If your mum did these things when you were a child, what would you think?

[SpottyCreatures]

1. Hid your comfort blanket because she thought it was a game, many times. Got her son (daughters bio brother) to taunt.

1. Chased daughter around the house with a whole dead fish, holding it by the tail, with the face looking at her. It was going to be cooked for tea, bought at the supermarket.

1. In a mother/daughter evening about puberty, was the only adult who raised her hand during 'Question time' and said that as her daughter was so wide what tampon would be suggested.

1. Helped out at the Youth Group her daughter attended but not the one her son did.

1. Said publicly in front of daughter regarding a Lucky Dip that her son should choose the ticket because he's 'the lucky one'.

1. Daughter had to buy first bra from a Girl Guide jumble sale because Mum laughed when she asked if they could buy her first one together.

1. No purchase of sanitary products, daughter had to buy them out of earned pocket/bday/Xmas money. Daughter was at fee-paying school funded by other relatives.

Disgusting, especially Nr. 3

1,3,6,7 are the ones which really stand out. That's terrible.

I would think they were neglectful and abusive, and maybe consider counselling.

Hope you are OK

Very odd. What county is this mother from? It reminds me of stories foreign friends have told me about their childhoods.

I'd think she was abusive and that the son was the Golden Child and the daughter the scapegoat.

This is hideous and abusive

Sounds a bit like my mum (white english) - not the exact same things but the insensitivity, inappropriateness, neglect, and at the same time interference and need for attention.

If this was your mum, I'm sorry OP. A mum like this is hard to cope with and it took me a long time to understand and deal with the effects of mine.

Awful especially 3. I was never bought sanitary products and once when I applied to m&s for a Saturday jobm mother said 'ah yes you might have a chance I saw they took on a special needs girl'

Insulting to me and that wonderful person whoever she was.

Feel so much for you

That's abusive and that kind of thing never leaves a child. I have a daughter and cannot imagine ever doing something do damaging.

*so

Abusive.

But I bet the mum thought she was 1. Hilarious (the fish example), and 2. A good mum

Social services - report it as abuse because this is Abuse

Abusive from mother. Scapegoat/golden child dynamic present also.

I hope you no longer have any form of contact with this woman these days.

I would think she should never have been given the chance to raise those dc...
Similarly I wish my dgm had raised me not my dm.

Very much a scapegoat (daughter), golden child (son) dynamic going on. I think the daughter needs to keep as far away as possible from this 'mother' because unless her mother sees the light, realises how awful she has been and makes amends (unlikely), then the daughter needs to protect her self esteem and mental health by healing from her childhood and not allowing her mother to reek anymore damage on her.

You are not alone. Get some support. Let it all out.

Thankyou for confirming. I'm 46 and have just started to have the realisation and enormity of so many situations. On a daily basis now I am getting flashbacks, so random, like my brother throwing a chair and breaking glass and me getting the blame, like me & DH being told we could have any wedding venue we wanted so we chose a sensible, fair price one only to be told it wasn't ok and then dictated to.

Even within the last half hour my Dad has forwarded onto me an email about reduced price pantomime tickets and I replied thanks for the thought but we can't afford them (I receive PIP & can't work due to multiple chronic illnesses) in the hope (?) he would offer to treat us as a Xmas gift but yet my Mum has also emailed asking me to add a specific item to my online food delivery for her to collect from me at my expense because it's on offer They're multimillionaires. Not that money buys happiness.

I knew my DD turning 6 would be a trigger because that's when my memories start from, but I didn't estimate the intensity of emotion/rage/anger. I'm losing friends on what seems like a daily basis because I just expect them to understand where I'm coming from and why I say what I say and why I act like I do.....but they don't All of her friends got together (planned by the parents) recently but excluded her in what seemed like an intentional way, so I pulled them up on it and now none of them want to know me. As a child I was never heard so now as an adult I shout, scream, kick up a fuss just to get my point across but it backfired.

In the card shop I got upset because there wasn't an appropriate one...they all had the words 'wonderful' or 'lovely' etc and because I said to DH 'There isn't anything suitable, none of them have the word toxic in' he went batshit at me. Said it was inappropriate behaviour, so we had an argument, I told him he has no right to tell me how to feel. But equally I can see his point.

