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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner emotionally needy

60 replies

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 05:34

I am struggling with my partners neediness. He needs so much reassurance from me and gets offended by non-issues.
I can’t believe I’m writing this because it sounds so pathetic.
We are in our 30s.
I want to end it because I’m fed up of him taking offence by things that just aren’t a problem but every time I raise it he is ‘sorry for reading it wrong and is glad we we spoke about it’. But I can’t keep explaining myself over things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at.

An example of this is yesterday when he sent me a funny meme. I read it when I got out of the shower then replied 5 minutes later saying ‘haha’.
He then messaged saying ‘oh, I was only joking you know’. I said I know it was a joke, hence why I said ‘haha’. He then rang me saying we need to clear the air as he thought I was ‘fuming’ because I didn’t reply immediately?!

This is beyond ridiculous and so petty. It’s such a non-issue. I can’t be dealing with getting phone calls to ‘clear the air’ over a fucking meme. He is a man child that assumes I’m upset all the time. I’m not sure how he wanted me to reply, I expect he wanted me to phone him doubled over with laughter at this stupid meme, as my reply clearly didn’t satisfy his need for validation about it being funny.

How draining. How can someone be this emotionally high maintenance? There are many more examples of this. He assumes I’m annoyed a lot of the time when I’m simply not and I feel like I can’t be over the top all the time like he wants me to be as it’s so tiring and I’m not a fake person.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 08:59

He’s recently said he’s not been speaking to his friends as often because he feels like I’m the only person that understands him and it’s just a huge red flag.

I get the feeling he'll eventually use this sentiment to try and isolate you from yours in a "why do you need them when you've got me" kind of way.

Original poster

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 09:00

Also - no, we don’t live together. Thank god. He would move in with me ASAP if he could.

OP posts:

DaisyNGO · 09/12/2021 09:01

Glad to read you're going to finish it.

Regardless of labels, this behaviour is intolerable.

You'll feel so much better afterwards.

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 09/12/2021 09:11

He sounds very hard work. Reminds me a bit of my mother who analyses and takes offence at what people say and still goes on about what someone said years ago. You will probably feel relieved and more relaxed when it's over.

mewkins · 09/12/2021 09:14

It does sound exhausting. I think he probably thinks you are 'better' than him and is desperate to make this relationship work so is becoming more needy as you pull away. I think he knows what's coming.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 09/12/2021 09:28

I think @smoko hit the nail on the head better than me with the personality disorder suggestion. There are narc traits that overlap and ‘injury’ would almost certainly be one of them.

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on and are making the right decision. Try not to feel bad, it’s not your job to fix or otherwise placate him.

Original poster

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 09:36

Thank you.

I am trying not to feel guilty because we all carry baggage but it’s not for someone else to fix or heal and the lack of accountability for his own emotional well being is not attractive to me whatsoever.

I’ll let you all know how it goes. The single life is far better than carrying the weight of another person and it doesn’t feel like a balanced relationship to me.

I’ll update on how it goes. I’m expecting a bad reaction and anything else is a bonus really.

OP posts:

Clymene · 09/12/2021 09:38

Good luck. Sounds like the right decision

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 09:51

Urrgh. This would drive me nuts. How long have you been together?

He’s recently said he’s not been speaking to his friends as often because he feels like I’m the only person that understands him and it’s just a huge red flag.

I get the feeling he'll eventually use this sentiment to try and isolate you from yours in a "why do you need them when you've got me" kind of way.

I completely agree with this. It sounds as though you know exactly what you need to do. It's unfortunate for him that it's going to be right on top of Christmas but with a person like this it's never going to be easy to extricate yourself. Once 'the ick' has well and truly set in, every day not dealing with it will feel unbearable.

There will be weeping wailing and begging, then anger and accusations flung around regardless of how/when you do it.

Original poster

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 10:00

@NdujaWannaDance only been together the last four months.

And I am fully expecting the different stages of sadness to anger but I’m mentally prepared and will just grey rock if that begins to happen. He needs to do some work on himself but I think he can only to come to that realisation by being alone !

OP posts:

Clymene · 09/12/2021 10:04

4 months? Oh yes you should absolutely end it before Xmas. After will be much worse

Triffid1 · 09/12/2021 10:13

Well done for realising this is not a winner. He may or may not have issues, but at 4 months in it really isn't your problem to deal with. Right now, his neediness and inability to understand you and your communication style means this is not the relationship for you.

