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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL really jealous and mine and my son relationship

54 replies

mailpal · 06/12/2021 11:38

My MIL has always been overbearing and controlling but since having our son she has gotten worse. Me and my son are very close, he is 3 years and makes it clear more often than not that he wants me to hold his hand and walk with or he calls for me when she is spending time with him. He recently said she shouted at him, I don't know that she did but she interferes and controls his environment a bit much which he doesn't like..

I've been a stay at home mother to him for the past 3 years. She isn't very maternal and he senses this. He is really into my mum, his nana a lot and again she hates this..

She literally follows him around to a point where he says 'go away'

What do I do..? She wants more and more time and he gets stressed.. I've told my husband to speak with her and tell her to let him breathe a bit..

She comes over to stay for the night once every 2-3weeks.. too much!

She watches and checks over everything I do.. it's really annoying.. I try turn a blind eye to it..

Any suggestions for managing this?

Thanks x

OP posts:

Original poster

mailpal · 06/12/2021 19:59

@SarahBellam yes exactly make myself scarce

OP posts:

NowEvenBetter · 06/12/2021 23:21

He doesn’t stand up for you or his child, doesn’t sound like he does equal amounts of parenting, indulges himself in napping and leaving you to deal with his shitty mother. You find this acceptable?

NowEvenBetter · 07/12/2021 00:52

(Not asking for myself, just for you, and your child to be around and think this is what a marriage is)

DeeCeeCherry · 07/12/2021 04:02

Woman up and tell her.

Your son is upset - Youre his mum and in the first instance should be fixing that on his behalf.

Get your husband on board too he's not walking around in a fog of unawareness is he? Or just go out leave them to it.

You wouldn't even know this woman if you weren't married to her son, why are you giving her so much control over your life? Shes not your mum. & even if she was..

SaskiaRembrandt · 07/12/2021 04:59

I agree with PP, you seem to really dislike her for very little reason. Don't forget, you'll very likely be a MIL one day, so maybe start modelling the kind of relationship you'd like to have with your son's SO.

ClaudiaJ1 · 07/12/2021 06:18

Staying over every 2 or 3 weeks is simply not normal. Once every 6 months would be too much for me. She comes over that much because you ALLOW it. Put a stop to it right now. And sit your DH down and tell him things have to change or he might lose you. Put the fear into him. He needs to be more afraid of you, his own wife and mother of his child, than he is of his mum.

He allows her to make you miserable because you allow it. If I were you I'd say once every 6 months and he has to be present and not working, and he has to back you up on things, or else "our marriage is at stake", and you will not have it any longer. Stop the pair of them disrespecting you. You are the wife and mother. You hold the cards, not them. Just say it's not happening end of story, and if she comes over you'll go out with your son somewhere while she's there. Stop allowing this to happen, put the fear of god into DH.

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 07/12/2021 06:52

@mailpal

Also claims that her culture is better at child rearing than in the uk.. we don't dress our kids warmly enough apparently:/ also tells me he doesn't have an allergy to dairy when he clearly does as come out in hives/rash!!

Ok this is unacceptable. Your son has a shared cultural heritage so these undermining comments are damaging to both you and your son. This is something you have to shut down as soon as you hear it (and get your wet blanket DH to do the same).

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 07/12/2021 06:54

Actually, I wonder if culture is a factor here, combined with her loneliness (I think you mention earlier that her DH/partner passed away). Do you think her loneliness is manifesting into this overbearing behaviour?

Letmesleepitoff · 07/12/2021 07:07

Do we have the same MIL? Impossible but I can relate to everything you’ve written. I wonder if DH makes himself scarce on her visits because that’s how he copes with her overbearing and intense nature? I know my DH did that - long trips to the toilet, work to catch up on, off to bed at 9pm etc. He doesn’t do it anymore because I’ve pulled him up on it, and since that he’s much happier to space contact with his mum out. He was essentially using me as a buffer and I got all the intensity from his mum.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2021 07:27

I would agree that the OP is being used here by him as a buffer to his mother, a woman who he does not really like either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2021 07:30

No, culture is not at all a factor here when it comes to her behaviour. She’s likely always been overbearing and since her H died her overbearing nature has further worsened because he is no longer around. It’s not their fault that she is like this and they did not make her that way.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 07/12/2021 07:49

Your h is useless and needs to step up. Time for a come to Jesus talk: she's his mother and he needs to manage her, be responsible for her when she's there, look after her, cook for her. Why should you do it?

icelollycraving · 07/12/2021 08:04

It’s clear you don’t like her and I imagine your son is reading that too.
You say that she didn’t raise her son and the grandparents did. Is she perhaps trying to have the role your dh’s grandparents did?
If you see her doing something like checking the temperature of the bath, say oh the water is fine but how kind of you to check.
Imagine being so lonely you’d rather go to spend time with a dil who clearly dislikes you than spend time alone.
Your dh sounds bloody useless.