I have a huge fear of the sea because of the fish incidents. I'm working on it. DD knows all about tampons because of my experience. She snuggles with her muzzies whenever she wants.

My relationship with DD is open and very communicative, I'm very proud of her and what we have. She has filters, she knows boundaries. The one good thing that's come out of this is her knowing what's acceptable and what isn't, with both giving and receiving.

Thankyou for suggesting counselling but I can't financially afford it x

That is horrible. No wonder you are suffering. Talk to your GP. They will be able to arrange something on the NHS although you might have to wait a while.

I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood OP. I think you need to consider why these people are still in your life.

And as for your DHs attitude about the card, it can be hard for people who didn't have that kind of childhood to get it. But he needs to be on your side. My childhood was not bad at all, but my Dad has been fairly useless and I can relate to the card buying incident, because I've been there. I don't want words like greatest or best on there, because it just isn't true.

I do think some kind of counselling is going to be needed for you to deal with this.

All horrendous except number 4

Is your brother aware that he was the favourite child?

Your mother sounds horrific, especially the comment about tampons - how would she even know? That remark is incredibly worrying.

.

My husband came from a lovely family,and doesn't understand the toxic dynamics of mine, but he has never shouted at me about it.

I would honestly suggest a visit to your GP, counselling and low contact if possible.

And say no to adding an item to your shopping.

I had a mum something like this. She used to tell us as well - 3 girls - that she wished she'd had boys instead. We were perfectly nice kids, lovely dad, but it wasn't good enough for ther. Now she's gone and I'm older I feel pity for her, guess she was very unhappy or maybe depressed - or maybe just an unpleasant person. My poor dad.

OP, you don't have to have a relationship with your mother anymore, I know it's hard but maybe tell her why you don't want to. Too late for me but now I wish I'd had it out with my mum, but we all kept silent. I moved abroad so didn't have to see her very much, stayed with friends when I came back for holiday, did the odd short duty visit to keep dad happy.

Your childhood is probably far more full of these things than you remember. The Stately Homes thread on this relationships board is a really good place to talk about these things. I am sorry that you have endured this and wonder why you would still want them in your life now.

Re the card, for Fathers' Day I was in a card shop next to two sisters who were trying to find a card in the Fathers' Day section and I overheard their conversation. Plus there were several other women aged 30 plus trying to find cards. I said loudly if anyone finds a card that literally says yes, you are my Dad can you let me know. The two sisters next to me said yes, for us too. Not all parents are great. I am incredibly low contact with mine.

Sometimes we have to accept that your Mum or Dad is not the person you want and hope them to be.

Some of these things I think are fine if they're isolated and done within a normal family relationship, but not in the context of wider abuse.

1. Hid your comfort blanket because she thought it was a game, many times. Got her son (daughters bio brother) to taunt.

Unacceptable as it seems repeated.

2. Chased daughter around the house with a whole dead fish, holding it by the tail, with the face looking at her. It was going to be cooked for tea, bought at the supermarket.

Could be funny as a one off isolated incident.

3. In a mother/daughter evening about puberty, was the only adult who raised her hand during 'Question time' and said that as her daughter was so wide what tampon would be suggested.

This is completely humiliating and unacceptably abusive. Also logically how the f would she know this info?!?! And what teenager is "wide"?

4. Helped out at the Youth Group her daughter attended but not the one her son did.

I think this is fine. More appropriate for her to help out at the same gender youth group as her.

5. Said publicly in front of daughter regarding a Lucky Dip that her son should choose the ticket because he's 'the lucky one'.

Fine as a joke / isolated incident.

6. Daughter had to buy first bra from a Girl Guide jumble sale because Mum laughed when she asked if they could buy her first one together.

Unacceptable. Didn't provide items that young women require as an essential.

7. No purchase of sanitary products, daughter had to buy them out of earned pocket/bday/Xmas money. Daughter was at fee-paying school funded by other relatives.

Unacceptable in not providing essentials. I have zero clue why a mother would do this to a child.