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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Text Stalker - what to do?

93 replies

Janos · 17/12/2007 11:52

Some folks may or may not recall I made a post in that weird guy thread about 'forty second rule' man.

Well, I met this man once for coffee, 4 weeks ago for about half an hour. I have had no contact with him apart from that.

Since then I have had texts from him at least 3-4 times a week (often more). It sounds almost silly to complain as they are fairly inoccuous 'How are you, would you like to meet up for a drink'.

I have given no encouragement and not answered any. Now he has stepped things up (phoning - I do not answer). The previous two nights I have been woken at stupid o clock in the morning by texts from this bloke asking to meet up then and there. As I;m on my own with a little boy I found this a bit creepy.

I started off feeling these were an irritation and he would stop. But they haven't, if anything it's got worse and it's all starting to feel a bit sinister.

My friend suggested texting him to say 'Please leave me alone'. I'm worried this contact might encourage him. What should I do?

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
allIWannaBeForChristmas · 17/12/2007 16:22

I've texted people first thing in the morning, not because I'm stalking them but because I view texts almost like emails in that people can read them as/when they're in a position to do so. I also don't take my mobile to bed with me so similarly don't think about the fact that some people do.

Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 16:26

Ah well I use my mobile as an alarm clock so that's why the messages woke me up. I like to have it to hand always in case there is an emergency involving my DS because all numbers I need are on there.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 17/12/2007 16:26

you do also sometimes find that the text is delivered hours after you sent it..this happens with my phone either becausde of network slowness or if it has a lowish batery it gets stuck in the outbox sometimes blocked by an undelivered piccie and then when I start charging it sends the failed messages all at onec

I think he just is hoping that u will see him and hasn't realised you are blanking him

warthog · 17/12/2007 16:26

i don't text people outside normal hours simply because they might be asleep and have their phone next to their bed.

it's weird that he's been texting for the last MONTH with no response. most people would give up after one or two!

i really sympathise janos, because i had a stalker too. you could very nearly rationalise everything, but it was all a little off and i got very stressed by it all. it's not ok for someone to do this to you.

Elizabetth · 17/12/2007 16:32

If you feel this guy is stalking you Janos, he probably is. Feelings like that don't arise for no reason.

There's a good book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker which basically argues that women shouldn't ignore our instincts when things feel off or scary. We're always told to ignore our own feelings and give people the benefit of the doubt, which can get us into dangerous situations and give predators an advantage over us.

Glad to hear he doesn't know your address.

booge · 17/12/2007 16:41

I had problems with a phone stalker, at first I brushed it off but then found he'd been jailed twice before for stalking. I blocked his number and have since moved house so I don't think he could find me again. It really freaked me out, if you feel something is wrong then you are right to act soonest, these things can escalate really quickly.

madamez · 17/12/2007 17:23

While I appreciate that none of us actually know this man, and Janos may well be showing very sound instincts in being creeped out by him (he may be a harmless, lonely but rather insensitive person, or he may have some degree of Aspergers or something, not to realise that he is coming across all wrong - or he may be dangerous).. anyone who is recieving unwanted invitations of any kind needs to tell the inviter IN SO MANY WORDS - 'I do not want to socialise with you. I do not want any contact from you. Leave me alone' and only take further action if the person persists after this. Because of the way so many people are still socialised to think that it's OK and in fact a good thing for men to 'woo' women ie persist after being turned down for a date, and that it is rude and unfeminine for women to refuse bluntly - so women think that saying, no thanks, not right now will see off unwanted attention whereas men think, oh she's playing hard to get I will try again.

yurt1 · 17/12/2007 17:42

Agree with madamez.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 17/12/2007 18:20

Seeing it from the other side, when I was pretty young I had a boyfriend whom everything was going really well with, we were really close, it went on for two weeks seeing each other every day, and one night I was at his flat and he wanted to have sex, I was a virgin, I freaked out a bit and said I wasn't sure I could cope with that kind of relationship yet...the next day he said he didn't want to see me any more. It was so sudden and I was completely gutted...given that I was recovering from anorexia at the time and was very lonely and vulnerable, I couldn't really take the rejection. So I started hanging around in my back garden where he walked past for work. I wanted to understand why he had rejected me, it was just too painful, I didn't get it. Now I can see that he was very uptight and I was very needy, but at the time I imagined he still must have the feelings he'd had for those two weeks, it just didn't make any sense. Where had the loving person I knew, disappeared to?
I tried to call his mobile, I imagined he had a good reason and would turn round one day and say 'I still love you' but of course he didn't. I realised one day that I was freaking him out badly, and it was that which made me stop. Realising I was frightening him.
I did stop, I dealt with my own feelings eventually, it wasn't his fault but just a rather unfortunate set of circumstances which made both of us vulnerable.
I am so ashamed of it now, and would never 'stalk' someone again...but I think it is important to make it clear that you want no more contact, and if possible give a basic reason, that cannot be argued with, so the person has 'closure' - then if they persist, follow it up by reporting it etc. Some poeple just need a direct approach - if my 'boyfriend' had explained simply from the start, I would have had to accept it. It was his silence which confused me - but I didn't know how to take a hint in those days!

MellowChristmasEveryone · 17/12/2007 18:25

You know, on most phones you can have them on silent but the alarms still works fine.

I would check it first though.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 17/12/2007 18:30
Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 18:57

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice.
Looking back I realise I mustn't have been clear enough in saying 'not interested'.

I think there is a lot of truth in what madamez says about men 'wooing' women.

Hopefully now I have sent the message that will be an end to it all.

Not ignoring you at all TFA

OP posts:
sprogger · 17/12/2007 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 19/12/2007 09:39

Janos - has he respected your wishes?

Original poster
Janos · 19/12/2007 13:38

Hi Dior, yes he has respected my wishes so far, which I am pleased about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/12/2007 18:44

Hmmm..update is that he contacted me by email despite my request.To say I was not pleased to get the message is an understatement (I meediately felt sick and started panicking).

I replied with the same response to which he asked 'why'. I repeated the message with a warning that if he did it again I would contact the police.

So hopefully that will work

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 20/12/2007 18:49

You definitely don't owe him any explanation Janos, although I'm sure you know that - he's just trying to maintain contact even if it's negative. A man who doesn't respect a woman's "no" is one to be steered clear of.

Original poster
Janos · 20/12/2007 18:53

Well now he has no reason to contact me and has been warned about the consequences.

I am actually pretty now.

I don't understand why someone would persist in trying to maintain contact when they've been told NO.

OP posts:
pollypumpkin · 20/12/2007 18:56

Hi Janos, I've been through something similar. Actually you can't block an individual number, you have to change your own number. I didn't want to change my number because after 5 years I've finally memorised it! What stopped my texter (a mystery texter who I think initially was a wrong number and then decided to harass me) was me sending a text saying something like 'I have been in contact with the police and they now have your mobile number on record, please stop now'
hope this helps

Original poster
Janos · 20/12/2007 19:00

Thanks pollypumpkin. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it?

I'm still fuming but feeling calmer now.

OP posts:
OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 20/12/2007 20:49

Oh dear. I hope he listens now

micegg · 20/12/2007 21:05

Just tell him to leave you alone and you are not interested. Then change your number or block his.

Original poster
Janos · 20/12/2007 21:14

I have told him, micegg. Have also contacted my provider and can't block his number.

Thanks for the advice though.

OP posts:
warthog · 20/12/2007 21:21

what did he say in the email?

Original poster
Janos · 20/12/2007 21:29

He asked why we couldn't stay in touch, warthog. Did not understand why I didn't want to see him or hear from him again.

OP posts: