Husband having mental breakdown/suicidall

[Evianfash40]

No idea what to do. It's been 4 weeks since my husband had a mental breakdown. We live abroad with our 1 year old. I had to get his parents to fly out & take my husband back to UK because we had a week of him not sleeping, saying he was suicidal and he's been staying with them ever since. I spent 10 days with him and his family last week but it was too much with looking after my son too (who is poorly full of cough/cold) and the focus was all on my husband which it needs to be, I understand, but there was no support for me or help taking care of my son, so I'm at my mums elsewhere in the UK for a break and help with my son and for me I suppose.
We took my husband to A&E last weekend as he was at his worst, he's been feeling suicidal for the last 4 weeks. They were really good and he is now seeing a psychiatrist, mental health crisis team but he seems to be getting worse. He just keeps ringing me telling me he wants to end it. He was prescribed antidepressants escitalopram but it made him worse, he said he felt like he was going crazy so he came off them. So now he's on an anti psychotic - quetiapine, a sleeping tablet and valium. But somehow he is just worse. I don't know how to best support him. His family are putting pressure on me to go back to stay with them, saying he needs me. They are also pressuring me to move back to his hometown which I don't want to do, it's so far from my home. And I want to help him but i felt so isolated & alone when I stayed there last week. I was trying to look after my son, help my husband, cook, take my husband to his appointments whilst looking after my son, my son won't nap or sleep now we're not home and I don't think it's good for him to be around my husband when hes in this state - he's crawling round on his hand and knees saying he wants to end it. Noone offered to help, if I needed to shower had to take my son with me to bathroom, had to take him with me into my husbands psyc appt. My husband is unable to help with childcare, he says he is so self absorbed and can't think about anyone else. I've not slept. I'm on the verge of cracking up myself. I just don't know what to do for the best.
I gave up my career to move overseas and be with my husband 18 months ago so I'm not working. To make matters worse as we are overseas my husband is only allowed in UK for 90 tax days per year then has to pay UK income tax on his overseas income and he's almost out of days which means he either needs to leave the UK by end of the month or pay a 50k tax bill. If he leaves can't come back before April. I know his health is the priority but I also know he's in this negative thought spiral and a 50k tax bill will make him worse. I'm also battling with my father in law who is a really difficult character, when I took my husband to A&E only one person was allowed in with him (me) but father in law kicked up a fuss refusing to leave, caused a big scene upset my husband, also told him to cancel his counselling appts as it was a waste of time, I could go on but generally not a nice person or positive influence.
What should I do? This all seems to have been triggered by my husband changing jobs and not liking the new job, says he has lost his identity, wants his old job back and can't get it back.

What input is he having from the crisis team?? Can you afford private healthcare?

I know how stressful it is for you seeing him unwell, but you need to be there, not swanning off to your mum when things are difficult. That's sending a loud message to your husband that you don't care.

It can take many months to recover from a breakdown. I'd focus on finding a base for that time, which from what you've described means moving back to the UK, finding somewhere to live and getting an income.

Are MH services any better in the country you were living in?

@CorrBlimeyGG as much as I anticipated that response it's not that simple and quite frankly that kind of comment is not nice or helpful, didn't come here to get trolled. I can't look after a toddler and a very unwell husband, it's relentless and now I'm sick too with my toddlers bug. Neither my husband, toddler are sleeping. I have sick crying child in one hand and my husband telling me he wants to kill himself on the other side.

@MartyHart so I explored private options here as I felt he needed some sort of intensive treatment and to stay somewhere but post pandemic everywhere has a 6-8 wk wait. Even private psychiatrists are the same, we have found a private psychiatrist first appt is tomorrow working alongside NHS crisis team. We can arrange care overseas but husband feels safer at home. Also difficult to find English speaking help overseas, but there are options

So sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds awful. I also agree it's nothing good for your DS to see his dad in that state.

How far is your mums from his mums? Would she look after your DS while you spent time with DH? Or could you and DH live with your mum and she could help with childcare?

Were your in laws not helping out with childcare at all when you were all with them? Even for you to have a shower?

I just wondered as I also live overseas and the services where I am are a lot better. I would have tried to use the services here rather than in the UK but obviously that's not going to work here.
I'm very sorry for what you are all going through it must be very difficult.
I would imagine on top of everything else you haven't had much sleep.
Maybe concentrate on getting yourself and the toddler on an even keel and then trying to sort your husband out (not easy I know).
Do you think he's safe with his parents for now? I realise he's telling you he's worse but do you think they are looking after him well enough to at least keep him safe for now?

Hi op, this sounds awful and sorry you are going through this
Do you think this might be better under the mental health section rather than relationships? You could ask mn to move. You might get more tailored advice there.
On the tax bill is there any way that you can do a report based on his mh crisis to allow him off it for a period of time? There must be exceptions if someone falls ill in one country and runs over the days - I’d assume so.
Best of luck and stay strong

As per the previous threads where you demonstrated your husband was at best manipulative and coercive when well - stay with your Mum and don't take on this responsibility.

This sounds horrific OP, you must be so stressed and worried.

It sounds like his parents aren’t helping him or you, would it be possible for you all to stay with your mum so she can help with the toddler while you sort something more permanent? Is there a chance your husband could be sectioned if he is not improving with current treatment/support?

OP,

Has this absolutely come out of nowhere?

It seems a very extreme reaction to a job change.

How long are you together?

I think you need to stay where you are and where your son is safe.

I think your husband is best off with his family.

You are not best served going to stay with difficult in laws.

I think more background is needed here if you feel able.

