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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bittersweet video from my daughter of her little boy

72 replies

TheyCallMeBruce · 03/12/2021 02:38

So she posted a video of her 2 year old eating messy food, playing in the dirt, petting animals etc and just being a cute kid. This was on Facebook. And I couldn't watch more than a couple of minutes because I never had that time with either her or her older sister as they grew up.

That was because their mother took them away when the youngest was 2 1/2. And I know it was 25+ years ago, but a part of me still feels robbed of my chance at fatherhood.

Sorry, just had to vent.

OP posts:

BasicDad · 03/12/2021 02:40

Where did she take them that you couldn't be involved in their lives for 25+ years?

Lilolily · 03/12/2021 02:42

Time to be the best grandad ever then!

Unanananana · 03/12/2021 08:41

Did you try to see them? Or just let their mother take them away?

Wrong place to seek validation I'm afraid! You need to add more detail.

pog100 · 03/12/2021 08:48

Not that it makes much difference but it sounds like you were, or could have been, involved with both of them up to the age of the grandchild in the video? Do you have those memories?

Bunce1 · 03/12/2021 08:50

What’s the back story?

lliitttlepiinkhouse · 03/12/2021 08:51

@Unanananana

Did you try to see them? Or just let their mother take them away?

Wrong place to seek validation I'm afraid! You need to add more detail.

Harsh. You make it sound like all fathers have a choice, some don't.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2021 08:52

Took them where?

Bookworm20 · 03/12/2021 08:53

By take them away, did you not know where they were?
Whatever the circumstances to all that, it can’t be changed, but do you now have an opportunity to be in your grandchild’s and daughters life? If so, then be the best dad/grandad you can be now. Try not to let the past rob you of that future.

ZenNudist · 03/12/2021 08:57

More info needed otherwise will fill in the blanks, not in your favour.

MuguetRose · 03/12/2021 09:00

Did you have any contact with them when you could have done those things?

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/12/2021 09:02

Yeh sorry pal, you're going to need to supply some really convincing details of why her "taking them away" meant you weren't able to be a father in any sense for their entire childhood before you get any sympathy. It'll need to be a) you went through every imaginable legal route and were still denied access for reasons that had nothing to do with your own ability to parent or b) she took them to an unknown location and it was impossible to trace them even with professional help for the entire duration of their childhoods. Looking forward to hearing which one it is.

Theunamedcat · 03/12/2021 09:02

Its rare that the mother gets to take them away but if unmarried in the 90s men didn't really have the rights they do today

nocnoc · 03/12/2021 09:09

What do you mean “took them away”?
Unless they were taken overseas then I’m afraid you won’t get any sympathy. You should have moved heaven and earth to see your kids. Drive hours every weekend. You could have spent Friday evening driving to wherever they lived and stayed in a hotel and taken them out on a Saturday. Every single week. If you didn’t do that then we’ll you’re just wallowing in self pity and you have no self awareness and you are just blame shifting to make your own poor parenting better in your own eyes. Why aren’t you in your car right now driving to see your grandchild? What efforts have you made or are you one of those blokes that likes to go “poor me” because everyone’s not doing everything for you with you making zero efforts to do anything yourself. Did you pay for your kids? Are you helping financially towards your grandkids? What have you done for your family? You should be asking those hard questions before posting on here to be honest

hahahawhatchalaughinat · 03/12/2021 09:22

I think people are being a bit hard on OP. But you do need to provide more details for anyone to have an opinion here.

steppemum · 03/12/2021 09:29

Oh wow, you ar eall being pretty hard.

This guy sound slike he wanted to have a relationship with his kids, at least give him a chance to say why, instead of coming down like a ton of bricks.
You could, you know, just ask the question instead of assuming?

Fatherfintanstack · 03/12/2021 09:29

People are asking the question

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/12/2021 09:31

If you and her are FB friends then presumably you've been in her life to some capacity.

What happened?

Starcup · 03/12/2021 09:40

The mother shouldn’t have been allowed to do that

MsMarch · 03/12/2021 09:46

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you genuinely had no choice.

But this post has annoyed me. It's 25 years ago, and you are, apparently, enough in your daughter's life now to be seeing videos etc. So, instead of focusing on YOU losing out on HER baby years, why don't you make an effort to be there for HER during her child's baby years? It's been 25 years so really, for your own mental health, you need to let go of all that's happened before. If you need therapy to do so, then absolutely do that.

Because I bet you your daughter thinks that you weren't there for her and now, 25 years later, if you're too hurt to engage with her on her son, she'll assume you're not going to be there for your grandchild either.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/12/2021 10:27

@Starcup

The mother shouldn’t have been allowed to do that

Mothers aren't allowed to do that, that's the point. You think all the women on here posting in desperation about being forced to share residency of their children with an abusive ex would be doing that if they could just up and vanish with no way for the father to force contact? Even convicted abusers are still able to see their children if they choose to. That's why when men say that they had no choice but to not see their kids ever again because the mother wouldn't let them I take it with a huge pinch of salt until they provide some pretty compelling additional details. My friend actually did have contact with her son blocked by her ex husband. He cooked up false accusations of her being a danger to their child with his corrupt police officer friend and the child was removed from her care and given to him. She was allowed supervised visits of one hour a week and he attempted to block every single one of them. You know what she did? She got 2 extra jobs and sold everything that wasn't nailed down to afford legal representation. She drove for hours every week to her exs house to see her son for a single hour. If he refused to let her in she called the police and waited on his doorstep in any weather until they made him comply with the access arrangements. She did this for more than a year until the courts finally got to the truth and the child was returned to her. That's how a loving parent behaves when their ex tries to stop them seeing their children, they do literally anything to stop it from happening. Maybe the OP did all that and was still unable to see his children for reasons that are completely reasonable and unavoidable. But I've heard waaaaay too many stories of men who just can't be arsed to parent unless it's handed to them on a plate to give the OP the benefit of the doubt. Please come on back and prove me wrong though OP...

Starcup · 03/12/2021 11:51

If it was 25 years ago, I assume things would have been different then.

I’ve known people move to the opposite side of the country and taken the kids away from their fathers, though not recently. This shouldn’t be allowed either imo.

I believe there are abusive men out there of course, but I question why women bring babies in to the world with these types men in the first place.

I believe some men show no signs at all until the baby is here, then they do change in to psychos, without any previous evidence of this type of behaviour.

There is no way this is always the case. More often than not there will be signs or red flags but women think they’ll change etc then low and behold they don’t…. Then a poor kid is brought in to the carneage.

I also believe that there’s two sides to every story.

Starcup · 03/12/2021 11:51

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

Fatherfintanstack · 03/12/2021 12:09

Starcup sorry but if you're also in the UK, we don't live in a huge country. Moving to the other side, or even the other end of the UK would be an utter pain and financial drain but wouldn't stop contact for 25 years

Starcup · 03/12/2021 12:17

@Fatherfintanstack

I agree but if a parent moved away and didn’t tell the other parent and ‘disappeared’ then that could be a reason why. Not saying in this situation though and some dads are just not bothered

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/12/2021 12:20

What was different 25 years ago? If anything it's women who had fewer rights back then, not men. However if there is some specific right men didn't have 25 years ago that made it impossible for them to see their children without the mother's permission then I'm happy to hear about it. Maybe there was some law that gave women this enormous amount of power over men despite the fact that they don't have anywhere near this much power in any other avenue of life and the entire legal system was designed and run by men. Weird how women have experienced so much systemic disadvantage throughout history and yet when it comes to parenting suddenly they have so much power within the system that men have literally no choice but to give up all their parental responsibilities if the mother says so.

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