How can I stop being so clingy and controlling?

[BettyBet]

I'm really worried about becoming controlling and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice?

So I've been dating a guy for a few months now and I'm feeling really annoyed today because, yesterday some of our mutual work friends asked us both to go out for drinks with them, he said he didn't want to as he wanted to spend time with me alone and he doesn't really like those colleagues. So we spent time together and we both went to our separate homes about quarter past midnight.
Today at work, one of these work friends asked why I didn't go out with them all last night, I explained what happened and he asked why the guy I'm dating went. He showed me messages of him asking him to pick him up 10 minutes after I dropped him off home.
One of the girls texted me today to ask if I was alright, because she was worried about me not going when he went.

I've been really annoyed about this today because he hasn't said anything to me about it, and he told me he didn't want us to go.

Before anyone starts having a go at me I know people are allowed to go out and do whatever they want, we're only dating (we are exclusive) and obviously he's in no way my property so he can do this whenever he wants.
That's why I'm asking for advice on how to become less clingy and controlling, surely I shouldn't be so annoyed?

Is this a case of needing therapy?

No. That's just annoying. Not sure it's controlling to not enjoy being lied to.

No, I would be hurt and pissed off in that situation too.

Wtf. I would be fuming if my boyfriend did this. Why do you think you need therapy?

That's weird OP! It's not you!

Why would he say he didn't want to go and then go without you??

You aren’t being controlling OP. That’s extremely weird. Why wouldn’t he have let you know??

I’d ask for an explanation, unless it’s a very good one I would drop him - it sounds like he plays games.

I find what he did pretty sneaky and underhand, I don't think you are being controlling / need therapy.

It's like he is setting you up for getting all irritated about him going out. I don't think you are the problem here OP

He's the controlling one. He's made it so you don't go out but he did .. and you think there's something wrong with you?

That's not controlling! He's being a weird arsehole. Was there another woman there he's interested in?

Sounds more like he’s being controlling to me..

Well, this isnt a case of you being too controlling. He is weirdly lying to you. I'd ditch him.

It wasn't he didn't want 'us' to go - he didn't want you to go. He lied to you, and is lying to you still by omission. And for some reason you're tying yourself in knots trying to blame yourself and thinking you need therapy! Wtf?

I'm neither controlling nor clingy, but that would annoy the fuck outta me!

Stop spending time with people who trigger you into feeling you're being clingy and controlling.

This isn't about amending your behaviour. It's about amending your choice of people.

I'd honestly dump him OP. Dump him and block him. How will you ever trust him not to lie to you again? Without trust there can't be love and you might very well turn clingy and controlling because you won't be able to trust your reality.

@TheFoundations

Stop spending time with people who trigger you into feeling you're being clingy and controlling.

This isn't about amending your behaviour. It's about amending your choice of people.

Good advice, which I should also listen to myself!

@SnowWhitesSM

He's the controlling one. He's made it so you don't go out but he did .. and you think there's something wrong with you?

This is what I see too.

How did you leap to the conclusion that you are the controlling one, op?

Very mean and spiteful. Why wouldn’t he want you to go? I would call him out on that and tbh probably couldn’t forgive.

Don't pin this on yourself, OP! I obviously can't comment on wether you're clingy or controlling in general but in this situation you're totally right to feel upset and angry! That is really strange behaviour on his part, I would be hurt and angry about this. And I'd be wondering why he didn't want me there.

Its not that he went out, its that he deceived you into not going yourself thats the issue. For some reason he didn't want to go with you and wanted to go alone. Please don't drink the kool(girl) aid and start believing you're controlling and insecure. I hate the new obsession with calling women these things. It just acts as a smokescreen for men behaving badly.

Why on earth do you think you are controlling? He stopped you going out didn't he? I'm really appalled by what he did. I would certainly be telling everyone at work about it and I would dump him immediately.

In fact I would tell them first and then dump him as otherwise he'll make up all sorts of shit.

This was a mean deceitful trick on his part. And absolutely nothing to do with you bring controlling or clingy. Don't put up with this nonsense. Ditch.

It’s not you, it’s him.

Thank you everyone, my annoyance seemed so real in my head but he told me there was nothing wrong with him going out and I was over clingy for being annoyed 🤦

Red flag waving.

Wave goodbye

@BettyBet

Thank you everyone, my annoyance seemed so real in my head but he told me there was nothing wrong with him going out and I was over clingy for being annoyed 🤦

Why didn't you trust yourself?