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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner filmed me

55 replies

0828GCL · 27/11/2021 06:43

This is long winded but I will try to keep it clear and concise. I don't really know what I'm looking for but I'm in total shock and disgust and just could do with some support.

In a nutshell, DP and I have been in the middle of breaking up for the last 3 months, but having 2 young children and owning a house together it's been complicated and drawn out, but amicable day to day and we've still been doing things as a family. I very much wanted the breakup, DP didn't.

Anyway, he suggested (having some annual leave this week) that he might go away for a couple of nights to get some headspace, think about things, take some time to himself. I was supportive of it because I felt like I needed some distance from him too.

Long story short, he'd had the house rigged with cameras and watching my every move for 48hrs, live from his phone!!!!
I had a friend round whom I was moaning to about him, and he has videos of me masturbating in the bedroom!

Honestly I'm so sickened and horrified, I left last night and came straight to my mum's but I haven't slept and feel fucking violated. He's convinced I'm seeing someone else (despite no evidence of it whatsoever) and has flipped his lid because I was fantasising / enjoying myself - which he know has footage of?!

What the fuck do I do?! I've tried to look for legal advice online but it seems a grey area re recording in your own home. I know if he shared it there are revenge porn laws but is there anyway I can ensure those videos are definitely gone??

The fact he has gone out of his way to buy, install, set up cameras, book a hotel under the pretence of a break! And spent the 2 days away literally watching my every move!!!

I can't bear the thought of being anywhere near him but there isn't really space at my mum's for me and the kids. I just feel completely lost, exhausted and actually feel quite abused!

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 27/11/2021 06:46

Contact the police and woman’s aid they will hopefully be able to help you. What a creep.

Morgan12 · 27/11/2021 06:46

I'd phone the police for advice. This is absolutely psychotic.

What has his response been to you finding out? How did you find out?

Sleepyquest · 27/11/2021 06:46

Oh my gosh you poor thing. That's disgusting and he's has completely violated your trust. There is no going back. You must be so upset and angry.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid as this seems like very much a legal thing. But I would call the police in the first instance, obviously not 999. Hopefully they can help. I'd also kick him out and change the locks

Original poster
0828GCL · 27/11/2021 07:00

Thanks for the replies.
He started quizzing me asking if I had anything I wanted to tell him and saying he 'KNOWS' I'm speaking to other men.
He then said he has been watching me the last 2 days and has seen and heard everything I'm up to.
I've lost some weight recently and was taking some sexy pictures of myself (sad or not) and he's convinced I'm sending them to someone. He seemed completely deranged the way he was acting to be honest, it really shook me up.

OP posts:
Coviddy · 27/11/2021 07:05

This is awful op. Please confide in your mum or a friend. He is abusive and you should leave him. Make a plan for him to move out. Like someone above says contact Women's Aid.

Carrotte · 27/11/2021 07:08

How horrendous. I agree contact women's aid or police

Wildrobin · 27/11/2021 07:11

Please don’t let this upset you beyond the violation of what he has done and extreme invasion of privacy: as you must hold onto the fact you have done nothing wrong and it is him who should be shamed and extremely embarrassed and his behaviour is very creepy and unhealthy.
Can you delete anything from his phone somehow , I wonder if the police can ask him to if not but no experience . I really feel for you as what an awful thing to do

MyOtherProfile · 27/11/2021 07:12

I can't bear the thought of being anywhere near him but there isn't really space at my mum's for me and the kids.

That's ok because after what he has done he's the one who needs to leave.

