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Relationships

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Original poster

Sexless marriage- really?

66 replies

John0058 · 01/12/2021 18:01

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 3 children (10, 9 & nearly 5) and my wife recently told me she doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 50, she's 36, married 14 years together 18) apparently because she doesn’t find me sexually attractive any more and hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time.

She also said she doesn’t orgasm much with me particularly recently although when ever I ask her what she wants me to do sexually she never opens up and just wants me to finish as quickly as possible which I find soul destroying. Then she really puts the knife in saying she never really did orgasm compared to her conquests before we met - She still really likes sex but just not with me?

We met when she was 22 and I was 33 and before we met she was pretty wild sleeping with over 100 guys (which I didn’t find out about until after we married) She had various issues like bulimia before meeting me and I was seen as a safe pair of hands. Sex at first in my view was great and we were together for almost 5 year before marriage. I loved her very much and I believe she did me then at least.

I suppose the toll of having children living with one another over a long period of time invariably pushes us apart but what really pushed me over the edge nearly two years ago was finding a picture of some blokes cock of her phone. It then transpired that she was sexting a person who she saw regularly at a building project we were doing together and planning to have sex with him before i caught them. When I confronted her she denied it at first until I showed her the pictures - she then cried and said I didn’t do anything with him - he tried kissing me but nothing happened. Later she admitted that had I not intervened she would
have slept with him.

Clearly mortified I have been trying to understand what the issue is? In her eyes I irritate her by leaving cloths on the floor and petty things like that. I do lots around the house and love the children loads spending time with them whenever I can. Admittedly I have not been paying her attention as much as I should but I find she is always on my case and resents me which in turn makes me not want to be around her. She doesn’t respect me and occasionally bad mouths me in front of friends which I find soul destroying as I would never do that to her.

This new development has left me feeling numb, lonely and rejected. I love her dearly and take the blame for a lot of stuff. We have amazing children, live in a great house, have lovely friends and family but the thought and is continuing like this with no sex is just so sad and I do t think I can do it frankly.

She said she would not be surprised if I wanted to meet someone else and feels really guilty but she can’t magic herself to fancy me again. I must add at this point I’m no Adonis but I’m not fat and reasonably fit but fully aware it’s not just about the looks. I don't want to have an affair - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her which I have no wish to do.

Sex aside, we have a good life so she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex. She says she will try to work at it but just needs a break.

So we'll share a bed, cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, and nearly had an affair she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just look to accept our differences and move apart which would ruin the childrens stability?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

OP posts:

RedSquirrelsAreAwesome · 01/12/2021 22:42

This must have been very difficult to hear.
My feeling is that she has checked out of your marriage. She wants everything to stay the same because it suits her. But for you it means accepting no sex with her ever again which isn’t what you want.
I think she is likely to find someone else after the previous encounter, she may well be lying about that BTW and something physical might well have happened.
For both of your sakes separate and be really good co-parents. You both have a lot of life to live where you can find happiness, don’t waste that time.
You sound like a nice person, don’t be a doormat which I think you risk being by living a life you don’t want to live for your wife’s sake.

tootootaataa · 01/12/2021 22:54

As PP said... many mistakes and untruths in your post.

GentlemanJayFab · 01/12/2021 23:23

@Justcannotbearsed

Move out, divorce, work out co parenting and then find someone who fancies you. She’s staying with you for security and money.

This.

VioletRose91 · 01/12/2021 23:27

Tbh If you spent a large amount of time ignoring her it’s no wonder she sought attention elsewhere and now you want sex?

I’d be asking to go to counselling or for divorce papers if I was you because neither of you seem to be particularly happy.

Yummypumpkin · 01/12/2021 23:33

It sounds like for years she was having sex with you that was not great or good, and you didn't notice this.

user1481840227 · 02/12/2021 03:21

@Yummypumpkin

It sounds like for years she was having sex with you that was not great or good, and you didn't notice this.

Well there's been many women on here over the years who have admitted to faking it or pretending they enjoy sex with their partners when they really don't and their partners don't notice....because they don't want them to notice!

