8 months pregnant and struggling with in law anxiety

[sunflowersandstars]

Hey guys. Please bear with my long rant. I’m in my 8th month of pregnancy and have been trying not to stress over things and as much as I have been trying to take things easy, things keep getting twisted and complicated.

So around two years ago I experienced an early miscarriage. At the same time my SIL had a baby. I live in a joint family with my parents in law, but my SIL and BIL live in another country. My in laws were thrilled about the baby so clearly they didn’t really bother with what I was struggling with. I got frustrated and said some things about how the new baby in the family has become a problem to my best friend. My husband read my text messages. We had a huge fight over it. Some time later I and DH had a huge issue and I left the house and our marriage was falling apart, so my husband discussed all our issues with his family and also mentioned this incident to his brother and SIL where I had randomly said something about the baby when I was venting to my best friend. We did eventually patch up and I came back home, but my BIL and SIL have not spoken to me ever since. I tried communicating a couple of times but they ghosted me out, after which I just stopped trying. Earlier this year when they found out I was pregnant, they congratulated my husband and parents in law but not me. Later on, I was prescribed bed rest due to some issues and for over a month straight I was on strict bed rest but none of them tried to get in touch to ask about my health. My parents in law know all of this and have never tried to make an intervention to sort things out.

Anyway, coming to the point, they are coming over to stay for over a month and I’m very very worried about how it’ll get awkward and cold. My BIL is known to be rude and mean in terms of conversation. I’m a housewife, I don’t go out because I have been told to restrict activity, and my parents don’t live nearby. I have an otherwise very very good relationship with my parents in law and unmarried SILs. Idk how to deal with this. I’ve been told to not stress out on petty things as my blood pressure rises at times, but I can’t help thinking about how awkward it’s going to be for me in my own house. It’s making me nervous and worried. Please suggest what I can do to keep myself sane as I want to stay stress free and happy for the sake of my baby. Rant over.

They’re staying for a month? Fuck that
Say no

I wish I could but I can't. This house belongs to my parents in law and they're having them over. I'm going nuts about how weird it's going to get for me.

Do you live with your parents in law?

Why do you live with your in laws?

Can you and DH not look for a place of your own?

And what did you say about their baby?

I know a miscarriage would have been upsetting for you, but what had your SIL and baby done wrong?

@mybroomstick

Why do you live with your in laws?

Can you and DH not look for a place of your own?

Where I live, it's customary to move in with the parents in law after marriage. Also, DH is a huge family guy and would never consent to moving out. Generally, my parents in law are very very nice people. They've taken the best care of me throughout my pregnancy and have treated me like a daughter. It's just these my BIL and SIL that are a problem, and I suppose are going to remain a problem for more than a month. They're coming over this week won't be gone before Christmas break is over :(

Sorry about your first baby

Do you live with PIL?
Or PIL live with you and Bil/Sil are coming?

Honestly you need to chat to your DH and he needs to support you and manage this as he basically caused this.

Ideally i'd address upfront and ask for a call before they arrive via your DH or meet up as soon as they arrive

I'd go for
"Look I never intended for you to be hurt I am really sorry. I lost my baby and was in a dark place. I was jealous and hurting and behaved badly. I would never do that to you directly and they were private messages you should never have known about but you are regretful at how this played out"
Dh then needs to say he not only violated your privacy by aging through your phone but also your trust by airing this with in laws... 😑 he is very sorry for bring your private drama to their door and the hurt he must have caused.
You then go for a "we'd love to try and draw a line under this and take the opportunity to get to know their baby properly and want to start fresh now the baby is arriving and you hope the cousins can have a good relationship and so so can you"

If BIL / SIL want to pick the scab, tell you what what scummy person you are and rake our the coals there isn't much you can do but it says a lot about them.

Your DH doesn't come out of this looking like a Prince...

@mybroomstick

And what did you say about their baby?

I know a miscarriage would have been upsetting for you, but what had your SIL and baby done wrong?

I was having a hard time with the entire family being obsessed with the baby, and one day my best friend texted me to ask how I was feeling so I said the new baby has become very annoying for me. This is all I had said. And I didn't say this to anyone in the family. It was a text conversation with my best friend where I was venting out, which DH snooped into.

I think it completely depends on what you said about their baby on how you approach the situation.

Poster ...i dont think mumsnet is a good place for this. Unless you are ready for your marriage to be over. The advice they will give you here will make things worse in your marriage. UK culture is different to your culture.

For me i would welcone them warmly. I hope you have domestic help. Dont expect them to reciprocate at first. My undestanding is that they are coming to see the extended family and staying in the extended family house where you live?. So they are not particularly coming to stay with you?. Just avoid them as much as possible and when you are with them be friendly and warm...they may not reciprocate . I think you have to just accept that they may never like you and its not the end of the world.

@mybroomstick
I don't think baby and sil done anything wrong tbh, if you have never experienced a loss trust me I have had 4 miscarriages and seeing new born babies and pregnant women is like a knife to the heart because its what you should be looking forward to.

It's not the woman or baby at all it's to do with your own emotions,

@sunflowersandstars
This must be difficult for you congratulations on your rainbow baby, the sil prop does not know how raw you where feeling at the time. Try to take her aside and explain to her it was not her or baby it was ur own emotions. But your dh should have not opened his month with what he read in the first place have you got a friend you can stay with if needs be 💚

Okk i cross posted with other replies😁

said the new baby has become very annoying for me. This is all I had said

Jesus your DH is a bit of a dick..that really isn't crime of the century he must have really hammed it up.

Question: What is he doing to relieve your stress, support you and help smooth the waters with HIS family??

@Totalwasteofpaper

Sorry about your first baby

Do you live with PIL?
Or PIL live with you and Bil/Sil are coming?

