Feeling sad he didn't choose me

[sadiesad]

I'm a regular but NC, though I posted about this relationship a short while back under another NC.

My bf of 2 years has had a female best friend for a decade who has always been very hostile towards me. It didn't matter how much effort I put into being friendly, she would snub me to my face in front of my bf. Examples are turning on her heel and walking away when we bumped into her, ignoring me completely when we'd meet up with her and her husband (while getting touchy feely with my bf), and never replying to my greetings - not even making eye contact. When I interrogated my bf further it transpired that she was against him dating (before she even knew about me) and has always been a bit 'possessive' and demanding of his time. She wanted to see him multiple times a week, they used to message multiple times a day and when he started seeing me and didn't have that kind of availability she would get passive aggressive and take it out on me, when we saw her. He showed me the messages when I asked to see what he meant. For most of our relationship she would meet up just with him, but if he ever suggested I come along, she'd get pissy with him. And soon I stopped wanting to go even when others were present, as she was so rude to me, it was upsetting. So I felt completely excluded from his social life. She'd also try to sabotage by leaving him off social group invites if we went on holiday together or did anything that seemed like he was building a life with me - so he started feeling ostracised from his friends as well. None of them had any issue with me, her own husband liked me. Both he and her husband tried to talk to her, and she'd just blame it on me saying I was the one with a problem.

It caused a lot of problems and arguments as he never seemed to stand up for me with her. After she'd be hostile, they wouldn't talk for some weeks but then pick up where they left off - nothing ever discussed or resolved. My bf hates confrontation but kept promising he'd talk to her and get to the bottom of it - 2 years, he never did. Always excuses about how he couldn't find the right time, the right moment blah blah.

Anyway, today I finally had enough and asked him if he was ever going to resolve this. And he said he didn't think there could be a resolution. He didn't think the friendship and relationship should be mutually exclusive even though he accepts she is the one causing all the problems. I have never ever made him choose between us but this time I asked him point blank - if he still intended on maintaining a friendship with her, even though he now accepts she has tried to sabotage us, is horrid to me, and it's not purely platonic on her end (also her husband was his friend first, and they are still very close).

He told me that while he accepted the friendship couldn't be as 'intense' as it once was, he always wanted to have her in his life as some sort of friend as he valued their history.

When I told him he couldn't possibly expect me to stay with him if he wanted to stay friends with someone who is rude to me/hurts me/and possibly has feelings for him. He said he understood that and understood that it was too much to ask of me, and while he was sorry for all the hurt it has caused, they had too much history for him to give up on the friendship. So I decided to hang on to my pride and end things, because after 2 years he hasn't done anything to call her out on her BS. He never was, was he?

But I feel devastated. I can't understand why he would choose to maintain a friendship with someone who clearly just wants him to be single, over a relationship he actually enjoyed. He loved me, was happy with me, always said he felt lucky to have met me - other than her, we never argued over anything. She is married to his friend and I really don't believe he fancied her/wanted to be with her - so why was he so reluctant to challenge her or even walk away from her.

I really loved him, so keep waivering on my decision. Please MN, help me make sense of this and tell me if I did the right thing or not? I feel really sad and lost atm.

Yes I was going to ask what her husband makes of all this. I mean what has your DP’s relationships got to do with her!? Isn’t her husband fed up with her behaviour as it sounds like she wants to be with him.

Your oh us either a spineless twat who won't stickup for you or have your back against someone who is rude and aggressive towards you

Or he likes all the attention and having two women fight over him

Or he has no respect for you

Or is selfish

Or all of the above

Either way, you're best off out of it.... imagine being married and having dc with someone like that

Well done OP - you’re well out of it. Keep strong. My brother’s wife is like this woman, she has a male ‘best friend’ who she seems to sort of keep in reserve (in case she goes off my brother maybe, who knows). They have a really strange relationship where he seems to fawn over her and she always has a problem with his girlfriends but then has to comfort him when they inevitably break up. She insisted on him being my brother’s best man but had him attend her hen do. She’ll go off on nights out with him while my brother babysits the kids. They’ve even been away on holiday abroad together, just them, while my brother stayed home and looked after the kids. We have no idea if they have slept together / are sleeping together but it wouldn’t surprise me. Although I get the feeling it’s more unrequited on his side and she just loves the attention. It’s horrible and weird to watch - you’ve definitely done the right thing. I would put money on you not being the first girlfriend she has successfully managed to get rid of. Go and find yourself a nice guy who is completely unattached and worships the ground you walk on.

