8 months pregnant and struggling with in law anxiety

[sunflowersandstars]

Hey guys. Please bear with my long rant. I’m in my 8th month of pregnancy and have been trying not to stress over things and as much as I have been trying to take things easy, things keep getting twisted and complicated.

So around two years ago I experienced an early miscarriage. At the same time my SIL had a baby. I live in a joint family with my parents in law, but my SIL and BIL live in another country. My in laws were thrilled about the baby so clearly they didn’t really bother with what I was struggling with. I got frustrated and said some things about how the new baby in the family has become a problem to my best friend. My husband read my text messages. We had a huge fight over it. Some time later I and DH had a huge issue and I left the house and our marriage was falling apart, so my husband discussed all our issues with his family and also mentioned this incident to his brother and SIL where I had randomly said something about the baby when I was venting to my best friend. We did eventually patch up and I came back home, but my BIL and SIL have not spoken to me ever since. I tried communicating a couple of times but they ghosted me out, after which I just stopped trying. Earlier this year when they found out I was pregnant, they congratulated my husband and parents in law but not me. Later on, I was prescribed bed rest due to some issues and for over a month straight I was on strict bed rest but none of them tried to get in touch to ask about my health. My parents in law know all of this and have never tried to make an intervention to sort things out.

Anyway, coming to the point, they are coming over to stay for over a month and I’m very very worried about how it’ll get awkward and cold. My BIL is known to be rude and mean in terms of conversation. I’m a housewife, I don’t go out because I have been told to restrict activity, and my parents don’t live nearby. I have an otherwise very very good relationship with my parents in law and unmarried SILs. Idk how to deal with this. I’ve been told to not stress out on petty things as my blood pressure rises at times, but I can’t help thinking about how awkward it’s going to be for me in my own house. It’s making me nervous and worried. Please suggest what I can do to keep myself sane as I want to stay stress free and happy for the sake of my baby. Rant over.

Yes I'm south Asian and I would've loved to go stay at mums, but DH doesn't agree to that since he doesn't get along with my parents

What do you mean 'doesn't agree'? Excuse me, but what the actual F?? It's YOUR body, it's YOUR choice where you live, stay etc, it's not up to 'agree' or give consent. JUST....GO!!! Why are you letting him dictate what you do with your own health and own body?

The more you post about him, the more he sounds like a pos and I think you should separate and get a divorce asap.

Let him move abroad, then do not follow him. In fact, leave him, his parents home and go to your parents the minute he has left.

Seriously why are you letting the bastard dictate where you can go? I'm angry on your behalf but very frustrated with you that you allowing him to treat you this way. Just go to your parents. He can't tell you what to do! Who the hell does he think he is?!??

@Ozanj

With all due respect that isn’t a decision your dh gets to make. Confinement traditions are female and doesn’t get to decide whether you go to your mums or not. Your mil does

@Ozanj my MIL believes it's DH who gets to make the decision and I shouldn't bother about going to stay if he doesn't like it.

@sunflowersandstars So MIL is toxic too. Get as far away from the bastard and his mother as you possibly can! Run, don't walk! It's your health, your body, your life. You do want you want! Why are you allowing a male and his mother dictate your life? It's none of his business or her business.

Your DH needs to be the one apologising, he had no right to report the contents of your private message to anyone, and you have not behaved unreasonably in this at all.

When I was pregnant and up until DD was a year old my SIL would have almost nothing to do with my and my DB had very limited contact with me and DD. It was sad but understandable. They were 6 years into ttc with tens of thousands of pounds worth of failed IVF attempts behind them, when I got pregnant within 6 months of being married. It must have been terribly hard. Fortunately IVF worked in the end and once SIL was pregnant she was comfortable around my DD. I had the occasional whinge about the situation in private with DH, to get it off my chest, but could never be angry with DB/SIL.

You're DH, BIL and SIL all need to grow up and gain some perspective and empathy.

@Totalwasteofpaper thank you!! I just want to be stress free for the sake of my baby. Yours is brilliant advice about talking to MIL. That's what I was thinking earlier today. I will try and talk to her before they come over.

