Am I in the wrong??

[Confused11112222]

Met a lovely man about seven months ago! He had been out of a relationship about six months and was absolutely devastated during that time, said I was the first person he showed any interest in since his ex. Things have been good however he wouldn’t commit after six months so I finished it and he came back saying he didn’t know what happened but he was ready to be serious!
All good, we text back and forth a lot and see each other when we can work depending. The problem is at the drop of a hat he will go to his ex’s parents house where he lives but leaves his fone In the car and they know nothing of me. They share no children but he feels like they are his family and he seems extremely emotionally attached to them and it’s the only times he hides things from me/ lies. My gut is screaming something isn’t right. His ex won’t have any contact at all with him but he still goes to her family home whenever he can. Am I unreasonable

He's not ready to move on.

So he lives with his ex’s parents? But his ex has no contact with him? And when he’s there he leaves his phone in the car?

Nah, that’s a load of bullshit, dump him.

Well hes not ready to be serious is he.

Thats really weird. He lives there? Or did you mean the ex lives there?

He doesn’t live there but he goes there and when he does he won’t speak to me he leaves his fone in the car and won’t tell me he’s going there he actively avoids telling me. Thanks for replying I feel like I’m going mad as he says he doesn’t see the issue and nobody else would have an issue with it

Sorry the ex lives there and she doesn’t go downstairs when he goes there I really don’t understand why he would kee going there

Why would he leave his phone in the car deliberately? And why hasn't he told them about you if their daughter's relationship with him is long over? I think you need to listen to your gut.

He’s not ready for a relationship yet. Seems like he’s trying to manage his ex in-laws’ perception of him. I wonder if there’s any hope on his part of a reconciliation with the ex..?

The ex is obviously not an ex.

How do you know she stays upstairs when he visits? The simplest explanation is usually the correct one and in this case I think he’s still seeing her.

I think deep down somewhere that’s why he still visits, he says I’m being stupid but it doesn’t sit right with me, he still calls her niece his niece etc

He is lying

No. Just no. You are wasting your time with this man.

He's not over her and if she beckoned he'd be running.

he says he doesn’t see the issue and nobody else would have an issue with it

Classic gaslighting there. Of course others would have an issue with it.

You need to trust your instincts here.

You can't trust him.

I think he's still seeing/sleeping with her.

My gut is screaming something isn’t right

Why does it matter to you what MN thinks, when this feeling is happening inside you? Why isn't this feeling top of your list of priorities to listen to? Why do you care if you're right or wrong? Surely even if you're told you're wrong by lots of posters who don't know you, your boyfriend, or anything about the nuances of the situation, you will still have your gut screaming at you?

The question, really, is why are you looking to silence your screaming red-flag-monitor, and why do you need back up to respect it?

A gut instinct isn't a thing to be questioned and put on trial for its veracity. A gut instinct is a signpost. Distance yourself from people and situations that make you feel like you need to question your gut instinct; this is one of them. If you stick to that simple rule, you'll avoid bad relationships in the future. It's not hard. You just have to listen to your gut (which you plainly do, because you've posted an interpretation of it), and follow its signposts. You don't need anyone to tell you you're right or wrong. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. There is no rulebook, so there is no right or wrong.

Thank you guys you have all confirmed what my gutt has told me that if she clicked he would run! Hurts but I havnt built myself up this strong to be knocked down again I know my worth! Thanks ladies!

I'm a female who would have an issue, so his argument falls flat there

Thank you so much everyone I felt like maybe I was being controlling I never ever wanted him t have no contact with them just some healthy boundaries and to be honest with me

He still goes to see his ex and lies and hides it. That's all you need to know, surely.

If he honestly thinks no one would have an issue with this, he must think women are pretty stupid.

I'd have an issue with this. He is either still seeing the family because he is actually going there to see the ex. Perhaps they are 'working' on things, hence the absolute need for them not to know about you.

He is unable to let go of the previous relationship and still wants to be part of that family.

Literally no other reasons to keep visiting the ex's family (with her there).

And how do you know she stays upstairs? Because he told you?

The fact the phone stays in the car and you are a complete secret says it all. I'd get rid of this one if I were you. something is seriously amiss here.

Controlling is when you try to change their behaviour, ie 'I don't like it when you do this, so stop doing it.'

Boundaries is when you control your behaviour, ie 'I don't like it when you do this, so I won't be around it/be in a relationship with someone who does it'.

In a healthy relationship, you calmly state your feelings, once. 'This makes me unhappy/I feel x when you do this/I can't be in a relationship with someone who behaves that way' etc. Then the other person gets a fair opportunity to respect you, talk to you about how you want things to be, and work out a compromise, so that you both get your needs met.

As soon as it turns into them calling you stupid/making you feel like you're the only person on the planet who would have this weird problem that you have, that's disrespect. Who cares if nobody else would have this problem? A loving partner would respect you, all of you, even weird quirks in you, rather than try to browbeat you into behaving like everybody else.

All of his actions show that he doesn't care how you feel. He wants to get on with feeling how he feels, without your stupid feelings getting in his way.

He's made a bit of a dick of himself, really.

@MeltedButter

he says he doesn’t see the issue and nobody else would have an issue with it

Classic gaslighting there. Of course others would have an issue with it.

You need to trust your instincts here.

You can't trust him.

I think he's still seeing/sleeping with her.

This. End it now, for your own sanity

My DH visits and occasionally stays with his previous mother in law. He has known her much longer than he has known me, they are good friends and she is of course grandma to the son from his first marriage. Difference is, she knows all about me, nothing about the visits is secret, so I have nothing to worry about.

Run

Her parents are happy for her ex to visit while she, their daughter, stays hiding in her bedroom upstairs to avoid him. Really??? Either worse patents ever or he's lying big time!