Feeling sad he didn't choose me

[sadiesad]

I'm a regular but NC, though I posted about this relationship a short while back under another NC.

My bf of 2 years has had a female best friend for a decade who has always been very hostile towards me. It didn't matter how much effort I put into being friendly, she would snub me to my face in front of my bf. Examples are turning on her heel and walking away when we bumped into her, ignoring me completely when we'd meet up with her and her husband (while getting touchy feely with my bf), and never replying to my greetings - not even making eye contact. When I interrogated my bf further it transpired that she was against him dating (before she even knew about me) and has always been a bit 'possessive' and demanding of his time. She wanted to see him multiple times a week, they used to message multiple times a day and when he started seeing me and didn't have that kind of availability she would get passive aggressive and take it out on me, when we saw her. He showed me the messages when I asked to see what he meant. For most of our relationship she would meet up just with him, but if he ever suggested I come along, she'd get pissy with him. And soon I stopped wanting to go even when others were present, as she was so rude to me, it was upsetting. So I felt completely excluded from his social life. She'd also try to sabotage by leaving him off social group invites if we went on holiday together or did anything that seemed like he was building a life with me - so he started feeling ostracised from his friends as well. None of them had any issue with me, her own husband liked me. Both he and her husband tried to talk to her, and she'd just blame it on me saying I was the one with a problem.

It caused a lot of problems and arguments as he never seemed to stand up for me with her. After she'd be hostile, they wouldn't talk for some weeks but then pick up where they left off - nothing ever discussed or resolved. My bf hates confrontation but kept promising he'd talk to her and get to the bottom of it - 2 years, he never did. Always excuses about how he couldn't find the right time, the right moment blah blah.

Anyway, today I finally had enough and asked him if he was ever going to resolve this. And he said he didn't think there could be a resolution. He didn't think the friendship and relationship should be mutually exclusive even though he accepts she is the one causing all the problems. I have never ever made him choose between us but this time I asked him point blank - if he still intended on maintaining a friendship with her, even though he now accepts she has tried to sabotage us, is horrid to me, and it's not purely platonic on her end (also her husband was his friend first, and they are still very close).

He told me that while he accepted the friendship couldn't be as 'intense' as it once was, he always wanted to have her in his life as some sort of friend as he valued their history.

When I told him he couldn't possibly expect me to stay with him if he wanted to stay friends with someone who is rude to me/hurts me/and possibly has feelings for him. He said he understood that and understood that it was too much to ask of me, and while he was sorry for all the hurt it has caused, they had too much history for him to give up on the friendship. So I decided to hang on to my pride and end things, because after 2 years he hasn't done anything to call her out on her BS. He never was, was he?

But I feel devastated. I can't understand why he would choose to maintain a friendship with someone who clearly just wants him to be single, over a relationship he actually enjoyed. He loved me, was happy with me, always said he felt lucky to have met me - other than her, we never argued over anything. She is married to his friend and I really don't believe he fancied her/wanted to be with her - so why was he so reluctant to challenge her or even walk away from her.

I really loved him, so keep waivering on my decision. Please MN, help me make sense of this and tell me if I did the right thing or not? I feel really sad and lost atm.

You gave him an ultimatum, OP, and it didn't go the way you hoped. I mean, I think you were right, as not having issued this ultimatum would have meant that a status quo you couldn't stand would have continued indefinitely, but those are the risks when you issue one.

I think your ex actually behaved far worse than his friend did. She sounds like an unpleasant individual, sure, but she didn't owe you anything you were clearly just a disliked passing girlfriend of a friend, in her eyes while he wasted two years of your life, and allowed you to be mistreated by a friend of his. He sounds tiresomely passive, and as though he thinks all life's problems can be solved by sticking his head in the sand and hoping they vanish.

BUT, on the other hand, longterm friendships especially when this longterm friendship is part of a settled friendship group, and she's married to another friend of his are very deep-rooted things for many people, as this shows.

Ultimately, she was right to think she was more important in his life than you were, unpleasant though it sounds to say so. But think of it if you're regretting your decision. Find someone for whom you're a necessity, not an option.

Their relationship sounds so fucked up. He’s like the friend equivalent of a mummy’s boy and has been quite pathetic. Did she try to sabotage his previous relationships too? It’s quite extraordinary that he’s let her get away with bullying you like that when you should be able to expect basic good manners towards a new partner from close friends.

But you did defend yourself op. In the biggest way. You ending this toxic situation and remocing yourself was the most courageous and best thing anyone could do in that circumstance.

Give yourself some more credit. Dont dwell on the past and what you could of done and be proud of what you are doing now

You did this right thing.

She looks clearly has a lot of issues. And if he ever gets with another woman, sadly they will go through hell with her too.

He will eventually see it himself, it’s just a shame he hasn’t seen it enough this time to realise what she’s doing to him.

Saying 'I'm sad it's come to this' is really passive- he chose this!

OP, you are well off out of it, you can't be competing for another woman if you are moving forward to have a full relationship and family with this man.

You will be happy this happened one day, that day isn't today, be kind to yourself, moan to friends, moan here, treat yourself. For sure you did the right thing though.

You're well shot of him. It sounds like a very weird situation!!

My ex did this to me. Everyone talked about my bf and this other woman clearly being more than friends, which was awkward as we all worked together. When she found out me and him were together she was awful to me, all the time. He never ever reassured me that there was nothing going on, and never stuck up for me when I told him she'd upset me. Even when my dad died she had a passive dig at me, and he was still laughing and joking (and flirting) with her in her office. I should have properly dealt with it but I was very young at the time, he was older, and my boss, and it was all a mess really.

