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Original poster

Childcare and evening work

60 replies

Iamuser1976 · 06/12/2021 20:11

Originally posted in AIBU but just thought might be better here. Looking for some more objective views on my situation as currently can't see the wood for the trees!

DH works full time mostly from home in well paid job. Finishes about 5.30/6 so not long hours but he finds it stressful and not good at saying no to people. Our dd is nearly 2. I've been working 2 evenings a week for the last few months- job is low paid but it's part of a career change for me so the 1st step on a ladder and I was delighted to get. DH now says out of the blue that he can't cope with childcare for 2 evenings a week (sometimes it's just 1 as I work over weekend too) and that I need to leave. He says he cant get urgent work done if looking after dd from 5 and I need to do it.

I am furious and don't know how to move on from this. I don't want to be a sahm. He likes the extra income and wants me to work too but not this job. I however feel that whatever I do he won't be satisfied - can see myself leaving to do a daytime job and still being expected to be in charge of all the childcare and make all the sacrifices simply because my job is low paid and I am a woman. I love my dd and want to spend time with her but I also want to be treated fairly and to progress in a career - I don't think 2 evenings a week where I do the bulk of the childcare is unreasonable in the slightest??

Sorry if doesn't make sense. Feel so upset and stressed by this my head is all over the place and no idea what to do for best.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 06/12/2021 22:54

Don't leave. If you have to, book a babysitter.

Your DH can explain to the babysitter why they're needed when he's in the house and his work day has finished.

He can pay the babysitter too.

Goldbar · 06/12/2021 22:59

In fact, scratch what I said above.

Tell your DH that he'll need to book and pay for a babysitter since you're unavailable to do childcare at that time.

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 06/12/2021 23:07

Oh what a shame for him to have to look after his own child on his own. When do you get any time alone or peace? Do not leave the job, he needs to get on with it like a lot of men, my DH included. My DH looked after our baby and toddler when I worked nearly 13 hour shifts twice a week.

Original poster

Iamuser1976 · 07/12/2021 00:48

Thank you so much for all the replies! It has really echoed what I thought deep down to be honest. I do kind of feel like a single parent a lot of the time. In a way I don't mind as I adore my dd - she is my world and I am happy to do the bulk of the childcare. However, to be harassed when I am at work with messages telling me I am no longer allowed to do the job and that the toddler is being left to cry as he cant deal with it is really going too far. I know I need to talk to him but I feel like there is so much to deal with I don't even know where to start

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamuser1976 · 07/12/2021 00:52

@BungleandGeorge you are right that my days vary slightly as do his finish times - but only between a couple of days not a whole week so there would be an ability to set a boundary with work.

OP posts:

Momijin · 07/12/2021 04:08

So he doesnt want to be a parent.

I wouldn't give up my work and I would consider whether I wanted to stay with him.

Sparklfairy · 07/12/2021 04:17

He is just unable to see it from my perspective though.

I think you mean unwilling. Hes perfectly able to see your perspective. He just doesn't want to.

Blossom64265 · 07/12/2021 04:19

You both need child care in order to work. If your shifts overlapped completely you would hire someone to provide that care. If he can’t end work early enough for you to get to your job, then the solution is to hire someone to watch your child, not for you to quit.

Starseeking · 07/12/2021 04:29

Honestly, if he's working mainly from home in an office type job, I find it difficult to believe his boss would object if he said "do you mind if I stop work at 5pm on the dot in Tuesdays and Wednesdays so I can look after my DD. I'll make up the time either before work or on another day".

The reality is that he doesn't want to. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and having to look after his own DC 2 nights a week is preventing that. If I were you, I would NOT give up the job at all. He needs to find a way to facilitate you working 2 evenings a week. Down the line, you'll be glad you kept working.

RedRobin100 · 07/12/2021 04:29

He’s being lazy and selfish with regards to parenting duties and using his job as an excuse.

I work in a demanding job - you work around it to make it work - hes selfishly pretending he can’t do that. Don’t cave.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 07/12/2021 05:15

@Iamuser1976

You’re no longer allowed to do your job?!

Honestly I’d just tell him to fuck off then stop taking his calls.

And keep going to work. In fact, given the type of wanker you’re married to I’d be back to work full time ASAP, and building your earning potential back up so that you’re independent.

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2021 06:47

He messages you at work saying that his child is crying and he can’t deal with it and you aren’t allowed to work

Toddlers are hard but he is a parent OP his problem is he simply doesn’t want to

Buildingthefuture · 07/12/2021 07:14

He’s giving you the sad dobby face because he’s having to “look after” his OWN DC two nights a week? Nope. Tell him your own career is just as important as his and you will be continuing with it. He’s a fully grown man, he will just have to cope - like you do, the rest of the time!

