Childcare and evening work

[Iamuser1976]

Originally posted in AIBU but just thought might be better here. Looking for some more objective views on my situation as currently can't see the wood for the trees!

DH works full time mostly from home in well paid job. Finishes about 5.30/6 so not long hours but he finds it stressful and not good at saying no to people. Our dd is nearly 2. I've been working 2 evenings a week for the last few months- job is low paid but it's part of a career change for me so the 1st step on a ladder and I was delighted to get. DH now says out of the blue that he can't cope with childcare for 2 evenings a week (sometimes it's just 1 as I work over weekend too) and that I need to leave. He says he cant get urgent work done if looking after dd from 5 and I need to do it.

I am furious and don't know how to move on from this. I don't want to be a sahm. He likes the extra income and wants me to work too but not this job. I however feel that whatever I do he won't be satisfied - can see myself leaving to do a daytime job and still being expected to be in charge of all the childcare and make all the sacrifices simply because my job is low paid and I am a woman. I love my dd and want to spend time with her but I also want to be treated fairly and to progress in a career - I don't think 2 evenings a week where I do the bulk of the childcare is unreasonable in the slightest??

Sorry if doesn't make sense. Feel so upset and stressed by this my head is all over the place and no idea what to do for best.

FFS. Why does he get to dictate? He doesn't even have a commute the lazy **.
If he wants to work longer he can wake up earlier!
Please don't leave your job. This is a tale as old as time on MN. Waste of space man wants nanny and housekeeper so he does not have to spend one minute of energy on domestic or family life.
I would tell him that you have thought about what he said, and it made you realise how little he actually does do.
Relationships are partnerships and the best compromise is 50/50 parenting. So instead of just two nights , it's going to be every other night from now on.

Could a grandparent help one of the evenings a week? When me and ex were together i worked evenings and my mum would have lo for a few hours then drop him home ready for bed time in his pjs so ex could go home and have a bath and some time to himself

I doubt very much that he ‘can’t cope’ or that it really has anything to do with his job. I would guess that he simply doesn’t want to because he doesn’t like doing childcare. I would tell him it’s not an option for you to leave your job and that you both need to work together to come to some other compromise.

@Mummmaa thanks- they already do a lot for us though. I also study so they look after dd 2 days a week plus on weekend if I'm working and dh wants to go out. I also feel strongly that I shouldn't be asking them to do more when as @notbluepeter says it is compensating for dh not pulling his weight. He is just unable to see it from my perspective though. Am I being unfair on him? He does pay all the bills and work full time so it's so hard to know

Er, so you can't get ANY work done because of his unplannable "urgent" work? He needs to organise emergency childcare when it crops up. Why does his work trump yours, but you can't work during the day and he go part time?

Honestly. You both had a child, not just you. Neither job is more important. Sometimes, one just has to choose child over work, and sometimes he will have to make that choice. Or manage his workload better. Or catch up when child is asleep. There are soooo many solutions that don't involve you giving up work.

I mean I get its much more convenient for him if you never worked he never has to think about childcare or make that personal choice to prioritise his own child. It is much easier for him personally to have his cake and eat it. But this is just resistance to change from a position of total cushiness for him. For the family, long term, it is much better if he makes this sacrifice.

Tell him to get a bloody grip!! I Literally would have no time for that bullshit!! You share a child...you share childcare!! END OF!!

Honestly, I would leave your husband before I leave your job. What a horrible horrible attitude.

This is his child. He doesn’t get to opt out because parenting a toddler is full on, any more than you get to opt out for the rest of the time.

He needs to learn to do what the vast majority of working parents of young kids do - juggle. You log off for a few hours, play with your child, do dinner and bath and bed and cuddle them and read to them and be an actual parent in their lives, and then you sigh and log back on and do the rest of the work that’s sitting their waiting.

Anything else is self-indulgent bollocks.

[quote Iamuser1976]**@Mummmaa* thanks- they already do a lot for us though. I also study so they look after dd 2 days a week plus on weekend if I'm working and dh wants to go out. I also feel strongly that I shouldn't be asking them to do more when as @notbluepeter* says it is compensating for dh not pulling his weight. He is just unable to see it from my perspective though. Am I being unfair on him? He does pay all the bills and work full time so it's so hard to know[/quote]
Jesus wept, it gets worse. When you’re working weekends he also gets the grandparents in to do childcare when he wants to go out, rather than do what most of us do and organise our social lives around our caring responsibilities?

