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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner emotionally needy

60 replies

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 05:34

I am struggling with my partners neediness. He needs so much reassurance from me and gets offended by non-issues.
I can’t believe I’m writing this because it sounds so pathetic.
We are in our 30s.
I want to end it because I’m fed up of him taking offence by things that just aren’t a problem but every time I raise it he is ‘sorry for reading it wrong and is glad we we spoke about it’. But I can’t keep explaining myself over things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at.

An example of this is yesterday when he sent me a funny meme. I read it when I got out of the shower then replied 5 minutes later saying ‘haha’.
He then messaged saying ‘oh, I was only joking you know’. I said I know it was a joke, hence why I said ‘haha’. He then rang me saying we need to clear the air as he thought I was ‘fuming’ because I didn’t reply immediately?!

This is beyond ridiculous and so petty. It’s such a non-issue. I can’t be dealing with getting phone calls to ‘clear the air’ over a fucking meme. He is a man child that assumes I’m upset all the time. I’m not sure how he wanted me to reply, I expect he wanted me to phone him doubled over with laughter at this stupid meme, as my reply clearly didn’t satisfy his need for validation about it being funny.

How draining. How can someone be this emotionally high maintenance? There are many more examples of this. He assumes I’m annoyed a lot of the time when I’m simply not and I feel like I can’t be over the top all the time like he wants me to be as it’s so tiring and I’m not a fake person.

OP posts:
Clymene · 09/12/2021 05:36

You want to end it. You don't need his permission. Just do it.

Original poster
Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 05:44

I’m not looking for his permission. I just needed to get it off my chest.
Saying this to people in real life is just embarrassing because these are such seemingly small things but they grate on me to no end.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 09/12/2021 06:09

If he really struggles to understand things like texts or emails etc, maybe get him to agree to not use these ? It could be that he just cannot 'judge' them accurately ?

If this is the case, then a phone call at lunchtime or in the evening might work better at reducing his 'confusion' ?

I know I'm crap at accurately assessing written things like texts and emails for 'humour' or 'anger' etc and I also know I often 'come across' as 'angry', 'rude' or 'upset' when I use them myself Blush

Bananalanacake · 09/12/2021 07:41

Don't let him move in with you. Wanting a reply straight away would annoy me.

JerkintheMerkin · 09/12/2021 07:43

It will only get worse. It's exhausting. Bin him off and start afresh.

HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage · 09/12/2021 07:47

How tiresome. How ever hard to try you won't change him. I'd move on from this one if I were you.

pastypirate · 09/12/2021 07:50

This would drive me nuts too. Do you think he actually feels all this or is it a method to generate constant communication - if it is that's quite creepy and manipulative.

He sounds v immature.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 09/12/2021 07:53

Google - narcissistic injury - it’s possible that’s him. People who take offence at very minor or non things and are very petty can often fall into that category imho.

UndeadSlut · 09/12/2021 07:57

Hmm. Was the context of the meme a joke aimed at you? Just the fact he said "I'm only joking", and thought you were angry at him because you didn't reply immediately, makes me wonder if it was personal. That would then throw a different light on it, he makes a banter-y joke at your expense, then gaslights you into being angry and "not able to take a joke".

Of course I could be way off the mark here so please tell me if so 😁

todaysdilemma · 09/12/2021 07:58

That example exhausted me just reading it! You're definitely right to be fed up. Is he this insecure with friends and colleagues too?? Sorry, Op. I don't blame you for getting the ick.

smoko · 09/12/2021 08:00

Not being able to understand your sense of humor or laugh together means you're just not on the same wavelength.

Sending or receiving a humorous meme should not end up in needing to "clear the air".

Sounds like you'll be relieved to see the back of him! Don't blame you. He sounds like a drag.

Original poster
Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 08:19

The meme was a picture of me with robotic thighs because I’d hit a personal best at the gym. I was fine with it and said I found it funny but that’s somehow not enough clarification for him. And his choice of words in saying that he thought I was ‘fuming’ is just far over the top.

I am just concerned that he relies on my validation a lot for him to feel ok. He’s recently said he’s not been speaking to his friends as often because he feels like I’m the only person that understands him and it’s just a huge red flag. I’m a firm believer that you need friends in your life because it’s not reasonable for your partner to meet every one of your needs.

I just feel pressure to constantly pander to him and I am absolutely not someone who can tolerate this at all.

He knows I’m feeling weird about things I think. He keeps saying how this is a hard time of year for him because his grandparents passed away around Christmas time and I can’t help but feel it’s an attempt on his behalf to stop me from finishing the relationship.

It seems covertly manipulative (whether intentional or not) and I don’t have the patience for it.

I’m going to read up on narcissistic injury - I haven’t heard of that before.