Cornishclio · 07/12/2021 09:04

I would make your DH be around during her visits but I have to say I feel a bit sorry for her too. I imagine some of the problems are because she is having difficulty forging a relationship with your son. He is the same age as my DGD but we live locally and look after her one day a week as we did with her sister who now is at school while my DD and her DH work. The PIL have equal access too so there is no jealousy between GPS. I do know from talking to other grandparents that it is difficult if the children don't know them and are maybe a bit clingy to mum or dad during their visits so this may be why she is so difficult with you. Her behaviour may then be hyper critical. Can you not manage to maybe leave her to read your son a story or play with him while you pop to the shops or have a shower so she can get some one on one time with him as if you are around he will obviously gravitate to you especially if you are a SAHM. Does he go to nursery?

junebirthdaygirl · 07/12/2021 09:16

Can you not plan an activity for her to do with your ds that both will be comfortable with eg painting or water play at the sink where she stands by him. I know she is annoying but you can rise above it for a few hours as she is your ds's grandma. I just do not get people encouraging you to be mean to her. As already said your ds will marry some day and what will you expect then. Perhaps it will be someone from a different culture and someone that you will annoy. Be kind and you can't go wrong. I get that your dh should step up but you are responsible for your own attitude to this woman so try and make it comfortable for her.

Original poster

mailpal · 07/12/2021 09:55

I totally here people on the being kind thing, which to be honest I have tried... it was her birthday and I handed her some luxury chocolates that I bought, she said a very quick thank you then proceeded to ask me to go and get my son a change of top.. also as she was leaving said by and left my chocolates behind on the side - I picked them up and said 'don't forget these!' And she laughed and said 'oh yes'

Ultimately I think it comes down to trust, I don't fully trust her.. I don't think she is as nice as she often pretends to be when my DH is around, she runs rings around him... she doesn't like me much and her attitude toward me changed once we married..

My husband has done well financially and I think she sees me as a threat..

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2021 10:24

If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

No one should put up with such ill treatment from a relative and no one actually should. You would not tolerate this from a friend.

If she cannot and will not behave decently then she should not be seeing any of you. If she is too difficult/overbearing/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. You cannot afford to be used as some sort of buffer here for your H either when it comes to his mother.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2021 20:56

When your husband's mum comes over, someone he knows you have a bit of a tricky relationship with and who is struggling to bond with your son, he goes for a nap and 'stays out of the way' instead of facilitating her relationship with his son and taking some of the burden of responsibility away from you?

Ugh he sounds a bit pathetic tbh. At best.

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 21:13

Your husband sounds like a complete waster.

You need to be less accommodating of both him and his mother.

He wasn't reared by her so her views on children on of no interest to you.

I would be guided by your child who doesn't particularly warm to her.

Perhaps go an visit your mother and leave your husband to bond with his mother.

His napping is not acceptable and he needs telling firmly.

thisplaceisweird · 07/12/2021 21:19

Every single MIL thread has a pathetic useless husband. Every single one.

Coronawireless · 07/12/2021 21:28

@boobiegrabber

You haven’t actually mentioned anything she’s done that’s actually awful, except that you don’t like her. She visits the same amount as your own mother, wants to spend time with your son and…checks the bath temperature?

“Isn’t very maternal” is your own subjective judgment, clearly her son likes her well enough.

You could make an argument for your husband being a more active host and father, but that’s a husband problem, not a MIL one.

Yes I agree. I feel sorry for the MIL who probably just wants to be close to her grandson but is inadvertently causing annoyance. Your DH should give you a break and take your DS more often and be familiar with how to care for him. Including spending time with MIL, just the three of them - which will allow your MIL and your DS to be more relaxed and happy in each other’s company. Sometimes the mum (you) needs to step away to allow this relationship to develop and progress. But again, your DH needs to roll his sleeves up so that you can know that DS will be well cared-for when you’re not around.

WhenSepEnds · 07/12/2021 21:31

@mailpal

I've been a stay at home mother to him for the past 3 years. She isn't very maternal and he senses this. He is really into my mum, his nana a lot and again she hates this..

She literally follows him around to a point where he says 'go away'

What do I do..? She wants more and more time and he gets stressed.. I've told my husband to speak with her and tell her to let him breathe a bit..

She comes over to stay for the night once every 2-3weeks.. too much!

She watches and checks over everything I do.. it's really annoying.. I try turn a blind eye to it..

Any suggestions for managing this?

Thanks x

First up- overnight stays need to be stopped. There's really no need for this. Tell your husband you want your house to yourself in the evening. It's not fair he gets to be the hood guy by allowing her all this this time in your home when you're the one entertaining her.

If he goes to bed or naps- wake him up!! It's rude to have people over and do that, even if it's his mum. You may B also give this encourages him to take her gone earlier as he will be tired and will have to keep her entertained- that would be a bonus!

BasiliskStare · 07/12/2021 21:49

My MIL very much wanted to be involved in DS1s upbringing. In some ways that was fabulous - in some ways she needed to let us get on with it and ask advice when we needed it in the earlier years . Two (nice but firm ) conversations from DH & one from me and the overbearing things stopped ( one re breastfeeding - she bought without asking formula milk when we visited ( DS 3 months old ) ( to give me a rest ) One other was - I have to advise you GDC should not go to nursery - I think you should give up work - Basilisk. But it is only because I love GDC . At which point I rose to my full height ( not very tall ) & I said do you think we don't love him & we have checked this out. Anyway she ended up loving the nursery - we put her on the list for picking up After that she was a lovely grandma - some things she did which I would not have done but nothing too bad & DS loved spending time with them

As in so much - pick your battles but be firm on the important things and let the little ones go.

BingBongToTheMoon · 07/12/2021 22:09

First up- overnight stays need to be stopped. There's really no need for this

Then so should OP’s mum’s visits.

Bbub · 08/12/2021 00:06

Your husband sounds like he's being shit in this situation but I wonder how much he likes it to have your mum around so much as well. I'm guessing he stays out of the way when she comes too

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