How can I stop being so clingy and controlling?

[BettyBet]

I'm really worried about becoming controlling and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice?

So I've been dating a guy for a few months now and I'm feeling really annoyed today because, yesterday some of our mutual work friends asked us both to go out for drinks with them, he said he didn't want to as he wanted to spend time with me alone and he doesn't really like those colleagues. So we spent time together and we both went to our separate homes about quarter past midnight.
Today at work, one of these work friends asked why I didn't go out with them all last night, I explained what happened and he asked why the guy I'm dating went. He showed me messages of him asking him to pick him up 10 minutes after I dropped him off home.
One of the girls texted me today to ask if I was alright, because she was worried about me not going when he went.

I've been really annoyed about this today because he hasn't said anything to me about it, and he told me he didn't want us to go.

Before anyone starts having a go at me I know people are allowed to go out and do whatever they want, we're only dating (we are exclusive) and obviously he's in no way my property so he can do this whenever he wants.
That's why I'm asking for advice on how to become less clingy and controlling, surely I shouldn't be so annoyed?

Is this a case of needing therapy?

@BettyBet He's gaslighting you! LTB

If he decided he wasn't ready to be at home and still had energy to go out why didn't he think to give you a call and see if you were up for it too ? The fact that he persuaded you not to go so you could spend time alone and then went anyway without you shows you that he's thoughtless, selfish and controlling. Don't question yourself here.

OP, you are not the problem here. I would run for the hills if I were you, he sounds like bad news.

I'm assuming when you 'spent time together' earlier in the evening you had intercourse. So he's using you for sex, but doesn't actually want to go out with you. And he is lying by omission. I would see the red flags and realize it will only get worse.

@Onthedunes

I feel it's really quite sinister.

To convince you to not go together and then be picked up and go when you were fimly planted at home.

Also he doen't seem to care that you would find out.

If you take this, you will take anything.
It's a test to see how controlled you can be.

Run.

Really agree with this.

It has "Shark Cage" test written all over it.

OP, have you read about the Shark Cage analogy?

Please do.

This isn't a nice man.

I've never heard about the Shark Cage, but I'm going to look into that now. Thank you everyone 🤗

That’s really bad, he manipulated you into not going as he didn’t want you there, the question is why?

He didn’t want to be seen there with you, either by his mates or another woman, unforgivable!.

He manipulated you into not going, and then further manipulated you onto thinking you were the issue. This man doesn't sound like one to keep.

We he is a liar and a sneak. I take it you have dumped him for being so underhand ?

I joke about myself being clingy because I like to kiss and cuddle when we're alone
I don't get the joke. That is what people usually do with their bf/gf.

“He manipulated you into not going, and then further manipulated you onto thinking you were the issue. This man doesn't sound like one to keep.”

This. His behaviour sounds really bizarre. He may have just had a second wind after you dropped him home but, as a PP said, why didn’t he ask you whether you fancied continuing on a night out? At a stretch it might just have been thoughtlessness on his part (though I think it suggests he’s still potentially on the pull) but what confirms his dodginess is that - instead of just apologising and agreeing this was thoughtless - he turned this round on you. That’s not nice. As PP have said, he doesn’t sound trustworthy and doesn’t sound like a keeper.

Doubt it was a second wind, he was texting for a lift ten mins after going home, so he was clearly planning to go all along. He just didn’t wish to go with the op. He was already in her car.

I would be so annoyed by this, he has unilaterally decided for you that you won't be going out and told you he wants to be with you (while telling others he will meet them later) - he has had you all tucked up at home, under the impression that he was going to bed when you dropped him off - all the while planning that as soon as you leave he was heading out.

There is nothing at all controlling about being annoyed by that. Christ, find your anger - why does he get to decide for you that you aren't allowed out and he is?!

It’s def not you it’s him. Home with you - quick shag? Then out with mates with no real care if you were there or would find out. Now it’s you being a problem. He didn’t want to go out with you. He manipulated you into staying home, presumably for a shag too and still went out. I would end it now. He is probably a gaslighting manipulative bastard but at very best is a thoughtless arse. Pointless partner.

I would have certainly dumped this man after that when I was younger.

He's either a twat who wanted to chat others up or he's insecure and wants to keep you in a cage where no one else has access to you.

Both reasons are deplorable.
Dump him, start going out again and find someone new.

He's the one needing therapy! He's being dishonest. Red flags all over it. Do yourself a favour and stop seeing this guy. He's not one of the good ones.

@BettyBet

Thank you everyone, my annoyance seemed so real in my head but he told me there was nothing wrong with him going out and I was over clingy for being annoyed 🤦

He actively prevented you from going out. He then left you at home and went out himself.

Love, that isn't you being clingy and controlling, that is him being a bastard. You are absolutely right to be annoyed. I would have been bloody enraged.

He's the controlling one.

Save yourself a load of grief and dump him asap.

He told you that you were being overly controlling when he did something totally unreasonable. I despair at these men that people post about on Mumsnet. You deserve WAY better. And you do not need therapy, you need a normal boyfriend.

Your mutual friends have contacted you after your no-show, to make sure you are all right.

That, in itself, is very telling. They know he is a bastard, and they were worried about you.

Please don't waste any more of your time with this nasty piece of work.

Why did you not go home together at the end of the night? It seems that would be the natural thing to do. Is he the sort of guy who doesn’t let you stay the night?