MIL really jealous and mine and my son relationship

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My MIL has always been overbearing and controlling but since having our son she has gotten worse. Me and my son are very close, he is 3 years and makes it clear more often than not that he wants me to hold his hand and walk with or he calls for me when she is spending time with him. He recently said she shouted at him, I don't know that she did but she interferes and controls his environment a bit much which he doesn't like..

I've been a stay at home mother to him for the past 3 years. She isn't very maternal and he senses this. He is really into my mum, his nana a lot and again she hates this..

She literally follows him around to a point where he says 'go away'

What do I do..? She wants more and more time and he gets stressed.. I've told my husband to speak with her and tell her to let him breathe a bit..

She comes over to stay for the night once every 2-3weeks.. too much!

She watches and checks over everything I do.. it's really annoying.. I try turn a blind eye to it..

Any suggestions for managing this?

Thanks x

Don’t have her come over as often
Your husband should manage the relationship with her; she’s his mother

Does she live very far away ? Because the only time I stay with my adult DC is if we're celebrating something.

No more overnight stays. I would furthermore shut down all levels of contact with her; its not doing either you or your son any favours being around her. If she is too toxic/difficult/controlling (and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour) for you to deal with, its the same deal for your son also. You would not tolerate this from a friend, your MIL is no different and your boundaries to date re her have seemingly been too low. Raise them urgently.

Your H is key here. Where is your H in all this; is he more afraid of "upsetting" her than he is of seeing you unhappy?. Is he mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his mother.

What was his response to your request?.

Has he spoken with her as yet?.

My husband makes himself busy when his mum is here and doesn't witness much of what I do.. he is very protective of her and it's quite unhealthy.. she lost her husband 7 years ago and is seeking attention xx

First of all tell husband when HIS mum stays it's up to him to entertain her.

Leave them to it for an afternoon say you need to get some Christmas shopping, get a magazine and coffee whilst you are out.

She's very clever at saying and doing things when DH isn't around..

She asked to help bath him but stood there watching done nothing then soon as I walked out to grab a fresh towel and asked her to watch him she checked the bath temperature with a thermometer we have on the side and quickly put it back when I came in...? I pretended I didn't see..

It really bothered me, sounds silly but she's hovering checking things..
DH is a wet tissue when it comes to her..

She lives an hour away and stays over for a night every few weeks she doesn't drive so gets the train. It used to be 2 nights but I put a stop to it.

DH basically wants his mum and my mum doing the same.. my mum tends to stay once every few weeks too..

They are also jealous how close my mum and son are too..

What should I say? Anything I have brought my husband in the past falls on dead ears. He says I'm always complaining about his mum. Which I'm not, he just can't deal with or confront her..

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Sounds like DH can’t or won’t see the ‘unhealthy’ in his mum. She obviously has issues but he’s been brought up by her so he views her behaviour as normal. Plus it’s hard to acknowledge your parent is sub-par, it really is… I know from first hand experience!

I think the only option you have is to bite your tongue and ignore her behaviour. Her behaviour won’t change the way you parent your son, but it will (if you let it) drive a wedge between his parents.

There is honestly nothing you can ‘do’. Speaking to her will backfire. Speaking to your DH will cause more stress between the 2 of you (until the scales fall from his eyes). As Michelle Obama said, when they take the low road, you take the high road!

I call bullshit. It’s your house and your son. You need to be very busy with activities (music classes, play groups, etc….) Things she can’t go to (Covid) and get out of the house. -*Actually not a bad idea after lockdown anyway. Start letting her know that her visits are inconvenient. Let DH know that you won’t be entertaining his Mummy. He wants her, he deals with her. (He obviously doesn’t like her much… he just likes the idea of her.)

Start by telling him that he stops hiding away when she visits.

Tell him that your mum has a better relationship because she listens and accepts your DS has his own opinions.

Tell him that if he wants his mother to have a better relationship with DS then he gets to do all the interactions between them. You are obviously doing it wrong, he knows his mum best, as you know yours, so he is the ideal parent to help grow a better relationship between them.

