Divorcing but staying friends.

[Panacotta]

Has anyone managed this?

How is it done with as little damage to a family as possible?

My mum and dad divorced when I was 5 and they're great friends. I'm really pleased they're not together. I can't imagine them together 😂😂 both happily married now to other people

Yes, I would say exDH and I have managed to remain friends. I have had to really bite my tongue and take a lot of crap at the start (I was the instigator of the break up). But we always got along on a friend level so that helps. In addition I had emotionally checked out of the marriage for a while so I was able to be quite matter of fact about it.

Also we agreed a division of our assets without having solicitors involved and I highly recommend that if you can manage it. Another factor is that we were together more than 20 years and are both very fond of each other's families so there's an added incentive to keep things civil. Above all though I wanted to spare the DCs any tension or unhappiness I could.

Another factor I think is that professionally I do a lot of negotiation and dispute resolution so I was able to draw on those skills (including keeping my poker face)!

I think stbexh and I have been doing ok. Friends-ish I'd say. We've lived like friends/housemates for years though, and he's a very selfish, plus emotionally abusive manchild so I've been used to putting a friendly face on and biting my tongue for a long time and I just have to do that now.

It's early days though, and neither of us have met anyone new yet, so I'm aware things will change and maybe become harder down the line. He still says he loves me, cares about me and I'm his 'best friend' and while I don't feel that way at all I have no animosity towards him. He's not someone I'd choose to spend time with socially (he won't socialise, part of why we agreed to split) but he's welcome in for a brew and chat at handover, will likely come with us to Christmas events and pop round on Xmas day. He's offered to pay for a summer holiday for me and the kids and will either come or not, whatever I decide. Not sure about that one yet, going to sit on it a while.

We agreed finances before seeing solicitors to draw up a final agreement, that will then form the basis for our actual divorce - roll on April! I think that's reduced any potential for bad feeling. We did find once solicitors were involved they seemed to be instigating a bit more conflict; if H and I were not in contact it would have appeared as if he was trying to go back on some arrangements but actually he wasn't, his solicitor was trying it on. He's basically agreed to my wishes regarding maintenance amount and what we do with our house as he knows how badly he fucked up our marriage, so I think that helps. If he'd disputed everything there is no way I could have been as civil as I have.

We’re doing ok so far. We made a choice between ‘grind on for another year, and another after that’ vs ‘get out now with our dignity intact, while DC is small’. We agreed the financial separation between ourselves. I was calm an persistent in what I was asking for from the outset-knew my worth but not greedy-DH agreed voluntarily, eventually. We both could have fought on that but chose not to. Child is happy and sees plenty of both of us. We still have to finalise everything but I’m optimistic.

Yep. Managed a year of family days out, shared birthdays, attended school events together etc Even spent Christmas together the first year.
Ex dh was such a good friend and brilliant co parent but then boom, he met his someone new and everything went downhill sadly

I really wanted to have some kind of relationship with my ex (he just moved out four months ago), so I would occasionally send him a text asking about his new job and such. He however would only reply when necessary. (He is obviously hurt because I ended it.) Also, I was hoping we would have kids birthdays and holidays together. He told me right away yes to birthdays but no to holidays. However, he only ended up coming to one birthday dinner and to the next one he said, he would not be coming.

At that point I thought to myself, whatever, I am not going to continue making an effort if he is not willing to cooperate. Our kids are grown up though, only one of three is underage, so we do not have anything to discuss, thank god, as I see he would make it as hard as possible.

@Panacotta

Has anyone managed this?

How is it done with as little damage to a family as possible?

I have in a big way but it took time. It took space.

No children. We didn’t divorce over anything contentious except just changing. It still hurt and dividing assets was tense but not out of this world.

I think a lot of it was me just accepting the reality of my situation.

