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Original poster

Would you tell OW husband?

73 replies

turnonthelights · 06/12/2021 21:09

I will try to be as succinct as possible here.

I have discovered that my H started seeing another woman approximately 10 years ago. They would meet on a regular basis during the day. Her place was within walking distance of his place of work. I never suspected a thing for 8 years. It developed into a love affair. He was going to leave me when DC turned 18. This never happened. I assume because second DC turning 18 coincided with first DC suddenly choosing to live abroad for a year. I am guessing that he couldn't bring himself to leave me at the same time first DC was going away for a year.

The affair ended. I assume because of H not leaving me, but don't know exactly what happened.

OW met a divorced man, married him, had a child with him, but the affair with H re-started at some stage during this time. Lockdown happened. H and OW obviously could not see each other although I didn't know she was OW at the time. H and I became much closer during lockdown. Unfortunately, this closeness was what led me to discover what I have discovered.

H does not yet know that I know the truth. I separated from H after he admitted infidelity with others to me. He has always strongly denied any involvement with this decade-long OW.

My main question at the moment is whether I should speak to OW's husband. I have never spoken to this man. I think he may well know that she and H were seeing each other years ago, and he would have known that H was married. Now they have children together, I am not sure about throwing a grenade. I know from his SM postings that his first wife (with whom he has children) left him for someone else and he posted that he went into a depression when this happened.

I have been through hell trying to get to the truth of this. All I wanted was for someone to tell me the truth. AFAIK OW's husband does not know that she was seeing H while seeing him at the same time. Is he entitled to the truth or should I keep quiet?

OP posts:

jackiebenimble · 07/12/2021 07:53

If its to punish her no. If its because you believe it is the right thing for him maybe.

I received a message from my husbands OW. And i chose to ignore it. For me it was absolutely the right thing to do at the time. I did not see it as any kind if sisterhood when she sent it at 4am so presumably drunk after a night out to myself a very vulnerable woman with a newborn baby. She could have waited a few months if she had genuinely cared about me. But it wasn't about me. I read it-i asked him about it-he explained (poorly). I didn't really believe him. But if I picked the scab i wasn't in a position to act upon it. So i chose to be loyal to my husband and accept his explanation not the word of a stranger.

That wasn't the first time id suspected and nor was it the last. I am not daft and i left him when the time was right for me. Im just saying send a brief note once-and do not follow up. Accept being ignored.

maxbaby · 07/12/2021 07:54

@Monalotmoore

I'd asks what your motive would be first. Is it hurting him to get back at her. Yes he should know but should it come from you? What about telling her you know the truth?

Exactly this. I personally wouldn't tell him. I understand you're hurting and maybe her life should fall apart the same way that yours has but I still personally wouldn't tell him

FindingMeno · 07/12/2021 07:57

The only time I told it was disastrous.
I wouldn't do it again tbh.

Aphrodite31 · 07/12/2021 08:12

Yes you are holding a grenade.

But why would you want to chuck it?
Because it would mess up OW's control nice and proper.

I think it's too hard to say whether you want to tell him for his own sake, or because you want to blow apart the cosy world of having their cakes and eating it that the OW and your XDH have perpetuated for so long.

It's totally natural to want to expose her. But. Who will be hurt? Her DH and kids.

I think you're too angry and hurt yourself to do something like this right now.

I'd leave them to it.

Nearlyadoctor · 07/12/2021 08:33

I would, I found out on Friday DH has been having an affair for what i now know is 7 years. I found out via an email in his sent box ( was on his iPad checking a complaint email for a Christmas order placed via his email so he knew I was using it, I responded and went on to check it had sent so consequently found his email to her)
I immediately forwarded the email to her DH, before they could deny or concoct some stupid story.

Didimum · 07/12/2021 08:33

This is often a point of great disagreement. There is no right or wrong answer and it’s impossible to know how the other betrayed spouse will react.

In this instance, I would tell him. I would tell him because it sounds as if she’s been unfaithful to him throughout the entire course of their marriage, not just a ONS or emotional affair. What she has been doing is another level of deceit and I think there may be a real risk of longer term pain for him if he is not able to make decisions based on truth in his own life. It is concerning that he has been through depression with this scenario in the past, hopefully he has built some resilience and, more importantly, higher standards for himself to not be treated this way.

