Self absorbed/child absorbed parents

[Dropcatchit]

What's the cause of it?
Since becoming a parent, I've really become aware of really self absorbed parents and it's impacting hugely on some of my friendships. Some friends, who are parents are completely and utterly absorbed in their own children as if no other children on earth exists.

My child and her friend have both had tummy bugs this week- both ill, both off school. I asked my friend how her son was and I get a huge commentary with absolutely no reciprocation of how my son is also and she knows he has it too- so I respond that mine is very similar and that we actually ended up at a&e with him as we thought he was dehydrated 2 nights ago. No acknowledgement of this whatsoever and another long winded message about her boy and no questions at all about mine.

Surely, it's common decency to show a bit of reciprocated care? I find it odd. I always ask about friend's children and genuinely care that they're ok. I have a few friends who are much the same, but also a handful who are just completely absorbed in their own children.

My SIL is much the same with my nephew and will talk about his milestones with zest, but if I contribute anything about my children, it's like I'm not talking. She once got my nephew to perform a song and we all clapped and cheered, my daughter then wanted to share a song she had learned at school and SIL got on her phone and began having a conversation half way though.

It's actually really infuriating me that some parents are literally so absorbed in their own children and can't see their rudeness and ignorance of other peoples. There must be a reason for it. I actually feel like my friend with the boy who has the tummy bug is purposely excluding my daughter from our exchanges and I really don't know why you would do that?

*my child and his friend
*excluding my son from our exchanges

Apologies, I'm typing quickly!

I know exactly what you mean, OP, and it's something I've recognised a lot outside of a parenting relationship as well.

I've noticed that quite often people can have a tendency to monologue at me and lecture me about something without acknowledging in any way whatsoever that I might also know how that feels.

I feel it's particularly noticable when it comes to parenting, I have a friend who has 1 child who was born 10 years after my 2 dc (friend is the same age as me). We were facetiming recently and she was telling me on and on and on and ON about how difficult it is to have a child. How all consuming it is. How hard it is without family help.

In the end I just said "I know, I went through all of this 10 years ago without family help, I know it's hard".

She looked a bit sheepish but I honestly don't think it had ever crossed her mind that I might have an idea what it was like.

It is there in other ways, too. My next door neighbours have a dog the same age as our dog. They talk to me as though I have no idea what a dog is, let alone that I also have one. They wanted to bring their dog over to play with our kids as they'd love it. My kids have a dog! Just, what?

But back to you before I make it all about me exactly as in your op, lol, sorry!

I think that's really hurtful of your friend and I'd take it as a sign that she really doesn't care about you and your DC. There are some wonderful people out there who really will care and listen, I'd take this as the sign to withdraw from her, you know she's self absorbed so maybe time to cut ties.

Yes I know people like this OP. It’s very annoying. I tend to find that they’re the kind of people who are self absorbed anyway in life, even without children. So once they have children they just become an extension of that. One of my oldest friends is like this, when she was pregnant a couple of years ago she messaged me endlessly with questions (I already had dc) and generally wanting to talk about her pregnancy in detail, same when the baby arrived. I was happy to do this, even though when I’d had my kids she wasn’t remotely interested and never asked a single thing. I thought ‘well she didn’t have kids back then so I guess she just didn’t think to show an interest’. But now I’m pregnant and it’s literally been radio silence from her. Not interested in how I am or talking about it. I have a complication which I told her about and she sent the briefest text back ever basically just saying ‘oh well I’m sure it’ll be alright’ and I’ve heard nothing since. Some people are only interested in themselves and they don’t tend to change.

"I honestly don't think it had ever crossed her mind that I might have an idea what it was like."

Exactly this @callygoballistic
My SIL is exactly like this with my nephew. I remember her giving me a massive commentary on baby led weaning once as if I had no idea what it was. I had literally done it 2 years earlier with my youngest. It's weird.

The dog scenario is spot on too! I completely relate to this. Like their dog must be much better an more entertaining than your own. It's really bizarre.
I guess it all comes down to a lack of being able to relate and empathise overall or even to imagine that someone else has experienced what they have. Majorly self absorbed really.

@Hadenough21 this would really get under my skin!
"‘oh well I’m sure it’ll be alright’ and I’ve heard nothing since."

All these scenarios that you and other posters are mentioning are exactly what I'm talking about! There must be a name for it. Drives me absolutely nuts.

