I don’t know how attractive I am, how can I know?

[Unsureseatlle]

I’m in my 30s and recently single. I’ve not dated for years and I’m about to start again.

I don’t know how attractive I am. Some people say I am, other times I feel I’m described as lesser than an average woman.

I know looks aren’t everything but I hate not knowing this! When I was younger and going out with groups of friends I feel like I knew where I was in terms of how attractive I was, as there was something to measure it against and the potential for male attention on a daily basis when going out at uni etc.

Despite how this post comes across I’m actually not a vain sort of person and I know that personality is what matters most. I guess with age this has started to bother me from a confidence perspective.

What have people said to make you think you aren't attractive?

@IGotHam nobody has said anything specific but I remember a while ago at work someone was commenting on how attractive x was and how she always looked good and it was sort of said in a way of ‘she looks so good why don’t we’ if that makes sense. More comments like that I suppose. Not from men but other women.

Do you think that how attractive you are is an objective fact?

One person will find you 100% attractive, another person will find you 70% attractive, another will find you 3% attractive. The reason you don't know is because there's nothing to know. It's just people's opinions.

Confidence is attractive, so being in a 'Am I? Or... maybe I'm not..? Oh god I hate this...' frame of mind will make you less attractive. Forget about it. Everyone in the world could find you hideous, but if the person of your dreams thought you were gorgeous, it wouldn't matter.

That’s true @TheFoundations . I guess I want to know if I’m generally below or above average. I don’t know why, I suppose before I go out there online dating

Attractiveness is subjective. One person might think you're gorgeous, another might think you're dull looking. Does it really even matter? Being so concerned about this is a huge waste of emotional energy.

Why does it bother you, OP? What difference will it make when you find out that you are somewhere average on the spectrum, as we all are?

Depends on what people think is attractive. Apparently just now it’s fake lashes, fake hair, massive slimey trout pout lips etc.

I must b a munter compared to that lot with my natural look lol!

What’s for you’ll no go by you. If someone doesn’t see my inner beauty they are clearly too busy with porn sites or too materialistic re this seasons fashion or whatever and can sod right off

Tbh I think if you were either really attractive or really unattractive, you'd probably know about it! Chances are you're somewhere in the middle, where as PP said some people will find you irresistible and others definitely not so. Are you able to just look in the mirror and try to be objective?

@TheFoundations it’s just a confidence thing I think. I used to think I was attractive enough and had enough interest but obviously I’ve aged!

Lots of people muse over this I'm sure.
It's good that you can acknowledge it, whilst knowing it doesn't really matter.
Part of being human, I guess.

[quote Unsureseatlle]@IGotHam nobody has said anything specific but I remember a while ago at work someone was commenting on how attractive x was and how she always looked good and it was sort of said in a way of ‘she looks so good why don’t we’ if that makes sense. More comments like that I suppose. Not from men but other women.[/quote]
And how much effort does this person make to look good all the time?

I'm told I'm naturally beautiful, but spend 99% of my time in my pyjamas with my hair scraped up, my friend fondly calls it my meth head chic look. That 1% of time that I bother, yes people notice. But does that make me a nice person? No of course not, I'm actually a bit of a judgemental dickhead and not everyone's cup of tea.

How's your confidence? Mine is shit and I'd hate to be out in the dating world now.

@Unsureseatlle

What other things do you do that give you confidence and self respect? What might somebody find lovely/brilliant/amazing/impressive about you?

Make a list. If it's not long, change your life so that it is long. Looks become less important when you're a world famous engineer who runs marathons, composes classical music, and does wing-walking in their free time. Obviously I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea.

I think the only way you can now whether you are attractive or not is put yourself out there, if you get many invites you are attracted, if you don’t you are normal.

Feeling such need to be attractive is actually quite unattractive. Love yourself more, that’s what makes people attractive, not their looks.

You could be the most attractive woman in the room and be a vapid airhead that nobody is interested in talking to. Look tidy and put together and then work on being confident and interesting - it really is the whole package. My OH looks a bit like Mr Potato Head but I fell for him because of his amusing chat, his lovely smile and his interest in me.

Attractive not attracted.

My idea of how attractive someone is and someone else’s idea might be completely different.

I think I’m really hot (jokes obviously) but I can’t seem to convince others!

Personality is everything. People love to be listened to and made to feel like they are special! Forget about yourself and make others feel special and they will find you irresistible!

well this will vary with each person who looks at you so not worth bothering.

im more concerned with how attractive i think a man is - let him worry

@pumpkinfan

Tbh I think if you were either really attractive or really unattractive, you'd probably know about it! Chances are you're somewhere in the middle, where as PP said some people will find you irresistible and others definitely not so. Are you able to just look in the mirror and try to be objective?

Agree with this. You should be quite average. I think if you were particularly beautiful or quite unattractive, you would have known it.

Whatever you do, don’t post a pic of yourself and ask us to score you!!! Those threads never go well!

If you are within the healthy BMI weight, that's massively in your favour. If you also work out so your body is toned, that makes you extra attractive. If these are both true, just get a good cut and colour of your hair, choose make up that suits your personality and clothes that suit your body shape and colouring. Then you will be more than averagely attractive.

You have the exact same means of gauging your attractiveness as the rest of us, surely? You see how people react to you and it becomes clear.

To be honest, most people are average. It’s highly unlikely that you’re either stunning or hideous (you’d know). You’re probably just a normal looking thirty something woman, who can look a bit nicer when she makes an effort. And that’s fine.

Most people are average.

Put your thought abd effort into assessing any potential partner's character and acting with self preservation & self esteem; that's what matters.

That's why conventionally very beautiful women like Marilyn Monroe or Halle Berry have had shitty, failed love lives .... lack of self esteem and good judgement.

There is a website called photofeeler where you can post your photo and have it rated. You need to rate other people's photos first to get 'credits' for yours to be rated. It's quite fun. You can choose who you want to review you - male, female, age bracket - and you can see how you rate compared with others e.g more attractive than 94% or whatever. You get a rating out of 10. Enjoy!