Also agree with others - before long he'll be wanting to know why you have to see your friends and why he isn't enough for you. I suspect all sorts of his previous emotional trauma will be wheeled out whenever you are planning to do something he doesn't want you to do "okay fine, you go out for dinner with your mum even though I'm sat here alone crying because my mum never took me out for dinner in my life."

RUN RUN RUN.

OneForTheRoadThen · 09/12/2021 10:16

I spent 10 years with someone like this and honestly OP just get out now. It is exhausting and draining and it's no way to live. Everything had to be about him and managing his emotions. A lot of it stems from his anxiety ( he probably has anxious attachment) but this is something he needs to work on himself, currently he's using you for reassurance but this is not a long-term strategy.

Im now with someone else who doesn't behave like this and it's wonderful, it just feels easy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 10:51

Four months in?! God yes, do it today. Then you can enjoy Christmas without it hanging over you. People like him only get worse over time. Sooner the better.

Original poster

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 10:53

Ok I’m psyched up to do it today. Four months is a short time so I’m glad for that. Due to his emotional intensity I know that, for him, it’ll feel like I’m splitting up a much longer relationship which is why I’m anticipating the bad reaction. It’s got to be done.

OP posts:

DaisyNGO · 09/12/2021 11:05

@Doubl3rainbows

Honestly, pull out the old "it's not you, it's me". Are you doing this in person?

It needs to be as short as possible.

billy1966 · 09/12/2021 11:15

OP,

Don't explain or get into a dialogue about why.

Be as vague as possible.

He sounds so awful.

You do not want this manipulative, controlling man in your life.

Just say you are "not feeling it", "not feeling a connection" "wish him the best etc".

Do not get dragged into any discussion.

He will want to drag it out of you.

Grey rock him and ignore.

billy1966 · 09/12/2021 11:18

Any threats at all, especially self harm, ring 101 and tell the police.

His type of needy manipulative men, will often try that.

Reporting him to 101 for a "welfare check" where the police will call to him, will stop that manipulative bullshit in its tracks.

I don't think you have seen who he really is at all.

Well done for killing it and spotting it at 4 months.

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 11:23

Don't explain or get into a dialogue about why.

I think that's a bit harsh. After four months I think it's only fair to tell him why it's not working out.

The risk is that he'll promise to work on changing, thinking she's offering him the chance of trying again with different ground rules. He needs to understand that that is not on the cards.

He needs to work on himself by the sounds of things, just not on the OP's time. She just needs to be prepared when he says 'Please give me a chance to get help and change' so she can say 'Great, I think that will be very beneficial for you to have some CBT (or whatever) however, I still think we are fundamentally ill-matched and I wish you well but I'm out.'

I don't think it's very fair to give him no clue as to where he is going wrong.

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 11:26

Any threats at all, especially self harm, ring 101 and tell the police.

And what do you expect the police to do?

His type of needy manipulative men, will often try that.

His type of needy manipulative people will often try that. Women do it too. It's not a man thing.

DaisyNGO · 09/12/2021 11:31

Four months is nothing!

I'm not sure I'd report to 101. Not sure what happens but does it give more of the attention these people want?

Iflyaway · 09/12/2021 11:40

I'm already exhausted just reading about it!

Must take up so much mental energy! Totally draining...

Good for you OP that you are so decisive about it.

Like that line from Julia Roberts. Something like : "We women are not rehabilitation projects for men"

JamesWilbysAbs · 09/12/2021 11:55

Agree with @OneForTheRoadThen - to me it sounds like he has anxiety. This explains his neediness, his constant need for emotional support, his 'catastrophising' interpretations of your text messages- his attachment type in this relationship.
He deserves help- but it's really not your responsibility to help him, indeed most of us do not have the knowledge or ability. You could do a good thing and try and dump him kindly... by explaining how his behaviour makes you feel, and suggest he looks into it for himself.

Original poster

Doubl3rainbows · 09/12/2021 23:08

Update - it’s done and dusted.
His reaction was intense and ranged from upset to defensive to anger then back to trying to change my mind as predicted.
But it’s very clear cut and there’s no ambiguity there.
I feel lighter and I know I’ll sleep well tonight.
Thanks to you all for your wise words and support. This can be such a helpful space at times and I appreciate you all listening to me moaning!

OP posts:

DaisyNGO · 09/12/2021 23:13

OP I'm glad.

You will sleep well and have a cheerful day tomorrow!

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