If your mum did these things when you were a child, what would you think?

[SpottyCreatures]

1. Hid your comfort blanket because she thought it was a game, many times. Got her son (daughters bio brother) to taunt.

1. Chased daughter around the house with a whole dead fish, holding it by the tail, with the face looking at her. It was going to be cooked for tea, bought at the supermarket.

1. In a mother/daughter evening about puberty, was the only adult who raised her hand during 'Question time' and said that as her daughter was so wide what tampon would be suggested.

1. Helped out at the Youth Group her daughter attended but not the one her son did.

1. Said publicly in front of daughter regarding a Lucky Dip that her son should choose the ticket because he's 'the lucky one'.

1. Daughter had to buy first bra from a Girl Guide jumble sale because Mum laughed when she asked if they could buy her first one together.

1. No purchase of sanitary products, daughter had to buy them out of earned pocket/bday/Xmas money. Daughter was at fee-paying school funded by other relatives.

2 more memories have just bounced at me off the back of some comments.

I was doing an art project and had to save up chocolate bar wrappers. I had been and after a few weeks she laud them on the kitchen worktop and told d my brother and Dad I had been eating them in secret. Obviously to embarrass me.

Another time she disclosed (purposely or not I don't know) she had Post Natal depression after I was born. My brother was born 17 months after me.

She doesn't show emotion, I've only seen her cry twice. Both at funerals.

I've also noticed that in the last 5 phonecalls with my Dad he has said to me when I talk 'Anyway, moving on...'

I'm not aware if my brother knows he's the favourite. We've only just started speaking after an almost decade-long silence, from a fallout of how he treated me. He never made the effort to see me or his niece & my parents enabled his behaviour. Again, after I pulled him up on it. It was me, interestingly, that had to apologise, to make peace for my DD's sake...except it hasn't got anywhere because he still hasn't asked to see her. I just realised that's a dripfeed and I'm sorry, there's an awful lot going on

I knew my DD turning 6 would be a trigger because that's when my memories start from, but I didn't estimate the intensity of emotion/rage/anger. I'm losing friends on what seems like a daily basis because I just expect them to understand where I'm coming from and why I say what I say and why I act like I do.....but they don't sad All of her friends got together (planned by the parents) recently but excluded her in what seemed like an intentional way, so I pulled them up on it and now none of them want to know me. As a child I was never heard so now as an adult I shout, scream, kick up a fuss just to get my point across but it backfired.

The thing is, OP, while it is important to recognize that aspects of your parents' behaviour was unacceptable, this IN NO WAY gives you a license to behave atrociously. What you have written above suggests to me that your daughter will be examining some difficult memories of you in due course.

By all means cut contact with your parents if you feel that is the right thing to do. But your number one priority should be to ensure you are living well for you and your daughter, which does not include alienating everyone around you. Please remember that your DM's behaviour didn't come out of nowhere, and you are nonetheless holding her responsible for her actions.

If your mother had PND then she shouldn't be shamed for it.

The saving up chocolate wrappers is you confabulating what she thought. She perhaps saw it as humorous

You obviously bear a lot of ill-will to your parents and brother and I would suggest, for peace of mind, you cut them all out of your life now.

I could write a similar list to yours. I finally went no contact with my mother over 2 years ago (I'm 40). The relief is immense. It hasn't been totally straightforward with a certain amount of meddling relatives but even with that my only regret is not going it sooner.

The finally catalyst for going no contact was looking at my sleeping baby DD and wondering how it was possible to be so cruel to any child let alone your own. Realising you have, and never will, experience maternal love is an enormous thing and something you have to grieve. It really isn't fair, and people who have experienced normal loving maternal relationships (even otherwise very lovely people) will struggle to emphasise at all because the concept is so utterly absurd to them.

What your mother did to you was horrible.
You need to research a way to find out who you could talk to about this.

These people are friendly acquaintances you've made via your daughter's school. They are not long term, close best friends who you've known for years and years but you are treating them as if they are .
I just expect them to understand where I'm coming from and why I say what I say and why I act like I do.....but they don't

Then STOP discussing it with them.

You are dealing with unmanageable feelings and this is not helping you. Find the right people to talk to
Also recognise that these things are in the past. Hurtful but in the past and you need to stop letting them affect your life now.

All of her friends got together (planned by the parents) recently but excluded her in what seemed like an intentional way, so I pulled them up on it and now none of them want to know me

You are barging in here like a bull in a china shop.

As previous poster said. Your Daughter is your number one priority.
Stop and THINK before you do things like this. How has it helped your daughter?.. All its done is make them all take a huge step back because they are worried that your behaviour is unpredictable and it could be the very reason why your daughter is being excluded.
They are school mums and not the people to be exposing your innermost feelings to at least not in a group. This is not the way to encourage your daughter's friendships.
Think how you felt when your mum showed you up in a school talk.
People don't suddenly behave the way you want them to if you give them a big telling off. You cannot force them to include your DD by "pulling them up on it" it really sounds like you over did it .

Could you find a class or a book which might help you deal with these situations in a calm, assertive way that doesn't upset people?

