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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me realise this guy is no good for me!!

55 replies

inbound · 09/12/2021 11:44

I came out of a very long term relationship a year and a half ago. Around 6 or 7 months ago I started seeing a new guy, he's slightly younger than me (I'm 25, he's 23) and things were good at the beginning but I'm starting to realise that I don't think he's good for me.

He hasn't got a job, can't drive, is in debt and always skint, always getting drunk/doing drugs, extremely jealous and paranoid of me.

Looking at that written down it's obvious RUN! But why is it so hard to actually leave? He's very obsessive of me and apparently loves me so much, he cries a lot and is scared of losing me. Every time I try end things because of his behaviour I end up going back. I think the thought of him seeing someone else scares me (even though it's only been a few months, it just feels like a lot longer).

Sorry for rambling but does anyone have any advice/experience of the same type of thing?

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 17:30

@Ardvark111

Mans POV here. Seriously you need to ask.?? It always amazes me how unemployed people find money for booze n drugs.!! Benefits money no doubt or stealing to fund or both… . In debt too. Would you say his / or even your future together looks bright
Why on earth is specifically a “Man’s POV” particularly relevant to this thread?

Or do you just think that because your view is coming from a man - it’s therefore gospel? Grin

ChargingBuck · 15/12/2021 17:35

I have no clue where he gets his money from, I think he must borrow it from people or something because he always manages to go out and drink every weekend.

I imagine he's dealing.
Or selling his body.
Something nefarious anyway.

When you say he always manages to go out & drink every weekend ... is that without you? So he spends all his questionably gained cash in pubs, but let me guess, week nights round at your place, where you pay for & cook the food, & provide a warm bed & body?

ludocris · 15/12/2021 17:37

OP, I say this with kindness - snap out of it.

ChargingBuck · 15/12/2021 17:56

Inbound - of you put half the energy you're expending on this feckless sniveller (thanks, @Rangoon) into yourself, you'd be a new women in a few months.

The question you need to be asking yourself isn't "how do I make myself realise this guy's no good?"
It's "how on earth did I ever consider allowing this loser to even touch the hem of my robe?"

Ditching him should be pretty simple. You don't owe him anything more than a text. Short, firm, & then BLOCK. "Dear Feckless, this isn't working for me, I need to focus on myself & my career so I'm finishing the relationship but wish you well in the future" - then TOTALLY DISENGAGE.

Then find yourself a decent therapist.
Talk to them about your self esteem, about your family background & what you learned about relationships as a youngster.
Engage with yourself - stay single, really learn about what early lessons you may have absorbed that might use some unlearning. About how to put yourself first - how to be your own champion.
Spend some time thinking about what you want from life (excluding men, for a year maybe), what makes you excited, what your passions are, how you want your working life to pan out.

Then buckle up & live that life!
You are 25. TWENTY FIVE! You have decades of experience to gain, & the best footing you can give yourself is an education in what makes you tick. What causes you to self-sabotage with Mr Feckless. What made you feel this is all you are worth. What keeps you hanging on instead of embracing your independence.

Once you know yourself, your strengths & failings - such as why you accepted this nightmare of a young man - you will have the building blocks you need to make a genuinely fulfilling life for yourself. At some point, a decent man will enter that life, & share it with you. The better you can make your life ahead of that, the better your chances are for attracting & making a successful partnership with your optimum man.

You didn't fall in with Mr Feckless on a whim.
If you had, you could finish it on a whim.
The fact that your head & your heart are at war over this, to the point that you - arrrrghhh! - worry that he'll meet someone else, & are finding it so hard to just end it already, shows you what you need to do next - get some therapy.
Without it, how are you going to truly understand yourself, & stop yourself from falling for the next user & abuser?

OP - you said it yourself - this guy is no good for you. You know it. So YOU start being good for you! Find yourself an excellent therapist & start investing in the rest of your life.

inbound · 15/12/2021 23:46

Some really helpful comments here, your all telling me what I needed to hear so thank you everyone this thread has been so helpful Smile

Yes I ended things with him over the weekend, just hope I have the willpower to stay away!

One thing I would give to him is that he has always said that he wants to stay in with me on the weekends as he's over the party life style, he constantly tries to make plans with me on weekends that don't involve going out, but I work full time and enjoy going out with my friends on the weekend so I'm not going to miss out on my social life just because he wants to stop it! So maybe that shows that I'm not ready for a relationship either.

But the going out isn't the only problem it's all of the other things that I mentioned as well like his lack of job, doesn't drive, no ambition (without sounding harsh) I just don't think that's a man I could be with long term.

I completely agree with what someone posted here that I need to be single for a while, I definitely do! I'm only 25 and have never been single for more than 6 months so it's definitely something that I need to do

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