OP posts:
WhoppingBigBackside · 09/12/2021 08:21

these are such seemingly small things but they grate on me to no end.

and they will continue to grate on you and more and more of them will grate on you.

Assuming that you are not living together and have no children together, I would end it immediately

BurbageBrook · 09/12/2021 08:21

I think he’s probably not a bad person or even a narcissistic one, but he sounds incredibly insecure. I would find that really annoying too.

smoko · 09/12/2021 08:23

Wait, so it was a picture of you altered?

That's not even a "meme"

It somehow seems even weirder that it was a photoshopped pic of you.

He's suffocating even in joke form!

DoodleBelle · 09/12/2021 08:27

He’s not the one, move on

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/12/2021 08:27

What is it with 'funny' memes?!

They are only funny to the person sending them usually. The amount of times I have sent a generic laughing emoji in response to my partner or mum but haven't found them funny or even got them!

Not the point I know but I think it sounds like you either need to have a frank talk with him if you want to stay with him, or move on to less drama.

smoko · 09/12/2021 08:27

Yeah na, not seeing Narcissism in this one

If you're going to pathologise - with the neediness & obsessiveness over OP he sounds more Borderline Personality Disorder than narcissist.

It sounds like he is obsessed with OP & making his whole world about her, rather than forcing her to make him her whole world

I hope OP can end it before Xmas & enjoy the holiday season.

Original poster
Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 08:30

Having just briefly read up on narcissistic injury he does tick a lot of those boxes. His reactions to things often seem very disproportionate and defensive. I am careful around this as I don’t wish to minimise his feelings but at the same time his rational mind is often overridden by his emotions.

I don’t think he’s a full blown narcissist as he does apologise and show a glimmer of awareness sometimes but interestingly this has only happened once I bring things to his attention and I do often feel as though he mirrors what I say. It’s hard to explain but he will talk to me about various things and use the exact phrases I have used before as if he’s training himself on what to say. I think he just tries very hard to be right for me and probably takes mental note of what I say and applies it to himself but it’s just all a bit draining and feels inauthentic.

And yes it was a photoshopped picture of me - essentially like a homemade meme joke sort of thing. A bit odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 08:32

I think the mirroring behaviour comes from insecurity and just trying all he can to fit in to what he thinks I need. It’s quite sad really but I’m mot here to fix someone.

OP posts:
smoko · 09/12/2021 08:39

Having a disproportionate & defensive reaction to things sounds like the hallmarks of ANY personality disorder.

Think if you look up borderline behaviour he may fit the bill more, especially if you feel he is more emotionally led & seems to be more vocal about his life traumas.

If you think he has a personality issue, then be wary those types will often threaten suicide when you leave.

Xmas is a hard time of year for many people. Do you actually know it's even true both grandparents died at Xmas time? Or that he was in fact close with them?

Mix56 · 09/12/2021 08:42

This is draining, You can't live someone who repeats your own words like a parrot you need a partner not a clone.

He was setting himself up to fail by sending a potentially upsetting image if you
He expected immediate validation
Then didnt accept it when it came
Then is needy & wants to talk it out....

Nothing attractive about this

ForbiddentoForbid · 09/12/2021 08:47

Ugh he sounds draining.

How long have you been together?

Didimum · 09/12/2021 08:51

How long have you been together? Do you live together? If you want to leave the relationship, then do.

If you want to stay together, then he must go for individual counselling. This sounds awful and exhausting for you, but I can’t imagine what utter turmoil and distress he must go through every day if he panics about small exchanges to this extent. He must be constantly filled with dread and fear. He needs to get on top of his anxieties and change his behaviours, quite frankly whether you stay together or not.

Original poster
Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 08:58

Yeah, something just isn’t right and feels very off.

We have known each other (at a distance) for 3 years but been together for the last four months. He’s good at appearing confident and self assured from a distance but knowing him intimately as I do, I notice that he projects a lot of his internal issues on to me - and others - and I do see it very clearly.

I am going to finish it, I just am dreading the fall out as I know I’ll be the villain for choosing to do it this time of year.

He says he was close to his grandparents but the other week his family were all meeting at the grandparents house as a farewell to the property before it exchanged (the family were selling it after they both passed). He said he wasn’t going to go and that he’d rather carry on with our plans for the day but I said he may regret not being there with his family and so he went in the end. The way he was so easily not going to go made me question him a bit but then again I have been lucky enough not to lose a close relative and I know grief does funny things to people so I tried not to judge too harshly on that. I know it sounds like I am
being judgemental about his reluctance to go, but it’s because he has appeared inauthentic about many things so I can’t help but question him which is a large reason why I want to end the relationship, as it’s pointless continuing when I am always questioning him in my mind.

OP posts:
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