If you think your DD is being excluded in class, then you need to talk (calmly) with the school.

The best thing you can do now is apologise if you were offensive to them. (even if you feel they don't deserve it, the aim is to get back on civil terms with them, and hopefully it will make life easier for your daughter.) You might even find that this helps re build the bridges and with the Christmas break it will all die down and things can go on as normal. Take a huge step back and practice being very very boring and normal around them and don't moan about your childhood in conversations with them.

Find some mums at school who are a bit kinder and see if you can organise some playdates for your daughter with their children BUT DO NOT see them as people you have to tell everything to. Try to see this as an exercise in encouraging your daughters friendships without getting so involved yourself. If you are worried about your daughter's friendship group, look at afterschool activities to keep her busy, sports or drama. She will make friends that way and it takes some of the focus off school friendships.

I'm sorry that you feel this way, and perhaps you need to take a big step back from your Mum while you sort out your feelings. Stop running after your brother and trying to get him interested and then being upset that he isn't. You are just repeating the pattern with the same results. That's his problem, leave him to it and focus on doing nice stuff with your daughter yourself. It might be that you need to focus on your own adult friendships and interests too,
I am sure there are people on this thread who have some recommendations of where you can get some help/advice in dealing with your feelings.
But please think about what you are trying to achieve and the best way to achieve it before you charge in with school mums.
If its any consolation, many people find primary school years very difficult. But you have the Christmas break to have some fun with your daughter. Don't dwell on it with her, she's a child and shouldn't have to worry about these things. Focus on your relationship with her and how it will be better than the one you had with your mum. I hope you find some relief or support soon. Best of luck

@chilliplant634

1,3,6,7 are the ones which really stand out. That's terrible.

Really? 6 and 7 were true for me. I bought my own sanitary protection because it was my DF who did the Saturday shop and not DM and in those days many people didn't talk about such things in front of men. Bought my own first bra too. DM did later take me to M&S to get measured, which they did in the middle of the shop. It was over clothes, but still very embarrassing for an 11 year old.

"Unacceptable in not providing essentials."

The daughter had pocket money/birthday money though so didn't go without them.

"Another time she disclosed (purposely or not I don't know) she had Post Natal depression after I was born. "

Snap. I'm glad I know because it does help explain some things.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Unacceptable in not providing essentials."

The daughter had pocket money/birthday money though so didn't go without them.

Hmmm I'm not sure that's the point. She shouldn't have had to buy them herself....it could have been embarrassing for her not to mention a child cannot always be organised enough to make sure they are always available

"I'm losing friends on what seems like a daily basis because I just expect them to understand where I'm coming from and why I say what I say and why I act like I do.....but they don't"

I've had this problem in the past. I think that books and tv and films have done us all a massive disservice here: sadly, in real life, you don't get to explain your character or backstory. People don't like it when you overshare, and won't make excuses for your behaviour or think differently because of it.

It's the sort of thing you need to know about yourself and come to terms with, but isn't something you can tell most other people and hope they just somehow understand you better.

If you would like to have some counselling there are options that aren't very expensive or have long waiting lists.

There are many centres that provide low cost counselling, they are staffed by advanced psychotherapy trainees, which is the same level that most nhs counselling is provided by.

Most places charge between 5 and 25 per session depending on ability to pay.
Google low cost community counselling and your area and see what comes up.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Unacceptable in not providing essentials."

The daughter had pocket money/birthday money though so didn't go without them.

You.shpuldbt have to spend your pocket money and birthday money on sanitary products FFS.

Her parents dint even sound like they were sruggling for money.

The tampon comment is just ...... I have no words. It would hsve been atrocious privately but in front of a group.

Oh I just recognises your username; youvarecthe most consistently bizarre, contrary poster I've seen on here. I have no idea if youre a troll, or just contrary for the sake of it in every thread, or if there are other issues at play.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff
Yes you're right, I think because of my childhood I've gone to the far extreme & want to trust everyone until they prove they can't be trusted. Regarding my DD being excluded, it was only that one incident. The mother of the class Queen Bee instigated a meet-up outside our house with most of the class and it was very, very obvious it was meant to exclude us. Especially after a particular conversation we had previously had about that date and time. I had tolerated her behaviour for 3 years but this was the incident where I finally questioned why she had done that. Several children have left the school because of her lack of accountability. In stark contrast, my DD was voted in to be school class rep. It was only after this incident when I apologised and explained in a very brief message that I was wondering why we had very clearly been left out and tried to explain in one sentence that my childhood issues make me insecure, that I got a torrent of abuse back saying she doesn't care, she isn't interested, she has her life to live. The rest are 'ok' with me. Not as close as we were but we still say chi & are on friendly terms.

In everything else DD is included and is a social whirlwind, I am so proud of her. I posted on here because I am trying to be pro-active, I don't want to fuck things up for her.

I wasn't aware of low-cost counselling - Thankyou, I will research this evening.

My heart goes out to all those suffering and who have low self-esteem. It isn't deserved, it's not OK and somehow we have to fix a problem we didn't create.

I damn well will ensure my DD doesn't suffer emotionally like I am. I will pause, stop, think, take some time before I react. Even if it takes a few days. I've got to. I can't carry on in self-destruct mode.

