Sexless marriage- really?

[John0058]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 3 children (10, 9 & nearly 5) and my wife recently told me she doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 50, she's 36, married 14 years together 18) apparently because she doesn’t find me sexually attractive any more and hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time.

She also said she doesn’t orgasm much with me particularly recently although when ever I ask her what she wants me to do sexually she never opens up and just wants me to finish as quickly as possible which I find soul destroying. Then she really puts the knife in saying she never really did orgasm compared to her conquests before we met - She still really likes sex but just not with me?

We met when she was 22 and I was 33 and before we met she was pretty wild sleeping with over 100 guys (which I didn’t find out about until after we married) She had various issues like bulimia before meeting me and I was seen as a safe pair of hands. Sex at first in my view was great and we were together for almost 5 year before marriage. I loved her very much and I believe she did me then at least.

I suppose the toll of having children living with one another over a long period of time invariably pushes us apart but what really pushed me over the edge nearly two years ago was finding a picture of some blokes cock of her phone. It then transpired that she was sexting a person who she saw regularly at a building project we were doing together and planning to have sex with him before i caught them. When I confronted her she denied it at first until I showed her the pictures - she then cried and said I didn’t do anything with him - he tried kissing me but nothing happened. Later she admitted that had I not intervened she would
have slept with him.

Clearly mortified I have been trying to understand what the issue is? In her eyes I irritate her by leaving cloths on the floor and petty things like that. I do lots around the house and love the children loads spending time with them whenever I can. Admittedly I have not been paying her attention as much as I should but I find she is always on my case and resents me which in turn makes me not want to be around her. She doesn’t respect me and occasionally bad mouths me in front of friends which I find soul destroying as I would never do that to her.

This new development has left me feeling numb, lonely and rejected. I love her dearly and take the blame for a lot of stuff. We have amazing children, live in a great house, have lovely friends and family but the thought and is continuing like this with no sex is just so sad and I do t think I can do it frankly.

She said she would not be surprised if I wanted to meet someone else and feels really guilty but she can’t magic herself to fancy me again. I must add at this point I’m no Adonis but I’m not fat and reasonably fit but fully aware it’s not just about the looks. I don't want to have an affair - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her which I have no wish to do.

Sex aside, we have a good life so she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex. She says she will try to work at it but just needs a break.

So we'll share a bed, cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, and nearly had an affair she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just look to accept our differences and move apart which would ruin the childrens stability?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Move out, divorce, work out co parenting and then find someone who fancies you. She’s staying with you for security and money.

Sounds like you both would benefit from councelling.
Whats her childhood background like.. some times sleeping around can signify low self esteem and trauma.. she picked you because you were safe..
Does she struggle with intimacy?
Is she angry with you .. was the sex being better with others a comment to hurt you v
Back at all? These sort of things can be unpicked in a safe sypportive place if you are both feeling' stuck'

Firstly, I don’t believe her claim that she didn’t shag this guy. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was still shagging him, either.

This situation is far from unusual, sadly. She married you because after a promiscuous youth which she hid from you, (I wonder why? ) she wanted to settle down with a nice, steady, decent bloke and have a family with him. The age gap is significant, too. Do you have a good job by any chance?

Now, her nest is full and having sex with you has served its purpose so she has checked out of the physical side of the marriage. Happens all the time. This situation isn’t going to improve, so you should put your own happiness first, because she isn’t going to.

Good luck.

@ @John0058 I'm sorry op but it sounds like she wants to be free to sleep around again so that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore

I think you both need to access some professional couples counselling to talk this out together. From what you have said she is not behaving reasonably and may well want out. No one in a relationship should ever bad mouth the other person and I am sorry this is happening to you. However, some of your language is concerning - you mention she doesn't like petty things you do which is quite dismissive - if they bother her they are not that petty. You also say you 'take the blame' but in a good relationship blame should not be an issue and 'taking it' yourself indicates you think she is really to blame. It sounds like you both have major issues with each other and I think the chances of you being able to work them out without outside help are really slim.

I feel like your wife except without the wanting to shag other people or being even remotely interested. I’m a lot older than your wife though, almost60. A lot of things can kill marriages, in my case it’s his secretive daily porn addiction and a huge problem with anger management , treading on eggshells etc— in your case I suspect from her angle it’s partly because of age difference which now may seem more acute, but also simply doesn’t feel sexually attracted anymore— I have that issue too and to be honest it’s better to just let her go as she probably doesn’t want to be the one to end things

She sound quite cruel and selfish. LTB

She’s texting some guy and doesn’t want you sex-wise. If I were you I’d move on. An upheaval but there it is.

