I'm a regular but NC, though I posted about this relationship a short while back under another NC.
My bf of 2 years has had a female best friend for a decade who has always been very hostile towards me. It didn't matter how much effort I put into being friendly, she would snub me to my face in front of my bf. Examples are turning on her heel and walking away when we bumped into her, ignoring me completely when we'd meet up with her and her husband (while getting touchy feely with my bf), and never replying to my greetings - not even making eye contact. When I interrogated my bf further it transpired that she was against him dating (before she even knew about me) and has always been a bit 'possessive' and demanding of his time. She wanted to see him multiple times a week, they used to message multiple times a day and when he started seeing me and didn't have that kind of availability she would get passive aggressive and take it out on me, when we saw her. He showed me the messages when I asked to see what he meant. For most of our relationship she would meet up just with him, but if he ever suggested I come along, she'd get pissy with him. And soon I stopped wanting to go even when others were present, as she was so rude to me, it was upsetting. So I felt completely excluded from his social life. She'd also try to sabotage by leaving him off social group invites if we went on holiday together or did anything that seemed like he was building a life with me - so he started feeling ostracised from his friends as well. None of them had any issue with me, her own husband liked me. Both he and her husband tried to talk to her, and she'd just blame it on me saying I was the one with a problem.
It caused a lot of problems and arguments as he never seemed to stand up for me with her. After she'd be hostile, they wouldn't talk for some weeks but then pick up where they left off - nothing ever discussed or resolved. My bf hates confrontation but kept promising he'd talk to her and get to the bottom of it - 2 years, he never did. Always excuses about how he couldn't find the right time, the right moment blah blah.
Anyway, today I finally had enough and asked him if he was ever going to resolve this. And he said he didn't think there could be a resolution. He didn't think the friendship and relationship should be mutually exclusive even though he accepts she is the one causing all the problems. I have never ever made him choose between us but this time I asked him point blank - if he still intended on maintaining a friendship with her, even though he now accepts she has tried to sabotage us, is horrid to me, and it's not purely platonic on her end (also her husband was his friend first, and they are still very close).
He told me that while he accepted the friendship couldn't be as 'intense' as it once was, he always wanted to have her in his life as some sort of friend as he valued their history.
When I told him he couldn't possibly expect me to stay with him if he wanted to stay friends with someone who is rude to me/hurts me/and possibly has feelings for him. He said he understood that and understood that it was too much to ask of me, and while he was sorry for all the hurt it has caused, they had too much history for him to give up on the friendship. So I decided to hang on to my pride and end things, because after 2 years he hasn't done anything to call her out on her BS. He never was, was he?
But I feel devastated. I can't understand why he would choose to maintain a friendship with someone who clearly just wants him to be single, over a relationship he actually enjoyed. He loved me, was happy with me, always said he felt lucky to have met me - other than her, we never argued over anything. She is married to his friend and I really don't believe he fancied her/wanted to be with her - so why was he so reluctant to challenge her or even walk away from her.
I really loved him, so keep waivering on my decision. Please MN, help me make sense of this and tell me if I did the right thing or not? I feel really sad and lost atm.