

HollowTalk · 09/12/2021 12:30

Come on, OP! Of course he cries - he's losing his meal ticket. He's got absolutely nothing going for him (and I mean personality wise rather than financially, though that's a huge concern, too) - why on earth would you stick around?

Why would it scare you if he saw someone else? Surely all you should feel is relief? And he WILL find someone else - someone to fund him and to make his life easier and someone who he can take out his rage on.

Get a grip and tell him it's over. Don't go back - block him everywhere.

Bananalanacake · 09/12/2021 12:32

This is where I always say,,, don't let him move in with you. Does he have any intention of working?

Bananalanacake · 09/12/2021 14:50

As soon as you find out a man has no job you get up and walk off, no need for any explanation, they are not worth a second of your time.

NoNameHere12 · 09/12/2021 15:00

Wow op, that’s bad!
I’m completely confident in saying you can do better than this!!

Happy1982ish · 09/12/2021 15:02

Do you just sit at home when you get together?

Because he doesn’t drive and has no money, in fact in debt

At 25, my boyfriend at the time and I were having a whale of a time. Both earning but minimal responsibility.

Happy1982ish · 09/12/2021 15:03

How does he pay for the drink and drugs?

Happy1982ish · 09/12/2021 15:04

Do you work?
Do you take drink and drugs?

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2021 15:07

Do you have dates, weekends away or socialise with friends? Without you shelling out for you both, I don't see how any of that would be possible.

Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2021 15:17

His obsessive and posessive behaviour is not about love, it's about control.

If you stay anywhere near you fuckwit he will go on to emotionally abuse you. Perhaps even physically.

Neyrotypical people do not behave the way he does. He is some sort of psychopath/narcissist/sociopath.

The tears are designed to maintain control through guiltily you. It's fucking creepy op.

People who love you, treat you with kindness and respect. No exceptions. There is no other variation of how love makes a person treat someone.

What he is showing you is not love, it that he feels he has ownership rights to you. He is not a nice person. And life is too short and precious to surround ourselves with people who aren't nice.
Let alone vampires like him.

Pascal80 · 09/12/2021 15:21

Yes, I had that exact experience many years ago. He made my life a misery for three years before I woke up, oacked a bag and left in the middle of the night with nothing.
Yes, the crying! If you threaten to break up with him , he will threaten to kill himself. Mine actually tried to go through with it, stole a car and drove it off a pier.
He will ruin your life. He will spend all your money on drugs and booze. He will fuck around on you.
You are trying to rescue him. You have misplaced maternal instincts.
He will use you up, wear you out, bankrupt you, alienate you from all your family and friends (who, behind your back will wonder wtf you are doing). You are also in it for the sex. That will wear off and you will be faced with the full horror of this youth you have hooked up with.

Does that help at all?

SommerTen · 09/12/2021 15:45

Think about what impression people get of you when they see you with such a loser.
His loser status will reflect badly on you; harsh but true.
Other local people must know he's a druggie and wonder how he can afford drugs if he's unemployed.. as JSA barely covers the bills.

Then there's the jealousy... it's the start of controlling and coercive behaviour which will leave you treading on eggshells- do you want to live like that??

Look, when I was younger I dated some losers but now I look back and cringe.
They wasted my time and emotions and money.
I could have spent the time with good mates instead or going on dates with nicer men. Or even going traveling!!

Ditch him once & for all!!

Bookworm20 · 09/12/2021 16:05

In the nicest possible way you need to ditch him and then block him from your life. Go cold turkey.
It sounds like that is probably against your nature, but you are not responsible for his well being OP.

If you stay with someone like this - read back what you've written about him - he will drag you down and it will be harder and harder to leave.

Get out now. Let him cry, beg, whine, tell you he can't live without you. But let that begging fall on deaf ears.

me4real · 09/12/2021 18:20

This type can also fake/manufacture crying to get what they want @inbound

Unanananana · 09/12/2021 18:39

The crying like an over dramatic toddler would make my fanny slam shut.

Posessive, no job, drug taker, drinks, debt-ridden and can't drive? What exactly is attractive about that?

Dump his ass. Now, before he takes the best years of your life.

Ardvark111 · 09/12/2021 19:01

@Unanananana 😂 fanny slam shut 😂

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/12/2021 19:34

Use the notes 📝 function in your phone to write very bluntly how wrong he is for you
Write it out and every time you are
Inclined to contact him , read them
I’ve done that to stop me texting
Someone and it works for me !

ruabon1977 · 09/12/2021 20:23

It is an abusive relationship in a way. Leave now. You can live without being in a relationship.

Oddsocks06 · 09/12/2021 20:37

Bad boys can be fun and risky. Great for flings but not great for long term. You like him. I get it. I am older than you in my 30s. and my partners 47. He's got problems right now. He's not currently working. But he usually does. He used to drink. He doesn't anymore. He has a trail of carnage behind him. He's had a messy life. I met him when he was newly sober. He's a good bloke. Apart from he can't handle his emotions sometimes and gets wound up easily. He's not violent. But he can be very selfish if he's struggling. I wouldn't have had anything to do with him when he was younger and drinking. He regrets alot of his life choices. He did alot to get himself back on track. I've spent more nights than I care to remember anxious or upset though because I was there In the early months of his recovery. He's said some cruel things to me and blamed me for stuff that was not my fault.

You are so young and I don't know what you want from your life? Ask yourself what you see in your head. Do you think he can provide that stability you need. If not then it's perhaps time to walk away. I understand though how tricky that can be.

Original poster
inbound · 09/12/2021 22:12

Thank you so much everyone for such helpful replies, I agree with you all and know I should definitely leave I just can't believe how hard I find it considering it's only been a few months!

To answer a few questions yes I work and I drive, i have worked part time since age 16 then went to university then got a full time job so we both obviously have different work ethics for sure. He claims benefits so I assume that's how he affords to go out every weekend (bad I know).

I really don't know what I see in him, so many people have asked me "what eve hell are you doing with him?" But I just can't explain it!!!

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 09/12/2021 22:12

Someone described this guy as a "bad boy"? Is that what fucking losers are called now?