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Relationships

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Original poster

How can I stop being so clingy and controlling?

71 replies

BettyBet · 05/12/2021 18:53

I'm really worried about becoming controlling and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice?

So I've been dating a guy for a few months now and I'm feeling really annoyed today because, yesterday some of our mutual work friends asked us both to go out for drinks with them, he said he didn't want to as he wanted to spend time with me alone and he doesn't really like those colleagues. So we spent time together and we both went to our separate homes about quarter past midnight.
Today at work, one of these work friends asked why I didn't go out with them all last night, I explained what happened and he asked why the guy I'm dating went. He showed me messages of him asking him to pick him up 10 minutes after I dropped him off home.
One of the girls texted me today to ask if I was alright, because she was worried about me not going when he went.

I've been really annoyed about this today because he hasn't said anything to me about it, and he told me he didn't want us to go.

Before anyone starts having a go at me I know people are allowed to go out and do whatever they want, we're only dating (we are exclusive) and obviously he's in no way my property so he can do this whenever he wants.
That's why I'm asking for advice on how to become less clingy and controlling, surely I shouldn't be so annoyed?

Is this a case of needing therapy?

OP posts:

Paganfreya1988 · 05/12/2021 19:27

How’s your relationship in general? The reason I ask because you asked am I controlling. When you are with your b/f do your cross exam him
Like, where were you today? Or not trusting him. If yes, then that’s controlling, and he wants to be freed from you, going out without telling you. I have been controlling myself in the past as found it hard to trust anyone.

So if the answer is no, relationship good apart from this episode, then ask him why he did this, and if he lies or does not give a proper explanation, it’s time to move on. If your OH has done this once, he will think 1) you don’t know, (2)) he can do it again. For any relationship to work, honesty is the best policy

Good luck.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/12/2021 19:28

@BettyBet

Thank you everyone, my annoyance seemed so real in my head but he told me there was nothing wrong with him going out and I was over clingy for being annoyed 🤦

Get rid.

You’ve got a gaslighter.

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 19:29

When somebody says you're being over-clingy, oversensitive, over-something, have a think about who's making the rules. Who decides how clingy you should be? Why does he get to decide, in this particular situation, that you are more clingy than you should be? How clingy do you think you should be, and why is his idea of what you should be over riding what you naturally are? Have you given him the job of reconfiguring your personality and your feelings?

'You are being over-clingy' actually means 'You are being too clingy for my preferences', and what that means is that the person is saying to you 'I don't want you like this, as you naturally are. I don't want to deal with your responses to my behaviour. I'm unhappy with you for being yourself.'

my annoyance seemed so real in my head

Where else in the world could your own annoyance seem real? Why are you over riding what happens inside you for the sake of what he thinks you should be like? Honour yourself. Honour your feelings. Respect your feelings. If they tell you something, like 'Damn, that was annoying!' then don't let anybody come and 'correct' you on how you feel.

LettertoHermoine · 05/12/2021 19:31

God no, that's not you, that's a lousy thing to do behind your back.

KintsugiForever · 05/12/2021 19:32

I think you need to be kinder on yourself OP. He's blaming you for your completely natural reaction to cover up his own bizarre behaviour. This is classic deflection. Not a great sign.

LizzieSiddal · 05/12/2021 19:35

He stopped you going out then went out himself. It’s horrible of him to then say you are clingy. 🚩

Honestly get rid of him.

ldontWanna · 05/12/2021 19:41

@BettyBet

Thank you everyone, my annoyance seemed so real in my head but he told me there was nothing wrong with him going out and I was over clingy for being annoyed 🤦

Yeah, he's a dick. You wanted to go, he lied and said he didn't. He made you stay home. On top of it all he went there himself after. You're not controlling, it's him that's the problem. Either hiding something, or just playing stupid mindfuck games. Neither are what you want in a relationship.

Original poster

BettyBet · 05/12/2021 19:44

@Paganfreya1988

How’s your relationship in general? The reason I ask because you asked am I controlling. When you are with your b/f do your cross exam him Like, where were you today? Or not trusting him. If yes, then that’s controlling, and he wants to be freed from you, going out without telling you. I have been controlling myself in the past as found it hard to trust anyone.

Good luck.

Our relationship seems good in general, we've been out with this group of friends before and we had no problems. He's been out without me and I've not complained. I joke about myself being clingy because I like to kiss and cuddle when we're alone, but I'm not like that in front of other people.

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 05/12/2021 19:45

He behaved outrageously!

