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Original poster

If a man is into you...

102 replies

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 10:56

You'll know.

It doesn't matter if he's busy working, having childcare issues, dealing with a mad ex wife, recovering from an operation, being there for his friend who really needs him right now, having car trouble, having phone trouble, getting ready for a trip, in a shit place mentally... whatever he has going on... if you're on his mind and he is interested... he will show you.

If he's "not ready for a relationship right now" all that means is he doesn't want to be with you.

If he's "busy" all that means is he is too busy for you.

If he doesn't get in touch it's not because of any excuse above. It's not because he's been kidnapped by a unicorn or turned into a frog by an evil witch. It's because he doesn't want to. If your date was so great he will see how high your value is and he won't want anyone else to take his spot. If you are being treated properly you will feel confident, attractive and secure.

It's hard not to be hurt by being mistreated, but it's not hard at all to refuse to tolerate it.

There are absolutely no excuses whatsoever. If a man is under prioritising you, if he's under valuing you - stop over analysing it, stop making excuses for him. Remember who you are and tell him to fuck off.

Glad I got that off my chest. Have a good day 😊

OP posts:
highlighta · 04/12/2021 18:47

@Campfirewood

Having worked mainly with men all my working life, I agree Op. I’ve got some great advice from them over the years… One said to me once ‘if there’s doubt there is no doubt’. Same as everyone has said, If he’s interested. You’ll know!
*One said to me once ‘if there’s doubt there is no doubt’. Same as everyone has said, If he’s interested. You’ll know!*

Agree with this.

Bluewater1 · 04/12/2021 18:53

My friend said, imagine if this guy was treating me this way, would you think it was okay or not? If not, why is it okay for this guy to treat you this way?

Aimee1987 · 04/12/2021 19:25

@ICanSeeARainbow123

Why should he text you first?

Because... he just should!

I was with you up untill this point. I would say after 3 dates your dating and if you wanted to talk to him you could have text him. In my experience men are as bad at playing games ( some alot worse) then women. I started OLD when I had a large amount of Male friends ( my uni course was very Male dominated) and they were worse for mind games then my female friends. The you have to wait x amount of time to text or your too keen ect. It's all bullshit. I would say yes in my opinion a guy will show if they are interested but there is also a degree of reason. If I text DP and he doesnt answer me for 8 hours I dont think hes ignoring me I think hes busy at work and the same was said in the first few weeks of dating. If you had text this guy and he didnt answer for a week then I would see where your coming from.
Milomonster · 04/12/2021 20:33

@crackofdoom ohh gawwwd have we talking to the same guy??? Sounds much like my “situation”!

WoodyBrambles · 04/12/2021 20:53

Thank you very much, I really needed to hear this today. You’re spot on and I need to stop wasting my time. I’m taking a screen shot too! Xx

crackofdoom · 04/12/2021 21:04

milomonster I dunno, maybe! Are you in the SW??

FMSucks · 04/12/2021 21:18

My friends mum always used to tell us that a man should love you more than you love him. I used to think it was hogwash until I married a man whom I loved more than he loved me, I knew that deep down, I really did. Turns out she was right

MrsBrew005 · 04/12/2021 21:51

Thank you, I kicked out my fiance and father of my kids of 14 years yesterday for these reasons and more. Feeling so so sad today and I needed to read that injection of reality especially as he is trying to make excuses to come back, ill never give my whole heart to someone again unless I know I'm getting the same in return. And your right, if he truly loved me, he would have treated me as a priority, not a live in maid.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 04/12/2021 23:00

@supercali77

Yeah agreed. Men don't overanalyse whether you're being coy. Its not like allowing a man to make most of the first moves means you lie back passively. You do give back, show your interest. Its an escalating thing. Noone here seems to be suggesting being a prima Donna is a good idea. IRL rather than online dating it was established women typically make the first move but its covert. They'll 'look', hold a gaze a little longer than usual but they don't approach. The man then does the overt move typically if interested.
I'm a bloke, and it really depends - there is some truth in what @DillonPanthersTexas said. Fine, if you're encouraging with covert signals, like you said. But blowing hot one minute and cold the next generally puts me off. I feel like... why does it have to be this complicated? I'm in my forties now, not 16 for goodness sake. Can't we just be straightforward?

So, yeah, if that happens I tend to assume they're not really into me and leave it there. I've got better things to do with my life than get embroiled with trying to second-guess people's motives.

DillonPanthersTexas · 05/12/2021 10:08

They really don’t. Most blokes i know don’t think about these things to death like we do! They’ll just assume you’re busy and that makes you more attractive. You have your own life and aren’t desperately hankering after the first person to show you attention

Showing a basic interest in someone is hardly a sign of hankering for attention. In the past post date I have sometimes received a ' I had a really nice time' message, other times I have sent something similar. I like to think that grown ups can articulate their feelings or thoughts without fear of being judged as too keen or desperate. If a potential partner is only responding to messages and calls rather then initiating them I would get the impression they only have lukewarm interest in me and I would probably move on. Who wants to be treated with vague indifference?

FoxgloveSummers · 05/12/2021 10:09

@5128gap I think you’re right, if a relationship or dating is going wrong I think the woman’s friends or family often take the approach of “how have you fucked this up?” Or “you should have done x differently”. Which can lead some women to tie themselves in crazy knots to compensate for the man’s failings or lack of interest.

I don’t agree about the messaging though, I would and have messaged first because I never shut up… For me this message is more about good to and fro communication, wanting to be seen out and about with you, securing the next date, telling family and friends about you etc etc. all good positive signs that someone likes you.

