Divorcing but staying friends.

[Panacotta]

Has anyone managed this?

How is it done with as little damage to a family as possible?

What do you mean by 'friends'?

I know people who have ended up friends but generally years down the line.
The process of divorce is awful even for a couple who have mutually decided to break up never mind if there any issues like affairs involved.

@Signalstation

What do you mean by 'friends'?

I mean that. Civilised co-parents, who both decide it's for the best to separate.

Realise this sounds like Gwyneth & Chris' conscious uncoupling!

Just wondering if anyone else has achieved this? Amicably.

Many couples intend to remain amicable. The friendship disappears when the financial implications become apparent.

Yes of course it's possible, does depend on circumstances of the split and if you're both able to get past any bitter feelings for each other, it's in the best interest of the children to get along.
I'd say I'm on good terms with my ex husband, I found this fairly easy tbh I no longer had feelings for him in a romantic way by the end. He can see the kids as often as he likes and I'm comfortable to have a cuppa tea and a chat while he's at my house, he is very responsible father, he wants to see them, he pays for their maintenance, I'm very glad he does as I don't have any family interested in my children.
Not all mothers have a reliable ex and not all fathers have a co operative ex so can understand how it's hard to stay friendly, it takes two to rise above it and get on with it.

I think if it happens it happens down the line when the dust has settled. Both ex's have to be on the same page as well - a genuinely mutual decision to split . Any lingering hurt, feelings of betrayal and/or big financial inequalities etc will put the proverbial spanner in the works.

'friendly' maybe more achievable than 'friends'

I did. DCs were 15 and five. He was an arsehole but it was easier to be nice and pretend and keep him on side. The first couple of years were tough and very up and down. We managed very well with things like birthday dinners, wider family occasions (his side, not mine), parents evenings, younger DC's birthday parties etc.

Funnily enough, it got miles easier when he met someone new as we got on really well. He was a bit more settled as he was happier and he was better behaved cos she was around. For a few years we did big Christmases etc. Then they broke up but we're (DCs and me) still good friends with her and her DCs!

My DCs are older now and he lives further away so I don't have as much to do with him as they can travel independently, but it's friendly when we see each other and we text frequently.

Has anyone managed this?

I know a few ex couples who have managed this, it took a lot of effort during a very emotionally charged time.

The best advice I heard from one of my divorced mates who managed this was not to listen to shit stirring 'friends' who were encouraging them to take a hard line on everything during the split.

It's very, very difficult, I think. Divorce is legally an adversarial process, you are quite literally on opposite sides, and financially you have to split a very much finite, fixed pool of assets in a zero-sum game.

I think the best you can do is be prepared to be a little flexible and try not to get vindictive or personal as much as possible. Focus on the future not the past; the sins against the marriage, on both sides, are irrelevant once it is over - all that matters is the future wellbeing of both separate parents and most of all the children.

I have stayed on good terms with my ex. We're not best buddies or anything but when we met for handovers we would always chat for 10 mins or so and if he was over this way he was welcome to come in for a cuppa. He has since remarried and his wife is nice - again we're not going to be going out together for an evening out but it's all very civilised.
My kids are adults now and I know that if they get married or have children themselves then they know we can all be in the same room and everyone will get on just fine.

We have friends who lend their very nice house to his ex & her DH, whilst they're on holiday. My friend says her SIL is always acutely uncomfortable when she & ex are in the same room at family events. But she says it's fine as her DH was divorced when she met him, etc, so no angst.

They live in a holiday place, so the ex gets a seaside holiday.

Yes I’ve managed it - had to bite my tongue a few times but nothing major. Our kids were 3 and 8 at the time. I think it helped we sorted the divorce ourselves with no solicitors involved. I went for a free half hour consultation- explained we were amicable and wanted to do things nicely but they instantly want to make it more confrontational. Obviously they’re out to get the best deal for you as their client but I think if solicitors get involved no matter what the intention it will strain the relationship in my opinion.

Can't imagine being friends is even possible especially if it gets nasty in terms of assets and finances.

4 years down the line I would consider xh and I friends. We work together, we co-parent well 50/50, we've holidayed together and do birthdays and Christmas together. I moved in during the first lockdown so we were all together and more recently stayed for a few weeks in between house moves.

But it was hard initially, and it's only because I am reasonable to a fault! Neither of us has had other relationships, there was no cheating. Everything we do is for the dc and at 9 & 8 they are happy and well adjusted, and being set a good example by us I think

Of course can be done.
Probably helps if you've drifted apart rather than some kind of big incident, if you think the same about division of assets and care of children -- the usual flashpoints.
Certain types of friends (and lawyers) are probably also best avoided as they can stoke conflict.

I only know one couple who have managed it, and they were basically living like best mates for years anyway so when they finally split it didn't feel much different.

We had remained in the same home and amicable for the last five months. I was feeling pretty positive (and potentially smug).

Then I went away last weekend and he invited his girlfriend of five days to spend the whole weekend in my home with him. And our children. And left the children to tell me.

I am feeling decidedly less amicable now...

@ItsDinah

Many couples intend to remain amicable. The friendship disappears when the financial implications become apparent.

Totally agree

@PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears

I did. DCs were 15 and five. He was an arsehole but it was easier to be nice and pretend and keep him on side. The first couple of years were tough and very up and down. We managed very well with things like birthday dinners, wider family occasions (his side, not mine), parents evenings, younger DC's birthday parties etc.

Funnily enough, it got miles easier when he met someone new as we got on really well. He was a bit more settled as he was happier and he was better behaved cos she was around. For a few years we did big Christmases etc. Then they broke up but we're (DCs and me) still good friends with her and her DCs!

My DCs are older now and he lives further away so I don't have as much to do with him as they can travel independently, but it's friendly when we see each other and we text frequently.

That sounds very grown up & how lovely for your kids!

@stalkersaga

It's very, very difficult, I think. Divorce is legally an adversarial process, you are quite literally on opposite sides, and financially you have to split a very much finite, fixed pool of assets in a zero-sum game.

I think the best you can do is be prepared to be a little flexible and try not to get vindictive or personal as much as possible. Focus on the future not the past; the sins against the marriage, on both sides, are irrelevant once it is over - all that matters is the future wellbeing of both separate parents and most of all the children.

Sounds wise.

@lanbro

4 years down the line I would consider xh and I friends. We work together, we co-parent well 50/50, we've holidayed together and do birthdays and Christmas together. I moved in during the first lockdown so we were all together and more recently stayed for a few weeks in between house moves.

But it was hard initially, and it's only because I am reasonable to a fault! Neither of us has had other relationships, there was no cheating. Everything we do is for the dc and at 9 & 8 they are happy and well adjusted, and being set a good example by us I think

Sounds great. I can imagine it's a lot easier with no one else involved

@ILoveAnOwl

We had remained in the same home and amicable for the last five months. I was feeling pretty positive (and potentially smug).

Then I went away last weekend and he invited his girlfriend of five days to spend the whole weekend in my home with him. And our children. And left the children to tell me.

I am feeling decidedly less amicable now...

I can imagine!!!