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Original poster

If a man is into you...

102 replies

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 10:56

You'll know.

It doesn't matter if he's busy working, having childcare issues, dealing with a mad ex wife, recovering from an operation, being there for his friend who really needs him right now, having car trouble, having phone trouble, getting ready for a trip, in a shit place mentally... whatever he has going on... if you're on his mind and he is interested... he will show you.

If he's "not ready for a relationship right now" all that means is he doesn't want to be with you.

If he's "busy" all that means is he is too busy for you.

If he doesn't get in touch it's not because of any excuse above. It's not because he's been kidnapped by a unicorn or turned into a frog by an evil witch. It's because he doesn't want to. If your date was so great he will see how high your value is and he won't want anyone else to take his spot. If you are being treated properly you will feel confident, attractive and secure.

It's hard not to be hurt by being mistreated, but it's not hard at all to refuse to tolerate it.

There are absolutely no excuses whatsoever. If a man is under prioritising you, if he's under valuing you - stop over analysing it, stop making excuses for him. Remember who you are and tell him to fuck off.

Glad I got that off my chest. Have a good day 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 11:37

@OrlandointheWilderness

I think the essence of this is sound, but it's a bit oversimplistic. Sometimes people really are just too busy! I know I get like that. I haven't seen my bf for two weeks as he has had covid. He was out of isolation yesterday and I was technically free but I didn't go and see him. Why?! Because I have a bloody important essay due that I am behind on and really struggling to find the time for, I simply did not have time. I am incredibly into him.
But if you are incredibly into him he will know this and you will have communicated to him that you are temporarily distracted, instead of letting the patterns change with no explanation and leaving him feeling confused and bewildered. That's the difference.
OP posts:
Original poster
ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 11:47

The post is mainly aimed at women who are in the very early stages of dating or are post first date, who come on here writing every excuse under the sun as to why that guy they've been chatting to online hasn't called to arrange a second date nearly a week after the first. It makes my shit itch.

I had a few dates with "Rob" a few years ago. After the third date a full week went by before he eventually sent some sheepish text about him being so busy at work. My reply was "Look Rob, I meant what I said I don't want to be rushing into anything with anyone I only want to get to know someone slowly and steadily. But at the same time there does need to be a certain level of interest and to go a week without a hello just isn't for me. So no hard feelings but I won't be seeing you again".

A few months later Rob met "Lucy" and they have now blended their families and bought their dream home together - I would bet my savings account he didn't wait a week before contacting her.

Don't ever delude yourself.

OP posts:
Whiskeyandwine · 04/12/2021 11:51

@BungleandGeorge obviously you wouldn’t be blanking them and would be showing you like them in replies to texts or when on dates etc you just don’t need to run after them or start long angst filled threads analysing why they haven’t text for a week. It’s obvious why in 99% of cases- they aren’t into you

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 04/12/2021 11:54

If I'm into a guy I will 100% not wait for him to make the first move. Never had a rejection yet. I'll also text if he's quiet, and if there's no response then that's my answer. When you dated 'Rob' why didn't you message him earlier? Maybe he thought it was YOU who wasn't into HIM? Why should he risk his feelings? Why should he text you first? He can be into you plenty but if he's unsure of whether you're also interested why should he be throwing himself at you?

To add, I'm single by choice atm. My 2 most successful relationships were with men whom I asked out first.

When I left it to fate, I ended up with my exh who asked me out instantly and made all the right noises, regular texting in the early days, totally swept me off my feet and (after reading that book) I thought 'he's just sooo into me!' I'm 'the exception'.

Later found out thanks to MN that this is called love bombing and it's a huge red flag. In fact he was a walking red flag but it took me 5 years to figure that out.

BungleandGeorge · 04/12/2021 11:55

[quote Whiskeyandwine]@BungleandGeorge obviously you wouldn’t be blanking them and would be showing you like them in replies to texts or when on dates etc you just don’t need to run after them or start long angst filled threads analysing why they haven’t text for a week. It’s obvious why in 99% of cases- they aren’t into you[/quote]
I thought you meant before you started dating. Yes I agree afterwards it’s more straightforward!