Eh? Let me get this straight

You admit to not showing her enough attention and dont like spending time with her

But you expect sex?

If you cant stand spending time with her then dont expect entitlement to her body.

Jesus

Why do you think wanting a grown man to pick up his clothes from the floor is petty?

Doesn't sound great all round. It certainly doesn't sound like she respects you, as well as not fancying you. Once you lose respect for someone I think a marriage is dead. You say you've nearly had an affair too. What are you actually staying together for? Convenience?

I think a marriage CAN survive with a sex life that isn't perfect. Many women who previously enjoyed very satisfying sex lives with their husbands are shocked and gutted to realise that menopause changes their sexual response and satisfaction. In those situations if a couple loves each other, gets on well day to day ((actively enjoys being together as a couple rather than just co-parenting or whatever), communicates well, is respectful of each other , and can find a way to get round the difficulties of menopause together (or indeed male age-related sexual dysfunction), then there is hope for the relationship.

I'm sorry but yours sounds dead in the water.

1- your marriage as it stands is dead. It’s not just that she doesn’t fancy you. But she is resentful, and has checked out of the relationship.
2- you haven’t said a word that makes me think about intimacy. And by that I don’t mean sex. I mean sharing feelings/a view of the future/plans/supporting each other
3- you seem to paint a rosy picture about you being there to support her etc etc… I have no idea whether it’s your idea of being a good partner and whether it matches HER idea of her supportive partner. But I wouldn’t be surprised if the resentment she has is about your own involvement in family life.
4- sex life…. If you haven’t been giving her orgasms , don’t be surprised she doesn’t want sex with you anymore. Or that she doesn’t want to open up now. She might have done so years ago but I suspect this is a bit late now.

@FourTeaFallOut

How is she 36, you've been together for 18 years but you met her when she was 22?

That was my question too.

TBH it sounds like she has sounded out potential alternatives and you do not pass muster. Probably time to move on and find someone of your own age, although I have to admit I am having trouble working out what your actual age is!

She was 18 when you met and you were 32. She's still young and you're a whole generation above her. She's outgrown you I imagine.

I can't get past the maths, did you suddenly realise how gross it was for a 32 year old to be with an 18 year old so had to change the age?

@Regularsizedrudy

What’s going on with the maths? What are you trying to cover up?

You were a creepy old bloke who a troubled young woman mistook for a safe pair of hands. She doesn’t fancy you because you’re an old gimmer and she’s a young woman.

I think you're right, however a gimmer is a ewe, between its first and second shearing.

Sorry, as you were, farming terminology can be tricky(and regional), but this comes up a lot on here, and it grates a little.

I know it is not really the point and this may sound insensitive but your maths is giving me the rage. You are 50 and 36 (14 years difference) but you met at 22 and 33 (11 years difference). You've been married 14 years but together 18. If she is 36, then she would have been 18 when you met and you would have been 32. It's irrelevant to the point of your thread but I am unable to get past this

How awful.

Both the situation and the nasty responses you have got on here! Unbelievable.

The ages dont match up, ok, but these two have been in a relationship for a long time nonetheless and have had kids. To belittle the OP and call him a creepy old man who has served his purpose is SO nasty! What is wrong with you people??

OP, whatever your ages... she is being awful to you. Cheating and lying and telling you to your face that she doesn't find you attractive, cant orgasm with you... and has pics of other guys cocks on her phone. Not to mention the sexting. Shes very very likely to have already snagged someone else

Stop letting her do this to you!! Get rid of the dirty cow, clearly marriage vows mean fuck all to her. You're being used and belittled and she isn't even trying to hide it.

Please leave the bitch.

Your maths is all over the shop, but, get a divorce and don’t that maths wrong

If you are 50 now and she is 36 that is 14 year age gap yet you also say you met when she was 22 and you were 33 which is an 11 year gap...so.....really??

@ChristmasKrackers

After 18 years together she is not just “not being fair” for no reason! As always, there tends to be a very good reason, and in this case it appears he paid her no attention, probably for years! Can you not imagine how lonely that must feel? If you treat someone like a doormat, they tend to not like you much.

Very harsh

I think at this point you may as well just have doormat tattooed on your forehead.

Shes a piece of work and you're willingly blind to the truth even when she's directly told you how it is.

Respect yourself already.