I also stay away from his family as much as it hurts because I don’t want to stand in the way of any new life he builds. (My family in savage and cut him off like a switch) I just love him enough to not be a ghost who stands in the way of him finding someone of value. (I miss my family with him but it’s the right thing)

Anyway no cheating or super unkind remarks. So.. yeah I think circumstances are important

We are friends but not good as a best friend . .. new partners and diversions lead to more distance even if there are no romantic feelings.

If you mean friends were I could legit call him and ask him for help? Yes. Could I share a joke or whatever? Yes.

Could I count on him to really connect like a friend? No.

Friends don’t have the same boundaries…. Oh and we don’t do double dates or anything like that. It’s not a TV sitcoms thing but very good for what it is

I don't want to be friends with him, as his behaviour was awful. Once the financial dealings are over, I will never speak to him again. I feel completely indifferent about him now.

@silentpool

I don't want to be friends with him, as his behaviour was awful. Once the financial dealings are over, I will never speak to him again. I feel completely indifferent about him now.

Yes! No need to be available or around to someone who has been awful!!! There is nothing good in store if you did!

I think women will forever stay surprised how little time it takes to put these men in the past… they have a harder time

I'd say no. In order to stay friends someone (usually anecdotally from here the woman) has to compromise financially. Despite being the lower earner due to child rearing, wanting things to be 'fair' for their ex husbands, not thinking it's 'fair' to get financially what is considered legally fair. Usually as long as one person pretty much always gives in, and allows the other the control the divorce and child custody arrangements, then they seem to stay friendly. If either party, male or female, tried to negotiate a fairer in their opinion split, the friendliness seems to dissipate quickly.

@SD1978 true I think children really make the difference.

I can’t imagine my past situation with children … it would be so different

Let’s be real. When you say “who both decide it’s for the best to seperate”, what you really mean is that one person has decided they want to seperate and the other doesn’t put up a big fuss over it.
Rarely if ever do both people just “decide to seperate”. Given that your making this post I think it’s likely the person deciding to seperate is you. So what you really want to know is can your DH be civil for the children and make a show of still being close with you even though you are leaving him. To which the answer is possibly.

But genuine friends? No, to the partner being left there will always be resentment toward the partner who went back on their wedding vows and changed their mind and split the family. I mean how could there not be?
Especially with young children, if you choose to leave your spouse you are telling someone they will no longer live with their own children all the time and you may bring in a new lover who will get to know their children. You are fundamentally changing their relationship with their own children for the worse of your own accord after promising to be a parenting team in it together.

So friends, no I don’t believe it is possible. It’s possible people can not lash out because they’re hurt in order to avoid emotionally damaging the children more though.

@freeatlast2021

I mean you left him. Why on earth would you think it was reasonable for him to do holidays and other things with you as though you hadn’t? How can you realistically be upset about that when you are the one who made it so he wouldn’t be at those things by leaving him?

That’s not him making things difficult, it’s him responding to you making things difficult. If you wanted a relationship with your ex in a family sense then why divorce him? You can’t have your cake and eat it to.

I'd say that we had the most amicable divorce you could have. But I would never consider him to be my "friend". There were reasons for the divorce and I can't forget those reasons. I see him about twice a year at family functions and we chat in a friendly way, but we'll never be friends.

I think @TarasCrazyTiara describe it best.
If both people decide it’s over, then yes, you can stay “friends”, but if one person decides it’s over for them, then no.
My ExW was a cheater, and I never wanted to see her again and don’t care what she is doing

@freeatlast2021 also agree with the comments the why would your ex want to go on holiday with you?

People who possess emotional intelligence and maturity can remain civilised for sure. I don't understand this friends thing though. Perhaps I have a different understanding of what it is to be a friend. If you remain friends then you'll be spending time together, calling one another up when you're feeling down, arranging days out together, meeting up at the pub, going to the gym and pilates classes together, buying one another gifts for Christmas, telling one another about your falling-out with your mother/boss/significant other.. ?!?

