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Original poster

Sexless marriage- really?

66 replies

John0058 · 01/12/2021 18:01

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 3 children (10, 9 & nearly 5) and my wife recently told me she doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 50, she's 36, married 14 years together 18) apparently because she doesn’t find me sexually attractive any more and hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time.

She also said she doesn’t orgasm much with me particularly recently although when ever I ask her what she wants me to do sexually she never opens up and just wants me to finish as quickly as possible which I find soul destroying. Then she really puts the knife in saying she never really did orgasm compared to her conquests before we met - She still really likes sex but just not with me?

We met when she was 22 and I was 33 and before we met she was pretty wild sleeping with over 100 guys (which I didn’t find out about until after we married) She had various issues like bulimia before meeting me and I was seen as a safe pair of hands. Sex at first in my view was great and we were together for almost 5 year before marriage. I loved her very much and I believe she did me then at least.

I suppose the toll of having children living with one another over a long period of time invariably pushes us apart but what really pushed me over the edge nearly two years ago was finding a picture of some blokes cock of her phone. It then transpired that she was sexting a person who she saw regularly at a building project we were doing together and planning to have sex with him before i caught them. When I confronted her she denied it at first until I showed her the pictures - she then cried and said I didn’t do anything with him - he tried kissing me but nothing happened. Later she admitted that had I not intervened she would
have slept with him.

Clearly mortified I have been trying to understand what the issue is? In her eyes I irritate her by leaving cloths on the floor and petty things like that. I do lots around the house and love the children loads spending time with them whenever I can. Admittedly I have not been paying her attention as much as I should but I find she is always on my case and resents me which in turn makes me not want to be around her. She doesn’t respect me and occasionally bad mouths me in front of friends which I find soul destroying as I would never do that to her.

This new development has left me feeling numb, lonely and rejected. I love her dearly and take the blame for a lot of stuff. We have amazing children, live in a great house, have lovely friends and family but the thought and is continuing like this with no sex is just so sad and I do t think I can do it frankly.

She said she would not be surprised if I wanted to meet someone else and feels really guilty but she can’t magic herself to fancy me again. I must add at this point I’m no Adonis but I’m not fat and reasonably fit but fully aware it’s not just about the looks. I don't want to have an affair - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her which I have no wish to do.

Sex aside, we have a good life so she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex. She says she will try to work at it but just needs a break.

So we'll share a bed, cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, and nearly had an affair she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just look to accept our differences and move apart which would ruin the childrens stability?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

OP posts:
Megan1992xx · 01/12/2021 18:05

This is a desperately sad experience for each of you. I am not sure a marriage can really survive in the long run without physical intimacy but perhaps someone else knows better.

ChristmasKrackers · 01/12/2021 18:12

Wow, I really feel for you, it does all sound like a bit of a mess and all scrambled up.

She must have found you sexually attractive when she got with you, so what’s changed? (Haven’t grown a beard have you 😂)

Maybe ask her specifically what you can do, although I have a feeling it will all be a bit “too little, too late”. Sounds like you haven’t been affectionate over the years and took her for granted, within that space loneliness has grown into resentment and you then just fall out of love.

Wishing you luck though.

FourTeaFallOut · 01/12/2021 18:16

How is she 36, you've been together for 18 years but you met her when she was 22?

5zeds · 01/12/2021 18:16

I’d leave. I’m sure there’s time for you both to find new partners. Just split like grown ups and help each other be happy.

pinkcattydude · 01/12/2021 18:18

That doesn’t add up…

SarahBellam · 01/12/2021 18:20

I wouldn't be surprised if she was having an affair. It sounds like she is rewriting history.

Megacervixosaurus · 01/12/2021 18:20

Maybe it’s the minor details, like you don’t even get her age right?

MellowMelly · 01/12/2021 18:21

Hold on, you met at 22 and 33 which is 11 years difference in age...but now she's 36 and you're 50?

FourTeaFallOut · 01/12/2021 18:21

Or that they've been married for 14 years but we're together for 5 before that...so 17 then? Confused

Anothernick · 01/12/2021 18:22

Yes very difficult situation. She is not being fair to you - putting your DP down in front of others is a red line, and obviously the nearly-affair and her comments about your sex life are very wounding. If she was not happy with this she should have discussed it with you well before it got to this stage. You have to discuss your sex life regularly just as you discuss other aspects of your relationship,and whilst things will change over the years it is not reasonable to impose celibacy on a partner for no clear reason and you are far too young to cease having a sex life.