Honestly you need to chat to your DH and he needs to support you and manage this as he basically caused this.

Ideally i'd address upfront and ask for a call before they arrive via your DH or meet up as soon as they arrive

I'd go for
"Look I never intended for you to be hurt I am really sorry. I lost my baby and was in a dark place. I was jealous and hurting and behaved badly. I would never do that to you directly and they were private messages you should never have known about but you are regretful at how this played out"
Dh then needs to say he not only violated your privacy by aging through your phone but also your trust by airing this with in laws... 😑 he is very sorry for bring your private drama to their door and the hurt he must have caused.
You then go for a "we'd love to try and draw a line under this and take the opportunity to get to know their baby properly and want to start fresh now the baby is arriving and you hope the cousins can have a good relationship and so so can you"

If BIL / SIL want to pick the scab, tell you what what scummy person you are and rake our the coals there isn't much you can do but it says a lot about them.

Your DH doesn't come out of this looking like a Prince...

Thank you @Totalwasteofpaper . You get where I'm coming from.

I live with my PIL. Which is why I don't have much of a say into who gets invited to stay and for how long.

DH did mention once that we will try to clear the air once they come over for Christmas and ofcourse I will take your wonderful advice, but what I'm scared of is the initial awkwardness. I don't even know if they will respond if I greet them once they come over. BIL is known to be very straightforward and rude and I'm very socially awkward this way. And if they do keep ghosting me the entire time that they're here, it'll just get weird for me day by day, since my PIL are very very fond of them and wouldn't say or do anything to upset them.

Are you south asian? If so now is the time to go to your Mum’s. This is why we have pregnancy traditions like this to protect mums

[quote Babyghirl]@mybroomstick
I don't think baby and sil done anything wrong tbh, if you have never experienced a loss trust me I have had 4 miscarriages and seeing new born babies and pregnant women is like a knife to the heart because its what you should be looking forward to.

It's not the woman or baby at all it's to do with your own emotions,

@sunflowersandstars
This must be difficult for you congratulations on your rainbow baby, the sil prop does not know how raw you where feeling at the time. Try to take her aside and explain to her it was not her or baby it was ur own emotions. But your dh should have not opened his month with what he read in the first place have you got a friend you can stay with if needs be 💚[/quote]
Thank you for understanding. I was actually going through an emotional turmoil at that time, and never meant bad for the baby or my SIL. I don't have friends where I live, and have been prescribed rest which is why I can't go out much except for doctor visits and scans. I'm hoping though that this doesn't turn out to be a sour drama :(

I haven't been exactly where you are but I do emphasise with the situation and have gone through similar. The fear is worse than doing it 😂

You need to talk to your DH and have a clear plan and I would do it ASAP.
Cultural factors are going to be at play here... @femfemlicious has a good point about that

Have a think about it a Maybe he talks to BIL and you talk to SIL?

Just try and rip the bandage off early.
Also remember if you are sincere, kind and apologetic to SIL and stress you want a good relationship she would have to be very cold hearted to say "I will never forgive you!!!! " most women understand how heartbreaking a miscarriage can be.

Also does your sil know you had a miscarriage? It isn’t often talked about so don’t assume anyone told them. It’s obvs a last ditch resort but if all else fails then just open up about it and say you are sorry but that you felt heartbroken over your child’s death and weren’t thinking straight. If they are still rude to you they are scum and not worth stressing over

@Totalwasteofpaper

said the new baby has become very annoying for me. This is all I had said

Jesus your DH is a bit of a dick..that really isn't crime of the century he must have really hammed it up.

Question: What is he doing to relieve your stress, support you and help smooth the waters with HIS family??

DH isn't doing much except wanting me to clear the air once they come over. He's been distant throughout the pregnancy anyway because we've hardly had any intimacy, since I have a low placenta and have been told to completely avoid sex and sexual stimulation. We also have other issues like he wants to move abroad for studies asap whereas I want him to delay his plans till the baby is born, and arrange for her visa so both of us can travel and live with him. Host of issues. Sigh!

@Totalwasteofpaper thanks for understanding what im saying. I thought i was going to be ripped a new one...i still may be

@Ozanj

Are you south asian? If so now is the time to go to your Mum’s. This is why we have pregnancy traditions like this to protect mums

Yes I'm south Asian and I would've loved to go stay at mums, but DH doesn't agree to that since he doesn't get along with my parents :(

@Ozanj

Also does your sil know you had a miscarriage? It isn’t often talked about so don’t assume anyone told them. It’s obvs a last ditch resort but if all else fails then just open up about it and say you are sorry but that you felt heartbroken over your child’s death and weren’t thinking straight. If they are still rude to you they are scum and not worth stressing over

She knew I had a mc and she got pregnant on the first try whereas I had a loss, and was struggling to conceive. Hence my emotions played up.

With all due respect that isn’t a decision your dh gets to make. Confinement traditions are female and doesn’t get to decide whether you go to your mums or not. Your mil does

I would put what totalwasteofpaper says including the bit from your Dh before they arrive and then sh can chase it up and hopefully Lear the air before they arrive

Ohhhh big hugs it sounds like you are kind of alone right now.
Pregnancy can be such a vulnerable time.

It sounds like you can't rely on your husband. Can you talk privately to your MIL and explain it all and say how you were grieving etc. and your are scared and sorry and ask for her help?
ask her if she would arrange some time for you and her to talk to SIL and then explain it to SIL? (Maybe even speak to sil before to soften her a bit before you talk to her?)

That way you have some support?
My heart goes out to you as I have a pretty good and supportive DH and mum and am generally quite fearsome but pregnancy has left me feeling vulnerable so I know it must be hard for you