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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If a man is into you...

102 replies

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 10:56

You'll know.

It doesn't matter if he's busy working, having childcare issues, dealing with a mad ex wife, recovering from an operation, being there for his friend who really needs him right now, having car trouble, having phone trouble, getting ready for a trip, in a shit place mentally... whatever he has going on... if you're on his mind and he is interested... he will show you.

If he's "not ready for a relationship right now" all that means is he doesn't want to be with you.

If he's "busy" all that means is he is too busy for you.

If he doesn't get in touch it's not because of any excuse above. It's not because he's been kidnapped by a unicorn or turned into a frog by an evil witch. It's because he doesn't want to. If your date was so great he will see how high your value is and he won't want anyone else to take his spot. If you are being treated properly you will feel confident, attractive and secure.

It's hard not to be hurt by being mistreated, but it's not hard at all to refuse to tolerate it.

There are absolutely no excuses whatsoever. If a man is under prioritising you, if he's under valuing you - stop over analysing it, stop making excuses for him. Remember who you are and tell him to fuck off.

Glad I got that off my chest. Have a good day 😊

OP posts:
Gwennid · 04/12/2021 14:31

"He hasn't asked you out because he thinks you're too good for him"

"He hasn't rung you because he doesn't want to look too keen".

"He hasn't messaged you because he's waiting for you to message him".

Three helpful things your friends will tell you. They don't actually believe them either.

Timeforwinterclothes · 04/12/2021 14:36

When I met my DH he was working a 12 hour day with 140 miles round trip. After our first date he always called me as soon as he got home from work even though he was hungry and exhausted. That's how I knew he was interested.

Animood · 04/12/2021 14:37

Agree with everything you have said OP.

Men aren't subtle. If they want a relationship with you they will make it so abundantly clear. If they want to get married they will tell you and scope out your opinion. Same with kids. If they want to have kids with you they will tell you and will talk about timings, parenting etc.

If they don't text, call, arrange dates or talk about future it's because they're not keen.

Campfirewood · 04/12/2021 14:51

Having worked mainly with men all my working life, I agree Op. I’ve got some great advice from them over the years…
One said to me once ‘if there’s doubt there is no doubt’.
Same as everyone has said, If he’s interested. You’ll know!

changingchanges2 · 04/12/2021 14:53

Yes.

Just like that film He's Just Not That In To You

frozendaisy · 04/12/2021 14:53

This all makes women, as a whole group lumped together, sound like wet drips.

Big strong, manly man do hunting.

Real life just isn't like this. Thank god.

furbabymama87 · 04/12/2021 14:57

Yes I agree. I got sick of waiting round for men who would be lucky to have me and who I could do a damn sight better than. As soon as I met my now husband he made it clear he wanted me. He told me and followed up with his actions. For once I wasn't someone's dirty little secret and I was introduced to his family and friends and people knew we were together.

yossell · 04/12/2021 14:57

This is regressive tosh.

People are complicated. Even men. People have insecurities. Even men. People can misread the signals. Even men.

I don't deny that there are many posts where it's clear that the man isn't interested and the poster finds it too hard to accept. But these generalisations are wrong and very depressing to still see in 2020.

Whiskeyandwine · 04/12/2021 15:04

I think a lot of women think letting a guy set the pace early on is an affront to equality. It really isn’t. It protects a woman more than anything. All those flaky men, users and those just after sex are weeded out pretty fast and you’re hopefully left with the ones who genuinely want to have a relationship with one woman - you.

rookiemere · 04/12/2021 15:09

It may sound sexist, but it generally proves to be true.

When I met my now DH through online dating, he booked our next date at the end of the first one and within a fee weeks was asking if I wanted DCs in the future. He asked me to marry him about 9 months after we met.

Mudflaps · 04/12/2021 15:41

Or he could be love bombing?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 04/12/2021 15:46

@ICanSeeARainbow123

Why should he text you first?

Because... he just should!

Because he should isn't a reason.
Original poster
ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 15:54

Well. On the "Rob" thing at least... on our third date I had invited him into my home. I cooked for him and made an effort etc. So I think under those circumstances, it would have been courteous for him to text first and say thank you etc. Maybe right, maybe wrong. But I believe a decent man would have the emotional intelligence and consideration to recognise that too.

OP posts:
KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 04/12/2021 15:59

@ICanSeeARainbow123

Well. On the "Rob" thing at least... on our third date I had invited him into my home. I cooked for him and made an effort etc. So I think under those circumstances, it would have been courteous for him to text first and say thank you etc. Maybe right, maybe wrong. But I believe a decent man would have the emotional intelligence and consideration to recognise that too.
Now that I agree with.
Honeyroar · 04/12/2021 16:09

It’s not just men. Women who aren’t keen an be flaky too. It works both ways. If anyone is seriously interested in someone else they show it. Return calls, be courteous, think about them. Even someone who has a lot going on in their life, or kids to prioritise, can show they’re interested.

PinkTonic · 04/12/2021 16:19

Because he should isn't a reason

Whether you like it or not, leaving him to make the effort increases your value. If you do the chasing it’s definitely more likely he’ll just go along with it until someone better comes along. If you’re ok with that, fair enough.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 04/12/2021 16:34

@PinkTonic

Because he should isn't a reason

Whether you like it or not, leaving him to make the effort increases your value. If you do the chasing it’s definitely more likely he’ll just go along with it until someone better comes along. If you’re ok with that, fair enough.

