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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me realise this guy is no good for me!!

55 replies

inbound · 09/12/2021 11:44

I came out of a very long term relationship a year and a half ago. Around 6 or 7 months ago I started seeing a new guy, he's slightly younger than me (I'm 25, he's 23) and things were good at the beginning but I'm starting to realise that I don't think he's good for me.

He hasn't got a job, can't drive, is in debt and always skint, always getting drunk/doing drugs, extremely jealous and paranoid of me.

Looking at that written down it's obvious RUN! But why is it so hard to actually leave? He's very obsessive of me and apparently loves me so much, he cries a lot and is scared of losing me. Every time I try end things because of his behaviour I end up going back. I think the thought of him seeing someone else scares me (even though it's only been a few months, it just feels like a lot longer).

Sorry for rambling but does anyone have any advice/experience of the same type of thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
inbound · 09/12/2021 22:13

@Unanananana that's hilarious!!! You definitely have a point though, he cries a lot it's quite exhausting

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 06:10

Shudder

He sounds gross. Pathetic, weak, broke, druggie, no ambition.

OP - I’m going to take a punt. You the long relationship you had before was your first and only relationship. Starting when you were a teenager.
In short - you are very inexperienced.

Let us tell you. This man - loser.

Suzi888 · 10/12/2021 06:17

It’s not love it’s control. Your a possession
and handy for him to have around -nothing more. I bet he is jealous, consumed by thoughts you will meet someone who has a job and isn’t crying all the time. You are with him because you are a nice person, possibly a little gullible and he’s pulling in your heart strings by crying.

R-U-N for the love of God! How do you honestly see your life panning out? If you live together, that’s you keeping him financially. He sounds like he will be in and out of prison if he’s driving drunk/ taking drugs. Would you have a family life with this guy? Is it really going to go anywhere? Seriously… your delaying the inevitable. Stop wasting your life, life is so short, enjoy it.

Dozer · 10/12/2021 06:22

Don’t wait until after christmas to get out of this awful relationship, and have no further contact with him. If he turns up or harasses you, take steps to be safe and report it.

I got into a bad relationship after becoming depressed after an upsetting break up after a (otherwise v good) long relationship. Don’t think would have ‘gone there’ or stayed as long as I did in the bad relationship had I been well.

Dery · 10/12/2021 06:48

Perhaps take a look at Women Who Love Too Much. You might find it helpful.

Bogeyes · 10/12/2021 06:50

Here's the choice. Stay with him and have a crap life with a manipulating loser...
Move an and meet someone who will enrich your life and love you...

Original poster
inbound · 10/12/2021 16:43

Your all right. He's very paranoid/protective over me which is crazy, constantly questioning me on every little thing! I need to definitely take all of your advice and leave, I know that's the exact advice I would be giving someone else in my position!

OP posts:
SommerTen · 10/12/2021 16:43

I missed the bit where he's a crybaby... oh how unattractive!

I'm sorry but I'm only used to men crying (but trying to hide it!) at the death of a loved one, when in extreme physical pain....or when diagnosed with actual major unmedicated clinical depression.

Seriously also Jobseekers Allowance is not enough to pay for going out every weekend plus drugs plus alcohol plus food, clothes, bills.
Unless he's claiming some sort of disability & getting ESA and / or PIP - in which case hmmm how did he manage that one.
Because I could only get a small amount of PIP benefit for epilepsy & none for my serious mental illness. So I have to work part time and couldn't afford drugs if I wanted them!

Regards to his paranoia- drugs probably contribute to his paranoia & emotional instability.

What a catch.

Happy1982ish · 10/12/2021 16:48

No
He’s not protective” over you
You are romanticising the situation

Tinacollada · 10/12/2021 16:49

He sounds like an utter mess, and a pain in the arse. Get rid and spend time with people that make you happy. X

Original poster
inbound · 10/12/2021 18:00

@Happy1982ish I'm definitely not romanticising it, protective, controlling, obsessive whatever word you want to use! I'm not saying it's a good thing I just didn't know what word to use

OP posts:
Original poster
inbound · 10/12/2021 18:04

@SommerTen I have no clue where he gets his money from, I think he must borrow it from people or something because he always manages to go out and drink every weekend.