But I think you should certainly continue having non-sexual physical contact, this just might lead to a reawakening of desire and you have nothing to lose. But in the longer run you need to have a serious talk with her about your future together - a sexless relationship with continued tension and suggestions of affairs is not likely to be happy or successful.

FourTeaFallOut · 01/12/2021 18:23

It sounds like she is rewriting history

It sounds like she can travel through it.

rainbowandglitter · 01/12/2021 18:24

Have you changed the ages because they don't add up?

RainLol · 01/12/2021 18:24

Your math doesn’t add up 🤔

ChristmasKrackers · 01/12/2021 18:26

After 18 years together she is not just “not being fair” for no reason!
As always, there tends to be a very good reason, and in this case it appears he paid her no attention, probably for years! Can you not imagine how lonely that must feel?
If you treat someone like a doormat, they tend to not like you much.

BornIn78 · 01/12/2021 18:27

Dude you missed her 40th birthday. I think that was the final straw.

TheTrinity · 01/12/2021 18:27

This is very sad for you both. I'm not sure anyone can predict where you'll be in a few months time if you can continue your plan to be loving and caring of each other. Personally I feel that sex itself may not be the issue. If you think you have not paid her as much attention as you should have over the years, then perhaps work on this? If you used to go on date nights and stopped, try to do it again if childcare is available. Think about going away for a weekend together, just the two of you and focus on enjoying the time together and relaxing rather than expecting sex. I guess it's trying to reconnect with each other again on other levels which ultimately may work to bring back the kind of intimacy you used to have? But also I think it's worth bearing in mind that perhaps you have grown in different directions now and while no one wants to turn children's lives upside down if it can be avoided, at the end of the day, all children deserve happy parents.

pinkcattydude · 01/12/2021 18:32

@BornIn78. Grin

ElectraBlue · 01/12/2021 18:36

There is a big age gap between the two of you and that might be a factor. Sorry to be blunt...

I think you have to accept that your marriage is over and concentrate on co-parenting arrangements.

Staying with someone who does not find you attractive anymore would be soul destroying.

ImJustMum · 01/12/2021 18:43

Shes either asking for a open marriage or hinting she wants to seperate and just doesnt want to be the onecto say it, hence the sexting and telling you she would of slept with that bloke and she no longer wants to have sex with you. Either way, shes telling you something is wrong and shes not happy which neither are you by the sounds of it. Id seriously consider calling it a day, irregardless of her sexual history, i think your relationship has ran its course

PicaK · 01/12/2021 18:45

You need counselling. The two of you - there's a lot here you really need to sort out. My ex did the dropping things on floor thing - he could barely comprehend the misery I felt living with someone who treated me like a servant, who'd stopped interacting with me like an equal and who absentee themselves from family life. It does nothing for your libido.
That's no excuse to cheat but you're painting yourself as a martyr when you need to step up.
Equally she needs to take more ownership of how her actions have impacted you.
Even if counselling doesn't help you stay together it will help you split up easier.

cherrypie66 · 01/12/2021 18:45

I don't think you get back the sex life As she has told you she doesn't want it with you. Clearly she is interested in sex with other people so I guess it's just a matter of time till she meets someone else. She just doesn't have the courage to end it properly because of the house and the family life and upset the kids. Either you live as friends under the same roof for the sake of the kids or split but I'd be surprised if you can be happily married after this

PermanentTemporary · 01/12/2021 18:49

Sorry, this sounds over. I know it's never that simple - my very dearest friend is in a marriage that I think has died, but she doesn't think so and it's not my relationship. But I think you have grown apart, which is a risk in any relationship, particularly where the age gap is really big.

ReadyforTakeOff · 01/12/2021 18:54

She obviously likes fucking around so dump her and let her do it.

Christmaspanties · 01/12/2021 18:57

What age was she when you got together?

Doona · 01/12/2021 18:58

I'm disturbed by the maths. So was she really 18 when you got together, and you 32, and she'd already had sex with 100 people, although is that just an estimate? That's a different guy a week from the age of 16.

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