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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want out but scared to be alone

75 replies

NEbotherpet · 01/12/2021 09:28

I desperately want out but the thought of it actually terrifies me. I know I have issues I need to work through and currently on the waiting list for counselling (childhood abandonment, abusive ex, cheated on etc)

But this current relationship has turned into an absolute shit show. The resentment and rage I feel on a daily basis is overwhelming.

We've lived together 3 years, at first as they always are he was amazing. We have a 7 month old baby. In 7 months I have not had one solid sleep of more than a few hours at a time and when I do get her to sleep for a decent amount this selfish arsehole wakes me up for some random reason and thinks it's funny.

He is addicted to the PlayStation, on it as soon as he wakes up, until 4am, he can ignore the baby crying. There have been times when I've left baby with him, went to clean the kitchen, babies crying and crying I go back in and just as I'm walking in he's then getting up to pick her up. It's ridiculous.
He works but recently has been ringing in sick for nothing and again spending every minute on this PlayStation. He doesn't talk to me, can't have a conversation with him without being called a smart ass, if I try and bring up these issues to him he will either call me dramatic, a clown, or just plain ignore me. I can be upset talking to him and he will just blankly stare past me on the game, or watching YouTube videos. As if I'm invisible.

3am he came to bed last night, this morning he's woke up not said a word to me went downstairs and is on the PlayStation, despite disturbing the baby so he's sat downstairs would definitely be able to hear her crying but yet again has left me to ch he nappy make bottle etc.

Honestly there's nothing more unattractive than a grown man sitting getting his fortnite character to dance.

That reminds me, he's told me he can't afford Christmas presents this year, so will buy the baby something in January. He asked me for £25 for a fortnite skin last night! He knows my maternity pay is reducing every month and I don't have much, what I do have spare I've bought Christmas presents with.

Honestly I'm at my limit now. But absolutely terrified to make the step and end it. I don't want to be alone but this is no relationship, I just wish I had the strength to tell him to fuck off.

OP posts:

Original poster

NEbotherpet · 01/12/2021 22:52

So when I was downstairs he tried to cuddle me then went back to silent treatment, we ate dinner in silence and then he was sitting in front of me deleting everything with links to me, for example my email being a recovery email for his email, my phone number for second verification on his PlayStation etc.

He's been really secretive with his phone while we ate dinner he actually sat on it! How ridiculous is this.

I told him I don't love him any more and want him to find somewhere to live, his first reaction was to continue ignoring me but go on to Facebook and change his relationship status from engaged to in a relationship?!
Then he tried to turn it all around on me, I'm making the drama up, I am the one with a problem. All the usual gaslighting bullshit.

I'm in bed now and he's sat downstairs on the PlayStation again, I'm tempted to cut the Wi-Fi off. When I told him to go he said no I don't think so, if he doesn't go over the weekend it will be police I think. I'm scared but feel a sense of relief that I've said it, I did have pangs of guilt and feeling sorry for him but actually it's myself I should feel sorry for!

OP posts:

Queenie6655 · 01/12/2021 22:58

@fuckoffImcounting

You are a strong young woman and a great mum with your own home. He is a lazy wastrel cocklodger. Get rid of him. You really have got this.

Yes yes yes

Gosh get him out

Don't. Wait any longer fck that

What is he playing at?

He could get violent
It's your home

Original poster

NEbotherpet · 01/12/2021 23:02

@Queenie6655 I've just left him downstairs. I am exhausted and have the baby here with me so can't be bothered with more shit. I hate him I really do

OP posts:

LHSC1 · 01/12/2021 23:13

You can do this!!! You will feel so much better.... ! Xxx

Cimone · 01/12/2021 23:14

@NEbotherpet - You are behaving like a TYPE 1 woman (there are basically 3 types of women as far as how we relate to men and relationships). Take a listen and start planning how you can get yourself together and present a stronger, more focused determination to do the best for yourself.

Smackthepony · 01/12/2021 23:18

Can you call the police tomorrow and ask for advice from the DV team? Let them know the situation and what he said when you asked him to leave. It also puts him on their radar. Womensaid will also be able to support you to do this.

He doesn’t get to refuse to leave your property. Stay strong, you’ve got this!

Sending you a virtual hug.

Begrateful · 01/12/2021 23:20

That's bloody awful! You so much want things to workout, like the fantasy in your head, and he knows.

You are being exploited...
You are very being devalued...
You are being his fool...

End it immediately, kick him out!
Life will get better and never forget the lesson he taught you, so next time you set the bar/standards high.

pastypirate · 01/12/2021 23:20

He's got nothing in his arsenal to even convince you to stay has he!!!

MadMadMadamMim · 01/12/2021 23:21

Get rid. You'll be better off without him.