That's a sweeping statement though. I've mentioned twice on this thread that my best relationships were the ones where I asked them out first, and then we MUTUALLY were interested in each other and both made the same effort.

The one time I was 'chased' was by my exh who ultimately cheated on me and I had to leave due to his abuse. One size doesn't fit all.

billy1966 · 04/12/2021 16:56

@wannabeamummysobad

Best saying I ever heard and realised this when I met my now DH

"If he wants you you'll know. If he doesn't you'll be confused".

When DD is of an age I'll tell her the same. Will save a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Agree.

So simple, so true.

crackofdoom · 04/12/2021 16:58

I‘ve got a tricky one- well, I have finally decided on my course of action over several months, but let’s hear all of you tell me what I don’t want to hear:

“Met” someone online several months ago. Chat chat chat chat, amazing intellectual spark, so much in common. We discussed meeting up within days, but first I had childcare issues, and then…. He is working a lot(13 hour days, sometimes 7 days a week) and renovating his entire house at top speed to boot, determined to put it on the market ASAP. I think about 4 times now we have had the same conversation- me: “Right, I really like you, but is there any point in continuing to chat- are you ever going to want to spend time with me?” Him: “I am completely overwhelmed right now, but hang on a few weeks/ months, I’m really trying to get to a better place and then we can meet up for XYZ”. And then we will carry on chatting- chat chat chat, typing over each other, every subject under the sun- we just have so much to say. Recently it has become more and more me initiating these conversations, but he usually answers very quickly indeed, and we’ll be off chatting for hours again.

We have actually met 3 times now- all at his house for a friendly cup of tea- which I NEVER do normally, but I know for him it’s fine. The last couple of times was just to pick up some stuff he was giving away though.

He came off all the apps shortly after we met, because he says he just doesn’t have time/ bandwidth to be talking to people on them at the moment.

Oh, and he’s autistic ( as am I), with social anxiety to boot.

I made a conscious decision to remain talking to him for some time. For me, it felt empowering to be open and upfront about what I wanted, and it still feels good to have done that even if, basically, it’s failed 😞 I think, especially as someone who has been in abusive relationships in the past, sitting around waiting to be “chosen”, rather than taking the agency to make an active choice, can be dangerous and damaging.

I should point out that I have also continued dating other people during all this time, although none of them hold a candle to him.

However, I feel the time has come now to stop making efforts to keep the conversation going. Perhaps he’ll genuinely come back to me one day, perhaps he won’t, but I’ve given it a good shot (which for me has been healing), and it’s time to stop keeping him at the forefront of my mind.

Mermaidwaves · 04/12/2021 16:59

I agree 100%!!!

Common excuses I've experienced have been;

My mum/dad is suddenly ill

I'm very busy at work right now

I'm not sure if I want a relationship, I just want casual

All variations of these, all were not into me. A few got into relationships with women they did like very shortly after.

If a man is making excuses, he's not into you.

Poppins88 · 04/12/2021 17:02

"Even painfully shy guys will make it known if they like someone. So many threads on here ‘ask him out’, ‘text him first it’s not the 1950s’ all end in rejection. It’s really simple actually, if a man likes you he will show it and you won’t have to do any chasing, wondering or have any angst about it.
Fine for 50:50 once in a relationship but let the man show you how he feels first before letting your heart and mind get carried away - as that’s a sure way to feel the pain of rejection"

YES! This is so so true. Funnily enough I said exactly this on another thread & quite a few posters took umbrage so I'm pleasantly surprised to see so many posters agreeing today!

DillonPanthersTexas · 04/12/2021 17:24

Whether you like it or not, leaving him to make the effort increases your value

Or, it decreases your value, playing the passive coy I'm not doing any chasing card just makes many blokes conclude that, well, you are not that bothered or even worse, playing games, an even bigger turn off.

Animood · 04/12/2021 17:33

I agree that it's sexist.

However it's also true! If a man wants you, they will do everything they can to tie you down.

Whiskeyandwine · 04/12/2021 17:55

@DillonPanthersTexas

Whether you like it or not, leaving him to make the effort increases your value

Or, it decreases your value, playing the passive coy I'm not doing any chasing card just makes many blokes conclude that, well, you are not that bothered or even worse, playing games, an even bigger turn off.

They really don’t. Most blokes i know don’t think about these things to death like we do! They’ll just assume you’re busy and that makes you more attractive. You have your own life and aren’t desperately hankering after the first person to show you attention. You show you’re bothered by being enthusiastic when you text back or when you’re on a date
supercali77 · 04/12/2021 18:11

Yeah agreed. Men don't overanalyse whether you're being coy. Its not like allowing a man to make most of the first moves means you lie back passively. You do give back, show your interest. Its an escalating thing. Noone here seems to be suggesting being a prima Donna is a good idea. IRL rather than online dating it was established women typically make the first move but its covert. They'll 'look', hold a gaze a little longer than usual but they don't approach. The man then does the overt move typically if interested.