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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell OW husband?

73 replies

turnonthelights · 06/12/2021 21:09

I will try to be as succinct as possible here.

I have discovered that my H started seeing another woman approximately 10 years ago. They would meet on a regular basis during the day. Her place was within walking distance of his place of work. I never suspected a thing for 8 years. It developed into a love affair. He was going to leave me when DC turned 18. This never happened. I assume because second DC turning 18 coincided with first DC suddenly choosing to live abroad for a year. I am guessing that he couldn't bring himself to leave me at the same time first DC was going away for a year.

The affair ended. I assume because of H not leaving me, but don't know exactly what happened.

OW met a divorced man, married him, had a child with him, but the affair with H re-started at some stage during this time. Lockdown happened. H and OW obviously could not see each other although I didn't know she was OW at the time. H and I became much closer during lockdown. Unfortunately, this closeness was what led me to discover what I have discovered.

H does not yet know that I know the truth. I separated from H after he admitted infidelity with others to me. He has always strongly denied any involvement with this decade-long OW.

My main question at the moment is whether I should speak to OW's husband. I have never spoken to this man. I think he may well know that she and H were seeing each other years ago, and he would have known that H was married. Now they have children together, I am not sure about throwing a grenade. I know from his SM postings that his first wife (with whom he has children) left him for someone else and he posted that he went into a depression when this happened.

I have been through hell trying to get to the truth of this. All I wanted was for someone to tell me the truth. AFAIK OW's husband does not know that she was seeing H while seeing him at the same time. Is he entitled to the truth or should I keep quiet?

OP posts:
itlod · 06/12/2021 21:11

He deserves to know the truth!

Hope you're ok OP Thanks such a tough time for you

FreedomFaith · 06/12/2021 21:14

He is entitled to the truth, although it's going to hurt him badly and he may end up depressed again. But he deserves better than a cheating woman who waited years for another man to leave his wife, then started up a relationship again with said man after having a kid and marrying another man. Are you sure that kid isn't your husbands?

Dunno how you'd tell him though other than to his face.

EdgeOfTheSky · 06/12/2021 21:17

He is entitled to truth and honesty from his partner, just as you were.

But he is nothing to do with you. He can’t give you what you need. You don’t know if he would rather not know. Messengers tend to get shot. You have enough to deal with.

But you seem to know enough about your husband.

Deal with your husband, and your own life.

Candleinthebreeze · 06/12/2021 21:49

As a man who has been cheated on, please, tell him.

I would absolutely want to know even if it hurt like mad

morethanspice · 06/12/2021 21:51

As a woman who has been cheated on, I wish the OWs husband had told me, he found out way before I did x

Tiredofbs123 · 06/12/2021 21:56

I am fully in the tell camp too. I truly believe everyone has the right to personal agency, affairs steal that from you.

But OP I hope you’re ok, that is an awful lot to process, I hope you have good friends and family to support you. My heart goes out to you Flowers

Todaythiscouldbe · 06/12/2021 21:59

When I found out my ex was having an affair I didn't tell her husband as she wanted one last family Christmas and, like a mug, I went along with it. I told him eventually, when it became obvious they were just going to keep on seeing each other behind his back. My only regret is that I didn't tell him sooner, he was really glad I'd told him and we have remained friends.

Weatherwax13 · 06/12/2021 22:02

I'd bloody tell him. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you'll soon start to feel the relief of not being with a liar who doesn't deserve you.

Animood · 06/12/2021 22:05

If I was the husband I'd want to know.

Wherearemymarbles · 06/12/2021 22:10

He should know.
Her child/children could well be your husbands (unless of course he has had the snip)

Marineboy67 · 06/12/2021 23:03

Yes definitely tell him, I wish someone had told me! Could of had happy years elsewhere.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2021 23:09

I’d tell him.

What an awful time, I’m so sorry love Flowers

Monalotmoore · 06/12/2021 23:12

I'd asks what your motive would be first. Is it hurting him to get back at her. Yes he should know but should it come from you? What about telling her you know the truth?

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/12/2021 23:17

You'll never get the truth from a serial cheat/pathological liar.

I'd tell him for his own sake, and swiftly follow with binning off your leg-humper of a H.

Philly1234 · 06/12/2021 23:21

I know that I would rather know the truth than not. That way I can make an informed choice about my future. Good luck OP. I’m so sorry for the betrayal you have experienced.

whistleryukon · 06/12/2021 23:33

In a heartbeat

Onthedunes · 06/12/2021 23:34

This was a long deception, by your h and the ow.

I see no reason why this convinient relationship would still not be continuing between them. Give the husband the information you have up to this point.

People like this never change but please allow this husband to know what you know, he deserves to know who he is dealing with.

Dreadful people.
Take care op Flowers

LetHimHaveIt · 07/12/2021 00:06

I se you've separated from your husband, so that's that part taken care of.

Yes, I'd tell him. Why shouldn't her world implode? She's managed to deceive people for years. Time's up, bitch.

I'm think it's big of you to describe it as 'a love affair'. Their enormous love didn't stop him shagging women other than you and she, did it?

Wiredforsound · 07/12/2021 00:18

You should never protect someone who is behaving badly and treating others with disrespect. I would always want to know, because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought so little of me that they would shag other people behind my back.

Natbxx12 · 07/12/2021 00:37

Don't tell him! Doe she deserve to know the truth... yes.
Is it your place to tell him... no
You want achieve anything. You'll not make yourself feel better and you would potentially endo getting hurt and causing yourself unnecessary stress. My advice would be to leave well alone and to move on with your life!
Best of luck whatever you decide

HeartsAndClubs · 07/12/2021 00:50

Ordinarily I’m in the”don’t tell” camp, but on this occasion I would.

I would also merrily tell the OW that during their great love her knight in shining armour was also shagging all and sundry, so she needn’t be thinking she’s “the one”.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 07/12/2021 01:24

@Animood

If I was the husband I'd want to know.
I was the husband. If there’s been the chance of this happening I’d definitely want to know.
RobertSmithsLipstick · 07/12/2021 01:31

I wouldn't tell him.
It doesn't sound as if it's coming from the idea that he needs to know, more from you wanting to lash out and hurt someone

nocnoc · 07/12/2021 01:36

I would want to know

PurpleSapphire · 07/12/2021 01:37

If I was him i'd want to know.
But is it going to cause a lot of hassle you don't need? People do tend to shoot the messenger, a lot.