Husband having mental breakdown/suicidall

[Evianfash40]

No idea what to do. It's been 4 weeks since my husband had a mental breakdown. We live abroad with our 1 year old. I had to get his parents to fly out & take my husband back to UK because we had a week of him not sleeping, saying he was suicidal and he's been staying with them ever since. I spent 10 days with him and his family last week but it was too much with looking after my son too (who is poorly full of cough/cold) and the focus was all on my husband which it needs to be, I understand, but there was no support for me or help taking care of my son, so I'm at my mums elsewhere in the UK for a break and help with my son and for me I suppose.
We took my husband to A&E last weekend as he was at his worst, he's been feeling suicidal for the last 4 weeks. They were really good and he is now seeing a psychiatrist, mental health crisis team but he seems to be getting worse. He just keeps ringing me telling me he wants to end it. He was prescribed antidepressants escitalopram but it made him worse, he said he felt like he was going crazy so he came off them. So now he's on an anti psychotic - quetiapine, a sleeping tablet and valium. But somehow he is just worse. I don't know how to best support him. His family are putting pressure on me to go back to stay with them, saying he needs me. They are also pressuring me to move back to his hometown which I don't want to do, it's so far from my home. And I want to help him but i felt so isolated & alone when I stayed there last week. I was trying to look after my son, help my husband, cook, take my husband to his appointments whilst looking after my son, my son won't nap or sleep now we're not home and I don't think it's good for him to be around my husband when hes in this state - he's crawling round on his hand and knees saying he wants to end it. Noone offered to help, if I needed to shower had to take my son with me to bathroom, had to take him with me into my husbands psyc appt. My husband is unable to help with childcare, he says he is so self absorbed and can't think about anyone else. I've not slept. I'm on the verge of cracking up myself. I just don't know what to do for the best.
I gave up my career to move overseas and be with my husband 18 months ago so I'm not working. To make matters worse as we are overseas my husband is only allowed in UK for 90 tax days per year then has to pay UK income tax on his overseas income and he's almost out of days which means he either needs to leave the UK by end of the month or pay a 50k tax bill. If he leaves can't come back before April. I know his health is the priority but I also know he's in this negative thought spiral and a 50k tax bill will make him worse. I'm also battling with my father in law who is a really difficult character, when I took my husband to A&E only one person was allowed in with him (me) but father in law kicked up a fuss refusing to leave, caused a big scene upset my husband, also told him to cancel his counselling appts as it was a waste of time, I could go on but generally not a nice person or positive influence.
What should I do? This all seems to have been triggered by my husband changing jobs and not liking the new job, says he has lost his identity, wants his old job back and can't get it back.

Sometimes life insurance policies have clauses that allow a payout in the event of a serious health crisis. Check that?

You've had a couple of threads already about this and also I think before you even left? Without making too many assumptions it looks pretty clear that your in laws at best haven't helped with your DH mental health and may well be one of the main causes. Their lack of care for you and their GC is also fucking awful!
I think you urgently need to stay away from them, any pressure, and advice anything from them. Make your own decisions. You are going to be no use falling apart. You need to prioritise your own mental well being and caring for your child. Your DH comes next. Ignore the first replies they were horrible! I know the country you moved to, I spent 10 years there, personally I would work on the assumption you need to create a life here in the UK, with you at the centre. Think about accommodation and work using the savings you have. As someone above said you shouldn't be taxed twice on income? If you get a bill here, the one on Switzerland shoukd be reduced? I know you love him send feel he needs you, but I think he, in his right mind at least, understands where your priorities have to lie.

I remember your thread.

DO NOT return to his home town or the children will acquire residency there for child arrangements proposes and you'll be stuck there until the youngest is 18.

Remain where you are, or go to London, or your own hometown, but not his.

There must be health cover with his job. where do you live ? what nationality is the employer ?

It may be depending on where you live abroad that the doctors speak English
You ned to check with his employer, there may even be funds for travel, & accommodation etc

Just want to chime in that’s SO important for people in any “caring” role to take a break for their own mental health.

OP can’t look after anyone if she breaks down too.

I know how stressful it is for you seeing him unwell, but you need to be there, not swanning off to your mum when things are difficult. That's sending a loud message to your husband that you don't care.

How can than not be interpreted badly!!

Not RTFT so excuse me if this has been asked @Evianfash40 but does the tax thing kick in if he’s signed off sick? Might be worth looking into. You need to sort that fast so it’s not hanging there because I imagine that’s a big worry for you even if it’s not for your husband right now.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a breakdown in my 20s after my first husband walked out on me and I was loopy, my parents were genuinely worried I would kill myself and there didn’t look like much prospect of recovery for what was in reality only around a year but which must have felt a good deal longer when I was crawling up the walls. You having to deal with this with a young child and unsupportive in-laws too is just ergh.

