I don’t know how attractive I am, how can I know?

[Unsureseatlle]

I’m in my 30s and recently single. I’ve not dated for years and I’m about to start again.

I don’t know how attractive I am. Some people say I am, other times I feel I’m described as lesser than an average woman.

I know looks aren’t everything but I hate not knowing this! When I was younger and going out with groups of friends I feel like I knew where I was in terms of how attractive I was, as there was something to measure it against and the potential for male attention on a daily basis when going out at uni etc.

Despite how this post comes across I’m actually not a vain sort of person and I know that personality is what matters most. I guess with age this has started to bother me from a confidence perspective.

It's not an objective thing. It's subjective.

I'm a 'type' as I'm pale with dark hair and freckles. People who like my Irish look think I'm very attractive.

People who prefer blonde women with tanned skin don't think I'm very attractive.

It took me until around 30 years of age to accept and enjoy this - that if I'm someone's 'type' I'm the ultimate! Until then I was constantly feeling objectively unattractive and treated it as a fact.

The kind of men who approached me when I was anorexic and vulnerable were completely different to the men who approach me now, again showing this is a subjective thing not a case of attractiveness being a fact.

Good news is that you can change your level of attractiveness if this is really affecting you but I find it best to not give a fuck, we are all going to die alone right

There is a website called photofeeler where you can post your photo and have it rated. You need to rate other people's photos first to get 'credits' for yours to be rated. It's quite fun. You can choose who you want to review you - male, female, age bracket - and you can see how you rate compared with others e.g more attractive than 94% or whatever. You get a rating out of 10. Enjoy!

If you have any issues with confidence, I think this might be a bit of a risk!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It's not an objective thing. It's subjective.

I'm a 'type' as I'm pale with dark hair and freckles. People who like my Irish look think I'm very attractive.

People who prefer blonde women with tanned skin don't think I'm very attractive.

It took me until around 30 years of age to accept and enjoy this - that if I'm someone's 'type' I'm the ultimate! Until then I was constantly feeling objectively unattractive and treated it as a fact.

The kind of men who approached me when I was anorexic and vulnerable were completely different to the men who approach me now, again showing this is a subjective thing not a case of attractiveness being a fact.

I can objectively see when someone is good looking, handsome or beautiful even if they are not my type, I’m just not attracted to them despite their good looks. I can see that Brad Pitt is handsome but I wouldn’t fancy him. I think we are confusing good looks with sexual attraction.

All you can do is make the best of yourself. I am not, and have never been attractive, but I try to dress in clothes that suit me, and (with varying success) to keep my figure in check.

I really don't recommend posting pics on random websites.

If your objective is to find a partner, you are better off being chosen for personality - even the most stunning looks will fade over time.

@AmberLynn1536

I can objectively see when someone is good looking, handsome or beautiful

Unless you think you have access to some set of conditions that the rest of us don't, you can't claim to have the voice of objectivity. It's amusing that you think you can

The kind of men who approached me when I was anorexic and vulnerable were completely different to the men who approach me now, again showing this is a subjective thing not a case of attractiveness being a fact.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - sorry this is a bit of a diversion from the threads but I'm intrigued - were the men who went for you when you were anorexic more controlling or more nurturing or what? I'm intrigued there was a type.

Agree with pp - attractive is subjective. People have preferences, and you may tick some people's boxes and not others. OK there are some things that are more frequently part of what makes 'attractive' (good bone structure is an example I think of) but even then, that on its own doesn't make someone attractive.

When it comes to being attracted to someone, their behaviour is much more likely to be noticeable to me. Someone who is smiling, confident, happy in themselves - always more attractive, whatever they look like physically.

Once I get to know someone, humour / kindness / intelligence / interest in the world around them = attractive, more than how they look.

I mean, from what you’re saying I’d guess you’re averagely attractive. Which means you can raise that a bit if you scrub up. So do that, and crack on with dating. Unless you are stunning or ugly (and you obviously aren’t either) then it is a) subjective and b) making a bit of effort and being confident will make a difference.

I also suspect you’re fairly average and I mean that nicely. If you were either extreme you’d know.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder though.

When I first met my husband he was 31 and I thought he was quite average looking. Then I got to know him, fell in love with him and realised he was the most gorgeous man I'd ever met.

27 years later he is still the most gorgeous man ever.

