Want out but scared to be alone

[NEbotherpet]

I desperately want out but the thought of it actually terrifies me. I know I have issues I need to work through and currently on the waiting list for counselling (childhood abandonment, abusive ex, cheated on etc)

But this current relationship has turned into an absolute shit show. The resentment and rage I feel on a daily basis is overwhelming.

We've lived together 3 years, at first as they always are he was amazing. We have a 7 month old baby. In 7 months I have not had one solid sleep of more than a few hours at a time and when I do get her to sleep for a decent amount this selfish arsehole wakes me up for some random reason and thinks it's funny.

He is addicted to the PlayStation, on it as soon as he wakes up, until 4am, he can ignore the baby crying. There have been times when I've left baby with him, went to clean the kitchen, babies crying and crying I go back in and just as I'm walking in he's then getting up to pick her up. It's ridiculous.
He works but recently has been ringing in sick for nothing and again spending every minute on this PlayStation. He doesn't talk to me, can't have a conversation with him without being called a smart ass, if I try and bring up these issues to him he will either call me dramatic, a clown, or just plain ignore me. I can be upset talking to him and he will just blankly stare past me on the game, or watching YouTube videos. As if I'm invisible.

3am he came to bed last night, this morning he's woke up not said a word to me went downstairs and is on the PlayStation, despite disturbing the baby so he's sat downstairs would definitely be able to hear her crying but yet again has left me to ch he nappy make bottle etc.

Honestly there's nothing more unattractive than a grown man sitting getting his fortnite character to dance.

That reminds me, he's told me he can't afford Christmas presents this year, so will buy the baby something in January. He asked me for £25 for a fortnite skin last night! He knows my maternity pay is reducing every month and I don't have much, what I do have spare I've bought Christmas presents with.

Honestly I'm at my limit now. But absolutely terrified to make the step and end it. I don't want to be alone but this is no relationship, I just wish I had the strength to tell him to fuck off.

You won't be alone as you have your baby. Honestly, please believe me when I say it is far better to be alone than living with someone you can't stand and who brings absolutely nothing to the table.

In practical terms, what's your housing situation, work, finances, family support etc?

Aren’t you already pretty much alone? He does nothing for your baby! He doesn’t speak to you, mocks you when he does. Asks you for money for total rubbish! Surely you’d be better off without him?

To be honest yes I do feel completely alone already, I've never experienced this feeling of being in the same room as someone but feeling so utterly lonely. Honestly if it's not PlayStation it's YouTube or Facebook there's always a screen in front of his face it's mind numbingly boring.

I think because sometimes there's a good few days where he turns back to the person I fell in love with and I start to feel love and life is better, but I'm opening my eyes that this never lasts longer than a few days so it's clearly an act and this now is his true colours.

I'm pretty isolated at the moment, no family support I am NC with parents, I do have my grandparents and brother but he has a young family of his own. I have confided some of this to my brother but to be honest he will listen and not say much.

The house is mine only, I pay all the bills everything is solely in my name. He transfers me £500 a month which to be honest doesn't even cover his share of bills, food shopping and diesel ( he doesn't drive so I end up driving him around) this month he's only paid £275.

I am on maternity leave from work till March, spoke to my boss and they've agreed to reduce my hours to part time

Sit down for a second and visualise what your life would be like with just you and dd: no one disturbing you and her, no one to worry about apart from her. Peace and calm when she is calm /asleep. Just you to please.

If this seems attractive, go to entitledto website and see what benefits you’re entitled to and if you can manage. You only have one Life and it sounds awful-alone can be hard but can it really be as frustrating and bitter as this?

Then you holds all the cards financially. Hopefully you will get tons of support on here shortly which will give you the push you need to get rid. Honest OP, life is too short. Don't throw away your best years on someone who clearly doesn't deserve you.

Good luck

@MrsWooster I completely agree, sometimes when he's at work I feel a complete peace and can just relax with her, but other times I feel absolute rage because he could play on the PlayStation for hours before work but not bother to do anything with his daughter or even wash bottles/ dishes.

I think I'm just attached to him almost like the saying can't live with them can't live without, how do you break that?

@Justcallmebebes thank you 😊 Maybe it's because my self esteem and confidence is rock bottom, I don't know

Well you sound intelligent, capable, loving, organised and clear-sighted - a real catch! Kick him out and focus on caring for your DD and on aligning your skewed self-esteem with the reality of how great you actually are. You won’t be alone as you have your DD. Babies can be good company when you’re not stressed by an arsehole in your house, plus she 100% adores you! And you will be free.

So he paid £225 less than agreed for bills this month, plus he owes me £180 which he has borrowed throughout the month.

He's just bought a £55 PlayStation game. Not even asked if we need nappies etc (he's never bought them yet but I am repeatedly saying now that my income has significantly reduced) wtf man.

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Well you sound intelligent, capable, loving, organised and clear-sighted - a real catch! Kick him out and focus on caring for your DD and on aligning your skewed self-esteem with the reality of how great you actually are. You won’t be alone as you have your DD. Babies can be good company when you’re not stressed by an arsehole in your house, plus she 100% adores you! And you will be free.