@Cyw2018 I'm just hoping they understand now and make this stay a chance to clear things out instead of making them sour. DH is unreasonable and I don't really expect him to help in working things out.

Try and ignore all the LTB posts...you are not dressed in boden and sitting in the home counties. it's not that easy or going to work for you.

Let us know how it goes with MIL...maybe bring her something she likes or make her a nice tea or meal or something?! to show good will.
if it goes well with this then maybe you can try and work on her regarding her helping/supporting you visiting your parents at some point once the baby is born. Our your parents coming to stay.

What you need to try and do is create allies elsewhere if your husband isn't going to lobby for you/ help you.
The babies may also be a really good opportunity to bond with SIL and MIL. Babies are a really good "new chapter" and can change family relationships

@Totalwasteofpaper

Try and ignore all the LTB posts...you are not dressed in boden and sitting in the home counties. it's not that easy or going to work for you.

Let us know how it goes with MIL...maybe bring her something she likes or make her a nice tea or meal or something?! to show good will.
if it goes well with this then maybe you can try and work on her regarding her helping/supporting you visiting your parents at some point once the baby is born. Our your parents coming to stay.

What you need to try and do is create allies elsewhere if your husband isn't going to lobby for you/ help you.
The babies may also be a really good opportunity to bond with SIL and MIL. Babies are a really good "new chapter" and can change family relationships

Yes, her husband does not put her welfare first, doesn't consider her wants or needs at all, controls her life, reads her messages, gaslights her and causes trouble for her and according to the OP isn't much help and causes more trouble than he's worth.....but lets encourage the woman to stay in such an abusive situation. Because that always works out.

@ClaudiaJ1

look, I don't want to derail this but yes, i agree it's really sub ideal.
In fact i've flagged her husband is a dickhead... But sometimes you have to work with what you have got and given where she is and the culture it's not that easy to pack your bags and book a flight put of dodge. there are a load of factors at play.

Heaping more stress/pressure on an 8 month pregnant women isn't that helpful. She doesn't seem in denial about her husband and recognises he isn't supportive / good in the ways she'd want. She needs help and support with her current problem...

You'll note I encourage her to try and find a way to see her parents which is a step towards more independence/ autonomy

@ClaudiaJ1 OP is a southeast Asian in southeast Asia. Its going to be almost impossible for her to do all what you are saying. Unless her parents are very rich and influential she is most likely to lose her child if she leaves him...or worse. It is VERY different to the UK.

Poster try as much as possible to get him to bring you to the UK with him. That way you have more choices.

@ClaudiaJ1 , @femfemlicious and @Totalwasteofpaper are right. Where I come from, we are bound in toxic traditions and unfortunately have to work our ways around them.

@femfemlicious DH does want to move abroad, it's just that I want him to delay his plans until after the baby arrives, so he's here when the baby is born and so all three of us can move together. Otherwise it'll be pretty stressful for me since this is going to be my first time giving birth, and post partum life is, as I've heard, pretty challenging. No matter how good my PIL are, I just don't want to be alone and without the father of my baby :(

If your DH wants to go abroad before the baby is born would that not mean you can go to your Mum’s? If he’s abroad would he be able to stop you getting support elsewhere?

@MolkosTeenageAngst if he does decide to leave before the baby is born, I will split my time between parents and PIL, but moving in with parents altogether would still not be a possibility. It'll just mean ruining my already dwindling relationship with him. Already dreading the challenges long distance might bring. And we haven't spoken about where I would get support from. He expects his parents to support me and the baby in his absence.

I feel for you @sunflowersandstars i am from a similar cultural background.thank God im out of it and dont have to put up with that bullshit. But you are in the thick of it so you just have to find ways around it.

There are some good bits with our type of culture but there are some really bad bits.

@ClaudiaJ1 - having a child gives a woman status in South Asian society particularly with her in laws. And in a situation like this where the DH is a pos then that means everything in terms of giving OP a good life.