Findwen · 05/12/2021 10:09

I am a man, I am also fortunate not to have needed to start dating in a couple of decades.

If that should ever come to pass, I would be very aware of the whole 'Me too' movement. That doesn't mean I would not approach, but if someone I was keen on and had a seen a couple of times only responded to me rather than initiate anything at all - I would be wondering if she is nice to me due to female socialisation (or possibly even fear due their past experiences) rather than actually liking me.

If she showed only interest when I have contacted her first, I think I would take the hint and call it a day.

Whiskeyandwine · 05/12/2021 10:25

@DillonPanthersTexas

They really don’t. Most blokes i know don’t think about these things to death like we do! They’ll just assume you’re busy and that makes you more attractive. You have your own life and aren’t desperately hankering after the first person to show you attention

Showing a basic interest in someone is hardly a sign of hankering for attention. In the past post date I have sometimes received a ' I had a really nice time' message, other times I have sent something similar. I like to think that grown ups can articulate their feelings or thoughts without fear of being judged as too keen or desperate. If a potential partner is only responding to messages and calls rather then initiating them I would get the impression they only have lukewarm interest in me and I would probably move on. Who wants to be treated with vague indifference?

I’m saying that you are excited to hear from them and show that on dates too, that’s not vague indifference at all
Whiskeyandwine · 05/12/2021 10:28

I also think men **think they would be put off but if they actually liked someone they wouldn’t in reality.
Yes, if the whole relationship was one sided contact, of course. That’s crap!
We are talking about the initial dating of a few weeks here, until exclusive.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/12/2021 10:34

@MrsBrew005

Thank you, I kicked out my fiance and father of my kids of 14 years yesterday for these reasons and more. Feeling so so sad today and I needed to read that injection of reality especially as he is trying to make excuses to come back, ill never give my whole heart to someone again unless I know I'm getting the same in return. And your right, if he truly loved me, he would have treated me as a priority, not a live in maid.
Good. Make sure he stays out.
TerraNovaTwo · 05/12/2021 10:53

Unfortunately as a single woman - whether you are dating or choosing to remain single - there are a lot of creeps (sex pests, narcs, psychos, etc) out there who will very much be 'into you'. 🤷‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 05/12/2021 11:13

@Findwen

I am a man, I am also fortunate not to have needed to start dating in a couple of decades.

If that should ever come to pass, I would be very aware of the whole 'Me too' movement. That doesn't mean I would not approach, but if someone I was keen on and had a seen a couple of times only responded to me rather than initiate anything at all - I would be wondering if she is nice to me due to female socialisation (or possibly even fear due their past experiences) rather than actually liking me.

If she showed only interest when I have contacted her first, I think I would take the hint and call it a day.

That's an interesting point...
gannett · 05/12/2021 11:46

@FMSucks

My friends mum always used to tell us that a man should love you more than you love him. I used to think it was hogwash until I married a man whom I loved more than he loved me, I knew that deep down, I really did. Turns out she was right
More normal is not measuring who loves who more than the other???

This thread is bonkers. I'm so glad it bears no relation to my social circle or lived reality.

Milomonster · 05/12/2021 12:29

@FMSucks

My friends mum always used to tell us that a man should love you more than you love him. I used to think it was hogwash until I married a man whom I loved more than he loved me, I knew that deep down, I really did. Turns out she was right
Naaah I don’t buy this. How does one possibly quantify this. You judge on words on actions.
Inthesameboatatmo · 05/12/2021 12:48

After OLD for the last 15 months I can say it's true op .

Onelifeonly · 05/12/2021 13:03

Who wants someone to love you more than you love him? Makes them seem soppy and over attentive and you irritated. It's got to be equal, whatever than means.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 05/12/2021 13:51

@FMSucks

My friends mum always used to tell us that a man should love you more than you love him. I used to think it was hogwash until I married a man whom I loved more than he loved me, I knew that deep down, I really did. Turns out she was right
Umm… You don’t think that maybe equally might not be the healthier option?
coronaway · 05/12/2021 16:45

Surely this only works if you're a real catch (unless you're not selective as to which men you want to go out with)?

The sort of men I'm attractive to have a lot going for them and tend not to be short on offers.

I think this advice is outdated and comes across quite sexist the more I think about it tbh.

BraveGoldie · 05/12/2021 17:07

The point is not about playing hard to get or needing him to prioritise you over his children or adore you more than vice versa. I think the original point is more specific than that.

If a man is hot and cold/ says lovely things sometimes but then vanishes/ makes lots of excuses for treating you badly or not being around or it not being the right time to commit, or gets arsey or absent as soon as you actually need something that's not fun for him..... then it's a pretty safe conclusion that he isn't a great person and also isn't that into you.

In these circumstances, please please don't hang on because he said he really liked you in a text one day, he is nice to your dog, he brought you flowers, he says he was terribly busy for those ten days he disappeared, or his grandma is apparently ill. Please please believe what he is showing you , rather than clinging to the odd good sign.

If a guy really likes you once you are already interacting, and you yourself are not playing games, he will not do these things. If he is doing these things, then he doesn't give much of a damn or worse, he's trying to play mind games to get you full of self doubt.... and you deserve better.

This still holds even in early days before a deep attachment is formed. A decent person who respects you and has interest in you doesn't vanish for no reason. Even when with their children, he would drop you a note when they are watching a movie or once they are in bed, if you have dropped them a line/ asked a question. It's the minimum courtesy.

Whiskeyandwine · 05/12/2021 17:38

@BraveGoldie I agree, it takes 30 seconds to send ‘thinking about you/miss you’ text . Too many women accept scraps of contact or make excuses like he’s shy, works hectic, he’s not a big texter.