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Original poster

Text Stalker - what to do?

93 replies

Janos · 17/12/2007 11:52

Some folks may or may not recall I made a post in that weird guy thread about 'forty second rule' man.

Well, I met this man once for coffee, 4 weeks ago for about half an hour. I have had no contact with him apart from that.

Since then I have had texts from him at least 3-4 times a week (often more). It sounds almost silly to complain as they are fairly inoccuous 'How are you, would you like to meet up for a drink'.

I have given no encouragement and not answered any. Now he has stepped things up (phoning - I do not answer). The previous two nights I have been woken at stupid o clock in the morning by texts from this bloke asking to meet up then and there. As I;m on my own with a little boy I found this a bit creepy.

I started off feeling these were an irritation and he would stop. But they haven't, if anything it's got worse and it's all starting to feel a bit sinister.

My friend suggested texting him to say 'Please leave me alone'. I'm worried this contact might encourage him. What should I do?

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
TwinklyfLightAttendant · 17/12/2007 13:53

...asking you to meet up in the middle of the night is seriously creepy. My ex did this once to me, 'I can't take this, come over now, door unlocked' etc etc. He even rang me and shouted at me about my not coming round immediately. It was midnight ffs, I was alone with my child, he was very pissed. I should have ditched him then and there. And he was my boyfriend!

This geezer hardly knows you, it is all in his mind, ring the police for advice so they have a record of it all. And keep a log like i said.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 17/12/2007 13:54

So, have you heard any more?

lou33 · 17/12/2007 13:55

police wont do anything, i had threats from a number i didnt know once, and all they said is they got loads like it all the time, would log details but not investigate

lou33 · 17/12/2007 13:56

oh and gave me a crime number so could change the mobile number without charge

ScarletA · 17/12/2007 13:59

All of you who think that this guy is somehow OK in doing what he is doing - would you ever text someone who you'd met four weeks ago (for half an hour) 3 or 4 times a week, including in the middle of the night - when he had not even replied to one of your texts??? How on earth is that not weird?

allIWannaBeForChristmas · 17/12/2007 14:23

I didn't say it wasn't weird, but this bloke doesn't know it's unwanted attention if he hasn't been told does he?

Plus the op obviously gave him her mobile number so must have felt reasonably comfortable with him to do so?

If she said she wasn't interested and he persisted in texting then it's a different matter, but I think it's unfair to label someone a stalker when he's not actually been told to get lost. and stalker does actually have some quite serious/scary connotations.

Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 14:32

Dior, I haven't had a response so hopefully that's that and he will respect my wishes.

Lou33 and TFA, thank you for the practical advice. If it persists I'll keep a record.

TBH I can understand some folks point of view about it not seeming that bad. I think unless it's happened to you it's hard to understand how unpleasant and creepy it feels.

OP posts:
madamez · 17/12/2007 14:33

YOu really do need to tell him clearly and firmly that you are not interested. He sonds more like a bit slow on the uptake rather than dangerous. Remember the huge amount of cultural propaganda to the effect that this sort of behaviour is 'romantic' rather than threatening. And I would make a distinction between texts asking a person for dates or other social contact, and texts that are abusive, insulting or actively threatening.

madamez · 17/12/2007 14:34

Janos: it probably will stop now - however, if it doesn't, or if he starts getting nasty, keep a record of everything and contact the police, who will probably warn him off if he persists.

Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 14:36

"Plus the op obviously gave him her mobile number so must have felt reasonably comfortable with him to do so? "

He got my mobile number from a social networking website.

Perhaps I could and should have been more blunt.

And I don't apologise for describing his behaviour as stalking because that is how it felt to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 14:42

"2And I would make a distinction between texts asking a person for dates or other social contact, and texts that are abusive, insulting or actively threatening. "

I think you may be right madameZ. No, he's never made any abusive or threatening comments and perhaps simply didn't realise how he was coming across. Now I've said explicity that I am not interested then hopefully he will stop.

But being texted in the middle of the night when you are on your own with a small child really, really isn't nice.

Both times I was unable to getback to sleep afterwards.

OP posts:
TwinklyfLightAttendant · 17/12/2007 15:13

I completely understand, I never slept after my experiences either - I sat shaking till morning. Then persuaded myself to give him another chance! I think I was scared of admitting he was really that bad - how could my judgment have been so off - so I wanted to find an excuse rather than face that.

Janos I hope he has got the message. Does he know where you live?

zippitippitoes · 17/12/2007 15:33

i think you should take private contact details off a social networking site if you are worried about contacts..

I text people in the middle of the night ..I suppose I think they woill have their phone off or tell me if they dont want me to contact them

yurt1 · 17/12/2007 15:35

He sounds sad and lonely rather than dangerous. Just tell him you're not interested. Texting in the middle of the night sounds like someone who can't sleep/has dutch courage from a few drinks. I was phoned in the middle of the night (3am) and received threatening emails from an ex. I told him if they didn't stop I would ask his IT system at work to prevent emails being sent to my address. He stopped & is now happily married etc.

yurt1 · 17/12/2007 15:37

yes agree zippi- I have texted in the middle of the night before - things like 'oh whoops forgot to tell you not to come over tomorrow' as I assume I'll forget the next day. Phoning is different- especially if threatening. But texintg shall we meet for the coffe in the middle of the night just sounds like lonliness. Take you contact details down though.

warthog · 17/12/2007 15:48

i don't think persistent texting is acceptable.

if he continues to text after your 'leave me alone' text, i'd threaten him with the police and follow it through. this is not normal.

Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 15:49

Yes, zippi I realised that wasn't the smartest idea and have since taken it off.

Maybe it's just me but I have never ever texted/phoned people in the middle of the night unless in an emergency! That's something which differs from person to person I guess.

Perhaps you're right and he is lonely. In which case I have some sympathy. But I also get lonely and don't behave like that.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 17/12/2007 15:52

probably is different horses for courses stuff as I have also had people come round to see me at 2.00am too having arranged it just before hand by text

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 17/12/2007 15:52

I think if he respects your wishes now you have told him, he was probably lonely. IT does seem weird to get random texts in the night, but drunk people can forget the time, so maybe he had had a few drinks.

If he stops contact, perhaps you should start to think of him as misguided rather than a stalker

WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 17/12/2007 15:53

Block his number on your mobile!

Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 15:57

"I never slept after my experiences either - I sat shaking till morning"

Thank you for underststanding TFA.I think your experience does sound a lot worse than mine though as he doesn't know where I live.

OP posts:
lou33 · 17/12/2007 16:05

zippi is right in the fact that people do text at times others wouldnt

the amount of times i have been woken at silly o clock by people on drunken nights out

lou33 · 17/12/2007 16:09

scooby, she cant, like my phone company said they cant block one number either

Original poster
Janos · 17/12/2007 16:10

I know...but I'm not so sure Sunday would have been a drunken night out! Still, you never know. I realise it does happen.

OP posts:
WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 17/12/2007 16:22

Oh i can block numbers on my phone.

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