He has been diagnosed with depression and is on anti depressants but he definitely doesn't help himself by drinking/drugs constantly! I don't mean to sound harsh but I also find that he also uses his depression as an excuse for his behaviour, I genuinely feel sorry for him but it doesn't give him the excuse to be so paranoid and controlling towards me does it?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 10/12/2021 18:14

More than likely he's selling drugs to pay for his own habit.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2021 18:23

It’s a combination of societal pressure on women to be “nice” and put their own needs last - far far behind those of the men in their lives. With a bit of rescuer attitude thrown in.
You need to block this guy and start reassessing how you view relationships and men. Definitely do sone reading around this issue - it will serve you well for your future relationships. As far as this guy is concerned, accept that your internal programming and beliefs about relationships need sone work and you need to step away in order to do that.

Ariann · 10/12/2021 18:26

Drug dealer. (very low level).
Young men like that are ten-a-penny, OP.
You are flattered by his histrionics and obsessive jealous nature.
Beware that it means the opposite of what you think it does.
He will cheat on you.
He will steal from you.
Watch what happens when he turns the charm off.
You don't seem to want to get out of this situation.
You are really not equipped to know what you are dealing with - not at all.

Unanananana · 10/12/2021 18:56

I really hope you are going to dump him op.

Though do prepare for the wailing and tears when he sees his gravy train roll on out of Fucking Loserville.

You are worth so much more.

CouldThisReallyBe · 10/12/2021 19:23

The obsession with you is not a positive - it's controlling. Are you giving him any money? I've been where you are OP - I'll put money on him threatening to take his life if you leave. LEAVE!! Rip that sticking plaster off - you'll be surprised how quickly that sting will heal. This film doesn't have a happy ending.

Rangoon · 11/12/2021 23:52

You are in for years of misery with this feckless sniveller. What exactly do you like about him? Even if he is good looking now those looks will soon fade given his lifestyle. Aren't you a bit embarrassed being seen out with him?

Downunderduchess · 12/12/2021 01:17

I mean this in the nicest way possible, dump him and work on your own self esteem, he sounds like a loser who will only drag you down. You owe him nothing! You are so young, go out & enjoy yourself, don’t stay around this drama llama.

layladomino · 12/12/2021 09:36

I think you've got the measure of him Op. And no, he shouldn't use his depression as an excuse for bad behaviour. And the depression is likely because of the drug / drink abuse (or at the very least not helped by it). He is doing nothing to help himself. He could make his life (and yours) better but is choosing not to.

It is sad that someone of his age is acting this way, but please don't be dragged down by it. If you feel able to, then be honest about why you are leaving. It might just make him think hard. Hopefully he can turn things around. But in the meantime, you know what you need to do.....he's not good for you.

Shedmistress · 12/12/2021 09:41

I mean, what's not to like?

Crying, obsessive, druggie, no job, can't drive, no money.

Top work OP. Top work.

Is that what you really want to hear?

jelly79 · 12/12/2021 19:40

Are you trying to fix him OP?? Or save him?

Or do you want him to change for you??

Seriously mid 20's you should be thinking of you. Your career and your fun.

Don't let someone drag you down! Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you are worth. It won't be this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2021 17:07

Have you managed to get shot of this guy now @inbound?

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 17:27

I’d put money on the Op still being with him!

ChargingBuck · 15/12/2021 17:28

@Ardvark111

Mans POV here. Seriously you need to ask.?? It always amazes me how unemployed people find money for booze n drugs.!! Benefits money no doubt or stealing to fund or both… . In debt too. Would you say his / or even your future together looks bright
@Ardvark111, in what way does your POV differ from a woman's? Do men have special insight into relationship woes & useless boyfriends?

Why would OP need to know your sex before deciding if your advice is worth taking on board?

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