Notbluepeter · 07/12/2021 08:10

[quote Iamuser1976]**@Mummmaa* thanks- they already do a lot for us though. I also study so they look after dd 2 days a week plus on weekend if I'm working and dh wants to go out. I also feel strongly that I shouldn't be asking them to do more when as @notbluepeter* says it is compensating for dh not pulling his weight. He is just unable to see it from my perspective though. Am I being unfair on him? He does pay all the bills and work full time so it's so hard to know[/quote]
I do hear what you're saying, if he is the main bread winner, then in a twisted way it seems like you owe him something.
I found this article really interesting. We are biologically predisposed to run ourselves ragged it seems!
time.com/5589770/parenting-working-women-domestic-balance/
What does he do with his vacation days? Is he going to share the burden during the school holidays?

SleepWhenAmDead · 07/12/2021 08:14

It sounds like your DH needs to arrange a babysitter for the times when he is looking after DC but needs to work. You are obviously unavailable as you are working. This is what all working parents do.

SpinsForGin · 07/12/2021 08:21

Goodness. He is pathetic and selfish.

You aren't allowed to do your job?? What??

As for leaving his own daughter to cry because he can't cope - I call bullshit on that one. It's just a ploy to make you feel bad and quit your job.

Foolsrule · 07/12/2021 08:29

I’m sure you could work full time and pay all the bills if he was a SAHD. Tell him 50/50 custody will mean far more than two evenings 🤦🏻‍♀️

Didimum · 07/12/2021 08:43

“ However, to be harassed when I am at work with messages telling me I am no longer allowed to do the job and that the toddler is being left to cry as he cant deal with it is really going too far.”

Wow. This is solid emotional blackmail. I would be fuming. Stand your ground, OP, and keep your standards high. He is bullying you.

Tell him to arrange a babysitter and leave it at that. Don’t cave, as he is fully expecting you to as it sounds like he’s had everything in his favour up til now and he thinks he can manipulate you. You deserve a life and career of your own. You deserve respect and equality. Seriously, F this guy.

FudgeOff · 07/12/2021 08:49

I am about done with men who think having children is not going to change anything in their lives. That they will carry on working and playing in the same way as they did previously. And in doing so, it's not going to cost them anything by way of childcare etc. because that should be provided, for free, by others.

He's right: he cannot get urgent work done when looking after a small child. That's the 'price' of having a small child. To expect to carry on working in the same way is fucking ridiculous. Where he's wrong is expecting you to come up with the solution for that by giving up your job. It's not your job to make it so that having a child doesn't impact his life at all.

As above: a divorce and 50/50 split is going to impact his work and precious social life a damn sight more. And as he's behaving in a way that makes that future more likely, you really do need to keep working and keep making sure you have a career/job in case you need it.

SleepWhenAmDead · 07/12/2021 08:55

It probably isn’t helpful, but when that happened to me, I phoned DH’s mother to ask her to go round to help as he was having trouble coping and I was at work but didn’t want dc left crying, DH upset etc. After that he must have managed to cope as I got no further messages. Depends on how your MiL would see things...

Christmas1988 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Honestly he sounds pathetic, he’s looking after his own daughter two nights a week when your at work, he’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing already. Do not change job, remind him if you weren’t together he’d have more than two evenings on his own to parent. Your husband makes me mad, I can’t imagine how you feel.

rookiemere · 07/12/2021 09:26

Most women who work end up having to walk out of important meetings and leave things undone in order to pick up their DCs from childcare and school. I certainly did, I wish I'd made DH have more involvement when DS was younger although he's pretty good now.

In his case he simply has to let his work know that on the two days he'll not be available from say 5-8 pm but can pick anything urgent up after that. Most folk these days - including fathers- have certain childcare responsibilities, many in my work do school drop off - it's the way the world operates.

Don't give up your job.

tarasmalatarocks · 07/12/2021 09:37

My 1st marriage in my 20s ended in divorce due to a very similar attitude. I was a nursing student at the time and it involved shifts and around twice a week he had to do childcare in an evening or at weekends, and it was interfering with his social life. It all blew up when I was rostered Xmas day one year. Put your foot down OP, if he wanted a family then he accepts it comes with responsibilities, not just the odd Disney dad appearance

Lana07 · 07/12/2021 09:39

I have sacrificed my further studying and my career development because becoming a Mum was also my number 1 life mission and priority. Only now 14 years later I am trying to catch up and start earning a decent income after extra studying after 16 years of low-paid retail job because of my immigration.

My husband was very helpful with our son but my career was just a family-friendly job, nothing else. This was a HUGE sacrifice for me. It wasn't what I expected for my career whatsoever.

Your husband needs to grow up and work as a team.

Lana07 · 07/12/2021 09:42

I'd say 80-90% of mums pay the motherhood penalty earning much less and having much fewer career opportunities than dads.

Dads' lives and careers hardly ever change. I understand there are dads who choose to sacrifice their careers too but they are the minority and historically are less inclined to do it.

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