And bloody well mean it. He can't be half arsed, invisible parent and then moan because his mummy doesn't get what she wants from you.

He is useless.
You need to manage it bit you need to be cute and keep it breezy.

• Cut down the visits firstly by being the organiser if you aren't already. By moving them out "because that day is less convenient how about X instead so?" You can eventually extend them from 2-3 weeks to 3-4 weeks and then around monthly.
• make plans with friends for 10/11 the next day so it's breakfast for mil and then oh no you must dash out and she needs to get off home byeeeeee.
• Give her jobs around the house "oh I'd love if you could pop in the kettle while I change him/dry him off/ whatever" "oh you are soooo helpful"
• don't plan nice stuff, so take her on the weekly shop to asda, to the post office whatever your are doing and save your admin up for when she visits etc. Always be like "argh! Whoops I thought that was next Tuesday!"
• practice neutral breezy ways to discuss situations "Oh gosh! DS doesnt like that does he? He always screams his head off it'll he feel his space is being invaded. But what can you do? E is only small. Shall we leave him to play and go read a magazine and have a coffee?"

shouting at your son is not okay.
Following him around and ignoring his requests to be left alone, not okay. being made to hug people, not okay.
But you need to find effective ways to deal with it that diffuse situations.

Ultimately if you don't engage she can twist it. If you do seemingly engage but make it so grey rock and joyless she will give up.

Also school should be be changed chance to change up "the routine"

What HoardingSamphireSaurus wrote here. There are things you can do here and I would also advise you to read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

Keep his mother well away from your family.

Do not ever accept bad behaviour from either your MIL or your wet lettuce of a H. His own inertia when it comes to his mother as well as his FOG hurts him as much as you but he may never change.

I would leave every time she comes over and leave your DH to deal with her. As a SAHM to a three year old, I am sure you would love a break!

Have you ever tried going out with your friends and leaving DH and DMil to get on with it and look after DS? Once they have full responsibility for a few hours they may become normal.

I know but I don't fully trust her with my son! So going off sounds good but DH disappears and leaves them to it (he usually naps)

Love the easy breezy advice above- I need to practice this as I'm useless at it! I'm more black and white but that doesn't work well..

Yes cutting down the visits is essential for me! We did before and she brought it up to DH saying she wasn't seeing him enough.. and he's 'too tired to drive to her house'

I'll make sure he goes there from now on..! Can't have her around me! She drives me nuts

I will definitely be going out and about next time she's here!! Escape plan

I’m not sure I see what she’s doing that’s so awful, sounds like you just don’t like her very much and I wonder if that’s rubbing off on your son. I find it really sad that he tells his grandmother to go away, that’s very disrespectful.

DH disappears and leaves them to it (he usually naps)
WTAF has DH ever managed to look after DS on his own?
He sounds like he needs a stick of dynamite up his arse.

"I will definitely be going out and about next time she's here"

And your child should come along with you. Keep your child well away from his mother as well.

You haven’t actually mentioned anything she’s done that’s actually awful, except that you don’t like her. She visits the same amount as your own mother, wants to spend time with your son and…checks the bath temperature?

“Isn’t very maternal” is your own subjective judgment, clearly her son likes her well enough.

You could make an argument for your husband being a more active host and father, but that’s a husband problem, not a MIL one.

Constant undermining, wanting me out the way, never invites me to her house (only my DS and DH) has made certain comments/lack of about my own family. Narcissistic behaviours and considers herself all knowledgeable when it comes to childcare - she never raised her own son, his grandparents did...

Also claims that her culture is better at child rearing than in the uk.. we don't dress our kids warmly enough apparently:/ also tells me he doesn't have an allergy to dairy when he clearly does as come out in hives/rash!!

If your DH wants her over then he entertains her - use the time to visit a friend, join a gym, go to a club. He'll soon get fed up of hosting her.

What’s the point of your husband?

@NowEvenBetter not sure what you mean here? You mean what is he doing about his mothers behaviour?