Nearlyadoctor · 07/12/2021 08:35

FWIW - we have children , they don’t. They’re quite a lot older than us.

ToughTittyWhompus · 07/12/2021 08:35

Tell him.

Those children could just as easily be your Hs, not his.

He’s also at risk for STDS.

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 08:54

I have two friends who have been in this situation

Told
Didn’t

The former is still swamped in drama and animosity. Terrible situation for the children involved. It’s horrible and negative and never ending

She’s moved on. Infinitely happier than 1

Crazykatie · 07/12/2021 08:55

The end result of telling the OWs husband, is likely to be your husband and OW getting together, your choice if you want to do this. Alternatively your husband being furious you interfered and all 4 go separate ways, certainly be prepared for this to happen.

Personally I’d keep my own high moral ground, chuck him out and leave it at that.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 08:57

@Crazykatie

Personally I’d keep my own high moral ground, chuck him out and leave it at that.

I think if my husband cheated on me for 10 years I'd want him to end up with the other woman. At least then he cheated for a reason.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 07/12/2021 08:57

I would tell him

Happy1982ish · 07/12/2021 09:01

Aside from fact I don’t think woohi bring any benefit to you

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors

What happens if this man has a terrible temper and ends up causing her extreme physical harm in his anger?

ancientgran · 07/12/2021 09:11

I'd be careful. If he is prone to depression this could push him over the edge and end up in something tragic.

givemepiece · 07/12/2021 09:13

I told the OW husband. I don't regret it at all.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/12/2021 10:02

'What happens if this man has a terrible temper and ends up causing her extreme physical harm in his anger?'

Yeah; quite a lot of OW seem to have violent and unpredictable partners, I've found; the behaviour of whom being the very thing which drives them into the arms of the White Knights they've lined up to deliver them from the abuse, apparently 🙄 Shame their robust risk assessment never seems to encompass - 'Don't cheat on your partner with someone's else's'

The OW in my case was very quick to beg my stupid fucking fanny-struck boyfriend, to make sure that I didn't tell her 'volatile' partner 🙄 Considering my bf was the second person at their workplace she's slept with (actually becoming pregnant with the first, married AP) I was sadly unable to be convinced she was that frightened of him. And still less so when I read the text messages from her partner she'd forward to my bf, which she clearly thought showed his abusive behaviour, but which actually showed a mildly irritated man struggled to cope with the flakey and neurotic behaviour which was clearly catnip to other men.

I didn't tell, in the end - I knew their kid and he was a very nice child. But I still sometimes wish I had and I made good and sure to tell her in my very long masterpiece of a text, that I for one wasn't buying her 'beautiful but damaged' shtick.

Skeumorph · 07/12/2021 10:53

Yes, tell him. He has a right to know.

But don't give her/them a chance to tell him first. All that is is a chance to delete all the incriminating messages etc., so that she has time to cover her tracks and deny deny.

Give him a heads up.

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/12/2021 12:27

I’d want to know. Wish someone had told me when my exF cheated on me.

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 14:49

@Nearlyadoctor

I would, I found out on Friday DH has been having an affair for what i now know is 7 years. I found out via an email in his sent box ( was on his iPad checking a complaint email for a Christmas order placed via his email so he knew I was using it, I responded and went on to check it had sent so consequently found his email to her) I immediately forwarded the email to her DH, before they could deny or concoct some stupid story.

So sorry for you. 7 years is a long time.

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 14:50

If the effect of telling him would be to send him into a depression again, I wouldn't tell him.

Hen2018 · 07/12/2021 15:03

Yes. Every man I’ve had a relationship with has been unfaithful and I wish I had known sooner every time.

user1471538283 · 07/12/2021 15:24

I would tell him.

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/12/2021 15:28

No. I really wouldn't say anything. Concentrate on healing and caring for yourself. One way or another he will find out eventually. You have enough to cope with without this mess too.

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