Yes, we did. Both equally wanted to separate. We had two homes so neither became homeless, and we both had good jobs. DC were young adults. No lawyers were involved, the financial agreement was v straightforward so it was just a question of filling in forms and writing out a cheque to the court.

Six years later and he is struggling following some bad decisions by him. I try to be his friend by talking him through stuff but I’m losing patience as he is taking out his frustration and anxiety on the DC. If I never saw him again I would not be sad - but to be honest I feel like that about quite a few old friends! I’ve moved on.

My ex and I did (no kids involved) but it didn't happen straight away it took about 18 months (we stayed in the house for a year until it sold and that was hell). For us though we had some tragic news last year during lockdown 1 which actually cemented our friendship.

I've been separated, now divorced from my ExH for over 5 years. The first two years were tough as he wasn't happy that Id asked for a divorce. But our relationship got much better over the years. We have been on holiday abroad these past two years, spent Christmas day together last year. We go to parents evening together.
He did however become a bit of a knob when he started dating someone 8 weeks ago. Started messing about with times etc. Got cocky and disrespectful, which was highlighted to him. But generally, since Ive had words, he's stopped being a knob!

I split up with my ex when our son was two and we co-parent so closely and amicably that we've decided to have another child together, who'll be arriving soon. We still operate as a family unit - spend a lot of time together, he's at my house (previously our house) all the time, visit family together - but we live separately, are not a romantic couple and would be free to be with other people (though I obviously wouldn't want to do that while pregnant or with a young baby!) . It remains to be seen what will happen when we ultimately meet new partners, that will be a bridge to cross, but obviously not for quite a while, and I can't imagine anyone wanting to come into this dynamic as it is at the moment so we'll have to see how things evolve.

Am aware this situation would not be for everyone but it works very well for us and our son. So yes it is possible to split and stay friends!

@mswales

I split up with my ex when our son was two and we co-parent so closely and amicably that we've decided to have another child together, who'll be arriving soon. We still operate as a family unit - spend a lot of time together, he's at my house (previously our house) all the time, visit family together - but we live separately, are not a romantic couple and would be free to be with other people (though I obviously wouldn't want to do that while pregnant or with a young baby!) . It remains to be seen what will happen when we ultimately meet new partners, that will be a bridge to cross, but obviously not for quite a while, and I can't imagine anyone wanting to come into this dynamic as it is at the moment so we'll have to see how things evolve.

Am aware this situation would not be for everyone but it works very well for us and our son. So yes it is possible to split and stay friends!

Sounds very civilised !

@FabulousMrFifty

I think *@TarasCrazyTiara* describe it best. If both people decide it’s over, then yes, you can stay “friends”, but if one person decides it’s over for them, then no. My ExW was a cheater, and I never wanted to see her again and don’t care what she is doing

@freeatlast2021 also agree with the comments the why would your ex want to go on holiday with you?

I guess if you share children then it might be nice for them, if everyone can get on well enough to spend a holiday together?

@silentpool

I don't want to be friends with him, as his behaviour was awful. Once the financial dealings are over, I will never speak to him again. I feel completely indifferent about him now.

Totally understand if someone is awful. Good for you!!

Saw an advert for ‘Uncouple’ yesterday - service being offered by a Solicitors called Withersworldwide. Thought of Gwyneth and Chris but it sounds popular.

We've managed it so far although not actually divorced yet (separated just over 2 years). We had ended up living together just as friends before we separated and then due to Covid had a year lining together in separate bedrooms before he managed to buy a place.

We did use solicitors for the separation agreement but had already decided to keep what was ours. We've been on holiday together, will spend Xmas together and have had birthday meals and family days out.

He's a friend in that he'll come and help me out with the house/car (although these are also of use to his DC and good to have working properly got them!) but I don't call him up for chats.

He has has a few OLD and did become a bit of a knob then as others have said but he's decided now that women are too much trouble. Ha has two feminist daughters as well 🤣

So, so far so good - and we'll just see how we get on when we actually divorce and any new partners come on the scene.