@Dropcatchit

"I honestly don't think it had ever crossed her mind that I might have an idea what it was like."

Exactly this @callygoballistic
My SIL is exactly like this with my nephew. I remember her giving me a massive commentary on baby led weaning once as if I had no idea what it was. I had literally done it 2 years earlier with my youngest. It's weird.

The dog scenario is spot on too! I completely relate to this. Like their dog must be much better an more entertaining than your own. It's really bizarre.
I guess it all comes down to a lack of being able to relate and empathise overall or even to imagine that someone else has experienced what they have. Majorly self absorbed really.

I wonder in a SIL relationship if there is an element of her not wanting to admit that you are more experienced than her? Although I don't know the dynamics so could be wrong.

I do remember struggling with breastfeeding with my first and making it to 6 months then stopping. I stupidly told my (then childfree friend) that I had made it to 6 months then stopped and she replied "aren't you supposed to do that for 2 years" and it really upset me at the time because I already felt stupidly judged and oversensitive.

When she had her DC 10 years later she messaged me after about a week saying "baby is on bottles it's so much easier, yeay!" and I just replied "yeay!". It still annoys me looking back, gosh I know how to hold a grudge, lol.

And yes yes to the dog thing. A dog you say? Why of course it must be far so superior to the dog you like to pretend I don't have. Their dog did come over once and it pissed in the corner of my lounge

Yes I have a friend like this, it makes me sad really. I've gone through a very rough few months leaving my husband (I'm happy but it's still hard) and barely heard a word from her about it, but on the other hand get stupidly long updates about every single little sniffle her toddler has. Any conversation we manage to have which is not often reverts back to her toddler, and it's quite exhausting after a couple of hours. If we meet with her dc there she won't listen to a word as she'll just be staring at him playing. I know my looming divorce is not as central to her life as say potty training or her dc milestones, but I feel quite unsupported and let down. Like she expects me to have the mental energy to hear every detail about her DC, but not even lip service about a huge event in my life which also affects my dc - not a word to see how we are coping. But I do really miss the bond we used to have and no idea how to get it back.

@NewlyJingle2021

Yes I have a friend like this, it makes me sad really. I've gone through a very rough few months leaving my husband (I'm happy but it's still hard) and barely heard a word from her about it, but on the other hand get stupidly long updates about every single little sniffle her toddler has. Any conversation we manage to have which is not often reverts back to her toddler, and it's quite exhausting after a couple of hours. If we meet with her dc there she won't listen to a word as she'll just be staring at him playing. I know my looming divorce is not as central to her life as say potty training or her dc milestones, but I feel quite unsupported and let down. Like she expects me to have the mental energy to hear every detail about her DC, but not even lip service about a huge event in my life which also affects my dc - not a word to see how we are coping. But I do really miss the bond we used to have and no idea how to get it back.

Sorry to hear about your recent separation, that sounds tough to work through.

Can I just say that my pet hate is adults inviting other adults to spectate them playing with their children. Nope.

I did have a friend whose DC was not allowed to be around a mobile phone. Like, ever. She kept it in her pocket like it was crack cocaine and refused to use it once when her and another friend were stranded and needed to call for help because, well shit, what might happen if a 3 yo see their mother on the phone for 1 minute?

Yes I notice this too, some people are so self absorbed it’s strange

These mums also turn out to be the Tommy topper mums who’s child can say 5000 words before 12 months and ran a marathon by 7 months. I’ve got NC with one of these mums who didn’t even ask how my daughter was when she tripped and smashed her face into the corner of a table but proceeded to tell me about something her daughter had done that day.

Reciprocity and basic conversation skills are important in friendship.

In my 20s I spent less time with or stopped seeing friends like this. Family members like this I do still see, and try to make the best of it!

Agree that parenting can exacerbate this. Several friends became dull company after DC, talking about (or ‘tending to’) their DC almost all of the time when in company. Not just when the DC were tiny.

Disagree though that friends should care emotionally about others’ DCs. That’s different from politeness, reciprocity, basic kindness and wanting all to be well. As an adult, I don’t ‘connect’ with many DC.

Meh.
I’ve experimented with this, because I’m a cow.
It’s kind of gone on for ever now but I ask how they are….,, get their/kids life story, blah blah blah then talk about something completely different.
I don’t mention my kids at all. Ever.
The experiment is to see if any of them ask.
The answer dear reader is no.
They have zero interest and never ever ask.
Even my own mother.
Talks at me about the bloody bins, neighbours I don’t know and her trips to Tesco down the road.
Never ever a single enquiry about her own grandchildren.

