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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong??

54 replies

Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 16:32

Met a lovely man about seven months ago! He had been out of a relationship about six months and was absolutely devastated during that time, said I was the first person he showed any interest in since his ex. Things have been good however he wouldn’t commit after six months so I finished it and he came back saying he didn’t know what happened but he was ready to be serious!
All good, we text back and forth a lot and see each other when we can work depending. The problem is at the drop of a hat he will go to his ex’s parents house where he lives but leaves his fone In the car and they know nothing of me. They share no children but he feels like they are his family and he seems extremely emotionally attached to them and it’s the only times he hides things from me/ lies. My gut is screaming something isn’t right. His ex won’t have any contact at all with him but he still goes to her family home whenever he can. Am I unreasonable

OP posts:
BeaMends · 30/11/2021 17:29

I had a good relationship with the exIL's and used to visit them sometimes, but never when there was even a remote chance that exH was going to be there. I went out of my way to keep my relationship with them entirely separate to avoid any awkwardness.

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 17:29

It’s definitely over he said I either get over it or we’re done, I chose we were done

OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 30/11/2021 17:32

Good for you, OP! You don’t need to tolerate someone who hides your relationship, especially when he’s still deeply embedded in his ex’s family.

TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 17:35

@Confused11112222

It’s definitely over he said I either get over it or we’re done, I chose we were done
Wow. Can you imagine saying that to someone you love? 'I'm doing this thing that upsets you: get over it or leave.'

What a diamond.

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 17:39

I never felt like I compared to her anyway to be honest, decently best to move on and put this fish Back

OP posts:
Letsplough · 30/11/2021 17:42

Jeez OP that's very bizarre.
You did the right thing ending it, well done.

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 17:52

He claims it’s for his son that he goes there however the majority of the time his son isn’t with him and they message each other most days, I understand his son bonded with them but all I asked for was healthy boundaries like just going on occasions and random check ins however he claims they are his family and he’s putting his son first by still seeing them, they arnt the child’s grandparents

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 17:54

I would only ever be with a man that put his children before a relationship however I feel that maybe he’s making it worse for his son to go there when the ex wants nothing to do with them both?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 17:56

Asking for healthy boundaries is having poor boundaries yourself, OP.

Boundaries aren't something you request from other people. The only boundaries we need to concern ourselves with are our own.

IsThePopeCatholic · 30/11/2021 18:10

He’s lying and showing disrespect.

ChristmasFluff · 30/11/2021 18:30

Please don't try to reconcile the things he has said to you - because everything he has told you about his ex, her parents, and what goes on in that house, and why, is a lie.

Which would be obvious if he took his phone inside. Hence he leaves it in the car.

SunflowerTed · 30/11/2021 18:58

Red flags all over this. The fact he is lying says it all. What else is he lying about?

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 18:58

He prides himself on being honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 19:02

What an absolute joke and what an idiot I’ve been!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 19:09

People have been falling for lies and dodgy set ups since the beginning of time, OP. You're not the first and you won't be the last.

Be nice to yourself!

MollysDolly · 30/11/2021 19:13

@Confused11112222

Sorry the ex lives there and she doesn’t go downstairs when he goes there I really don’t understand why he would kee going there
What a crock of shit. Sorry. He's not going to the parents house. He's going to her house.

How on earth have you fallen for this???

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 19:14

I genuinely don’t know why I was so stupid to keep believing it I really don’t I just thought he was honest and I trusted him

OP posts:
MollysDolly · 30/11/2021 19:20

To be honest OP, that's a credit to your nature. People who can be fooled by such shitty behaviour, tend to be fooled on the basis that they themselves, are decent, honest, nice people. If you told someone something, it would be the truth. So you take it at face value from others that they act the same.

You don't expect something to be a lie, because you're not a liar. So you look for ways for it to be true, because it goes against the grain of how you tick, to think someone who cares for you is lying to your face.

He's a prick. And thinks you (and by the sounds of it all women) are stupid.

Congratulations on your newly found freedom!

samesign · 30/11/2021 19:22

I also wouldn't believe he's seeing the parents at the drop of a hat, leaving his phone in the car, very shady. Even if it's true, he cannot move on.
You've definitely done the right thing to end it so stop giving yourself a hard time, you tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but if it's not feeling right to you then you shouldn't ignore it.

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 19:30

Thank you everybody for all your support and kind words it really helps ❤️

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 20:17

@Confused11112222

I genuinely don’t know why I was so stupid to keep believing it I really don’t I just thought he was honest and I trusted him
You kept believing it because you're a nice person who thinks the best of people and gives them the benefit of the doubt. All of which are really good qualities, and will help you to have a happy, healthy relationship in the future.

You're only stupid if you the same thing again, having been given the lesson.

You don't need to change yourself. You need to change the people you choose to get close to.

Original poster
Confused11112222 · 30/11/2021 20:19

Honestly you lot are so kind thank you so much xxx

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 30/11/2021 23:08

I genuinely don’t know why I was so stupid to keep believing it I really don’t I just thought he was honest and I trusted him

When you are an honest and trustworthy person yourself, it's actually very hard to wrap your head around the possibility that someone who says they care about you could be blatantly deceiving you with no apparent remorse.

You know that your own conscience/sense of right and wrong would not allow you to live that way without causing you extreme stress, so it's hard to grasp the two-facedness of someone who says they care about you and then does things they know are hurtful to you.

Don't feel stupid – trusting people to behave honestly and respectfully is normal because most people are like you; they simply couldn't or wouldn't treat others dishonestly or disrespectfully.

Occasionally though, you encounter someone who is not normal, and can and do behave like this. They get away with it for the very reason that most people don't behave like this so most people don't expect others to behave like this either, and they give the dishonest person the benefit of the doubt.

You've learned a tough but valuable lesson. When your gut starts screaming at you that something isn't right, it's a sign to listen to yourself, sit down, and look at what's going on with a different set of eyes on – not the eyes that love and trust this person, but the eyes of a detective or maybe your mother or a dear friend who cares about you. How would they see what's going on?

Write the situation down in detail. Think about what questions the objective person would ask. Read back over what you've written and try to pick out the elements that don't line up ... like the fact that he told you his ex won't speak to him, but her parents are apparently happy for him to visit regularly.

Apply your own logic: if you had a daughter who didn't want any contact with her ex, would you really invite him into your home on a regular basis? No, that's ridiculous. So something is clearly off, something that cannot be waved away with vague or convoluted explanations, or a declaration that you "should trust him, because he prides himself on his honesty." In fact, anyone telling you (rather than showing you) they are very honest is a red flag in the first place.

Booboo24 · 01/12/2021 09:04

My first reaction was his parents are nothing to do with the breakup, they were probably a big part of his life, and even though I've been divorced 8 years, I still go and stay with my ex mother in law with the kids a couple of times a year, I class her as family still. However, she knows all about my fiance, she sends Chhristmas cards to both of us and gives his son a Christmas present every year so there's no secrecy at all. I was wIth him from the age 14 so she's always been like a second mum to me.

In your case however, so many secrets and lies I really don't think he's over his ex and therefore is only going to hurt you in the long run

Triffid1 · 01/12/2021 10:36

Have you met his son? because I'm not convinced he doesn't have children with this woman and I think the whole story is a big lie. Well done for ending things.