Sounds more like she is rewriting history, why be so cruel and compare him to people she previously had sex with?

stillvicarinatutu · 02/12/2021 03:46

Why would the op come back to this ? Or even try and explain?
Jesus Christ.

TarasCrazyTiara · 02/12/2021 03:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 02/12/2021 09:06

@user1481840227 why automatically assuming she was faking? I mean faking for a whole 18 years? Really?

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 13:52

I just raised that point because in asking why his wife didn't want sex, no one including OP had seemed to consider this obvious answer. Yet he had given us this info! Who wants rubbish sex???

We can't know what is going on but considering the possibility that he has been rubbish in bed, when she has told him she wants to stay with him, wants sex, but not with him, hasn't had orgasms etc would seem worth OP considering!

FabulousMrFifty · 02/12/2021 14:36

@Yummypumpkin
Isn’t that being a bit awful really, how would feel if your partner said they still wanted sex, but just not with you, but wanted to stay married,
Surely the answer would be to separate?

Outlyingtrout · 02/12/2021 14:47

Your maths is all over the place as PPs have pointed out. I’m assuming you do actually know how old both of you are and that the ages you have given are correct. Likewise the length of the relationship. So, as a 32 year old man you got into a relationship with a teenager who had slept with 100 men? That sounds like a fairly vulnerable teenager to me and I’d be surprised that wasn’t evidently the case to you. I’d love to hear her version of events and the reasons why she resents you, as you claim she does.

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 14:52

@FabulousMrFifty well yes! It's a hard one to get over!

I wasn't really suggesting OP Google sex tips and apply them, but he did seem a bit bewildered and I thought bringing up her past sexual experience or when he became aware of it was unnecessary. I did not get the sense of him understanding there is a pretty direct link between the pleasure you give someone in bed and their willingness to go to bed with you.

And that may be helpful both in future relationships and in how he approaches discussion with wife.

user1481840227 · 02/12/2021 17:17

[quote PerfectlyUnsuitable]@user1481840227 why automatically assuming she was faking? I mean faking for a whole 18 years? Really?

Nothing to do with the fact she didn’t feel she could raise the issue, she didn’t want to hurt him, she thought she could Liv with it, he didn’t make any effort etc etc?
Nope it HAS to be the woman faking it AND rewriting history because actually she had fun in the first place and the sex was good… Not ure how you can square both statements together but hey Ho.[/quote]
I was responding to the poster that I quoted who pinned it all on the OP saying he just didn't notice it, another thing to make him feel shit about on top of everything else!

I was pointing out that women on here admit this very scenario, and say they hid it from their partners.

I also never said that she faked it for a whole 18 years. The women who admitted to faking enjoyment of sex on here never say it was for the entirety of their relationship either, they generally did have an enjoyable sex life at the start.

I believe she's rewriting history because of the cruelness of what she said to him. It's a common theme that people 'rewrite' history when they believe the grass is greener or they are cheating. This woman has previously been on the verge of cheating (at a bare minimum).

Perhaps ask a question if you can't understand the context of someones response (even though it was clear as day what I was responding to) instead of making your own assumptions!

user1481840227 · 02/12/2021 17:25

also @PerfectlyUnsuitable

In this case the woman has previously been receiving dick pics, said she was going to sleep with the guy, she has said she didn't enjoy sex and then compared him to previous people she slept with....I personally believe honesty is the best policy when someone no longer wants sex, be honest that you don't want it because no one should have sex that they don't want to have....but you don't need to utterly destroy a person by comparing them to previous lovers.

She hadn't opened up about what she would have liked differently sexually, he said he hasn't paid her much attention but that was because he irritates her, she's always on his case, she resents him and she disrespects him and badmouths him in front of friends.

And in this case you're saying it just HAS to be the man. It's not always the mans fault!!

nocnoc · 04/12/2021 09:08

I don’t think this post is real or you’re trying to hide her age because you got her pregnant when really young and you were old and now it’s coming back to bite you

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