BungleandGeorge · 04/12/2021 12:00

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange wish I had that confidence! Were you pretty sure they liked you before you asked them out though?

Original poster
ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 12:04

Why should he text you first?

Because... he just should!

OP posts:
Whiskeyandwine · 04/12/2021 12:07

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange
In my experience you might end up in a relationship with a guy you chase but they are lazy in the relationship. They never worked to get you and it was easy. That’s my experience but sure you’ll tell me different Grin
There’s no accounting for love bombers, they are just weirdos right. Can’t rule out all the normal guys with normal reactions because of those ones !

Jacketpotato84 · 04/12/2021 12:09

Thankyou op, I needed this today Daffodil

GreenLunchBox · 04/12/2021 12:14

@Gwennid

Many threads on MN would be over in 2 minutes if posters accepted this, which would be a shame really. Wink
Grin
ilssagain · 04/12/2021 12:18

I agree with all of this except for the childcare issues.
I'd think badly of a man who was prioritizing a woman he's only just met over caring for his own children.
If you want to be with a man with children you have to accept that his children always come first. That does not mean he should use the children as an excuse to piss you about - absolutely not.

But the rest of it - yes, if a man is interested he will show you and you won't need to overthink it.

I've got a bit of something going on with a man at the moment who has a very serious life-limiting condition. We both like each other very much but he often has weeks where he is completely knocked out by treatment and I don't hear from him at all. I message him while this is going on but don't expect an answer.
However, the whole thing has no long term future really and we are both having to deal with feelings for each other but without the possibility of it turning into a relationship.
(Fuck my life - so typical...)
So even if a man is ill/having operations/chemo whatever, if he really likes you he will let you know, even if you have to accept it can't be more.
Random things like him having wisdom teeth out or something and then disappearing for several weeks without contacting you or a string of minor medical complaints which seem to knock him out for days on end would indicate he's just not that interested in you.

FrancescaContini · 04/12/2021 12:22

@frozendaisy

This all sounds so one sided. Like it's the man who displays the behaviour that determines the relationship.

Could also say "once the fun stops, stop"

Agree. Makes the woman seem passive and needy.

I’d say- if a man wants you and makes it clear, make sure you really want him, too - for himself, not out of a sense of relief that you’re wanted.

Gameshoe · 04/12/2021 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryBlossomPink · 04/12/2021 12:28

Totally agree, I’m in a long distance relationship, my boyfriend works ridiculous hours yet messages and calls without fail every day. Sometimes it’s a 2 word “miss you” message if he’s busy but I always get them. He also calls me to rush me goodnight without fail - he wants to be the last voice I hear before I go to sleep - I never wonder about his feelings as he makes it so clear he wants me and he’s thinking of me.

gannett · 04/12/2021 12:28

I'm going to dissent on this one I'm afraid. Like all advice that takes "men are like THIS, women are like THAT" is a starting point, it's bollocks based on a false premise.

I've known men who are so shy, unconfident, repressed or any combination of the above that they've been petrified of showing women they're into them. As a friend it's frustrating to see them sit on their hands whenever there's an opportunity, and this affects areas of their life beyond their lovelives. They're the quiet, uncharismatic sort who most women barely notice because their default is to be very quiet and unobtrusive.

I've also known women who are oblivious to any signs that a man could possibly be into them so this is erroneous in both directions.

And it also doesn't take into account the timeframe when a man doesn't know if he's into you. It's pretty unreasonable to expect anyone to drop everything and prioritise you after a few dates when they barely know you. Realising you're into someone isn't an instantaneous thing, it's gradual and can take months. That's the case for me, anyway, so I assume it can be the case for men.

CherryBlossomPink · 04/12/2021 12:29

*Wish me goodnight!

