Self absorbed/child absorbed parents

[Dropcatchit]

What's the cause of it?
Since becoming a parent, I've really become aware of really self absorbed parents and it's impacting hugely on some of my friendships. Some friends, who are parents are completely and utterly absorbed in their own children as if no other children on earth exists.

My child and her friend have both had tummy bugs this week- both ill, both off school. I asked my friend how her son was and I get a huge commentary with absolutely no reciprocation of how my son is also and she knows he has it too- so I respond that mine is very similar and that we actually ended up at a&e with him as we thought he was dehydrated 2 nights ago. No acknowledgement of this whatsoever and another long winded message about her boy and no questions at all about mine.

Surely, it's common decency to show a bit of reciprocated care? I find it odd. I always ask about friend's children and genuinely care that they're ok. I have a few friends who are much the same, but also a handful who are just completely absorbed in their own children.

My SIL is much the same with my nephew and will talk about his milestones with zest, but if I contribute anything about my children, it's like I'm not talking. She once got my nephew to perform a song and we all clapped and cheered, my daughter then wanted to share a song she had learned at school and SIL got on her phone and began having a conversation half way though.

It's actually really infuriating me that some parents are literally so absorbed in their own children and can't see their rudeness and ignorance of other peoples. There must be a reason for it. I actually feel like my friend with the boy who has the tummy bug is purposely excluding my daughter from our exchanges and I really don't know why you would do that?

That's interesting negligee. My mother has a very self absorbed sister who talks endlessly about her family and was absolutely indignant when they met up with a family friend and 'she didn't ask about my family once' gasp! With no awareness that this is how she herself behaves all the time.

What I find most interesting though is that it infuriates my mother yet she goes along with ir and enables it exactly as you describe, leaping up to answer the phone. DH and I live 200 miles from my mother and her family and when we visited she'd call her sister to come over and see us. And we'd wait. And wait. And wait.

My mother would keep phoning 'oh they're on their way'. When they eventually arrived four hours late they'd monologue at us about their family.

I stopped enabling it by going out. My mother would be mortified but quite honestly she could do with learning to go out when her sister hasn't turned up after two hours.

Funny thing is my aunts daughter who is my age is exactly the same. Expects cousins children to be left hungry in restaurants because her DC is having a nap.

I don't bother with her at all. I refuse to enable this self-involved nonsense. I wish more people would too,

@DarwinsNaturalSelection

I'm like this. Don't mean to be and hate it about myself. The reasons are: Parents who overindulged me and my siblings - encouraged us to be self absorbed. Friends who were similarly self absorbed therefore no need to ask questions and actually a need to compete to share information and get a word in edge ways. Very tired and a bit useless at conversation.

I'm aware of this now but finding it hard to change even if I remember before and after a conversation- when I'm in the thick of it I'm on autopilot.

Wow that's actually really interesting.

So it's an absolutely ingrained self focus? It's great that you are aware.

I wonder what would happen if the self absorbed were asked "Would you like to hear about my children now?"

I have come to believe that narcisstic traits are more common than is realised.

Eg An (ex) friend talking “at” me literally for a whole hour about her general life before finally, running out of steam, looking at me in a slightly bored, deflated way ‘oh what about you?’!

Eg a neighbour contacting me about her latest health scare. I went through something v similar, worse in severity if anything, and eventually mentioned it when I had a chance, but she barely stopped to acknowledge that and raced on with her long long story

I really try to avoid people like this now, which minimises my social world considerably it must be said!

Thankfully now have a lovely local friendship group and thinking about we have gradually over the years binned off all the child bores.

We still discuss our issues with our kids but in a reciprocal way. Funny stories and proper worries only. Such a relief.

In response to your general question Negligee, why do we put up with the MeMeMe people? Well the ex friend who talked about herself nearly all the time - she could be funny, and was kinda exuberant at times! But in the end this wasn’t enough for me when I was feeling fragile anyway. And any longer time spent with her was depressing too. Also, quite a few of us might be used to that in our families in some way ie not listened to.

PS I forgot the ex-friend who sent me a small-typed A4 Xmas letter ALL about herself. And I’d gone through a very difficult time, have poor health, but no reference to any of it. At the end, I’m not sure if she even said a generic hope you’re well! It wasn’t even one of those round robin letters! She was quite a nice person generally though. Just self absorbed for whatever reason.

We still discuss our issues with our kids but in a reciprocal way. Funny stories and proper worries only. Such a relief

^ sounds good

I think sometimes it's just a bit of social awkwardness. I'm an only child and I am interested in other people but sometimes have to give myself a script to remember to ask "And what about you?" and other common questions. I also like silence and don't have to fill it with lots of chatter and small talk as some other people seem to.

I guess among my circle of friends we tend to volunteer information and talk about ourselves. Perhaps we are all a bit self-absorbed but rub along nicely as no-one dominates the conversation and we do actually listen to one another also.

I’m an only child too. But all the said offenders have siblings!

I don’t think it’s an only child thing it’s a self awareness thing. My mother taught us social skills don’t bang on about yourself / ask the other person about themselves too and listen to the response etc. as a young teen I was 🙄 but she was dead right. And she is still the most popular person I know herself so knows her stuff!

@DarwinsNaturalSelection

I'm like this. Don't mean to be and hate it about myself. The reasons are: Parents who overindulged me and my siblings - encouraged us to be self absorbed. Friends who were similarly self absorbed therefore no need to ask questions and actually a need to compete to share information and get a word in edge ways. Very tired and a bit useless at conversation.