One poster asked what 'snuggles her muzzies' means....in this house it means her muslins are her comfort/security blanket and she has them at bedtime with no questions asked.

well 2, 4 & 5 wouldn't make me think anything.

1. mean
2. asking a question isn't wrong but the question is very odd.
3. bad parenting
4. bad parenting

Your was abusive, sadly your partner is too. What on earth is he doing going batshit at you in a card shop?

3 is absolutely bizarre

2 probably normal, 1 is mean but not particularly abnormal. I have a friend who’s DH carries on like that and whereas a normal person would see it was not being well received he doesn’t and everyone is then upset.

4 is normal, 5 it depends if it’s a one off or a pattern.

5 & 6 totally relate. My first bra was an E cup. I had really, really needed one for about 3 years but my dm just wouldn’t get me one. Tampons and towels were very, very thin on the ground. I don’t think she thought it was a problem. Anything like that embarrasses her. It was an extreme version of those threads where people won’t buy their y6 dd a crop top in case it is mistaken for fetish wear. I don’t think it was abusive, just crap. I didn’t have “3” though.

All neglectful and abusive

"You.shpuldbt have to spend your pocket money and birthday money on sanitary products FFS."

Ideally not, but the pocket money is coming from the parents anyway isn't it? I think my parents were wrong with this, but I don't think I was abused.

I didn't get picket money, at 14 I got a Saturday job earning £2 an hour, my Dad took 25% of that for rent to enable me to learn the value of money and pay my way.
All sanitary products had to come out of my bday and Xmas money or earnings.

When I passed my driving test (lessons paid for my grandparents) just like my education) my Dad told me to get taxis so I didn't have to fork out for a car.

When DH & I got our first property together 26 years ago my Dad refused to visit us, said we should rent in case the relationship failed. It felt like the expense of getting out of a mortgage early was more of a concern to him than my relationship.

He took out life insurance on my mum's mum and that's how my dad has got his wealth now.

It's only because of my DD turning this age now that all these things are starting to re-emerge.

3 is absolutely horrible OP. A close female relative of mine used to like to humiliate me in front of people in order to make herself feel better which was awful but my goodness - if it had been my own mother I would be absolutely devastated and I can totally understand why you are still affected now.

I can relate to 5, 6, 7 and I agree that it's not ok or acceptable. 6 and 7, to me, are as essential as food and water and that was her responsibility to provide those things for you. I don't think I had access to sanitary towels until about 2 years after I started my period. I had to use wads of toilet paper and I absolutely hated my mother for it. For some reason she was too embarrassed to buy them for me.

Its great that you have an open and secure relationship with your own DD and are being proactive. Again, I can relate to a lot of what you have said re your relationship with your DD. My own daughters bedroom drawers are going to be absolutely packed with the finest sanitary towels in the land and she will have as many bras as she'd like when the time comes. I will starve if necessary in order to make that happen!

But seriously... if your financial situation improves, I would highly recommend CBT - I found it brilliant and it really helped me.

All the best OP and well done on surviving such a shitty childhood

My mum also used to refuse to buy me underwear and hygiene products and my stepfather refused to allow me to shower, it's awful parenting and the bullying that was associated with that has stayed with me for life. I can't afford private counselling either but I have had a course of CBT on the NHS and am waiting for another high intensity course now - the waiting lists are brutal and it's seriously hard work to get anywhere but do keep trying with them. CBT has helped me, it hasn't got rid of the bad memories and it's not a magic wand but it has helped with some of my negative behaviours a little so I do think it could be helpful. Most people who had stable childhoods won't understand, and for alot of people who did have unstable childhoods shouting and aggressive behaviours can be extremley difficult to be around (I wouldn't be able to deal with it even though I really do sympathise with you, I just can't be around anger). Life dealt you a really shitty hand and that's not your fault but it can't be an excuse for hurting other people. I would cut off contact with your family though - you can do that and you have every right to protect yourself and your child from their toxicity. I understand the feeling if needing to be heard but you are an adult now and you can be your own safe place that you never had as a child, it's hard to remember that sometimes but your not that child anymore and you will never to be again.

Two things to bear in mind (and not negating your experiences in any way);

1. Your mother didn't do these things in a vacuum - somewhere along the line she learnt and/or believed that this behaviour was normal and acceptable. Look to her mother and grandmother for clues. The fact that you've broken this cycle of bad parenting is hugely to your credit.

1. We think our memories are accurate replicas of what happened at a particular time. Actually what is remembered is the last time you had that memory - a copy of a copy of a copy if you like. So you be could absolutely convinced that on your 10th birthday you did X or wore Y dress and your memory of that day is unshakeable. Then you find a correctly dated photo and realised that you actually did X on your sister's birthday and you wore Y dress on your 11th birthday.

(If anyone had asked me a couple of years ago I would have sworn blind that I first went to the USA in 2004 - I absolutely remember that because I left New Orleans just before Katrina hit the city. Turns out Katrina was in 2005 )

It sounds like she's from a sexist culture and one where being "tough" is valued.