Fast forward 20 years, me and him are in touch on social media and I asked him outright what the situation was with her. He still swerved giving me a straight answer, so that is my answer.

You've done the right thing. He hasn't, but you have. He'll realise his mistake somewhere down the line and you'll have moved on. I know you'll feel so sad now, but you would always be wondering, and stuck in awkward situations forever and it will wear you down. There are better things out there for you x

You did the right thing because he has a screw loose and this would have caused other problems too down the line in other areas, although you cleverly haven't stayed to see that.

Who on earth does this? What a plonker.

I'm sorry he didn't love you enough.

I'm staying strong and not going back on my decision. He emailed to say he is sorry and sad it has come to this. Like he didn't have any control over 'this'.
Reply: I’m sorry and sad you’ve chosen this. I hope for your sake you will want to properly be in a relationship one day.

@Unreasonabubble

He has bonked her somewhere in the past. She is married but still lusts after him and believes that he ought to worship her no matter what. And considering he was friends with the husband first, I have no doubt he does not want the husband to find out their intimate relationship and she is holding that against him.

You were on a hiding to nothing. I am so sorry.

My feelings too

I think he's in love with her and she loves that.
Her husband must be a fool tbh.

Total waste of oxygen, thank god you wised up!

Oh and you DID defend yourself. You kept your dignity, and showed this silly, aggressive, insecure weirdo that you were on a completely different level to her - never mind 'competing' (as she might have expected you to do) - you simply were polite, baffled at her hysterical behaviour, and backed off. She won't have liked that at all - it showcases her behaviour as odd, as pathetic, as something normal people would find embarrassing. She would have LOVED it if you'd had a stand-up row with her, catfight alert! Probably - so would he.

If you're going to reply to his silly drama email let it just be:

'Well it's your decision. Hopefully you won't still be saying that to yet another partner in ten years time. All I can say is - bloody exhausting being you, but I'm very happy to no longer be back in the schoolyard. Best of luck.'

@timeisnotaline

I'm staying strong and not going back on my decision. He emailed to say he is sorry and sad it has come to this. Like he didn't have any control over 'this'. Reply: I’m sorry and sad you’ve chosen this. I hope for your sake you will want to properly be in a relationship one day.

Yep, this and add that you're moving on to find your own happiness. Emphasise you're not waiting around for him to flip flop!

."He emailed to say he is sorry and sad it has come to this. "

I wouldn't bother to reply but if I did, I'd say it was your choice every single time you put her first and didn't defend me.

I think its highly likely that if you stand firm he will change his mind and tell you he will end the friendship. Although he sounds obsessed with her, few men will sit around bored and lonely waiting for an unavailable woman when there's an available one around. If he does this, be really careful, as he will either end the friendship and later start it up again, or take it underground.

• can I just add.

Any man you have to fight for, isn’t worth fighting for.

ESPECIALLY when it’s because of another woman.

You deserve SO much better than this.

Stop thinking of it as ' he didn't choose you '. He absolutely has and would have continued to choose you as his girlfriend if you had continued to accept this totally weird dynamic.
You have chosen to say no to the continuation of it. You have decided this half life with a creepy side thing is not working for you. I think you are well out of it its weird as hell xxxx

That is very strange indeed. Well done for leaving.

I totally get MIL vibes from that story, but she's not your MIL. Weird.

As someone fabulous further up the thread said "Find someone for whom you are a necessity not an option"
BOOM
Remind yourself of this every morning, everytime you feel a bit meh, everytime you miss him.
Statement of the day

This is a very bad man, and a weak, pathetic and easily-led coward.

OP - just keep reminding yourself of how weak he has been - and you will soon get past the heartbreak. He was never who you thought he was or wanted him to be. Just concentrate on making yourself happy and fabulous for now, and honestly, I would go no contact with the nasty weak bastard - you will get past it so much faster. Block him from absolutely everything. You are going to be okay.

The reason he didn’t “choose” you is the reason he didn’t confront his friend, he is a coward and possibly has feelings for this “friend” who clearly has him on a leash. This is such a weird dynamic and I can’t get my head around it. You haven’t lost anything with this creep who is fine to string along a woman whilst having intense feelings for this other weirdo who is married but doesn’t want her friend to date and isn’t poly? Wtaf this is so weird I am really glad you are out of it OP really fucking glad, I am so upset for you having to waste two years and so much effort to get basic respect in a relationship. You can PM me if you want to chat.

Something has gone on, or is still going on, between them. You may never know what it is but it is there to provoke such behaviour.

I'm sorry you are hurting but you did the right thing.

Im so sorry you are hurting, but you have chosen yourself and that is the biggest thing ever. Well done.

I think somewhere in the past something has gone on between them. She is unhinged, the husband is complicit and your ex is the biggest wimp ever, who enjoyed the attention.

You deserve someone in life who chooses you.

Picking you op would mean loosing his friendship circle. Becayse he would loose her husband as his friend, and their social group

In addition and I mean this gently often when I see these things described it’s one sided, the person describing has done nothing wrong, and is the victim, in reality it’s often much more complex with jealousy on the victims side causing some of the issues.

I don’t know what his take would be, but the reality is, your relationship wasn’t strong enough he would loose his social circle for you, and it was always going to come to this.

I’m sorry, try to move on, as much as it hurts, I suspect it’s less about her, more about the wider circle and maybe a little in part due to some jealousy on your side.

Her husband sounds like a fool.

You made the right choice