I would be so annoyed by his trite little comment. Sounds like the sort of thing a broadband company might say to a customer who has decided to leave, rather than a person who has been left by someone they loved.
What's he so sorry about?
Sorry that he couldn't continue to stand by and do nothing whilst his toxic married friend continued treating you with unprovoked aggression and contempt?
Sorry that you weren't the kind of person who would conveniently let the pair of them walk all over you?
You gave him every chance but he has remained emotionally unavailable. The sad part is that he knew that but has been completely dishonest about it for two years.
You are so well rid of him.

Oh sod that. Seriously. You do not need to wait around to be picked.
He's a lamppost and she's peed all over him.
He sounds pathetic and obv enjoys her intensity and she's playing some sort of control game that makes her feel good to have his attention.
Hold your head up and don't look back.

@Bluntness100

Picking you op would mean loosing his friendship circle. Becayse he would loose her husband as his friend, and their social group

In addition and I mean this gently often when I see these things described it’s one sided, the person describing has done nothing wrong, and is the victim, in reality it’s often much more complex with jealousy on the victims side causing some of the issues.

I don’t know what his take would be, but the reality is, your relationship wasn’t strong enough he would loose his social circle for you, and it was always going to come to this.

I’m sorry, try to move on, as much as it hurts, I suspect it’s less about her, more about the wider circle and maybe a little in part due to some jealousy on your side.

Which is why I never asked him to choose all this while and made such an effort with her - finally leaving him to go alone to meet them. However, the social group only meet up every 3-4 months as people have moved away and have their own lives. So the core people who meet regularly are my bf and his friend/husband, as they live close by. Her husband has been happy to just spend time with him (understands the awkwardness) and most of the others aren't fussed about the politics as they know she has always had an issue with his gfs. So he could quite easily stop contact with her but maintain his social circle and stay civil with her. He's known them all a lot longer as they all went to uni together - friend's wife is the outsider but she's been there a long time.

He also has other social circles that are drama free. But like you say, he clearly didn't consider the relationship important enough to make any changes.

She has had an issue with a previous ex - who was actually her own friend. She was very against them going out (didn't like groups mixing apparently) and that ended quite quickly. So I did think it might be me initially but now I do believe it's just them and their dynamic.

Still, if our relationship was enough for him, he would have taken a stand a long time ago.

To posters asking what her husband thinks - he is like my bf, buries his head in the sand. He has a lot of hobbies and friends so quite likes that my bf meets his wife's emotional needs and is company for her while he goes off and does his own thing. He is neurodiverse I believe and my bf has commented he's not the most observant of or that interested in people and their problems. She married him for security, stability - he's a good man, does most of the house chores and is the safe bet. My bf shares more of her interests than her husband does so I think maybe the marriage works because they all play their part in it.

Well done for standing up for yourself. He is not worthy of you!

I went through a similar thing. Dated a guy who I learnt had a relationship with his "friend" prior to me.

The "friend" was engaged to someone else and had been when they had their affair for 10 years. She was not going to leave her finance so he decided he needed to move on.

News got to the friend that he was dating someone. He then ignored my calls and texts and a day later called and said that "friend" is very upset and is threatening to commit suicide over this. I chose not to be part of the shit show. So I checked out.

A year later he called saying he had made a mistake and wanted to get back together and that his "friend" had now got married.

I kindly declined.

So her Husband “quite likes that my bf meets his wife’s emotional needs…”

It sounds like a 3-way arrangement has evolved where she and your BF are essentially emotionally married. You have unwittingly been the OW, as have the others who came before you. She becomes enraged because, to her, he is cheating on her. He is validated by her ownership and the friction and drama that ensue when he creates a new triangle.

His insipid message reflects his lackluster commitment to you for the past 2 years. He will likely repeat this toxic pattern for decades to come. Kudos for using your agency and good sense to walk away from this train wreck.

You have done the right thing, well done for taking a stand and sticking with it.

There is a weird dynamic playing out, and your bf showed himself to be a part of that dynamic, not a victim of it. Maybe he likes feeling wanted. Maybe he feels some obligation to his old friend. Maybe he fancies her a bit. Maybe he likes being a hero to her damsel in distress. Whatever, you are now free of it, and free to meet someone for whom you are the priority, not another woman.

You said you got along with her DH really well. Depending on how well you know him I'd be very tempted to get in touch to say 'fairwell, you'll have heard we've split, I just couldn't cope with your wife's demands on him any more'. Because the DH is either complicit in all this (in which case that won't come as a shock to him) or he's utterly unaware of the fool his wife is making of him (and he ought to know).

How are you OP?