Partner secretly read messages

[Ferriswheel90]

I’d like to ask for people’s opinion on my situation please. I have just discovered that my partner has been reading text messages of mine via my iPad. I feel completed violated especially finding out this happened over 2 months ago and nothing was said. She found messages I’d sent to a family member (some over 12months old) where I’d said some things about her that weren’t particularly nice or kind (after we’d fallen out) so she’s understandably upset by them. I’d obviously not intended that she’d ever read them though and she shouldn’t have ever seen them. Instead of confronting me at the time she said nothing (but was clearly in a mood and I had no idea why) and then brought everything up during a recent row we had, leaving me gobsmacked and feeling that I can’t trust her at all anymore. She claims she read only messages to this family member, no one else, and that it was only on two occasions. How can I believe that?
The thought of her sitting and reading through all of my private text messages makes me feel sick. I didn’t even know she knew my passcode, she has obviously clocked it by watching me use the iPad. I don’t know how we can carry on now that this has happened. She is now behaving as though nothing has happened which is so strange.
I get that I shouldn’t have slagged her off, but my messages were private and she went ahead and read them all.

Never snooped on any of my partners like this. One of mine did it to me, and it was not something I’d be prepared to accept in a relationship.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
She shouldn't have snooped, you shouldn't have vented over messages. Confiding or seeking support from family verbally is very different to slating your partner in black and white. The written word is harsher and there in black and white forever. I always tell my children, never send anything in text or via social media that you wouldn't be happy for the whole world to see.
What did you say?

If you're going to stay with her (and I'm not sure I could after someone had done that to me) then use your fingerprint as your password for your Ipad and phone. Absolutely no chance of anyone being able to get into the messages other than you. It's a pain sometimes but offers the greatest security.

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

Do what?

Read messages? I've never done that.

Absolutely no chance of anyone being able to get into the messages other than you.

Nope, they just wait until you are asleep.

Snooping is bad, but it does happen, so make sure you set a password and change it regularly, even well intended comments to a third party likely would not be welcome.
Delete messages is one remedy but you still run the risk of the third party repeating the comment, the only way to be safe is don’t make those comments about a partner or family member in the first place!.

My experience of women is that they vent about their OHs to their friends very regularly….they also vent on forums like MN. I’d be stunned if no woman has ever had a tiny moan about wet towels on the floor or the loo seat being left up at the very least. The ones who want to perpetuate the idea that going through text messages / emails is normal are the ones who do it. They want to feel that it’s normal so they don’t have to consider the reasonableness of their own behaviour.

In over 40 years I’ve never sent unkind messages about my dh to anyone.
I may have put that he’s grumpy to the dc.

It’s not the messages that your dp is annoyed about.
It’s the fact that you’ve coloured someone else’s opinion of her. You have no right to do that.
Instead of complaining about snooping you should apologise and learn to discuss differences without resorting to sending nasty messages to third parties.

I think you both have culpability here. I learnt in my marriage to Exdh exactly how awful talking awfully about your oartner to family members is , especially behind their back. It's actually a horribly nasty thing to do. However I also agree that going through your private messages is also a betrayal.

I agree with others , the day you start snooping is the day you have lost any trust. Speaking from experience though if you are bad mouthing a partner to family behind their back the relationship is shot anyway.

Most women is not a thing. Some women maybe do but I don't and I know most of my peers in conversation have expressed the same belief that if you are snooping on the other person's messages the relationship is dead in the water already.

Most women ? Sheesh , we don't have a sodding hive mind !

Lol I can’t believe I reading this!!
Most women snoop…. Says who, that’s nuts, of course they don’t. I don’t read my DH messages, his messages are his business. Maybe if you are jealous and insecure reading someone else’s private correspondence might seem acceptable, I don’t know. I’d be so so angry if he read mine, I’d not feel like I could trust him in the future.
Op, she read your private messages, where you should have safety to have a moan about your DP without her feeling entitled to invade your privacy. She’s you DP not your jailer.
Seems a bit weird that she suddenly finds these messages she didn’t like. I’d say she’s been reading them the whole time. It’s pretty grim.
You have no privacy now, and will have to password protect all your devices in future to stop her snooping.

A partner snooping in my messages and emails would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. No questions asked, end of relationship. If you can't trust me then you can take your trust issues elsewhere.

Bitching about your partner behind their back isn't nice and definitely shouldn't be a habit but who among us in a moment of frustration hasn't done it? Half this site is women bitching about husbands they otherwise love.