That’s them.
I kind of just say nothing.

Agree with the PP that some people are generally self-absorbed but it becomes a lot more apparent after DC. I have a friend who doesn’t have any kids but is very self-absorbed especially when it comes to her job. It’s just tiring. And dull. So, so dull.

This doesn't change as your children get older. I have a friend who, when we meet gives me the full rundown on her adult children. I am genuinely interested and ask lots of questions, react etc. Never once does she ask about my dc who are all grown up now. I actually laugh to myself as its so obvious. I think you really notice it when you then meet another friend who remembers the little details like they changed jobs..how is that going etc. I still continue to be interested in my friends children and just decided a long time ago this won't change.
My dm had an amazing capacity to remember all the details of her 24 gc, when they had exams, driving tests, big concerts, etc. S soon as l would arrive to her house she would ask all the relevant questions and show total interest. It's great gift to get from someone. It's one of the many things l miss about her since she died.
I think people are either one way or the other.

@NewlyJingle2021 I'm sorry your friend has behaved like this throughout your separation; they have zero empathy by the sounds of things. Has it made you reevaluate your friendship?
@AperolWhore agreed, it's the elitist parents that do it the most. I once noted that there's a difference between parents who want the best for their children and those who want their children to be THE best.

@junebirthdaygirl @Vampiricouncil

agreed! It's so rude it's almost funny. After asking about friends children/grandchildren and them asking nothing of my family in return, I always drop in my three are doing really well too , usually to be met with a vacant look but no recognition that they haven't actually asked after them at all! These are people I phase out.

@Dropcatchit yes it really has made me reevaluate everything. I stopped contacting her for a while to see if she made any effort with me. We were due to meet at a long-planned event with our dc and other friends, she did not get involved in the group text about meeting beforehand and once there did not seem to want to chat with us at all. The minute I or another friend said something she immediately just stared at her toddler, who was very clingy that day, and said something to him instead, like talking through him 'we are very well aren't we cheeky monkey?'. Very bizarre. Almost like she's forgotten how to have adult conversation. I have suggested meeting before Christmas without dc and I'll see how that goes, but I do feel like its going to be awkward and that it's sadly run it's course.

Mine are all late 20s now but I remember this well OP. I used to just tell myself ‘hell is other parents’. it got worse during teenage years, when their friends’ parents would make terrible decisions that impacted my DC sometimes. . I learned to avoid people with that attitude and/or never say anything about my own DC to them.

This is not about children but I know a few people like this, who monologue at you the whole time. (Not friends but fellow volunteers). I entertain myself on the way home listing all the things “I now know about said person and how very few things s/he now knows about me. When I” grumble to DH he says I should take it as a compliment, because I’m obviously a good listener!

I'm like this. Don't mean to be and hate it about myself.
The reasons are:
Parents who overindulged me and my siblings - encouraged us to be self absorbed.
Friends who were similarly self absorbed therefore no need to ask questions and actually a need to compete to share information and get a word in edge ways.
Very tired and a bit useless at conversation.

I'm aware of this now but finding it hard to change even if I remember before and after a conversation- when I'm in the thick of it I'm on autopilot.

Nocaloriesinchocolate Disagree with your H, it’s more a sign that you’re passive!

I don't think this is new, or restricted to women.
My almost 80 year old Dad does exactly this.
Most people are self absorbed. Some people make an effort not to be.

@Dozer

Nocaloriesinchocolate Disagree with your H, it’s more a sign that you’re passive!

Yes, exactly. My mother is like this -- she will complain afterwards about someone she knows talking for an hour about people she's never met and whose names she doesn't even recognise, but she doesn't seem to recognise that she never says 'Hang on, who is X?' or 'Why would I care whether your cousin's friend's vet who lives in another country is in hospital, when I've never met any of them?' or stops someone's monologue to either volunteer her own news or to say she needs to go. And she will leap up in the middle of a family dinner to answer the phone when she can see from caller display that it's Jean who will monologue about family members in another country for an hour and then hang up without saying 'How are you?'

And as a wider question for the thread in general -- lots of people are describing these self-absorbed people as 'friends', as if they still maintain a relationship with them. Why would you do that? Why would you be friends with someone who has so little theory of mind they don't grasp that other people have their own separate lives, and who treat you as a sort of listening wallpaper?