I'm aware of this now but finding it hard to change even if I remember before and after a conversation- when I'm in the thick of it I'm on autopilot.

That's amazingly truthful of you. I think you can change it if you're aware of it. Being self aware is 70% of the battle.

I used to be an awful listener- I only realised it when I did a teacher training course and had to make a conscious effort to listen to my students. It completely drained me at first. For me, it was all down to never being listened to as a child, so I'd never learned that skill. It wasn't a product of self absorption for me though, I just genuinely didn't have a listening skill. I'm still very conscious of it today and it's probably why I make the effort to properly listen now. But as a result, it upsets me when listening isn't reciprocated.

It’s a reflection of their overall personality, rather than just their parenting. Even some people without children can be incredibly self-involved. When those people then become parents, their children become the main focus of their self involvement.

No, it isn't an only child thing, but I was a quite socially awkward only child who wasn't really interested in other kids when I was small, in fact I disliked most other children for some time. I very much had an inner world going on in my head, and I didn't get particularly good social skills from my parents who are not particularly sociable or interested in other people. So I feel like I've been playing catch-up since. My tendency is to be self-absorbed, in my head or spend so much time thinking about my DDs, my work and own family that I often feel like I don't have headspace for anyone else. But I try not to be. It doesn't come naturally, as I say, to ask people about themselves, but I do at least make an attempt.

It's very common.

These people do not make good friends so as quick as I would spot it, I would cross them off and keep them at a distance.

Short, brief conversations when we meet.

To be avoided.

Even worse is when the self-absorbed eventually ask at the end - so how are things with you? - either look completely bored and disinterested in your answers, or 2 mins into your conversation, try and turn around your experience into how it relates to something that is relevant to them .

I know what you mean OP. I know quite a few people like that, there’s no reciprocity from them at all. They are just very self centred and their children are an extension of that. One of them even told me it’ll be different when I have DC, I do they are just older than most of my friends kids!

@RoseJam

Even worse is when the self-absorbed eventually ask at the end - so how are things with you? - either look completely bored and disinterested in your answers, or 2 mins into your conversation, try and turn around your experience into how it relates to something that is relevant to them .

Yep! Happened to me last week with said mother. She physically turned her back on me as I responded with something about my kids after her monologue. Completely rude. I continued talking but wanted the floor to swallow me up as other people were around and I must have looked a ploner talking to someone's back. She was looking for her husband. Hadn't thought to look for him whilst she was speaking though 🤔

Anyone who monologues at me and doesn't take any interest in me or my life gets dumped as a friend. If it's an acquaintance or someone on the school run etc I just say a cheery 'must get going' when they start talking at me.

The Sister in Law who expected everyone to listen to her child singing then started talking on her phone when her niece sung would get pulled up on it 'Why are you on your phone? We've just listened to little Johnny singing and now we're listening to my daughter'. If she fell out with me I couldn't care less.

I honestly don't know why people just meekly put up with that type of person

They don’t - they get dumped as friends over time. None of the women like this have many if any friends. Just their families that get stuck with them.

@MsTSwift

They don’t - they get dumped as friends over time. None of the women like this have many if any friends. Just their families that get stuck with them.

Yes. Like Uncle Colm in Derry Girls, whose visits are regarded with frank horror by his relatives. Or they acquire a people-pleaser with poor boundaries like my mother, who will stand in a draughty hall where the landline is for a full hour, saying ‘Oh, really?’ and ‘Is that so?’ to a monologue about people she’s never met who live in another country, from someone who will then hang up without even asking one question about how she is.

OP,
You need to be less polite, cut them off and avoid.

They just want an audience.

Faced with someone droning on, I simply raised my ✋and just "excuse me I have to fly/use the loo/get a coffee refil/attend to something"

As for texts use👍 after 24-48 hours.

Stop listening, stop being accommodating.

They will never be real friends.

There is nothing duller than someone boring the arse off others about their children.

Zero tolerance here for it.

Yep, avoid acquaintances and friends who can’t turn take and show basic interest in others.

Also relatively easy to deal with people like this in work / in voluntary situations using avoidance and assertiveness tips.

Family harder to avoid: the people in my family who behave like this have some other v good qualities and there’s longstanding shared experiences and love. The assertiveness tips still help.

We can be inwardly ‘self absorbed’ with our own concerns, our own DC etc AND have conversation, manners and social skills. Think I’m in that category

We all are. Some people don’t realise it or their parents haven’t taught them. Teaching dc these social skills are of far more value to them in life than piano lessons etc.

I knew my work was done when queuing to get into the classroom with Dd2 aged 6 there was a lull in conversation. Dd2 turned to the mum next to me and asked brightly “do you have any nice plans for the weekend?” 😁

I do actually care about others and I am interested and I think I am often a good friend in other ways. Just bad in conversation.
I will try and empathise with people by sharing my experiences but then I feel it's been all "I this/I that".
Can you tell whether your friends are just a bit rubbish in conversation and do care and show it in other ways or are they genuinely self-absorbed?
Your SIL does sound the latter from what you've said?

I agree it's a lack of self-awareness thing, and think that some parents have not yet realised that their child isn't the centre of the world. Although of course our own child/ren are the centre of OUR world, and perhaps also their GP's worlds, that's as far as it goes. But some people seem to genuinly believe that their child/ren are the best / the most loving / the cleverest. It's a lack of rational thought really.

The people I know who think that way (and we all know who they are) I don't bother asking question so much, as I know they'll tell me loads of stuff I don't want to know anyway. Plus I don't want to reinforce their already over-inflated ideas about their child's importance in the world