Thank you for such a lovely reply 😊 it's amazing how strong a little bit of kindness can make you feel

Ugh, OP, he’s a parasite. He contributes nothing. Just think of how your LO is going to feel when she becomes aware that her dad doesn’t give a damn about her existence. What is that going to do to her confidence and self worth? I agree with PP, you sound like a smart, clued up woman. You’ve been dragged down by circumstances but that’s not who you are. There really is no other way to to put an end to this other than to rip the plaster off. It will be tough for a little while adjusting to your new circumstances but believe me when I tell you it will be worth it. I’ve been there. I shed a lot of tears but in time saw how much better off I was on my own financially and emotionally.

You’re on your own to all intents and purposes anyway, he’s just a physical presence in the house and not a pleasant one at that. What would you actually miss if he wasn’t there?

Being in your own with a baby can be hard at times, but it’s also a magical time!

Being ruined by this halfwit cocklodger stressing you and baby out.

Once you get rid of him, you can relax and enjoy more.

Perhaps you can get some practical support from your GPs. It’s crap you have no support from your parents but you are so strong to get this far.

You have your own home so it’s a good start.

Take the bull by the horns. Stand up for yourself and your life. It won’t be easy at times, but it will be better than this.

Give yourself a break, you’re adjusting to being a new mum with all those pressures as well as dealing with this selfish man child. Of course it feels a bit overwhelming to think of breaking up with him.

But, he’s not going to change and in fact it seems he is using you to supplement his income while adding nothing practically speaking to your life or his child’s life.

As others have said, you’re already alone because he’s totally checked out. But worse than that he’s creating more practical and emotional work for you as you try to parent and deal with the extra daily stress he adds. Life as a single parent is not easy, but it’s easier in so many cases without a dead weight round your ankle, which is what he is.

At least without him around daily you can feel less frustrated. Honestly, you can stay with him for however many more months or years and hope he improves or rip that plaster off now and move on to bigger and better things with your lovely baby.

I've just come back home I'm getting the silent treatment and just been called asset ass and now he's sat on his new game.

He's been posting on fb groups looking for people to play with last time he did that he ended up adding a load of women!

You are all so right, i just feel terrified to do it because I don't want to share my daughter with him, he won't look after her properly alone if he has her overnights etc. I can't bare the thought of it

His silent treatment is emotional abuse. This relationship is well and truly over and he is treating you like some sort of fool and or skivvy.

He needs to be kicked out today with all of his stuff in bin bags.

Re your own self I would have a look at the BACP website to see if there are any therapists in your area. They also do not charge the earth.

What makes you think that such a man would at all bother with his child going forward for overnights etc?. He can barely be bothered with her at all now and will begrudge paying for her let alone putting in the hard work of actual day to day parenting. All this man cares about is his own self and his xbox; he would marry it if he could.

You likely and indeed did grow up seeing crap role model adults and they have done you a lot of harm; harm that continues to this very day. These people let you down abjectly and that is their fault; not yours.

Your DD cannot afford to learn similar damaging crap that you absorbed whilst you were growing up. She deserves to learn a better set of relationship lessons. This relationship between you and this man is not good enough for you either.

The feeling of being alone in a calm home where you make decisions for you and your child are far preferable to the burning resentment you feel when a partner is selfish and lazy .
It’s hard to end a chapter but the new one opens very quickly .
You would be happier

Have a look on turn2us to see what benefits you might be entitled to is my advice.

What does asset ass mean?

Anyway, that money you use to subsidise him with, really, that's your child's money. You could put that in a children's ISA. And have a nice little lump sum for her when she's 18.

Or you could carry on as you are but really, your giving him your child's money😕

Think of the example he sets everyday for your DD. He is no role model. She’ll grow up thinking this is how Dad’s behave and replicate it when she’s older. You have all the power and control here as it’s your house so get him to leave. He has no right to stay. You’re on your own anyway. I doubt very much he’ll be interested in any over nights. He may threaten it but it won’t mean anything. Plus you can claim maintenance.

The worst feeling is to be in the same room with someone and feel lonely. You can do this. You can do it right now. Do it for your little girl, so she grows up strong and full of her own self worth - this will never happen with this man in her life every day. He's already devaluing her (as he does you) by ignoring her crying.

Get rid now while she is still so little as then you wont have to give him any overnights stays with her. And to be honest, with such a lazy waster, I doubt you'll be bothered by him much once he's gone. But do put in a child maintenance service claim so he does have to contribute to his daughter financially at least.

You can do this:

"Sorry but Im not in love with you anymore and this relationship is over. I am giving you until Christmas to find a new place, and I want you gone by then."

And stick to it, because once he sees his gravy train disappearing he will start to behave and it will only be a temporary act... so don't fall for it. Be free and give yourself and your daughter a chance to have a decent man in your lives one day.

Please take the step , if you were my DD and DGC I would be putting out the bunting! You are going to be better than fine , make plans for you and your beautiful child for Christmas. He is a drain on you emotionally and financially, please don’t have your child growing up seeing she’s a poor second to a game . She and you are worth so much more . Good luck , you are going to fly xx