Childcare and evening work

[Iamuser1976]

Originally posted in AIBU but just thought might be better here. Looking for some more objective views on my situation as currently can't see the wood for the trees!

DH works full time mostly from home in well paid job. Finishes about 5.30/6 so not long hours but he finds it stressful and not good at saying no to people. Our dd is nearly 2. I've been working 2 evenings a week for the last few months- job is low paid but it's part of a career change for me so the 1st step on a ladder and I was delighted to get. DH now says out of the blue that he can't cope with childcare for 2 evenings a week (sometimes it's just 1 as I work over weekend too) and that I need to leave. He says he cant get urgent work done if looking after dd from 5 and I need to do it.

I am furious and don't know how to move on from this. I don't want to be a sahm. He likes the extra income and wants me to work too but not this job. I however feel that whatever I do he won't be satisfied - can see myself leaving to do a daytime job and still being expected to be in charge of all the childcare and make all the sacrifices simply because my job is low paid and I am a woman. I love my dd and want to spend time with her but I also want to be treated fairly and to progress in a career - I don't think 2 evenings a week where I do the bulk of the childcare is unreasonable in the slightest??

Sorry if doesn't make sense. Feel so upset and stressed by this my head is all over the place and no idea what to do for best.

Refer him to sitters.co.uk and leave it at that.

Its his job to find a solution. He says no,.turns off his work phone, laptop etc on the dot. Finds a babysitter, takes parenting lessons etc etc.

When I first went back to work full time, dh occasionally tried the whole ‘I was working so hard I forgot to call you to let you know that you’d have to pick up the kids from daycare.’

After a couple of times I put an alarm on his phone at 5pm that said ‘Call ZZ about kids’.

He often had to stop working to go and pick them up, what with them being his kids, and his spouse also having a job, and that being how life works.

He’s managed to end up a company president - I guess his boss realised that there were more important things that him being available at 5.05pm a couple of nights a week to update a document or hop on a call.

He says because I've chosen to have career change I should make sacrifices though as well as him

He's not making any sacrifices though is he?? If he can't parent his own offspring he will have to pay for childcare.

Thanks so much for all the kind comments and advice. I really appreciate it and it is nice to have others understand where I am coming from, especially when my own dh can't.

I raised it with him and the general lack of help I get around the house plus the lack of respect towards my role in house and work. His response was as I expected defensive and belligerent. He believes he does loads for our dd, he cannot possibly make any changes to his work practices and it is basically all on me as I chose to study therefore its my problem. Not those words exactly but that is the gist.

I'm really unsure what to do now. He has accepted he was stressed and that what he said to me about leaving work was unacceptable. But I feel like nothing will ever change and he spoke to me so aggressively earlier and in front of our dd.

I'm honestly getting close to thinking I should leave him. I know people go through bad patches with young children but I feel this is revealing really quite unpleasant character traits I'm not sure I'm prepared to live with. I have no savings though and just don't know what I could do as a next step. Also don't want to rush into anything but not sure how much more I can deal with.

Thanks so much for all the kind comments and advice. I really appreciate it and it is nice to have others understand where I am coming from, especially when my own dh can't.

I raised it with him and the general lack of help I get around the house plus the lack of respect towards my role in house and work. His response was as I expected defensive and belligerent. He believes he does loads for our dd, he cannot possibly make any changes to his work practices and it is basically all on me as I chose to study therefore its my problem. Not those words exactly but that is the gist.

I'm really unsure what to do now. He has accepted he was stressed and that what he said to me about leaving work was unacceptable. But I feel like nothing will ever change and he spoke to me so aggressively earlier and in front of our dd.

I'm honestly getting close to thinking I should leave him. I know people go through bad patches with young children but I feel this is revealing really quite unpleasant character traits I'm not sure I'm prepared to live with. I have no savings though and just don't know what I could do as a next step. Also don't want to rush into anything but not sure how much more I can deal with.

Im sorry he hasn't been supportive of you and your job/ career. I think it sort of proves you shouldn't leave your job so you don't need to rely on him completely for money. Would your family be supportive?

He doesn't sound like a good guy to have on your team.

Keep the job, I suspect you're going to need it.

Mine wanted extra income too so I took up private tutoring at weekends- half a day every week. He was fine about it before it started clashing with his motorsports hobby and he declared one week that I needed to cancel all my clients that day (£85 worth). I refused and he sulked for about 2 weeks.

I don't like him anymore.

Speak to student welfare at your university /college and see what they can do - hardship funds etc. They will have heard it all before.