How long were you abroad etc.,
How long are you together, married?

Has he had issues before that you know of?

@billy1966 we've been together for almost 11 years, married for 1. I think the job change was the final trigger but also the stress of working from home in a 2 bed appt, new baby, living overseas, me not working (I would like to work but can't work in my current career overseas - also lost my job in pandemic)...... I think he just cracked. He has low self esteem & his identity is tied to his job. He's suffered from depression & anxiety for a long time but only now been willing to get help. It's been hard as it manifests in lots of ways some times he's really angry, won't speak for hours, brooding, other times crying, self absorbed, distracted. Now he can't function, he can't focus on our child or take care of himself. He had a car accident 10 years ago, was off work for 4 months with PTSD. He gradually got better but mentally never fully recovered. We've been overseas for 3 years. He ended up moving after feeling stressed in his old job, like he went into fight or flight mode then just took a job to get away.

@MrsCremuel we can't really stay at my mums as she lives in a small 2 bed flat also 5 hours away from his family, and he's having treatment in his hometown so makes sense for him to be there. I've looked to see if there's any exemption with tax if he has to stay but can't find anything to suggest that's an option. I almost think he's better spending 50k checking into a health facility somewhere else abroad if he's going to lose that money. Right now nothing seems to be working.
I'm feeling really stressed and anxious about it all. I do feel better for being at my mums though but living out of a suitcase with a little one isn't ideal.

Stay where you are. Do not move to your in laws! Your priority has to be care for your one year old. So make that decision now and stick to it. Is it possible to get him admitted to somewhere like the priory? An in patient place. Do you have enough money to do that? Ok tax bill. Can you pay it? It’s not ideal but needs must and if he’s at breaking point then liquidate everything, pay the bill and stay here. Get him sorted then sort out work.

@itlod my mum is 72 and not in the greatest health so she can't look after my toddler alone. When I stayed with my inlaws they live in the sticks so nothing around, it was snowing too so couldn't even take the pram out for a walk. Husband insured on his mums car but not fit to drive. I just felt trapped and started to feel down myself mainly down to lack of sleep/support but sad for my husband and felt bad for my son. I feel like he's the priority and I couldn't give him the attention he needs whilst trying to care for my husband. Inlaws don't help, I couldn't have a shower unless I took son into bathroom, noone would watch him. I had to cook dinner with my son clinging onto my leg or trying to hold him, house is not baby safe so he can't roam about but noone offered to watch him. He won't nap because he's not at home. There's no break and he's not sleeping well at night as he's in a different place. No toys to distract him etc. Just trapped in the house with no help and a sick husband.

CorrBlimeyGG‘S post is appalling and so wrong. Prioritise your own and your child’s well-being, OP. If there is a decent private in-patient care where you living that might be best. But don’t give in to pressure from his parents - or you’ll go under too.

What a nightmare situation to be trapped in.

Honestly, my answer would be to put yourself and your child first. You can't fix your DH, he needs professionals to do that - and there needs to be a large degree of co-operation from him. I'd let your in-laws deal with him.

Based on what you have written I think you need to prioritise your son and yourself.

Who will look after your child if you are unwell too?

Stay with your mother.

Tell your husband that he must help himself and stay with his parents.

He sounds as if he has struggled for many years.
Poor man.

Unfortunately the priority has to be this child that you chose to have.

Stay with your mother.

@nocnoc I rang the priory no space for 6 weeks. Everywhere seems to be full, I guess covid created alot of mental health problems for lots of people. It's expensive but right now would try anything. Tax bill we can pay with savings if we need to.

What is the situation with his job abroad?

As non-UK residents you are obviously paying for the NHS treatment so you might as well go down the private treatment route. I presume you have to have medical insurance in the country you live, so would returning there not be an option, thus avoiding the tax bill issue ? Can your DH‘s employer help at all ?

Not sure how useful this is to you but Citalopram makes you worse before it makes you better - he shouldn't have stopped taking it. Hopefully he will be able to try a different SSRI but will need to give it 6 weeks before deciding it is not for him, then come off gradually

I don’t suppose his employer will step up and assist?

Some people do have to come off Citalopram straight away @Bellafrenum if the initial adverse reaction is dangerous. I had to stop it immediately (it triggered a manic episode). If he's been switched to an anti-psychotic that was presumably on the advice of the psychiatrist.

@Evianfash40 could you pay for an hour or so's advice from a specialist tax advisor/accountant about the whole tax residency issue? I know it's a complex area.

We also live abroad (France) and the health care is generally much better here but even though my French is good I think I would find it an extra challenge to have to operate in a second language if mentally ill, so I understand why you have returned. For what it's worth, I think you are right to do what you can to support your husband but to put your child (and your ability to cope) first. It sounds like recovery is likely to take a while so you need to conserve energy, get your son in a sustainable routine and build up strength for the long haul. You need support too and it sounds like your mum can at least provide some emotionally if not so much practically. I assume your husband is on sick leave at the moment from work?

If it's an EU country, and Dane with many others,there is no double taxation,cso while income tax may become due in the UK, it then would not be due in the "home" country.

To owe £50k tax he must be a very high earner so I think you should ask his employer for help. If nothing else on the income tax issue. If they have bases in many countries they will have tax advisors.

And they quite possibly have an employee counseling scheme.

Yes I was thinking that too @VanGoghsDog but I can see might be v complicated to reclaim if overseas tax is being deducted immediately from payslip or something like that, and also if it is a condition of his employment that he's living in the country where his job is. I agree though that it would be worth getting some proper advice on this, and that's probably fairly easy to source quickly if you can pay for it.