Husband having mental breakdown/suicidall

[Evianfash40]

No idea what to do. It's been 4 weeks since my husband had a mental breakdown. We live abroad with our 1 year old. I had to get his parents to fly out & take my husband back to UK because we had a week of him not sleeping, saying he was suicidal and he's been staying with them ever since. I spent 10 days with him and his family last week but it was too much with looking after my son too (who is poorly full of cough/cold) and the focus was all on my husband which it needs to be, I understand, but there was no support for me or help taking care of my son, so I'm at my mums elsewhere in the UK for a break and help with my son and for me I suppose.
We took my husband to A&E last weekend as he was at his worst, he's been feeling suicidal for the last 4 weeks. They were really good and he is now seeing a psychiatrist, mental health crisis team but he seems to be getting worse. He just keeps ringing me telling me he wants to end it. He was prescribed antidepressants escitalopram but it made him worse, he said he felt like he was going crazy so he came off them. So now he's on an anti psychotic - quetiapine, a sleeping tablet and valium. But somehow he is just worse. I don't know how to best support him. His family are putting pressure on me to go back to stay with them, saying he needs me. They are also pressuring me to move back to his hometown which I don't want to do, it's so far from my home. And I want to help him but i felt so isolated & alone when I stayed there last week. I was trying to look after my son, help my husband, cook, take my husband to his appointments whilst looking after my son, my son won't nap or sleep now we're not home and I don't think it's good for him to be around my husband when hes in this state - he's crawling round on his hand and knees saying he wants to end it. Noone offered to help, if I needed to shower had to take my son with me to bathroom, had to take him with me into my husbands psyc appt. My husband is unable to help with childcare, he says he is so self absorbed and can't think about anyone else. I've not slept. I'm on the verge of cracking up myself. I just don't know what to do for the best.
I gave up my career to move overseas and be with my husband 18 months ago so I'm not working. To make matters worse as we are overseas my husband is only allowed in UK for 90 tax days per year then has to pay UK income tax on his overseas income and he's almost out of days which means he either needs to leave the UK by end of the month or pay a 50k tax bill. If he leaves can't come back before April. I know his health is the priority but I also know he's in this negative thought spiral and a 50k tax bill will make him worse. I'm also battling with my father in law who is a really difficult character, when I took my husband to A&E only one person was allowed in with him (me) but father in law kicked up a fuss refusing to leave, caused a big scene upset my husband, also told him to cancel his counselling appts as it was a waste of time, I could go on but generally not a nice person or positive influence.
What should I do? This all seems to have been triggered by my husband changing jobs and not liking the new job, says he has lost his identity, wants his old job back and can't get it back.

Hi OP I'm not sure what you best options are but I thought I'd add this to the mix in case you can't get a place in Switzerland or it's crazy expensive (like most other things in Switzerland!). It's the U Center in The Netherlands. It takes international clients and operates in English too (there's a Dutch part but I think that's separate). It's residential. It's not far from Cologne & Düsseldorf in Germany and about 1.5 hr drive from Brussels. Ie easily reachable from various airports. I'm not sure about waiting times and covid etc but might be worth contacting them to see if it could be an option. Obviously it's not where you're either living or staying, but just another option.

He's not going to get better staying at his parents'. Not significantly - although the medication will help when it's the correct one. Living with them from only what you've described of his father is enough to make anybody with good mental health depressed and anxious, never mind arriving there feeling bad. They're very controlling too so the sooner you can get him away the better tor your relationship. But you also need not to be responsible for him - it's too much. So if residential could be an option, it could be quite helpful.

www.u-center.eu/who-we-treat/

Good luck.

OP I'm really sorry you and your husband are going through this.

I'm getting the strong impression that your husband's family are the root cause of the issues he's had in his life and ultimately his mental breakdown. I don't think he'll be able to heal properly while staying with them.

Does he think like this, or is he still enmeshed in thinking that they know what's best for him?

I really hope you have your own support network IRL, and maybe allies in his family who aren't like his mum and dad. Please don't be afraid to reach out to IRL friends. You may not think they want to be burdened with your problems but you'd be surprised at how many people will step up when a friend is in need.

OP

His family are awful.
Stay away from them.

Tell your FIL to mind his own business concerning your family finances.

I think you need to be more proactive regarding access to family money.

Tell him to ring his brother if he needs an early morning call.

He is consumed by himself, tell him you are caring for his sick child.

Just an update, thanks for all the advice really appreciated. DH seems to have improved slightly. I'm still at my mums despite MIL ringing me every day telling me my husband needs me. Last night I had to take my toddler to A&E because he's been so poorly for last 3 wks ear & chest infection not clearing, fever, night sweats, 2nd lot of antibiotics, tonight he vomited everywhere. So I told her again, my son takes priority & I'm not doing a 5 hour train journey with a sick child. I've only just started feeling better myself.
I will go up and see my DH once we are all well enough to travel. Spoke to DH therapist from crisis team and she thinks that it's not doing him any good being with family and said she thought they were 'toxic and controlling', she thinks we need our own space and I agree. DH and I have spoken tonight and we think he could be admitted into a Swiss clinic as an inpatient if we return & it's covered by insurance, would have made sense to do that in beginning. He feels we are currently just delaying the inevitable return/normality and should just try it. Current living arrangements are not sustainable - can't live with a toddler out of a suitcase and parents spare room. Not sure how I feel about spending Christmas alone in Switzerland whilst my husband is in a psychiatric clinic but it's just one day of the year and if it means he can get better it's doesn't matter. He feels once crisis team go he won't have any support anyway.
If we stay in UK might trigger UK tax bill, have sought advice from tax advisors but had conflicting info so nothing concrete.
DH still seems self absorbed/consumed by his thoughts, he's not really been bothered about our son being unwell, he says he can't deal with the noise our son makes (tends to grunt alot when frustrated) and think it doesn't help his moods. I didn't know what to say to that to be honest. Not sure how we will cope if we go back to Switzerland, on one hand would be good to have normality/be in our own space but on other hand not sure how we cope alone without support. I guess if he's in a clinic then that helps to some extent.
Not spoken to FIL. Told DH I thought his dad was an awful human. He agrees. FIL admitted to DH he had a problem with me and us getting married. Lovely

I think he should return to Switzerland and the clinic on his own.

You stay with your mother.

This will be best for you and therefore your child.

Your son annoys him and he is utterly wrapped up in himself.

Tell him go back on his own.

Stay put with your mother.