I'd have sold the PlayStation to CEX or Game personally, to recoup the money he owes for this month.

thenewduchessofhastings · 01/12/2021 23:33

Sounds like you have 2 babies to take care of.................

pinkdaffodils90 · 01/12/2021 23:39

Well done for telling him to leave! You should be so proud of yourself for demanding better for yourself and your baby. Definitely call the police if he refuses to leave or makes you feel threatened in any way. I know it must be horrible right now, but you’re setting yourself up for a much better life- hold onto that. Sending big hugs

Apricot10 · 01/12/2021 23:42

In all honesty you will be better off alone. You won't have the constant disappointment of him not contributing. I can guarantee that is why you are so exhausted. I am two years single, 2 kids one has additional needs and its way easier than when he was here cluttering up the place.
Don't wait like I did, don't waste a minute more of your time.

Original poster

NEbotherpet · 02/12/2021 00:01

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'll watch the video in the morning just so I don't disturb my baby.

I think that's exactly why I'm so exhausted I'm bringing up a baby alone whilst all this stress on top. It will be easier alone

OP posts:

Original poster

NEbotherpet · 02/12/2021 00:03

11 hours and £80 in total he's spent on that fucking thing so far today .....

OP posts:

DukkaDukka · 02/12/2021 00:26

He doesn’t get to decide to stay as it’s your house, but you may need help if he refuses to leave. Then when he does change the locks asap.

I mean, you could throw the PlayStation out the window and see if he’ll follow…(I’m joking).

Original poster

NEbotherpet · 02/12/2021 00:29

@DukkaDukka hahah I'd love to do that 😂

OP posts:

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/12/2021 04:41

You are not married.
It's your house.
If you call the police to remove him, they will as he has no right to be there if you want him gone. He is taking the piss and knows it.

halloweenie13 · 02/12/2021 05:08

I'm so sorry you're going through this and unfortunately it sounds like you're caring for 2 children not one. I didn't have a baby with my ex but we lived together for just over 5 years and in the latter years he too sat gaming all day, not helping with anything, relying on me for money and calling in sick then eventually loosing his job altogether. Before covid I moved into my own place but unfortunately he had nowhere so came to live with me and being locked down with him was the straw that broke the camels back. You are worth more and need to get out now before you're years down the line more committed and potentially with more kids to think about. Work out your finances and situation, get advice about what he would have to pay and housing situation and get out now x

nocnoc · 02/12/2021 06:41

How awful. I stayed with a man like this and it’s ruined my life. I wish I’d got out when my child was a baby. I really regret that. Don’t be me. My kids are now older and it’s so much harder to leave. Do it now before there’s a lockdown and you’re stuck with him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2021 06:49

You have survived a lot OP, and you will easily survive this. Once you’ve done it the changes are you’ll wonder why on earth you waited so long.

You are in a good position because you own your house, have a job to go back to, and his financial contribution is virtually zero.

Pack his stuff up, put it on the doorstep in bin bags so it doesn’t get wet, change the locks, tell him to leave, shut the door.

Amy trouble call the police. The changes are he will be far too lazy to have more than short visits with your daughter (which should be encouraged of course) so I wouldn’t worry about overnights.

Focus on the future, sort out a nursery, Christmas, your financial plan so you can work PT..

TarasCrazyTiara · 02/12/2021 06:54

Please tell me your not married.

layladomino · 02/12/2021 07:55

Well done for telling him to go. You deserve so much better. He is immature, lazy, doesn't care for his child, disrespectful to you, doesn't care about your wellbeing, ignores you, gives the silent treatment, pust you down, spends money he doesn't have on games while saying he can't afford to buy a gift for his child, doesn't contribute his bit financially. The list goes on.

Your life will be much much easier not living with him. And it will be happier. Much better to be single / a single parent than to live with a man who doesn't love and support you and DC.

Keep strong. Don't let him worm his way back in. Seek legal advice if necessary. Also could you brother / friends help by being around when he leaves?

halloweenie13 · 02/12/2021 08:01

@layladomino

Your life will be much much easier not living with him. And it will be happier. Much better to be single / a single parent than to live with a man who doesn't love and support you and DC.

Keep strong. Don't let him worm his way back in. Seek legal advice if necessary. Also could you brother / friends help by being around when he leaves?

I second this having family or friends around to help move him on is helpful, obviously don't use excessive force or anything. But stick to your guns and keep reminding him of moving out and deadlines and remind him you will need to set up a child support payment plan.

Double3xposure · 02/12/2021 09:01

After he has moved out and if you want to let him see the baby , DONT let him come to your house. Ideally meet him out somewhere public, like a shopping centre , coffee shop or MacDonald.

Failing that, meet at some one else’s house ( friend, family member ) when they are at home.

wobblywinelover · 02/12/2021 09:31

Hope you're ok today OP, I know you feel terrified at the thought of ending it and being on your own but as a single parent myself I feel terrified at the thought of ever being involved with someone like him! Life on the other side is so much better. The process of cutting ties with this man might feel daunting right now but it's got to be done for yourself and your child's sanity and wellbeing. You are a strong person, draw on that determination we see here in your posts and you will be able to do it! The future is bright! Best wishes to you

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