The right antidepressant and therapy helped me, so I’d focus on those two things first of all. My mum got a lot of help for me and herself through Mind. Their website is good and there’s a page here with links and info and there’s also a good online forumy area, I’ve heard. I had drinking issues so AA were also a huge help for me. Might be worth looking for support groups for anything like that your DH is struggling with.

Primarily my gut says you need to help him but that you also don’t need to be living with your in laws in the middle of this (especially not with the baby). Keep your base at your family home if you can. Thinking of you.

One thing I have done in my life which I have found invaluable is we have a family therapist who we access for advice. If I was you I would get one - let an experienced professional guide you on your priorties and how you can help him. Find one who meets by zoom and you can meet with them in whatever country you end up in.

Just re the tax point - you need to properly investigate this and check time spent in the UK in the last few years. He will not automatically establish residency here after 90 days - the 90 day figure refers to an average calculated over a number (I think 4) of tax years so it depends how many days he spent in the UK in other years. It was always 183 days in a single tax year before uk residence (for tax purposes) was established, unless things have changed.

Sorry I can’t advise on anything else but just wanted to mention this in case it gives you a bit of relief about the immediate situation.

Swanning off, what?? Pog100 that is a ridiculous thing to say.

OP you need to put on your own oxygen mask first and then make sure your dc is being cared for. Once that is sorted you can work out what is best between you and your DH.

You aren't a mental health professional and you aren't responsible for your DH's mental health.

The idea of a temporary rental near where DH is getting services isn't a bad one. He doesn't sound well enough to travel at present.

I have recently been through similar with my mother. You 100% need to make sure you are ok too-- it is so so hard, I know it first hand. That time away for you and your son is precious because that is what will give you the strength to cope with the rest.

It sounds like he needs more intervention. Are the crisis team useless? Ours were. Really he needs to directly tell them he is going to attempt to kill himself then then can offer him hospital space for him to recover, monitored. But if he doesnt say that to them himself they probably wont act (again, that is what happened with my situation).

So sorry, it is so very awful and hard. You must must must look after yourself too.

Also I want to point out that you can't help him. Nothing you do will make him feel better. The pain inside him, and he needs medical treatment for it.

Obviously help how you can but dont think that his recovery depends on your actions- whether you live with them or don't, whatever country you are in, none of that will cure him. Again, speaking from very hard experience.. Don't let your in laws tell you that either.

Well if you were abroad on his job that's clearly no longer an option. You need to rent somewhere and get job as you can't rely on him as an income earner atm ,now th job should probably be where you have childcare support, even if it means you travel to see your DH once/ twice a week. He can joinyou when he's better. And yes. Get his employer to help.

@endlesswinter

Swanning off, what?? Pog100 that is a ridiculous thing to say.

OP you need to put on your own oxygen mask first and then make sure your dc is being cared for. Once that is sorted you can work out what is best between you and your DH.

You aren't a mental health professional and you aren't responsible for your DH's mental health.

The idea of a temporary rental near where DH is getting services isn't a bad one. He doesn't sound well enough to travel at present.

I didn't say it! If you read the thread you will see I was pulling up the first person who responded and very much disagreeing with them. My quote didn't work though, it seems, and we all know Mumsnet doesn't have the wherewithal to edit

Sounds awful. Don't want to read and run. I happen to be doing a UK tax return right now (also live and work abroad). I see you can claim up to 60 additional days in the UK under "exceptional circumstances" such as an illness which prevented you from travelling. I'm no tax lawyer but might be worth looking into it and taking off some of the pressure.

@pog100 @PicsInRed I did post previously but asked mumsnet to take it down because I was paranoid his family might see it. You're right normally we are in Switzerland. His mum has rung me again today to ask when I'm going back, and I told her I was putting my foot down, I've only been home 5 days, I need support too and my son is my priority, my husband can't care for him right now and I need to protect my mental health to make sure I can care for my son. My husband is an adult and his parents and brothers can look after him. Both my son and I are full of flu too so it's just been lovely to be with my mum and be looked after. I told MIL it had been awful with DH and FIL and noone had helped to care for me or my son. My DH has my support, we speak all the time, he knows I'd come up in a flash if he needed me but I'm not the answer to fixing him, I'm out of my depth, he needs professional help, he's just stuck on this negative thought loop saying the same thing over and over again. It's crazy I took my DH to psych appt last week, FIL went to get his hair cut meet his mate in the pub, meanwhile my DH asked me to go to appt with him for support but I had noone to take care for my son so he came too, 10 mins into appt I had to leave because my son was crying. I just don't understand his family. But firmly told them I'm not being pressurised into going up to stay with them again after how unhelpful they were.
DH has really bad episode yesterday, his family rang me crying saying he had suicidal thoughts, someone from the crisis team came out to see him & prescribed new anti depressants alongside sleeping tablets & for the first time in 5/6 weeks he slept through, woke up so much better than he has been before. He had psych appt today & they got to the root of the problem which is changing jobs and his constant need for validation. He admitted to me that he only ever thinks about himself and how he feels and makes his decisions based on what's good for him not for us. I always felt he was selfish, he says he thinks we might be better off leaving him but I don't know if he means it or its his illness talking. I don't know how I feel anymore, exhausted with it. Sometimes I think my son and I are better off without him, its so sad he can't engage with my son at all, his mind is always elsewhere/self absorbed. I think I'm going to find my own therapist/counsellor for guidance & support. Unsurprisingly psych also realized alot of his issues are linked to his bad relationships with his dysfunctional family (I could have told him that - I only spent a week with his dad and felt my mental well being deteriorating rapidly - he was bloody awful)
We are speaking to a tax specialist tomorrow to see if there's any exemption so we can stay in UK.
I'm also going to look for a job in UK, I feel like I need some independence back and power I suppose.