Thanks so much for all the helpful comments. Part of me has been wondering for a while if rhe whole situation is just completely off. Yes the grandparents at weekend thing upsets me - he gets his social life and hobbies while I have no time for hobbies and all social life is with dd. He says because I've chosen to have career change I should make sacrifices though as well as him. It does feel like everything is on his terms but whenever I raise it somehow I am the unreasonable one when he 'does so much'

So he works during the day, can't look after his own DD what, a couple of hours in the evening because he might have work, and grandparents are taking care of DD as he goes out on weekends?
What kind of urgent work are we talking about, can't he do it when DD is in bed, like other working parents?

I mean, you’ve set out your sacrifices here. You’ve given up hobbies and social life that don’t involve your daughter, to make room for work and study.

He’s bitching about six hours a week, tops, in which he is expected to do the parenting of his own child.

He works full time. During that time, you are either parenting full time or studying full time. You are doing the childcare that enables the work or you are studying for a career change that will improve your family’s position (and you’ve organised childcare to cover it.)

You work part time. So during that time, he needs to cover the childcare in the same way as you do during his core hours.

The hours when neither of you is working or studying need to be split evenly in terms of the parenting and domestic duties.

Honestly I am so angry on your behalf.

Surely your DD is in bed by 7.30 or so? Why can't he do his oh so important work then like most people with kids have to do?

@KatharinaRosalie it's basically when his boss asks him to do something- like go on a call or prepare some documents (don't want to be too specific), but the difficulty is saying no when his boss asks him - I get it as I previously worked in similar environment where very hard to say no and set out boundaries but there must be a solution.

He literally needs to say (eeven on his out of office) "on Tuesday and Wednesdays I finish at 4.30pm" and be firm.

However it doesnt sound like he actually wants to parent his child.

My own dh wouldn't dream of regularly doing a weekend hobby while I work necessitating a grandparent doing childcare.

Hes being unreasonable its what you have to do when there little , be a team.
My dh used to have mine 5 days a week and he used to leave at 6.30 home at 5:30 and have both kids who were 5 & 3 , mine was term time only so he did have weekends off.
He managed , yes it was tough but it was a short term fix for us both financially and for me to get back into work

Have them 5 evenings I mean

Well he clearly is ok with saying no! Just to you!

I guess it depends on the industry to an extent. If its something healthcare related where you're letting patients down, or law or finance where there are big deals and you are expected to drop everything and work until the deal is closed then it can be awkward to say 'I've got to finish at 5' if you're the only one doing it, and everyone else is working all through the night etc.

However from what you've said, I suspect that he works in an office where mega long hours arent the culture, he is contracted to finish at 5, flexible working is a thing, and it would be accepted if he said 'on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to look after my daughter from 5pm so if there is anything urgent for those days please try and let me know in advance' and in any case it is likely to be something that can be finished in a couple of hours so if thats the case he can finish up for the evening after his child is in bed, like the rest of the world has to.

You can't stall your career just incase your husband has an urgent report that he may be asked to complete outside his contracted hours that he wont find another way of managing!

I'd stop organising childcare with your parents to facilitate his nights out as well, he can arrange something if he wants some time off on his watch

He has 5-6 nights free a week. What time do you have free of childcare when you're not working?

What are his hours? If he finishes at 6 he can’t look after a 2 year old child from 5-6. From the sound of it you don’t work a static 2 days? It does sound difficult to work around. Could you go on set day time shifts and book into child care? One of you drop off and one collect?

He sounds so SOOOO selfish!

Does he ever think about you and how you feel, or does everything have to suit him at your expense?

In your shoes l would go back full time, advise him he’s doing 50/50 of drop off / pick ups from childcare and 50% of the cost. Especially 50/50 when they’re are sick. He’s lazy and entitled. He clearly like to say to yes everyone but not to you

You both need clear boundaries.

You need to say to him you working is non negotiable. This works and he needs to childcare. And get a better balance for you having time to yourself

He needs boundaries at work - he needs to mark in clearly when he is childcare

Though he does sound awful

A whole two evenings a week? Good grief. That's pathetic

Remind him that if you leave him he’ll be responsible for 50% of the childcare, not just 4 hours a week. He needs to get a grip.