Partner secretly read messages

[Ferriswheel90]

I’d like to ask for people’s opinion on my situation please. I have just discovered that my partner has been reading text messages of mine via my iPad. I feel completed violated especially finding out this happened over 2 months ago and nothing was said. She found messages I’d sent to a family member (some over 12months old) where I’d said some things about her that weren’t particularly nice or kind (after we’d fallen out) so she’s understandably upset by them. I’d obviously not intended that she’d ever read them though and she shouldn’t have ever seen them. Instead of confronting me at the time she said nothing (but was clearly in a mood and I had no idea why) and then brought everything up during a recent row we had, leaving me gobsmacked and feeling that I can’t trust her at all anymore. She claims she read only messages to this family member, no one else, and that it was only on two occasions. How can I believe that?
The thought of her sitting and reading through all of my private text messages makes me feel sick. I didn’t even know she knew my passcode, she has obviously clocked it by watching me use the iPad. I don’t know how we can carry on now that this has happened. She is now behaving as though nothing has happened which is so strange.
I get that I shouldn’t have slagged her off, but my messages were private and she went ahead and read them all.

@MintJulia

Don't you think that you breached her trust by talking disrespectfully about her, behind her back, to a family member.

You're supposed to be a team. Instead, I think you are as bad as each other. Maybe you you deserve each other !

This, my partner does this about me to his family, it's left a bitter taste in my mouth.

So really bizarre replies

There is never any excuse for snooping and certainly most people don't

As for the slagging off thing, its the stuff of nights out.

If there is a man or women alive who has never moaned about a partner, either in writing or verbally, given that person a sainthood!!

There is never any excuse for snooping

There is never any excuse for snooping

As a PP mentioned, the only time I feel it’s understandable is when someone is being gaslit or cheated upon.

In my own emotionally abusive relationship, I was going insane, being told nothing was wrong, that I was paranoid and controlling when it was obvious things weren’t adding up. It was only by seeing a message from her to the OM, with all the gory details, that I gained the proof that vindicated me and told me I wasn’t going mad.

So I don’t regret it, but it was a nuclear option. Certainly it broke trust but at the end of the day the relationship was over anyway, and I knew it.

You have both broke each others trust

You by talking about her and her by reading your messages

Neither are acceptable in my mind

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

Don't judge everyone using your shit morals as a yard stick please.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

Also I completely disagree this is something ‘most’ women do or that it is normal in strong relationships. It’s not something I would do.

Seems fairly standard on MN with the additional advice to make copies to use against him.

“. Everyone has a right to have a moan about their partner to whoever they want tbh”

And you live with the consequences.
You might be really pissed off for some reason, vent to Mumsnet where there is no comeback.

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

Sorry but I agree this isn't true. I've never done this and nor have any of my female friends.

If I felt the need to snoop, it would tell me there was something wrong in the relationships. There is no good reason to violate someone else's privacy and read through someone elses messages just because you're a woman.

It isn't normal behaviour to snoop. I've never even considered it. I think pp is making an assumption (that most women do it) based on their own experience, and they are wrong.

Have they explained why? Do they accept it was wrong? Did they feel they had good reason at the time? What has changed since?

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders that is when they are suspicious of infidelity and trust has already gone, not because there’s nothing worth watching on the telly.

Ask to read hers OP. And see how she reacts.

I have never slagged off anyone I care about in a text message to another person. Even after an argument.

You seem more concerned about her reading your messages, than about the fact you were slagging her off to someone else.

No she shouldn't have read your messages, perhaps she did so because she was informed you'd been slagging her off? hence why she read only the messages to that particular person. To see if it was true?
Which it was.

Sorry. Not sure you can take the higher ground here.

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

Good grief. OP can vent to whoever they want. We have that right, to seek support from friends and family if we're finding things difficult. I'd disagree that most women snoop through private messages anyway. I don't and I can't remember many of my friends ever saying they've done it.

The only time I've ever read a partner's messages is when I knew something wasn't right in our marriage and I was right to as I discovered his affair.

Is she checking your messages because she suspects something? I'm not excusing it but it would be the only time i think it is ok (after speaking to your partner about any issues, which I did and he gaslit me).

If I found out my partner was reading my messages for no good reason then I would think the relationship was over.