[quote Unsureseatlle]@IGotHam nobody has said anything specific but I remember a while ago at work someone was commenting on how attractive x was and how she always looked good and it was sort of said in a way of ‘she looks so good why don’t we’ if that makes sense. More comments like that I suppose. Not from men but other women.[/quote]
But she might have meant “that woman is a 9/10, why are we only 7/10”. Doesn’t mean you’re less than average.

OP, being so concerned with your attractiveness indicates you’re not a very happy person. Happiness and confidence comes from fulfilling relationships, hobbies, interests, good health and well-being. If you have those things to a decent measure, then I guarantee you wouldn’t be thinking about how you stack up to others on the attractiveness scale. You’d be thinking, who cares? I’d look into what you’re missing in your life that’s making you focus on this.

@Didimum - Nail on head!

@Didimum

OP, being so concerned with your attractiveness indicates you’re not a very happy person. Happiness and confidence comes from fulfilling relationships, hobbies, interests, good health and well-being. If you have those things to a decent measure, then I guarantee you wouldn’t be thinking about how you stack up to others on the attractiveness scale. You’d be thinking, who cares? I’d look into what you’re missing in your life that’s making you focus on this.

This is nonsense, what she’s missing is a partner and it’s fine to want to be with someone, and to be curious about how she is perceived, it doesn’t mean she’s unhappy for gods sake.

Self confidence makes you attractive.
The person who said why don't we look that good was talking about herself primarily, not you.
As pp said, make a list of your qualities and what you are good at. Having perfect teeth or blonde hair is very superficial. No one will notice these things or lack of them if you are an interesting, confident person.

Please don't post your photo on one of those websites.

For me, the fact you are asking this question makes you unattractive,no matter what you look like.Attractiveness is confidence without arrogance and humor.I have come across attractive people,but the moment they spoke,they became not just unattractive,but ugly.And I have come across unattractive looking people,the moment they spoke,they became very attractive.

@emsyj37

There is a website called photofeeler where you can post your photo and have it rated. You need to rate other people's photos first to get 'credits' for yours to be rated. It's quite fun. You can choose who you want to review you - male, female, age bracket - and you can see how you rate compared with others e.g more attractive than 94% or whatever. You get a rating out of 10. Enjoy!

I'd rather put my face in a bucket of rats.

Best to not worry too much about what other people think. Never goes well. Love yourself and all that. I subjectively think I'm more attractive than I objectively know I am - always surprises me when I see a candid pic and think blimey, I looked terrible! ha ha. But then I forget it and just try to enjoy myself and that's really the most attractive thing in life at any age I reckon. Doesn't mean everyone will be attracted to you and nor should it. Some people you click with, some you don't, on both sides. But the only thing you can know and control about how attractive you are is how you feel inside. So stop looking for outside affirmation as much as possible and busy yourself with things that absorb you and light you up from inside. You're a whole, complex human being, not livestock to be traded or an object on ebay.

@Bluntness100

Sorry, if not knowing how you rank in looks against other people is something you ‘hate’, plus enough to post on a forum about it, then that’s beyond harmless curiosity.

No one said anything about it not being fine that she wants a partner or feels she is missing one. None of that has anything to do with ranking your attractiveness against others’.

Confidence in herself, regardless of how her looks stack up, will safeguard her feelings of worth in the dating world. Of course it’s completely fine to want to look and feel good, but to feel the need to score yourself against others for confidence points - well, there lies the problem.

It sounds like you’ve a history of internally comparing your looks to other women and noticing (crude) male ‘attention’ and other women’s comments about you and others.

That’s a separate matter from seeking an enjoyable relationship with one other person.

One of my exes was on the surface, not particularly physically attractive, nut there was just something about him… I still hanker after what might have been, if he hadn’t have dumped me.

It’s the whole package. Confidence is really attractive. Believe in yourself because if you don’t, why should anyone else?

I think feeling attractive makes you more attractive.

It’s entirely subjective but it would be quite unusual to reach adulthood and not have a pretty good idea based on other people’s comments/reactions to you.

I too find it strange that you would reach adulthood with no idea of how attractive you are!

Better questions which can be answered objectively:

Am i a healthy weight?
Is my body fit and strong and flexible?
Is my hair and face well groomed?
Does my skin reflect my good nutrition choices?
Do my clothes fit and express my personality?
Does my happiness and self confidence shine through in how I move and my facial expressions?