Personally I don't think that a few cross words to a family member is that bad - I usually tell my mum who I'm pissed off with and why to vent, and I'm sure she pays very little attention as it will all have changed by next week anyway.

I think a few unsavoury words by text about someone you're pissed off with is sometimes a more sensible solution than continuing and argument or carrying on while everyone is still angry.

Also - who hasn't ever sent a "X is being an absolute prick" message at some point? He withiut sin, etc., etc..

I'd be concerned about someone reading my messages though because it suggests that they don't trust me. I'd not do it myself so it falls into treating someone as I wish to be treated. Also, a lot of what I text to friends/family/colleagues is no one else's business so I'd be irked at the nosiness of it.

A very sneaky, dishonest thing to do.

If you are not happy in the relationship, let this be the final nail in the coffin and get out.

She isn't trustworthy.

To me it depends now how you move forward.

You can both agree to draw a line under it - it wasn't nice you were moaning about her and she shouldn't have read the messages.

My exh read my messages once and the part we couldn't move forward from was every now again he would restart the arguments about what he had read. That and other things killed our relationship

Snooping through private messages would be a deal breaker for me, I've never done it to any of my partners and I wouldn't expect it from them, once you start checking messages you clearly don't trust the person and will never really be at peace in the relationship so why continue. I have nothing to hide and openly tell my partner if they annoy me but some things my family/friends tell me about their own personal issues such as relationships or bereavements etc I don't relay in full detail to my partner so I would be furious if someone felt that they had a right to read through messages to satisfy their curiosity.

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

No "us women" don't. You might, but not everyone needs to be tarred with your untrusting and snooping brush.

My ex did this to me, and it was the final nail in the coffin for me. He was a controlling prick anyway, but finding out he was snooping on my messages was the final straw. I would never do it to anyone. It is a massive invasion of privacy, and a breach of trust. If you are at the stage where you are feeling the need to snoop on your partner, your relationship is dead anyway, as without trust, you have nothing.

Before the internet you would be able to read letters that arrived .... it’s only now that we have phones/computers that people demand privacy.

What nonsense. It has never been ok to read letters addressed to someone else.

@Ceilia

Your partner will do that, sorry, us woman do. Stop venting to family and talk to her next time you're upset with her.

You speak for yourself!

Not all women will do that at all.
O
It's a gross lack of trust and respect.

People have days where they don't particularly like the people they love. Have a grumble to family or friends.

We all have a right to privacy.
Snooping is a invasion of that privacy.

I snooped on my abusive exes phone, because I suspected him of having yet another affair. I was right, and I ended up throwing him out - but it doesn't make what I did ok. The relationship turned me into someone I barely recognised - looking for any scrap of evidence that I could find and I don't actually believe its behaviour that you would see in a healthy, loving relationship.

I feel very ashamed of who I turned into, and that I allowed myself to become that insecure - No one "made me do it" but it was symptomatic of how bad I felt in the relationship, and I've remained single for over three years because I know I'm not over those feelings yet and I wouldn't ever want to inflict them on an unsuspecting innocent new partner.

If she is insecure in your relationship and this isn't something that's a life pattern then that's one thing - and possibly something that can be dealt with. If its a life pattern and she consistently does it then that's not ok and she's going to struggle with a healthy relationship because you have to trust the person you love.

It wasn't nice that she saw things about herself that upset her, and you could think about how you talk about her to other people but its very common to let off steam to close friends/family and I don't think that's the biggest issue here

'Us women' - what a load of bullshit. No we don't. We respect the privacy of other adults, just as I'd expect my privacy to be respected.
Anyone who thinks this is OK is untrustworthy or co-dependent. Deal breaker either way.

Usual advice on this forum is to read partners messages - it's the number 2 advice after being told to leave them.

No advice for OP but I'd just like to say that I've also never snooped on a partner's phone....despite being a woman

Not good OP, I would be very hurt and upset. I do moan to my friends or close family member sometimes if we have had a bad argument or just mild frustrations, I am sure my partner does too, it's just a part of life!

@Ceilia You might, I certainly don't. Everyone has a right to have a moan about their partner to whoever they want tbh. People are encouraged to speak our and not bottle stuff up. Will it change the opinion of the people you speak to about her? Possibly, action have consequences. Your actions have led her to be be upset, however her own actions were directly responsible for her own upset too, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on here.

Invading a person's privacy is abusive.