I would try and discuss this with the police. Disgusting behaviour but I'm guessing not illegal sadly.

wizzywig · 27/11/2021 07:12

Would this be coercive control? It's absolutely disgusting. Is there anyway you can have proof of what he did and why? Just incase you proceed with legal action

sixswans · 27/11/2021 07:20

What a horrible weirdo. That is deranged. Could you contact a lawyer to warn him off? Get ahead of it somehow?

anon12345678901 · 27/11/2021 07:20

That's awful. I would definitely call the police and explain, including he's filmed you doing sexual acts to yourself. A man who filmed his sex acts with women, including his wife, in his own home was jailed www.standard.co.uk/hp/front/bbc-man-who-secretly-filmed-himself-having-sex-with-lovers-is-jailed-6732316.html
I would also contact a solicitor for the divorce if you haven't and ask him to leave. Could the police advise if you can get some sort of order from him contacting you unless about the children? I'm not sure but if he's behaving like this, I can only imagine he would get worse.

Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 07:34

Call the police. It is an offence.

Queenoftheashes · 27/11/2021 07:38

Yes contact police. There was a similar thread a while ago and the police came and arrested the husband. Not sure what happened after that but it seemed like they were taking it seriously.

crystalize · 27/11/2021 07:44

Omg, I wouldn't hesitate - POLICE! Absolutely despicable I would be insanely furious. He needs to be arrested and removed from your house!

zippityzip · 27/11/2021 07:45

It's absolutely an offence, regardless if it's in your own home.

Report it now. Behaviour like this will absolutely escalate and he cannot be trusted. These are the acts of a man losing control and I would be concerned what he's planning next. Especially when you have children. You need to push for him to be arrested and removed from the property. Get him nicked and get legal advice now.

neverendingnightmare · 27/11/2021 07:45

This happened to me.

I contacted the police via an online form, they phoned me within about 20 minutes and then came to my house to have a look at the set up. When he arrived home from work, they arrested him on suspicion of voyeurism. I told the police that I was quite sure it wasn't actually voyeurism; it was control and emotional abuse (he also constantly suspected me of having affairs) but he could only be arrested for voyeurism. After questioning, he was released on police bail but not allowed to return to the house and I applied for a NMO when the bail period ended. It was a horrible time but was the catalyst I needed to end the relationship.

16 months down the line, I am happier in myself. One of the things that is still very hard for me, and which you may eventually find gets to you too, is that I am still convinced there is a recording device somewhere in my home that the police or I didn't find and I never quite feel as comfortable and relaxed as I should do. Recording you in such a way is horribly intrusive and messes with your head. However, I am so much happier within myself than I was 16+ months ago.

My advice is to contact the police. If you can't face making a phonecall, fill in the online form. I'd never had any experience of dealing with the police before but they were brilliant and put me in touch with Women’s Aid, who were also a huge help.

Best of luck Thanks

Fallagain · 27/11/2021 07:47

He is abusive and your relationship is ending which makes him even more dangerous. Please contact the police and WA.

AnkleDeep · 27/11/2021 07:53

Police - this could escalate and he needs dealing with.

miltonj · 27/11/2021 08:09

This man is dangerous. Do not get into a situation where you or your kids are living under the same roof as him. Alert the police. Honestly this is so premeditated and psychotic that I'm worried what he'll do next and for your safety. You may think you know him and he won't go any further but that's what most women think.

Freddy12 · 27/11/2021 08:12

Police - now
That behaviour is totally mental and very worrying

Monalotmoore · 27/11/2021 08:19

The point is this was done without your knowledge and that's where the offence lies. You must go to the police.

Shoxfordian · 27/11/2021 08:26

Call the police now
He’s disgusting

TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 08:33

So this doesn’t look like it was done with sexual intent. Possibly he wants to know why you want a break up with two young children if you are amicable. While I can certainly understand his anger and suspicion if all else is well other than you losing feelings at this point it’s best you don’t live together.
If he is amicable with the kids he’s likely to want/get some custody as well so I would prepare yourself for that.

Mummapenguin20 · 27/11/2021 08:56

Call the police

backtolifebacktoreality · 27/11/2021 09:01

It's Voyeurism. Check this out ...

www.gov.uk/government/publications/implementation-of-the-voyeurism-offences-act-2019