In your situation OP I would leave. It's your job to protect your son from this. It's not your job to fix your husband who sounds narcissistic. I might sound heartless but why waste your one life on this man who it seems has little regard for your welfare or his son's.

That sounds positive OP.
You sound rested & clearer boundaries.
Doctors in Switzerland will speak English, its not like you were in the back end of Timbuktu.
His employer would have insurance to covered the costs. He could have got help faster where you were living.

@Mix56 we came back to UK as DH wanted to be with his family, we have swiss medical insurance so can get help of course there. But an extra complication is that he's employed by a UK company but has a Swiss contract. They told him they were setting up a Swiss office then once he'd started the job they changed their minds. Changed his employment status to something called an Anobag and cancelled his sickness insurance without telling him. Whilst they are being supportive theres not much else they are doing.

OP,

Glad to read you sound stronger.

Do not go near his family again.

This man is selfish and has told you he thinks only of himself?

The only person who cares about your son is you.

You need to keep your focus solely on him.

This is a damaged man that you cannot fix.

Apologies to be fatalistic here but do not sacrifice your baby's childhood for a man you cannot fix.

He has returned to his family, where they can support him.

Hopefully he will be helped, but stay away.

Stay with your mother, return to work and plan on supporting your innocent child who deserves a chance of a calm nurturing environment.

If you don't look after you you won't be able to look after anyone else. My dh had a breakdown when my ds was a newborn. It was hell. It impacted me so much I ended up with depression. Good luck xxxx

You sound much more together today OP, that's great. It's obviously because you've taken some control, made some hard decisions and put your child and you first. Continue along those lines, take all support from those who care about you and don't engage with those that don't. Your husband sounds fundamentally decent but self obsessed at the moment. He needs to heal independently and you need to develop independent means. It will feel good.
Unless you already have lots of friends there, I would stay away from Switzerland, I speak with 10 years experience there.

Just an update really. DH very up and down, rang me at 6am today saying he felt suicidal, like he's not getting better (it's been 7 wks and no progress) he is always worse in morning. Then by 4pm he said he felt the best he had done in a long time. Not sure what changed but he's very up and down.
In the meantime I'd posted on a family group WhatsApp about options available in Switzerland for him if he wants to transfer his care and avoid the UK income tax bill if he over stays his allowance.
His one brother was supportive and thought it was a good idea. His other brother just replied "over my dead body, he is not going to Switzerland, that is not an option"........... I mean I think that's quite rude, i was just suggesting other options to avoid the stress of the tax bill. So tomorrow morning when my husband wants a 6am chat about tax and suicide I'm going to tell him to ring his brother. I am so done with his family. Then this evening I get a text from his dad saying "who the f**k left my house in a state".......... I haven't been there for over a week. I expect as my husband has been staying with him it's probably him. But also just thought that was really rude. Also I'd asked DH to put some money in joint account so I could pay some bill and FIL told him not to. I mean its none of his business.
I've had MIL ringing me every day to ask when I'm getting the train up to see them, despite me telling her I've only been at my mums for a week and bedbound with flu last few days and looking after a sick toddler - thankfully now he's on antibiotics he's on the mend.
Am I being overly sensitive, is this normal behaviour?
Not to mention my husband and I got married secretly a year ago, DH didn't want to tell his family as we had a v low key wedding and he wanted to book a big wedding for everyone but covid and other stuff prevented that. So a few days ago DH told them the truth. And I've not heard from any of them. So I don't think it went down well.

No it's not normal. Most decent families appreciate the love and attention a spouse gives to their family member and also give them some deference when it comes to decisions which are going to affect the couple's lives forever. You seem to have the worst of both worlds here. As I said earlier I wouldn't be surprised if his family had a major role in not providing him with mental resilience.
I think what you are doing, which seems to be gradual withdrawal while you make your own decisions, is the wise one.