MMMarmite · 05/12/2021 19:45

Looking to kiss and cuddle is tactile, not clingy! That's half the point of a relationship for me

TheWholeWorld · 05/12/2021 19:47

Er what... he lied by omission so he could go out without you and somehow that makes you clingy? No, it makes him the kind of guy who plays games and keeps you off balance and questioning yourself.

Nah. Bin him off.

ohlordabove · 05/12/2021 19:47

You're not being controlling, he's acting like a knobhead.

IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2021 19:47

That was really weird of him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 19:47

Thank you everyone, my annoyance seemed so real in my head but he told me there was nothing wrong with him going out and I was over clingy for being annoyed

Please dump him.

He told you he didn't want either of you to go on a particular night out you were both invited to.

You agreed to that.

He agreed to that... you thought.

Except he then actively asked someone to come and pick him up as soon as he knew you were home alone.

He successfully manipulated you by lying, so that you wouldn't be out that night and he would.

He's a prick OP. Bin him off.

Honestly, I know you'll be psychoanalysing him and trying to work out why he did this etc etc but the unfortunate truth is that nice people just don't do shit like that. It's mean and it's weird.

And then he turned it around on you (Google DARVO) which makes him even more of a prick.

He's not a keeper OP.

MMmomDD · 05/12/2021 19:58

I’d give him a chance to explain himself and then make a choice.
Generally - it seems like a buzzard behaviour given that there was no way you’d not have found out

billy1966 · 05/12/2021 20:05

@youvegottenminuteslynn

This.

He is an absolutely sneaky, dishonest prick.

I wouldn't say a word just block.

He doesn't give a damn about you.

Could he be more disrespectful.

Also OP, stop putting yourself down and saying you are clingy.

Are you looking for an abusive relationship because if you put up with that wanker and continue putting yourself down, that is EXACTLY what you are going to get.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/12/2021 20:36

He doesn't get to decide what upsets you. You decide that. He was being right sneaky not telling you until your friends told you that he turned up. Then he tries to turn it around to make you the baddie. He is not a nice guy and you need to really think about what to do now.
As an extra he embarrassed you a bit in front of colleagues pulling that stunt and not filling you in..horrible man!!

mylovelydd · 05/12/2021 20:57

You're not being controlling, you're being controlled.
He wanted you out of the way and didn't want you going on the night out so contrived an excuse for you two to have a cosy evening in and then texted 10 minutes (after he got changed?) after he got home.
He wanted to be on the night out without you being there. Do you think he could be interested in someone else who would have been on the night out?
Either way get rid. He's controlling, manipulative, sneaky and gaslighting. I have no good words about him.

You will do just fine without him and be kind to yourself. You could do with bolstering your self esteem (as could we all!) and confidence in yourself and you be fine

MizzFizz · 05/12/2021 21:11

He is gaslighting you.... making you feel like you're crazy when he clearly is the one who did something messed up. He lied to you and basically found a way to make you NOT go because for some reason he didn't want you there.

I would be very suspicious of him from now on. Massive red flag.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 05/12/2021 21:17

Dump him like a hot brick TODAY.
He is bad news.
What he did is not normal at all.

Crazykatie · 05/12/2021 21:23

If the story is true and he did go to the party after you dropped him home he just became an ex boyfriend.
No more to be said

Onthedunes · 05/12/2021 21:27

I feel it's really quite sinister.

To convince you to not go together and then be picked up and go when you were fimly planted at home.

Also he doen't seem to care that you would find out.

If you take this, you will take anything.
It's a test to see how controlled you can be.

Run.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 21:32

@Onthedunes

I feel it's really quite sinister.

To convince you to not go together and then be picked up and go when you were fimly planted at home.

Also he doen't seem to care that you would find out.

If you take this, you will take anything.
It's a test to see how controlled you can be.

Run.

Absolutely this.

I'm saying this because I've been treated very poorly by various men like this in my early 20s and wish someone had said it to me at the time - if you put up with this, he will know you're a bit of a mug. Someone who even when faced with unquestionably mean and manipulative behaviour, can be easily persuaded you are in the wrong. Easy to make a fool of.

Show him you're not a mug or a fool. Set yourself higher standards and stronger boundaries. Dump the eejit.

fallfallfall · 05/12/2021 21:49

He’s screwing with your mind and getting ready to screw someone else.
Sorry he’s not a good one, he’s a liar and would be cheat.

Dindundundundeeer · 05/12/2021 21:50

God almighty, dump the lying prick.

Nothing wrong with you OP. You were treated badly and you didn’t like it. Take note.

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