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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell OW husband?

73 replies

turnonthelights · 06/12/2021 21:09

I will try to be as succinct as possible here.

I have discovered that my H started seeing another woman approximately 10 years ago. They would meet on a regular basis during the day. Her place was within walking distance of his place of work. I never suspected a thing for 8 years. It developed into a love affair. He was going to leave me when DC turned 18. This never happened. I assume because second DC turning 18 coincided with first DC suddenly choosing to live abroad for a year. I am guessing that he couldn't bring himself to leave me at the same time first DC was going away for a year.

The affair ended. I assume because of H not leaving me, but don't know exactly what happened.

OW met a divorced man, married him, had a child with him, but the affair with H re-started at some stage during this time. Lockdown happened. H and OW obviously could not see each other although I didn't know she was OW at the time. H and I became much closer during lockdown. Unfortunately, this closeness was what led me to discover what I have discovered.

H does not yet know that I know the truth. I separated from H after he admitted infidelity with others to me. He has always strongly denied any involvement with this decade-long OW.

My main question at the moment is whether I should speak to OW's husband. I have never spoken to this man. I think he may well know that she and H were seeing each other years ago, and he would have known that H was married. Now they have children together, I am not sure about throwing a grenade. I know from his SM postings that his first wife (with whom he has children) left him for someone else and he posted that he went into a depression when this happened.

I have been through hell trying to get to the truth of this. All I wanted was for someone to tell me the truth. AFAIK OW's husband does not know that she was seeing H while seeing him at the same time. Is he entitled to the truth or should I keep quiet?

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 07/12/2021 02:21

Tell him. OW robbed her H’s choices and consent, and put his health at risk. She may still be. He has the right to know, just as you did.

Make sure you talk to him directly or contact him via a reliable platform that OW won’t see. And inform him before confronting your H, so the Cheaters won’t be able to sabotage your effort.

Your H is such a small man. Flowers

1forAll74 · 07/12/2021 02:52

No I would not divulge things to this man, what is the point now .

silentpool · 07/12/2021 03:08

It's hard to know what's best. Who are you doing it for OP? To punish the OW or to inform her husband. Just be sure of your motivations as you may feel worse after you've thrown the landmine.

Momijin · 07/12/2021 03:23

Op's motivations are irrelevant. It's whether you think he should know or not. I personally would rather know. One ex cheated on me and if a friend who knew had told me, it would have led me to make different decisions. I understood why she didn't tell me (I was pregnant) but I really wish she had. By not knowing I made some decisions that affected years of my life.

He should know and then he can decide what he wants to do.

silentpool · 07/12/2021 03:56

I don't think her motivations are irrelevant - it might feel good at the time to inflict pain but it won't help OP to feel better in herself. I'm not saying he shouldn't know but OP should know, she might not feel better after doing it...

Momijin · 07/12/2021 04:10

True. But the way op has phrased it is that she wishes someone had told her but she's wondering whether telling him is the right thing to do. So it doesn't sound like anything other than wanting to treat him as she wished she had been treated.

Rangoon · 07/12/2021 04:48

I'd absolutely tell him. I wouldn't feel obliged to dress it up as he should know etc. It would be vengeance plain and simple for me.

Buildingthefuture · 07/12/2021 06:16

I would tell him. And I agree about the messenger sometimes getting shot, but, in this case, with such a long deception? He absolutely deserves the information to inform his choices going forward.
I’m sorry OP, what a dreadful situation…and what a pair of complete arseholes Angry

KatherineJaneway · 07/12/2021 06:19

Do you have concrete proof of dates?

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2021 06:23

If I had proof I would share it, yes,

FreeBritnee · 07/12/2021 06:32

Leave him alone. He sounds vulnerable and if your information led him to hurt himself you’d never forgive yourself.

Tiredofbs123 · 07/12/2021 06:39

In all other areas of life we’re taught to call out abuse but in the case of cheating you still get people who think it’s best ‘not to get involved’ and allow the abuse of the betrayed spouse to continue. It’s just so utterly depressing.

Yes there might be anger from the betrayed. Say what you need to say and walk away. You’ve given them their right to make choices about their live with the truth in their hands. What if they were planning another baby, he was going to financially throw in his life savings for a business of hers, there are just so many life decisions which could be different if he had all the facts of HIS life.

It’s irrelevant what OPs motives are, for what it’s worth I think she’s asking because she knows what it feels like to have your life choices stolen from you.

Amberflames · 07/12/2021 06:43

Not your place at all OP. At least if you want to do this you need to own it and admit it’s about revenge.

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2021 06:49

Yes, it's the old 'be dignified' bollocks which is really woman don't make a fuss when you are shat upon from a great height or you'll be seen as crazy. Funny how women seem to have been convinced that shining a light on infidelity makes us the bad guys. It's almost like men want to ensure they can shag about and women will prioritise being silent and dignified. Even to the extent of advising other women to do nothing and being critical of other women who they see as not being 'dignified'.

Fuck that. Grenade launcher all the way.

HolidaysAreHolidays · 07/12/2021 06:59

@LetHimHaveIt

I se you've separated from your husband, so that's that part taken care of.

Yes, I'd tell him. Why shouldn't her world implode? She's managed to deceive people for years. Time's up, bitch.

I'm think it's big of you to describe it as 'a love affair'. Their enormous love didn't stop him shagging women other than you and she, did it?

Time's up bitch.

This.

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 07:03

No
Absolutely no

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 07:13

I'd tell him. I wouldn't want something else going through ten years of deception like you have.

FreedomFaith · 07/12/2021 07:24

@Tiredofbs123

In all other areas of life we’re taught to call out abuse but in the case of cheating you still get people who think it’s best ‘not to get involved’ and allow the abuse of the betrayed spouse to continue. It’s just so utterly depressing.

Yes there might be anger from the betrayed. Say what you need to say and walk away. You’ve given them their right to make choices about their live with the truth in their hands. What if they were planning another baby, he was going to financially throw in his life savings for a business of hers, there are just so many life decisions which could be different if he had all the facts of HIS life.

It’s irrelevant what OPs motives are, for what it’s worth I think she’s asking because she knows what it feels like to have your life choices stolen from you.

I think the ones who say 'don't say anything' are ones in life that are cheaters themselves and wouldn't want anyone telling on them. They don't see a problem with it as they do it themselves so don't care.
Frannibananni · 07/12/2021 07:31

He should know.

Tiredofbs123 · 07/12/2021 07:33

Certainly, and I believe there’s some societal conditioning.

Makes you realise why so many other forms of abuse continued for so long quietly until they were forced into the open.

cookiemonster2468 · 07/12/2021 07:36

In your position, I would want to make sure that he knew, one way or another. However you going directly to him does feel a bit like going straight for the jugular and really he is nothing to do with you, so that should be your last resort.

I would firstly encourage your Husband and OW to come clean with him, even tell them that if they don't, you will.

I agree with people saying that everyone deserves personal agency of their lives and if this were me, I'd want to know (I think most people would). But the question is how he finds out, and you shouldn't be getting involved unless you've exhausted all other options.

cookiemonster2468 · 07/12/2021 07:40

I also think that first of all you need to address things between you and your husband. If he doesn't even know you know yet, I'm surprised that this other man is even on your radar.

One thing at a time.

justaddcandlelight · 07/12/2021 07:40

I was always in the don't tell camp,
Until I was in that position. I did tell. Opinions are divided on if it's the right thing to do or not. He still took her back though, but at least he had all of the facts when making a decision.

justaddcandlelight · 07/12/2021 07:41

And also being dignified doesn't mean being silent.

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 07/12/2021 07:44

I would want to know.