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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bittersweet video from my daughter of her little boy

72 replies

TheyCallMeBruce · 03/12/2021 02:38

So she posted a video of her 2 year old eating messy food, playing in the dirt, petting animals etc and just being a cute kid. This was on Facebook. And I couldn't watch more than a couple of minutes because I never had that time with either her or her older sister as they grew up.

That was because their mother took them away when the youngest was 2 1/2. And I know it was 25+ years ago, but a part of me still feels robbed of my chance at fatherhood.

Sorry, just had to vent.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 04/12/2021 20:49

I hope you come back Bruce. I was also estranged from my father and would like to hear your story.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/12/2021 20:52

How shocking that he didn't come back

Sparechange · 04/12/2021 20:59

@Thatsplentyjack

How shocking that he didn't come back

Not a remote shock given how awful the first few responses were

Some posters should honestly be ashamed of themselves.
Someone comes for support and they get both barrels from posters making assumptions and accusations

thickthighs73 · 04/12/2021 21:00

@Lilolily

Time to be the best grandad ever then!

Agree! Look to the future!

thickthighs73 · 04/12/2021 21:02

@Sparechange 100%! However I fail to feel sympathy for posts about how to cook sausages and chips!

Ari202 · 04/12/2021 21:10

Let’s all rub his back and say ‘there, there’ because for their whole entire lives their mother ‘took them away’ and he was powerless.

My dad was abusive, manipulative and corrective and STILL managed to get a court to force us to have contact. You clearly didn’t do enough. Go cry somewhere else.

Sparechange · 04/12/2021 21:14

@Ari202

And my kind gentle dad got half a dozen court orders but was unable to see us for years

It’s not always black and white

girafferafferaffe · 04/12/2021 21:15

Looks like a wind them up and go to me ..

Tillsforthrills · 04/12/2021 21:16

@Ari202

Please stop projecting your experience and pain. Read some of the other posters who’s fathers couldn’t get contact.

There are exceptions.

BonesInTheOcean · 04/12/2021 21:19

@luckylavender

What nasty comments. I'm sure that had a woman posted that she wouldn't have got such a hard time. We don't know the details.

If a woman posted with such little detail, there would still be many questions, probably.... why did you let it happen....

Maybe not so harsh, but as there has been no reply from the op.... what do you expect

Aimee1987 · 04/12/2021 21:19

@dworky

Women rarely keep children away from good fathers, in my experience.

Well that's bullshit. Plenty of women use children as pawns to get back at exes.

The amount of times stepmums get asked if there the other woman on here is a good indicator of how many mothers will use adult issues to manipulate, influence and coherence children be it intentionally or subconsciously.

Laws have changed alot to stop 1 parent from being able to do this so would definetly see this as possible.

So sorry your going through this OP. Have you managed to reconnect with your daughter. Do you get to see your grandson?

thickthighs73 · 04/12/2021 21:33

@Aimee1987

Well said

CaptainCallisto · 04/12/2021 21:57

DH has two half-siblings he didn't meet until his mid-twenties because FIL's first wife disappeared six months after their separation. He spent every penny he had trying to find them, tried everything for years. Then he met MIL and had a new family. He couldn't dedicate as much time as before to searching, but he never stopped looking. DH remembers going on holiday to Scotland and FIL having pictures of his missing children and their mum on flyers, asking people if they recognised them, because she had been to university up there so could have moved somewhere familiar.

DH was contacted by his half-sister in 2008 (so 31 years after FIL lost contact). Turns out her mum had been involved with a new man, had moved to Canada using his name for both herself and the children (in those days children could travel on their parents passport) and had settled there. The children had been told their dad had died, but their mum had confessed the truth during the last weeks of her life (cancer) and SIL decided she wanted to try and find him.

Obviously, there are a lot of fathers absent because they can't be bothered, but there are several examples on this thread of dads who missed years of their children's lives through absolutely no fault of their own.

Kshhuxnxk · 04/12/2021 22:00

OP that's sad. I know, my DP is in the same position. It was a very different world then as it is now and it was only 20 years ago that Fathers for Justice was created. DP even had shared custody through courts but that wasn't enough. I remember so much the sheer hell he went through trying to see his little boy.

.

Sparechange · 04/12/2021 22:04

@CaptainCallisto

My mother changed my youngest brother’s surname to that of her new husband when she got remarried to try and make it harder for our dad to track him down

The older brother refused to go along with it but it still blows my mind how easy it was for her to do it. She literally just moved house and moved his school, and registered him under a new name.
I’m sure it’s harder now with schools wanting to see birth certificates etc but I think she would still have tried with marriage certificates etc

It caused a massive nightmare for my brother many years later when a job asked to see copies of his GCSE certificates and they are in a random surname that he has no documented link to…

Aimee1987 · 04/12/2021 22:14

@captainCallisto
I think it's still pretty easy to do. My DSSs mum changed his name to her new husbands name at school. DP is 100% in DSSs life (40% custody). It didnt last long as DP rang the school and asked why his sons name had changed without his permission. The principle was very apologetic ( I'm pretty sure someone in the admin office got in ome trouble) and it was rectified. I could see somone getting away with it.

MiddleEasternMummy · 04/12/2021 22:33

@dworky

Women rarely keep children away from good fathers, in my experience.

Nonsense! So many women use their children to get back at exes to the detriment of their children .

CircleofWillis · 04/12/2021 22:39

OP you must have had your younger child up to that age and your older child even older. I would concentrate on remembering the time you DID spend with them without the bitterness and count your blessings that you now have a relationship with your daughter and can be an involved grandfather. (Even if there is still a distance you can be involved over video chats, social media etc so it will be very different to how it was when your children were young.)

PinkWednesdays · 04/12/2021 22:45

@dworky

Women rarely keep children away from good fathers, in my experience.

Then you’ve led a sheltered life. I know someone who refuses to let her 7 year old see her dad, simply because he started dating someone else after their split and she doesn’t want her daughter to have a stepmum.

I also know someone else who was keen to move to another country with her new husband, and made up all sorts of lies about her ex in a lengthy court battle so the court can grant her permission to move. She won that case and moved abroad.

And on the other hand I know someone whose ex had no interest whatsoever in seeing their child after they split as he was a violent bully.

It’s not always that black and white dworky.

CaptainCallisto · 04/12/2021 22:53

@Sparechange and @Aimee1987 it's mind boggling that it's still able to be done so easily. It was the late 70's when it happened to FIL and things have improved a lot since then, but it ought not to be so easy 40+ years later! I know being able to disappear can help women fleeing DV, but it's heartbreaking for the decent, non-abusive men left with no idea what's become of their children.

DancyNancy · 04/12/2021 23:01

Jesus Christ sone of the responses here!!!!
Sorry you missed out on so much OP. Whether by her actions or yours or a mix of both, you're feeling the loss and hurt about this. It's a real and valid feeling no matter what the circumstances.

Pieminster · 04/12/2021 23:08

Where's the OP gone. And where's the backstory?

Wind up

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