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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner secretly read messages

64 replies

Ferriswheel90 · 05/12/2021 23:05

I’d like to ask for people’s opinion on my situation please. I have just discovered that my partner has been reading text messages of mine via my iPad. I feel completed violated especially finding out this happened over 2 months ago and nothing was said. She found messages I’d sent to a family member (some over 12months old) where I’d said some things about her that weren’t particularly nice or kind (after we’d fallen out) so she’s understandably upset by them. I’d obviously not intended that she’d ever read them though and she shouldn’t have ever seen them. Instead of confronting me at the time she said nothing (but was clearly in a mood and I had no idea why) and then brought everything up during a recent row we had, leaving me gobsmacked and feeling that I can’t trust her at all anymore. She claims she read only messages to this family member, no one else, and that it was only on two occasions. How can I believe that?
The thought of her sitting and reading through all of my private text messages makes me feel sick. I didn’t even know she knew my passcode, she has obviously clocked it by watching me use the iPad. I don’t know how we can carry on now that this has happened. She is now behaving as though nothing has happened which is so strange.
I get that I shouldn’t have slagged her off, but my messages were private and she went ahead and read them all.

OP posts:

Marineboy67 · 05/12/2021 23:24

I guess the lesson to be learned is to delete your messages, especially if they are how you were feeling at that time rather than always towards your partner.

Ceilia · 05/12/2021 23:27

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2021 23:29

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do

Utter crap. Never done that it my life. Married twice, several long term relationships.

At the point that you’re snooping it’s over.

Ceilia · 05/12/2021 23:32

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do

Utter crap. Never done that it my life. Married twice, several long term relationships.

At the point that you’re snooping it’s over.

Most woman do, have done in the past or have the curiosity to do it. Good for you if you don't but guarantee it's a very common thing, even in the strongest relationships.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/12/2021 23:34

Im sorry. I would feel violated too and personally I think once that trust is gone the relationship will be hard to salvage. I wouldn’t trust she only read the messages between the family member or that it was only twice, unless she had reason to suspect you’d sent the messages it is too much of a coincidence that the messages she read were the ones where you talked about her, especially if they were over a year old.

It would be a dealbreaker for me, there is no excuse for it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/12/2021 23:35

Also I completely disagree this is something ‘most’ women do or that it is normal in strong relationships. It’s not something I would do.

MintJulia · 05/12/2021 23:37

Don't you think that you breached her trust by talking disrespectfully about her, behind her back, to a family member.

You're supposed to be a team. Instead, I think you are as bad as each other. Maybe you you deserve each other !

m1shap3 · 05/12/2021 23:38

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

nimbuscloud · 05/12/2021 23:39

The trust is gone really

Darkpheonix · 06/12/2021 05:03

I would, and did, feel violated.

Its absolutely not something 'most women'. And telling you to just accept it cause she is a woman, is just ridiculous. It doesn't matter wether it's a man or a woman. It's not OK.

Exh used to do this to me. He actually never found anything he could moan about. But when someone thinks they have a right to violate your privacy, where do you do from there?

Its not just that she looked at the messages is it? She planned it, noted your pin etc

And as for 'talking to family members about her violates her trust', I think that's a load of rubbish as well.

Since when have people not been able to turn to their family or friends to confide in when their relationship has hit a bump in the road?

I put up with this in my marriage I wouldn't again. Anyone I am in a relationship with, either trusts me or they don't. If they don't trust me, because of their own issues when I have never done anything wrong, then they can leave.

BourbonScreams · 06/12/2021 05:16

At the very minimum it doesn't sound like she trusts you

EmmasMum12 · 06/12/2021 05:35

Shes violated your trust by snooping

You've violated her trust by slagging her off behind her back

So you both feel hurt and suspicious

You could try some couples counselling to work out why neither of you can talk to the other about how you feel

faithfulbird20 · 06/12/2021 05:42

So you're only angry she caught you slagging her off to your family? Maybe next time don't do it! Talk about respect...maybe she doesn't trust you and she's right...god knows what u say behind her back!

aurynne · 06/12/2021 06:17

I've never done this, never felt the desire to do it, and a relationship would be over if any partner did this to me.

You have the right to a private conversation with another person, other directly or in writing, without an invasion of privacy. If a person breaches your trust by spying on your private conversations, then what they hear or read and how it makes them feel is their own fault and responsibility.

ElectraBlue · 06/12/2021 06:27

''AnneLovesGilbert: Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. ''

Rubbish! I would never violate a partner's privacy and trust in this way. This man has every right to be upset.

If you don't have trust in a relationship then you are in trouble.

GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:35

Who says the OP is a man 🤔

GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:39

I must admit that I have read my DH’s messages in the past without his knowledge, as I thought he was having an affair.
But I think that, in a marriage/long term partnership, you shouldn’t have secrets anyway. Before the internet you would be able to read letters that arrived, or you’d take a landline phone message for someone, it’s only now that we have phones/computers that people demand privacy.

anon12345678901 · 06/12/2021 06:39

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

What a load of shit. Not every woman does it. If you have to check someone's messages, your relationship is as good as over as there's no trust. OP id be fuming. You are allowed to vent about your partner. I bet your partner does about you to family or friends.

madisonbridges · 06/12/2021 06:44

I can't believe people are saying don't moan about your spouse to friends. It's the norm to off load to them over an argument.
And she shouldn't be snooping in your private stuff. Although you won't get much sympathy on here as it's common to tell wives to read emails, texts and messages if it's to put your mind at rest.
Personally, I think its a breach of trust and I don't know if it's something I could live with.

CelebrateAndDream · 06/12/2021 06:45

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

Seriously?? Utter rubbish! Raise your standards and stop applying your low morals to 'us women'!

Shoxfordian · 06/12/2021 06:46

I would feel the same as you and it would end any relationship I had with someone if they did this.

It’s not just a thing women do; it’s a thing insecure controlling people do.

MrsBertBibby · 06/12/2021 06:50

"Most women" my arse. I've never done it, even when I had the opportunity and the suspicion. Utterly demeaning.

OP, I'd get out.

Buildingthefuture · 06/12/2021 06:51

You slagged her off to a family member and now you're pissed off that’s she’s read it? How about don’t slag her off then!!
You are both as bad as each other here. She shouldn’t be snooping but you shouldn’t be bad mouthing her (about which you seem to feel no remorse, only that she shouldn’t have seen it….so, what, you think what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her?? ) If my DH snooped on my phone and found out I’d been slagging him off, I wouldn’t be cross that he’d looked, I would be ashamed of my own behaviour. I think you need to do some work together on loyalty and trust.

Pyewackect · 06/12/2021 06:53

I’m sorry but somebody going through my private stuff would be a deal breaker for me. And the reason why she didn’t mention it is coz she’s been reading your messages ever since. If you’re gonna continue with this relationship then password protect your tech and don’t leave stuff switched on and open.

gamerchick · 06/12/2021 06:54

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

Erm no we don't

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