Woah! He won't 'let' you stay with your parents because he doesn't like them... yet he expects you to live for a month with your BIL and SIL who actively don't like you and cause you untold stress while you're pregnant? Talk about double standards.

And it wouldn't hurt him at all for you to visit your parents. He doesn't have to go with you. Yet he would rather force you to stay with people who will make the month miserable for you?

And when he could activiely be trying to bridge the gap with BIL / SIL (the problem that he created by telling them about your message, which by the way he only saw because he was snooping) and yet he isn't even trying to do that.

Are you and his unborn child at all important to him?

It seems he likes traditions when they fit with what he wants, but not when they fit with what you want.

Please, for your own wellbeing and your child's, arrange to go and stay with your parents.

Oh dear, no please do not stress! I am sorry for your loss, but all your emotions at the time were understandable and it's not really fair that you're being punished for going through the normal process of grief!

I would try and approach your SIL, as a woman to woman, and explain how YOU felt, and how mc grief brings all these nasty feelings out. She is a mother, tap to that and connect over this, if she understands, things will become better overall gradually.

Hi op. I've read about your circumstances so the advice is obviously different to someone from a different country.

I also think that you should speak to your MIL and explain and tell her that you are stressed about SIL's reaction and worried that the stress may affect your baby.

And hopefully things will be fine with everyone.

That is all you can do so try not to worry.

DH snooped into.

He spied on your phone? You were just having a private conversation with your best friend, when you were grieving. Nothing wrong with that. He not only spied (very controlling) but also told his family about it.

Lots of other problems such as him being cold to you because you've been told you can't have sex for health reasons for you and your LO. The issue wiith him wanting to move abroad without you, not letting you stay at your mum's, etc etc. He sounds stroppy and controlling. Not a good guy OP.

Could you somehow get to your parents' place?

This sounds bad in all ways. You can’t live with your parents because why? It would upset your dh?
DH isn't doing much except wanting me to clear the air once they come over. He's been distant throughout the pregnancy anyway because we've hardly had any intimacy, since I have a low placenta and have been told to completely avoid sex and sexual stimulation. We also have other issues like he wants to move abroad for studies asap whereas I want him to delay his plans till the baby is born, and arrange for her visa so both of us can travel and live with him. Host of issues. Sigh!

1. Clearing the air is his problem. If he doesn’t do it and youre uncomfortable, move to your mums til they go. Tell him this is what will happen and it’s absolutely his choice; he can choose to make sure he’s fixed things or you go.
2. Tell him if he moves abroad and misses baby bein born, then when he moves you will move to your parents and baby will have your name. A parent selfish enough to choose to be absent for the most important parts and exactly when he’s needed is not a parent. My guess is you should probably do this anyway.

As an aside, turns out he can move away from his parents when it suits him! Just not when it suits you. Whcih comes back to you should probably leave him anyway. What are your options for living on your own? You’re not in the uk?

Leave it don't discuss it and just be normal as though everyone's forgotten about it. Surely they can't not talk to you? They'll have to. Don't address anything you wrote you don't need to explain yourself because ur husband blabbed. Don't give yourself anymore stress.

Update: Gave a serious thought to talking to MIL about it, but she's too busy preparing to welcome her DS and his family. The other DIL is also a clear favourite. My anxiety is shooting through the roof, though I think it'll just pass by whatever it is. The worst possible situation would be that they would actively ignore me and not talk at all.

Ladies, any tips for handling a situation like this where there are people in your house who don't like you and totally ignore your presence? I'm such a wuss in situations like these. I'm scared of being humiliated. How do I not let that get on my nerves?

They're arriving Thursday and I'm getting anxious by the hour.

Don't talk to MIL about it and stop stressing yourself. It might not be so bad on the day. Hopefully time will fly. Surely they won't be that cruel. Don't explain yourself and bring up bad feelings. That's the worse you can do.

@faithfulbird20 I spoke to my mum about it and she also thinks I should just behave normally and go with the flow. If they don't respond in a cordial manner, that's their decision. Even I don't want to bring up the topic with them. Just thinking about it makes me nervous even though I haven't even committed a cardinal sin