FlibbertyGibbitt · 04/12/2021 12:30

He’s the hunter, you’re the prize ! A bit 1950s but 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 12:33

@ilssagain

I agree with all of this except for the childcare issues. I'd think badly of a man who was prioritizing a woman he's only just met over caring for his own children. If you want to be with a man with children you have to accept that his children always come first. That does not mean he should use the children as an excuse to piss you about - absolutely not.

But the rest of it - yes, if a man is interested he will show you and you won't need to overthink it.

I've got a bit of something going on with a man at the moment who has a very serious life-limiting condition. We both like each other very much but he often has weeks where he is completely knocked out by treatment and I don't hear from him at all. I message him while this is going on but don't expect an answer.
However, the whole thing has no long term future really and we are both having to deal with feelings for each other but without the possibility of it turning into a relationship.
(Fuck my life - so typical...)
So even if a man is ill/having operations/chemo whatever, if he really likes you he will let you know, even if you have to accept it can't be more.
Random things like him having wisdom teeth out or something and then disappearing for several weeks without contacting you or a string of minor medical complaints which seem to knock him out for days on end would indicate he's just not that interested in you.

I agree, children come first. But you should come second. That's not to say both parties shouldn't have lives and friends and interests of their own. But if someone is serious about you, you will feel wanted, valued and reassured. If a man - or woman for that matter - is busy focusing on important things you'll know about it because they will have respected you enough to tell you instead of leaving you feeling worried and neglected. In my last relationship I went quiet for a few days because I was busy. I still messaged him but he noticed the pattern had dropped and he asked me if everything was okay. I immediately replied and reassured him everything was fine and I was just having a mad week. It took thirty seconds to make him feel better.
OP posts:
gannett · 04/12/2021 12:34

@FlibbertyGibbitt

He’s the hunter, you’re the prize ! A bit 1950s but 🤷‍♀️
Christ, surely people don't really believe this shit.
Idolovetrees · 04/12/2021 12:36

👏 👏

outingpostsoncdforthis · 04/12/2021 12:39

This is common sense whether the op read it or not. Who cares? What op is saying is true and factually correct.
Women should not have to read it to know it but a multi million sales of her book, it's clearly needed.
Maybe because op is now experiencing this , in comparison to past partners, he/ she feels that they want to tell the world
How simple and straightforward this information is .

MistyFrequencies · 04/12/2021 12:39

Thank god. This is sooo true. I feel really sad each time one of my single friends makes these type of excuses early on in dating. When I met my now husband I was ridiculously busy. Literally one week I just had no spare time, so he met me at a bus stop and rode the bus to the airport with me. Just so he could see me for an hour.
If they want you, you will know. No exceptions. No excuses.

5128gap · 04/12/2021 12:46

@FoxgloveSummers

Why does this obvious point so often get overlooked I wonder
Because of all the people, (SO many on here) who try to convince a woman she is insecure, controlling, hard work, needy and demanding for wanting almost anything whatsoever from a man. Because men must be allowed to set the pace and agenda, to decide how frequently to message, how often to see you and the level of priority you get. And you have to go along with that if you want to keep them and avoid being branded crazy.
Tommika · 04/12/2021 13:21

@CluelessinCumbria

Does this extend to asking men out? So if they were interested they would have asked me.
I don’t ask out every woman that I’m interested in

If I did then I would get more rejections - but I would also get more ‘acceptions’

Tommika · 04/12/2021 13:23

@Whiskeyandwine

Even painfully shy guys will make it known if they like someone. So many threads on here ‘ask him out’, ‘text him first it’s not the 1950s’ all end in rejection. It’s really simple actually, if a man likes you he will show it and you won’t have to do any chasing, wondering or have any angst about it. Fine for 50:50 once in a relationship but let the man show you how he feels first before letting your heart and mind get carried away - as that’s a sure way to feel the pain of rejection
Culturally this does cut it - that the man does the asking But there’s no valid reason why a woman cannot ask out a man, or be able to deal with rejection